"Chasing" in Dating
laurenz2501
Posts: 839 Member
How do you guys and gals feel about "chasing" a possible match in the beginning of a dating scenario? I've read that most men don't want a woman who chases them because it goes against their "natural instinct" to hunt and they're left feeling as if they haven't conquered anything...of course there are exceptions to that rule...but do you think men in general prefer to not be chased or no? As a woman, have you ever chased a man and been successful? Guys: If a woman chases you, do you find that less or more attractive? Say you do most of the calling, every day, then you kind of slow down for whatever reason. If the woman doesn't call you (say for a few days...or ever again) do you assume it's because she isn't interested (though she may very well be) or do you give up because you DON'T want to be the one to chase her/e.g. "do all the calling" ? OR do you find that more appealing if she doesn't call? Do you just go onto the next woman even though the first one may be sitting at home wishing you would call and wondering why you haven't? Just curious on everyone's thoughts. It seems to be a common game these days unfortunately...I've heard every response from every angle. "Sure! Who cares? It's 2014! Go for it, girl! Call him! Who says he has to call you all the time?" VS. "Don't touch that phone! Let him chase you! You're a strong independent woman! GIRL POWER!" VS. "::shrug:: If he doesn't call he isn't interested. If he wants to call, he'll call."
HELP! Thanks
:flowerforyou:
HELP! Thanks
:flowerforyou: 0
Replies
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I'll be NO help!!!
I prefer not to chase. I do, however, think there needs to be give and take. In other words he shouldn't have to do ALL the calling/texting. I should state though that I've only been at this for a few months so I really don't know "the rules".
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Just my thoughts...
If I like a girl, regardless of all the rules and games, I want to make sure she knows. I hope, and maybe this has burned me in the past without me even knowing it, that if a girl likes me, they would let me know as well.
If I find I am always the one having initiate the conversations, make plans, etc., I start to think the woman isn't interested. At that point, I start to move on. I really hope, if she was just sitting at home wanting to call, she just would.
I just think all the games and such are stupid. If you like someone, just let them know. My best relationships, long and short, were when we were both obviously really into it. We would both call, both make plans, and neither of us would ignore each other just to get a response out of the other.0 -
I suppose chasing "too much" is wrong for either sex, and can lead to doubts.
The only thing I would say is: don't become a creep.
I've heard of women stalking dates at their work, etc. to "talk to them" after only a couple of dates. Now that is obviously "too much" chasing. Probably men do this too.
To give you my perspective, I rarely "initiate contact" as such...
But there are various reasons for that:
- Too involved "mentally" in my work. So I won't take breaks, and won't make time to take a step back to "think" about people during that time.
- Too laid back/independent, so I don't stress over the lack of contact as much as others could, and don't "need" frequent/constant contact (constant would actually be more stressful for me).
- Feeling that I don't have anything interesting to say at the moment. It's 11am I've been f'in working all morning, what is there to say about it really?
On the other hand, I always make some time to speak on the phone a bit if I'm being called because it is always a pleasure receiving a phone call from someone you care about.
I have complaints about this though, the fact that I "don't initiate" a lot.
(EDIT: might not apply to you just yet, but still I will leave it there)
More generically, I think what is important to remember is that different people will show their interest in different ways, and also make different kinds of efforts for their partner (to which they might well be oblivious).
You don't care about the extra hours he has been working every day to buy you a new iPad, he doesn't care about the fact that you have been washing his underwear and cleaning the bathroom spotless every day (feel free to reverse genders if applicable).
This often leads to misunderstandings actually, where both partners feel they have been doing "oh soooo much effort for the relationship" but they are with an ungrateful *kitten*.
This is a key pattern of (failed) relationships, so you might want to take this with him and clarify, but don't assume that because he hasn't been calling you (something YOU feel is important) he doesn't care about you (maybe he is doing something else, in his own way).
It's OK to ask for an effort every now and then.
Also men are just lazy and crap at communication on average.
The crap about natural "instinct" might be true for some men, but then again, he would be chasing you if it was his natural instinct. Either he is a man who doesn't care about this "power/chaser mentality" - note that I would personally steer away from men who make a fuss because they weren't allowed to chase or were offended because they were chased by you, I mean do you really want to be in a relationship with some controlling freak? What will it be in the future? - or perhaps he is a man who doesn't care about you and who has this "power/chaser mentality".
