Dating an uncommunicative guy - advice please?
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My god people...
Not everyone has a day-to-day life when we have access to 'technology' to keep up with her standards of communication. Not all of us have desk jobs with email and/or internet access.
Give the guy a break or cut him loose... but don't blame him for not living up to YOUR standards without considering HIS.
But we aren't talking about "everyone". We are talking about this particular guy who is well and able to keep in contact, especially since he worked on it for a week.0 -
My god people...
Not everyone has a day-to-day life when we have access to 'technology' to keep up with her standards of communication. Not all of us have desk jobs with email and/or internet access.
Give the guy a break or cut him loose... but don't blame him for not living up to YOUR standards without considering HIS.
But we aren't talking about "everyone". We are talking about this particular guy who is well and able to keep in contact, especially since he worked on it for a week.
Thank you! Not sure what this comment is about at all, like my standards of communication are so oppressive LOL. Whatever.
He has a job with normal-ish hours but can't really be on the phone during the day, so until like 7ish PM its ok if he hasn't gotten back to me. He definitely has work stress, just started a new job the day we first went out actually, so he has been adjusting.0 -
The phone thing, 8 hrs of no replying back caught my attention. What's his job? I bring this up because due to the nature of my job, I can't have my phone with me. Camera, security issues, etc etc. I work in IT for a Naval base. Which brings another thought, does he work long/weird hours? I work graveyard and half the time my brain is not all there with the weird hours. I would be a bad boyfriend. Not only b/c I work weekends, I get Mon and Tues off, I'd be out of it and I can see myself forgetting to reply, being tired, not very communicative, etc etc. Stress at a job could also be a factor. If this was already covered, I apologize. I only skimmed the topic and didn't read every post.
Do you ever answer the phone when it rings during the day and not remember answering or you seems drunk? Haha
Since I have the TARDIS ringtone, if I'm sleeping, my inital instinct is to quickly get up outta bed and look outside my window for a blue police box.
However, I usually just ignore it. 0 -
He has a job with normal-ish hours but can't really be on the phone during the day, so until like 7ish PM its ok if he hasn't gotten back to me. He definitely has work stress, just started a new job the day we first went out actually, so he has been adjusting.
Well that could partially explain the lack of communication on his end. People handle stress differently. I know I was pretty bad at it in the past. Sitting on my butt playing video and computer games instead of being social offline. He may just want to relax and have alone time after a long and stressful workday. Now that I'm at work and had coffee, I read the other posts. I too can be a bit introverted and shy at first when I am getting to know someone. It takes time for me to warm up to new people, unless there's beer involved 0 -
I think he's not suiting your style, that's all. I think you have to accept him the way he is, or move on. It's not that he's not into you, it's just that he's so laid back he's horizontal!
I woudn't suit that type of guy either :flowerforyou:0 -
The part about insecurities is from my interpretation of personal experience. No one wants to have sex or be vulnerable without being comfortable with the other person. There are a few factors that I've expereinced with women regarding the speed at which that comfort occurs. Wanting to wait a longer time generally falls into three categories. The first is no sex without marriage for religious reasons. Almost always, this is ideologic and has nothing to do with insecurities (although not always). The second is a low libido and a general disinterest in sex. In this case waiting is a screen for finding a guy with a similarly low interest or a hope that the guy will see enough other great qualities to stick around in spite the low libido. Since you've mentioned that you have fooled around and indicated a desire for sex, if I were the guy in question, I would assume your libido was normal. From this, I'd chalk up your reason for needing more time to my third reason.
The third is mainly due to insecurities around self worth. Often it is a personal belief that sex is the only reason a guy could possibly be interested in her. This usually manifests with prolonged periods of "making the guy prove himself." I believe that most of the women in this category actually believe that they are just wanting to get comfortable. However, when it takes a long time to get comfortable and the comfort level can regress dramatically based on one negative experience despite numerous positive experiences it's because that negative experience just reinforces something in the woman's mind that tells her she is unlovable and only has value as a sex toy.