I think it's changing these days and more people don't care about being chased/chasing.0 -
Just my thoughts...
If I like a girl, regardless of all the rules and games, I want to make sure she knows. I hope, and maybe this has burned me in the past without me even knowing it, that if a girl likes me, they would let me know as well.
If I find I am always the one having initiate the conversations, make plans, etc., I start to think the woman isn't interested. At that point, I start to move on. I really hope, if she was just sitting at home wanting to call, she just would.
I just think all the games and such are stupid. If you like someone, just let them know. My best relationships, long and short, were when we were both obviously really into it. We would both call, both make plans, and neither of us would ignore each other just to get a response out of the other.
my thoughts exactly when it comes to guys.0 -
I stalk.
Like the guy at Tractor Supply, that I keep stalking when I go in there, one of these days he won't be so crazy busy and I'll snag a second or two with him and ask him out on a coffee date or something. LOL.
OOOOOHHHHH Yeah.
Edit: Ok now I've read the rest of the post. Keep in mind I haven't even met this guy yet. lol!!!! Otherwise I don't like the game of chasing. I believe in making opportunities to meet people, but after you are "together" or after you've dated them a couple times. Get off the crazy train. Just be your normal self.0 -
I have absolutely zero interest in anything resembling a "game". That includes feigning disinterest, chasing, etc. I'd much rather just act like an adult and would be perfectly happy being approached.
That being said, I think it is also a good idea to reign yourself in at the beginning and not appear OVERLY eager. But no games.0 -
I have absolutely zero interest in anything resembling a "game". That includes feigning disinterest, chasing, etc. I'd much rather just act like an adult and would be perfectly happy being approached.
That being said, I think it is also a good idea to reign yourself in at the beginning and not appear OVERLY eager. But no games.
My thoughts exactly. We're both adults. It seems the more I show interest, the more he shows interest. If I don't text or call, he doesn't text or call. But he USED to. All the time. Every day. Even when I was on vacation for a week. So the change in behavior is a little disconcerting but nothing I'm losing sleep over. Just curious of other's opinions on this whole thing.I stalk.
Like the guy at Tractor Supply, that I keep stalking when I go in there, one of these days he won't be so crazy busy and I'll snag a second or two with him and ask him out on a coffee date or something. LOL.
LOL! I think that's perfectly acceptable if it's just a hottie you haven't met yet. Well, to a degree. And I agree with flimflam that showing up at someone's job after a few dates is just ridiculous unless you're invited. People actually do that?!
^ Judging by past actions and him flat-out telling me he is "really chill and laid back" I'm leaning more towards this. I haven't had a long-term relationship in a LONNNGGGG time. So I feel a little rusty and out of practice with a "potential" one. I get concerned when there is a shift in behavior though. Since he used to call/text/initiate all the time and now it has slowed down and I wonder if it will just stop with no explanation. Ugh, I hate online dating!Either he is a man who doesn't care about this "power/chaser mentality"0 -
^ Judging by past actions and him flat-out telling me he is "really chill and laid back" I'm leaning more towards this. I haven't had a long-term relationship in a LONNNGGGG time. So I feel a little rusty and out of practice with a "potential" one. I get concerned when there is a shift in behavior though. Since he used to call/text/initiate all the time and now it has slowed down and I wonder if it will just stop with no explanation. Ugh, I hate online dating!
You say that you hate online dating...Have you met this guy in person yet?0 -
^ Judging by past actions and him flat-out telling me he is "really chill and laid back" I'm leaning more towards this. I haven't had a long-term relationship in a LONNNGGGG time. So I feel a little rusty and out of practice with a "potential" one. I get concerned when there is a shift in behavior though. Since he used to call/text/initiate all the time and now it has slowed down and I wonder if it will just stop with no explanation. Ugh, I hate online dating!
You say that you hate online dating...Have you met this guy in person yet?