Wow. Spot on, I think.If it helps, I'm sitting on a seven year dry spell because I'd rather wait for someone that wants to share an emotional and physical connection at the same time. Take all the time ya need. The right guy will stick around and wait. Cliche, I know...
Same here. 6 years for me. Dating is horrendous.
As far as advice goes, maybe take things down a notch? You could try that route. You've already expressed your desire for communication and he isn't fulfilling it. (By the way, I had a very similar experience). You did say that you aren't ready for a serious relationship, so maybe he's playing that card. Take a step back and just do what you want to do with your own time and try not to worry so much. He obviously isn't worried about the situation. I've brought up the whole "why didn't you text me back" thing and it scared someone away. I guess it made me look clingy. He was an "anti-texter" though and I'm "anti-talk-on-the-phone-for-hours" :laugh: I'm pretty independent though and have no problem doing my own thing, I just think it's rude to blatantly ignore someone, as he did. Look elsewhere too. If he isn't meeting your needs, keep looking for someone who will. If he makes an effort occasionally, maybe give it some time while occupying your own time with other things. If you start doing something else and he calls at the last minute saying "I thought we were going to hang out" say "I didn't hear from you so I'm __________ instead". I don't think that's playing games. I think it's better than sitting on the couch checking the phone every 10 seconds all dressed up with nowhere to go. If he's truly interested, he will appear to be. If a guy wants to be there, he will put himself there. Oh and stop being the one to make plans for a bit and see what happens. DO YOU! Just my two cents. :flowerforyou:0 -
I never talk on the phone much either, just the way things go these days. I think you two should give things a chance and talk about what you're wanting out of this. 10 dates is a bit much to not know what you want at this stage.... either you shouldn't be dating at all yet or you have some major reservations about this guy. Either way talk it out and and move forward0
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There are a ton of responses here, so I'll just toss mine into the mix as well.... it's going to be a jumbled mess, so bear with me.
You've already said he's an introvert. If you are fine making all the plans, doing the communication and pushing the relationship, you won't have a problem. However, based on this post and based on other responses you've provided in the past, I don't think that will work well with your style of communcation and relationship needs.
First, you are 6 weeks (9 dates) into dating. I won't even say relationship, because he's not identifying it as such because you don't have a label yet. You're dating so he owes you nothing but a phone call here and there to say "hey, you wanna go out?". Once you've established exclusivity, then you can expect to hear from him more often. Is it rude to ignore your texts? Yes. But, you can't expect anything out of him when you're not in a relationship. You can expect that he is dating other women, though (and perhaps that's why he went 8 hours without answering the phone). If you don't like that idea, I suggest bringing up the "exclusive" talk.
Some people are planners, some fly by the seat of their pants. Sounds like the two of you are at opposite ends of the spectrum here. This can cause some relationships to explode, but can also be a wonderful thing if you can communicate and maintain a balance. My current bf and I are this way. He doesn't plan a thing and I need details. He's learned that I need to know some information upfront, but I've learned to have more fun in the surprises that he throws at me as well. It's loosened me up quite a bit.
There are some men that are completely in love with women but seem aloof. One of my girlfriends had to drive their relationship competely. She asked him out and if she wanted to go out, she planned their dates. If she wanted to talk on the phone, she called him. She would joke with him about it, but never resented him because she realized their styles were different and that if she needed something, she would have to hit him over the head to let him know. They are now happily married and I've never seen a man more in love with his wife. It's just two different styles.
Relationships are also give and take. If he trusts you enough to let you into his home, you should trust him as well. If you don't trust him after 3-4 dates, there is something wrong with him and you should let him go anyway. He's probably feeling insecure about you not inviting him over. This happened with the man I'm dating now and I never realized it. We were always at his house because it was more convenient to everything. He asked a few times "when will I see your house" but I blew it off. It never occured to me that he thought I didn't trust him, but he confessed to having that small doubt because of it.