Yes we had 2 good dates although I was away for a week in between that time.0 -
I think you should just be yourself without turning into a stalker.........(you're so funny Crystal xx)
That is, if you want to text/call/initiate, do so. At the end of the day, if he doesn't respond for a week or two, then he's clearly lost interest! I dont think you're going to put him off just because you send a text or two!
My theory is, if he likes you, then he won't mind you contacting him. But again, dont be text bombing his phone!! :laugh:
If you find that you're not getting replies, then stop. Or at least ask if he's lost interest or ask him when is he free for another date?
I think his shift in behaviour could mean a few things:
a) he's busy
b) he's busy on other dates - keeping his options open
c) he's lost interest
d) he doesn't feel he has to impress you anymore so is reverting to his 'normal' behaviour!0 -
I think you should just be yourself without turning into a stalker.........(you're so funny Crystal xx)
That is, if you want to text/call/initiate, do so. At the end of the day, if he doesn't respond for a week or two, then he's clearly lost interest! I dont think you're going to put him off just because you send a text or two!
My theory is, if he likes you, then he won't mind you contacting him. But again, dont be text bombing his phone!! :laugh:
If you find that you're not getting replies, then stop. Or at least ask if he's lost interest or ask him when is he free for another date?
I think his shift in behaviour could mean a few things:
a) he's busy
b) he's busy on other dates - keeping his options open
c) he's lost interest
d) he doesn't feel he has to impress you anymore so is reverting to his 'normal' behaviour!
Very true. I agree with everything you said. And I'm definitely not text-bombing his phone I know better haha. I agree with your reasons too. Hopefully D is the case and not C :grumble:
Thanks so much everyone! :flowerforyou:0 -
Sounds like most of us think along the same lines.
I love Anna's explanations, but what is annoying is beating yourself up over which one it could be.
I don't think texting him is a bad thing, if you find he isn't responding within the day, maybe send 1 or 2 more then I would take it as a hint.
I am so glad I am over that!!! Getting married in January (hehe had to throw it out there), but when I met my fiance thru E Harmony I was the one who really wasn't sure. Poor guy told me he didn't think I was interested whatsoever, thank god he kept trying!!! - that being said, I had no issues replying to texts, calling him, going on dates - just wasn't sure how I liked him (friend or more). He was pretty good with his contact though... regularily would get a morning text, one at lunch, and then in the evening. He would call sometimes, but never had any issues with communication. Can't stand the ones who never ever text or the ones who think you don't work and can text all day.
At the end of the day, like someone else said, we all communicate differently. In the beginning just know what is right for you, what you are ok with, and stick to those 'rules' so you don't feel like you are flip flopping all over the place.0 -
I stalk.
Like the guy at Tractor Supply, that I keep stalking when I go in there, one of these days he won't be so crazy busy and I'll snag a second or two with him and ask him out on a coffee date or something. LOL.
OOOOOHHHHH Yeah.
Edit: Ok now I've read the rest of the post. Keep in mind I haven't even met this guy yet. lol!!!! Otherwise I don't like the game of chasing. I believe in making opportunities to meet people, but after you are "together" or after you've dated them a couple times. Get off the crazy train. Just be your normal self.
You are much braver than I... not sure I could have ever asked a guy out face to face.0 -
Sounds like most of us think along the same lines.
I love Anna's explanations, but what is annoying is beating yourself up over which one it could be.
I don't think texting him is a bad thing, if you find he isn't responding within the day, maybe send 1 or 2 more then I would take it as a hint.
I am so glad I am over that!!! Getting married in January (hehe had to throw it out there), but when I met my fiance thru E Harmony I was the one who really wasn't sure. Poor guy told me he didn't think I was interested whatsoever, thank god he kept trying!!! - that being said, I had no issues replying to texts, calling him, going on dates - just wasn't sure how I liked him (friend or more). He was pretty good with his contact though... regularily would get a morning text, one at lunch, and then in the evening. He would call sometimes, but never had any issues with communication. Can't stand the ones who never ever text or the ones who think you don't work and can text all day.
At the end of the day, like someone else said, we all communicate differently. In the beginning just know what is right for you, what you are ok with, and stick to those 'rules' so you don't feel like you are flip flopping all over the place.
Thanks so much for your input kimad and congrats on your upcoming wedding!!! I remember when you were on here before going through the dating trials and tribulations! :-) I have texted him here and there and called the other day. It's like pulling teeth to get him to hang out. He tells me he has things to do but to "get a hold of him later" because he wants to go out or he tells me he'll call me later and never does, or calls when it's way too late to hang out. Or then I get ahold of him and he isn't sure or is tired and doesn't feel like it. I'm not going to sit around and wait to see if he contacts me or not. Nor am I going to be the one trying to carry a "relationship" that isn't there. It should be 50/50 and I feel like it should flow naturally and it isn't. So at this point the ball is in his court. I've since deleted my dating websites and think I'm just going to lay low for awhile and work on myself. If someone wants to be in your life they will put themselves there.0 -
.......... "get a hold of him later" because he wants to go out or he tells me he'll call me later and never does, or calls when it's way too late to hang out. Or then I get ahold of him and he isn't sure or is tired and doesn't feel like it............
Honestly, you've tried your best. At this point, when he isn't returning calls, I'd let it go!I'm not going to sit around and wait to see if he contacts me or not. Nor am I going to be the one trying to carry a "relationship" that isn't there. It should be 50/50 and I feel like it should flow naturally and it isn't. So at this point the ball is in his court. I've since deleted my dating websites and think I'm just going to lay low for awhile and work on myself. If someone wants to be in your life they will put themselves there.
I agree with you. This sounds like it's sliding into limbo land. I hate when this happens cos you feel like there is something there worth hanging on to, but you're never getting the enthusiasm you need.
Well, you've shown him you're interested - he can't now turn round and say he never knew your intentions. But he's not showing you the same. Relationships are a two way street afterall. :flowerforyou:
But dont give up, there is someone for everyone!!
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I agree with you. This sounds like it's sliding into limbo land. I hate when this happens cos you feel like there is something there worth hanging on to, but you're never getting the enthusiasm you need.
Well, you've shown him you're interested - he can't now turn round and say he never knew your intentions. But he's not showing you the same. Relationships are a two way street afterall. :flowerforyou:
But dont give up, there is someone for everyone!!
Thanks, and I agree with you! I hate limbo land and you're exactly right. I think we could have had something great if he wasn't so "blah/whatever" about it lately. Which AGAIN I dont' understand because he seemed much more enthusiastic on both dates and even when I was on vacation. But that's water under the bridge now I guess. I think my schedule plays a part too. I work nights right now (3-11pm) but that's changing in a few weeks and we will be on the same schedule (6am-2pm) which I've told him. But! Oh well!
I appreciate everyone's input! :flowerforyou: The show must go on...0 -
I agree with you. This sounds like it's sliding into limbo land. I hate when this happens cos you feel like there is something there worth hanging on to, but you're never getting the enthusiasm you need.
Well, you've shown him you're interested - he can't now turn round and say he never knew your intentions. But he's not showing you the same. Relationships are a two way street afterall. :flowerforyou:
But dont give up, there is someone for everyone!!
Thanks, and I agree with you! I hate limbo land and you're exactly right. I think we could have had something great if he wasn't so "blah/whatever" about it lately. Which AGAIN I dont' understand because he seemed much more enthusiastic on both dates and even when I was on vacation. But that's water under the bridge now I guess. I think my schedule plays a part too. I work nights right now (3-11pm) but that's changing in a few weeks and we will be on the same schedule (6am-2pm) which I've told him. But! Oh well!
I appreciate everyone's input! :flowerforyou: The show must go on...
I agree with Anna.
Unfortunately with dating, it can go into limbo land at anytime, even if the dates seems really good. He may have decided otherwise, he may be dating other women, he may have too much going on in his life blah blah blah blah! At the end of the day, like you said, you can't wait around. What I started to find easier was multi-dating, I wouldn't throw all my eggs in one basket until I knew forsure. Whatever that may be for you? 2 dates, 3 dates, officially dating, whatever you decide. But it seems that when we have options and are putting ourselves out there, we tend to be a bit more laid back about it all.
Good luck
haha - and yes, I had some wild wild and frustratingly annoying trials and tribulations.
With my fiancé everything just flowed normally. No wondering, no second guessing, just enjoyment....0 -
With my fiancé everything just flowed normally. No wondering, no second guessing, just enjoyment....