Anyway.... not trying to be blunt or rude, but it sounds like you two have way different styles. It also sounds like there's a good chance he's seeing someone else. Not answering the phone or responding just isn't a normal behavior for *most* people.0 -
First, you are 6 weeks (9 dates) into dating. I won't even say relationship, because he's not identifying it as such because you don't have a label yet. You're dating so he owes you nothing but a phone call here and there to say "hey, you wanna go out?". Once you've established exclusivity, then you can expect to hear from him more often. Is it rude to ignore your texts? Yes. But, you can't expect anything out of him when you're not in a relationship. You can expect that he is dating other women, though (and perhaps that's why he went 8 hours without answering the phone). If you don't like that idea, I suggest bringing up the "exclusive" talk.
You are right to not say relationship, because it is not a relationship as I said in the OP, and *I* am also not identifying it as such (it isn't all up to him!). But I completely disagree with the rest, we are dating to see if we want to pursue this further, so him now "owing" me anything doesn't really make sense. The "hey you want to go out" calls are ok for casual dating or friends with benefits situations I guess, but we are both looking for something serious - that being said we are both in our mid 30s, not teens who are going to jump into a relationship. I want to get to know someone before jumping into a commitment - I've always rushed into relationships and most of the time it doesn't turn out well, so I'm trying something different this time. Isn't this what most people do...date for a while and eventually it develops into a relationship? I don't think that 6 weeks of dating and my not being sure yet means there is anything at all wrong with this situation - when I commit, I commit. Meaning I hope this relationship will lead to marriage. So having met someone only 6 weeks ago, I am not anywhere near ready to make that call and I think its understandable. And since we aren't exclusive yet, he is welcome to see other people, as am I (I had 2 other dates last week). Thats not the issue here so I'm not sure why it keeps being brought up.Relationships are also give and take. If he trusts you enough to let you into his home, you should trust him as well. If you don't trust him after 3-4 dates, there is something wrong with him and you should let him go anyway. He's probably feeling insecure about you not inviting him over. This happened with the man I'm dating now and I never realized it. We were always at his house because it was more convenient to everything. He asked a few times "when will I see your house" but I blew it off. It never occured to me that he thought I didn't trust him, but he confessed to having that small doubt because of it.
Yes, you and everyone else are totally right about this, I didn't think about this before at all - but since I first posted this we have had 2 more dates (and he met some of my friends on Friday), and I am having him over for dinner on Thursday. Also, we had a discussion about some things and I came to see that he has been respecting what I have said about taking things slow etc, but maybe just overdoing it (its a lot to explain).As far as advice goes, maybe take things down a notch? You could try that route. You've already expressed your desire for communication and he isn't fulfilling it. (By the way, I had a very similar experience). You did say that you aren't ready for a serious relationship, so maybe he's playing that card. Take a step back and just do what you want to do with your own time and try not to worry so much. He obviously isn't worried about the situation.
I am going to do this - after i have him over on Thursday I am going to back off a bit and let him contact me/make plans etc. I *may* talk to him about communication then (when I talked about it before it was more about him responding in a timely manner rather than my wanting to communicate more in general), I think it needs another shot with me being clear about what I want.
And I think you are spot on about him playing that card (my not being ready) - on our 4th date I told him straight up that I wanted to take things slow and get to know the person without jumping into a relationship or having things being clouded by sex; and that I needed to be comfortable with him and have him over to my place in my own time, that it was too intimate and personal for me at the moment...so the discussion we had Thursday showed me that he really did take all that very seriously, and is trying to do his best to respect what i said. He also said the bottom line was that he liked me and that I don't need to overanalyze or overthink things, he is a direct person and if he didn't want to pursue something with me we wouldn't be hanging out, he would tell me if he wasn't interested. Its hard for me to just trust what someone says like that, but I told him I would so I'm going to do my best.
Yes, he might not suit my style but I'm going to give it a shot since it has worked for other people!0 -
I'm in awe that many folks on here think that by 9-10 dates there should be a talk. Now, I have committed after a month but that's after dating at least 4 times a week. I prefer to wait more than a month but no more than 2, for the talk (6 weeks seems perfect). And like I said, seeing each other pretty frequently during the week, especially after the 1st month.0
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First, you are 6 weeks (9 dates) into dating. I won't even say relationship, because he's not identifying it as such because you don't have a label yet. You're dating so he owes you nothing but a phone call here and there to say "hey, you wanna go out?". Once you've established exclusivity, then you can expect to hear from him more often. Is it rude to ignore your texts? Yes. But, you can't expect anything out of him when you're not in a relationship. You can expect that he is dating other women, though (and perhaps that's why he went 8 hours without answering the phone). If you don't like that idea, I suggest bringing up the "exclusive" talk.You are right to not say relationship, because it is not a relationship as I said in the OP, and *I* am also not identifying it as such (it isn't all up to him!). But I completely disagree with the rest, we are dating to see if we want to pursue this further, so him now "owing" me anything doesn't really make sense. The "hey you want to go out" calls are ok for casual dating or friends with benefits situations I guess, but we are both looking for something serious - that being said we are both in our mid 30s, not teens who are going to jump into a relationship. I want to get to know someone before jumping into a commitment - I've always rushed into relationships and most of the time it doesn't turn out well, so I'm trying something different this time. Isn't this what most people do...date for a while and eventually it develops into a relationship? I don't think that 6 weeks of dating and my not being sure yet means there is anything at all wrong with this situation - when I commit, I commit. Meaning I hope this relationship will lead to marriage. So having met someone only 6 weeks ago, I am not anywhere near ready to make that call and I think its understandable. And since we aren't exclusive yet, he is welcome to see other people, as am I (I had 2 other dates last week). Thats not the issue here so I'm not sure why it keeps being brought up.
I didn't read your whole reply here, but Becky is right.
If you have only been out on 9 dates and you aren't exclusive, he doesn't owe you anything.... he doesn't.... sure he has stated his interest and desire to see you more, but you really are only casually dating until someone makes more of it. And you too should be out dating other people if you so desire. Until you are exclusive you really are nothing more than casual daters who have the will to do whatever you please!0 -
I didn't read your whole reply here, but Becky is right.
If you have only been out on 9 dates and you aren't exclusive, he doesn't owe you anything.... he doesn't.... sure he has stated his interest and desire to see you more, but you really are only casually dating until someone makes more of it. And you too should be out dating other people if you so desire. Until you are exclusive you really are nothing more than casual daters who have the will to do whatever you please!
We can agree to disagree on that then, I don't think it magically turns from casual dating to relationship overnight - either you are dating just for fun, or you are dating with the intention of it turning into a relationship...the latter makes it more serious and you should be pursuing it as a relationship. He has been very clear that he is looking for something serious.0 -
I didn't read your whole reply here, but Becky is right.
If you have only been out on 9 dates and you aren't exclusive, he doesn't owe you anything.... he doesn't.... sure he has stated his interest and desire to see you more, but you really are only casually dating until someone makes more of it. And you too should be out dating other people if you so desire. Until you are exclusive you really are nothing more than casual daters who have the will to do whatever you please!
We can agree to disagree on that then, I don't think it magically turns from casual dating to relationship overnight - either you are dating just for fun, or you are dating with the intention of it turning into a relationship...the latter makes it more serious and you should be pursuing it as a relationship. He has been very clear that he is looking for something serious.
I go on dates with everyone with the intent for it to be serious because that is what I am looking for, OF COURSE! but until the time I decide I want more, or he does, we don't owe eachother anything. What exactly do you think he owes you then if you aren't in an exclusive relationship? maybe this is a better way to see what we all mean....0 -
Uhm . . . . he's a guy.
Most of us aren't big texters. We're not huge into 'talking about your day' over the phone. (I'm speaking generally here, there's always exceptions). Hell, the ONLY time I'm texting or on the phone with someone is to make plans to see them within the next few days.