And that's exactly how it should be!! 0 -
There was a customer that I always flirted with and I actually ended up getting his number. I texted him so he'd have my number and he has failed to put it to use. I think he's hoping I'll chase him but that's probably not gonna happen lol.
I don't chase or expect to be chased. If there's a connection, I just assume we'll both act on it accordingly.0 -
I am just too proud to chase. Maybe I have missed out on some great guys, but if I put it out there that I like him and he is not interested enough to go for it, then I don't have the time to convince him. There are plenty of options out there, and I am honestly quite happy being single, so why try to chase someone who in all likelihood isn't right for me?0
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I am just too proud to chase. Maybe I have missed out on some great guys, but if I put it out there that I like him and he is not interested enough to go for it, then I don't have the time to convince him. There are plenty of options out there, and I am honestly quite happy being single, so why try to chase someone who in all likelihood isn't right for me?
Exactly!!! I love the "if I put it out there that I like him and he is not interested enough to go for it, I don't have time to convince him" part! So true! LOVE IT!I texted him so he'd have my number and he has failed to put it to use. I think he's hoping I'll chase him but that's probably not gonna happen lol.
I don't chase or expect to be chased. If there's a connection, I just assume we'll both act on it accordingly.
lol he must be hoping you'll chase him! What guy "hopes" for that though? If you like each other you like each other. There shouldn't be games!
You gals/guys are awesome! :drinker:I think he's hoping I'll chase him but that's probably not gonna happen lol.
ETA: I think that's this guy's deal too. He was showing A LOT of interest initially, then backed off for whatever (or no) reason. Sorry but that's not going to make me go out of my way and pull teeth to make you show interest again. If that's what he's expecting and thinking "well I was chasing her now it's her turn"?? then....just, no. It's not the kindergarten playground. That's not the way to go about it. But who knows. I was showing interest too until he backed off so...oh well! :glasses:0 -
Things like this is why I usually refrain from being in relationships lol. Too many games.0
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I think a lot depends on the kind of partner you want too. I suppose if one likes a really shy type of partner, they'd need to do most of the chasing to draw him/her out and show you really are interested?
Guys always tell me that they want women to initiate contact and take the lead in the relationship, but I've, personally, found that anytime I've done that they run and find someone they can "chase." May just be the type of guy I like. Twice I told a guy first how much I cared for him and his interest in me dried up immediately. Other times a guy started out interested, but as his interest waned so did his contact. If we weren't formally in a "relationship" (and by that I mean *he* confirmed a relationship not just "we went out 3 times so we must be boyfriend/girlfriend), then I just moved on. Contrast that with BB who (even though we're ring-shopping) still chases me, still plans most of our outings, and still pays my way, still surprises me. And it makes me happy. OTOH there are other "chasing" things he doesn't do (and never did) like the good morning texts and such. It's all about what you want from a relationship and what makes you happy.
If I may just throw out a warning regarding chasing / being chased: There was a guy I never actually went out with because he turned me off by constantly text/emailing. I had no desire to keep up with that kind of volume and his constant "why haven't you responded, are you mad at me" every 3rd text. No matter how many times I told him I worked in a secure faculty, and didn't GET the messages except at lunch and the end of the day, he constantly worried that something was wrong. I don't have time or patience to deal with all that insecurity.
After we finally agreed we weren't right for each other, I asked him why he was so active because there was no way he could sustain that kind of behavior long term. He told me it's what a guy has to do in the beginning of a relationship or else the girl thinks he's not interested. He didn't realize he made me think he was insecure and needy. He was just trying to get a date and, from his perspective, that kind of attention wouldn't be needed once we met. So, if you're constantly emailing/texting/calling your love interest, you might be giving the wrong impression.0 -
I think a lot depends on the kind of partner you want too. I suppose if one likes a really shy type of partner, they'd need to do most of the chasing to draw him/her out and show you really are interested?