If we were on a date and you started trying to nail down plans for another date while we're still on this one I'd hit the road so fast it'd leave skid marks. I'm not trying to sound mean here but it sounds like you have some control issues that you need to get over. Why does this guy have to conform to your texting/phone call needs. Just let him be. If that's not enough for you move on.0 -
Kimad - I expect him to treat my like he is pursuing a relationship, something he does in every other way except this aspect. I really don't understand this, so you're saying that the communication is fine for now, but tomorrow if we decide we are going to be in a relationship he will have to start calling me every day, all of a sudden? Aren't these things supposed to build?If we were on a date and you started trying to nail down plans for another date while we're still on this one I'd hit the road so fast it'd leave skid marks. I'm not trying to sound mean here but it sounds like you have some control issues that you need to get over. Why does this guy have to conform to your texting/phone call needs. Just let him be. If that's not enough for you move on.
Wow, ouch, so much for not trying to sound mean. Aren't we all allowed to have desires as far as what we want in a relationship? How on earth does that mean I have control issues? Some of you are acting like we are supposed to be enemies with people we're dating, he doesn't HAVE to conform, I just figure if likes me and wants me to be happy (like I want for him) then we need to come to some compromise on it. I would not want to be in a relationship where we don't talk, so if this isn't going to change I won't be with him. I'm not going to MAKE him change. And why is it such a bad thing to make plans for the next date? He did that in the beginning, I didn't run. Normal men do this, and most guys I've been with are all about texting too. And speaking of control, so far I have had to conform to his needs (or lack thereof) when it comes to the phone, so does that mean he has control issues?0 -
You could compromise by not texting so damn much.
Again, not trying to sound mean. I've just been in a similar situation and it was a huge red flag. For me, it came off as needy and clingy which I didn't find attractive.0 -
You could compromise by not texting so damn much.
Again, not trying to sound mean. I've just been in a similar situation and it was a huge red flag. For me, it came off as needy and clingy which I didn't find attractive.
Uhh, I don't text him, ever (I have maybe twice, only to confirm plans. never just random chit chat) - is that too damn much for you? Not trying to sound mean, you're hilarious. Maybe you should stop projecting your issues onto me.0 -
Uhh, I don't text him, ever (I have maybe twice, only to confirm plans. never just random chit chat) - is that too damn much for you?
No. That sounds like a perfectly reasonable amount.
I thought the problem that we were discussing is that this is not enough texting/phone calls for you.
I'm suggesting that maybe if the guy is sweet and brings you flowers and is generally a good guy that perhaps (in everyone's best interest) we just let the fact that he's not a huge texter/ phone caller thing slide.0 -
I'm not saying his communication is fine - I actually said it wasn't something I am ok with, and I told you to move on in my first post.
But what I am saying is, when you are dating someone you are only casual until you realize you want more and then at that point you should notice a switch in the way he is towards you (whether it be more dates, more intimacy, more communication, etc.) That is when you will see the gradual build... some talk about exclusivity sooner than others...
BUT until he decides he wants more then he will be seeing others, responding as he desires, making plans as he desires because he can do whatever he wants - as can you! Sure you both are dating in hopes for something serious, but just because you both want it doesn't mean he wants it with you (or you with him) so that could be the reason why you don't feel he communicates enough.....So going back to my first post, he just doesn't seem that into you.... After 9 dates and 6 weeks I would think you would see the gradual increase or exclusive talk if he was serious about you!!!!!!!!!!
ETA: I actually think dating multiple people until you want more with one is a good idea.0 -
Sure you both are dating in hopes for something serious, but just because you both want it doesn't mean he wants it with you (or you with him)
Yes I am quoting myself...
I think this is another thing about online dating that can be frustrating..
I think a lot of times people have WAY too much expectation with online dating.....people think because you've found eachother online, because you both want the same things, because you have the same interests, etc. that you should just be together, that it should be instant attraction, an instant relationship and it just doesn't work that way..... it's all trial and error, just because you want the same things doesn't mean you are meant for eachother.
So just because he said he wants to find someone for something serious does not mean he wants that with you.0