Guys always tell me that they want women to initiate contact and take the lead in the relationship, but I've, personally, found that anytime I've done that they run and find someone they can "chase." May just be the type of guy I like. Twice I told a guy first how much I cared for him and his interest in me dried up immediately. Other times a guy started out interested, but as his interest waned so did his contact. If we weren't formally in a "relationship" (and by that I mean *he* confirmed a relationship not just "we went out 3 times so we must be boyfriend/girlfriend), then I just moved on. Contrast that with BB who (even though we're ring-shopping) still chases me, still plans most of our outings, and still pays my way, still surprises me. And it makes me happy. OTOH there are other "chasing" things he doesn't do (and never did) like the good morning texts and such. It's all about what you want from a relationship and what makes you happy.
If I may just throw out a warning regarding chasing / being chased: There was a guy I never actually went out with because he turned me off by constantly text/emailing. I had no desire to keep up with that kind of volume and his constant "why haven't you responded, are you mad at me" every 3rd text. No matter how many times I told him I worked in a secure faculty, and didn't GET the messages except at lunch and the end of the day, he constantly worried that something was wrong. I don't have time or patience to deal with all that insecurity.
After we finally agreed we weren't right for each other, I asked him why he was so active because there was no way he could sustain that kind of behavior long term. He told me it's what a guy has to do in the beginning of a relationship or else the girl thinks he's not interested. He didn't realize he made me think he was insecure and needy. He was just trying to get a date and, from his perspective, that kind of attention wouldn't be needed once we met. So, if you're constantly emailing/texting/calling your love interest, you might be giving the wrong impression.
Yeah I'm not sure about that with this one. It's possible that he is a bit shy...or that he thought he was doing all of the calling/texting initially, and didn't feel it was reciprocated. I think he called/texted a reasonable amount of the time and it made me comfortable and happy when he did, so I guess I didn't necessarily feel the need to initiate contact even though I did here and there. His contacting me wasn't nonstop constantly but it was a perfect amount I thought...then maybe it died down because he wanted to see if I would take the lead or maybe he wasn't sure how I felt? I don't know and I hate these games and wondering/not knowing. That's good that you had that talk with the guy who was strongly pursuing you (in the last paragraph). He actually owned up to it that he wouldn't do it once you met though? Well that kinda sucks! I would like to have a talk with this guy too and just see what his deal is but I don't know...I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I texted him yesterday after a few days of no contact and I just said "Hey what's up? How have you been?" with no response. That should tell me all I need to know...but I'm the kind of person that has to "fix" everything or see why it happened. I understand it shouldn't matter, that he's obviously not right for me, but I always just "HAVE" to know and it kills me! I know it's ridiculous.I suppose if one likes a really shy type of partner, they'd need to do most of the chasing to draw him/her out and show you really are interested?
Thanks so much for your long response. :flowerforyou:0 -
Yeah I'm not sure about that with this one. It's possible that he is a bit shy...or that he thought he was doing all of the calling/texting initially, and didn't feel it was reciprocated. I think he called/texted a reasonable amount of the time and it made me comfortable and happy when he did, so I guess I didn't necessarily feel the need to initiate contact even though I did here and there. His contacting me wasn't nonstop constantly but it was a perfect amount I thought...then maybe it died down because he wanted to see if I would take the lead or maybe he wasn't sure how I felt? I don't know and I hate these games and wondering/not knowing. That's good that you had that talk with the guy who was strongly pursuing you (in the last paragraph). He actually owned up to it that he wouldn't do it once you met though? Well that kinda sucks! I would like to have a talk with this guy too and just see what his deal is but I don't know...I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I texted him yesterday after a few days of no contact and I just said "Hey what's up? How have you been?" with no response. That should tell me all I need to know...but I'm the kind of person that has to "fix" everything or see why it happened. I understand it shouldn't matter, that he's obviously not right for me, but I always just "HAVE" to know and it kills me! I know it's ridiculous.
Thanks so much for your long response. :flowerforyou:
I'm pretty sure we are the same type of person haha. Moving on sucks, especially when you're really into him, but everything will work out for you in the end. Don't worry. 0 -
I think a lot depends on the kind of partner you want too. I suppose if one likes a really shy type of partner, they'd need to do most of the chasing to draw him/her out and show you really are interested?
Guys always tell me that they want women to initiate contact and take the lead in the relationship, but I've, personally, found that anytime I've done that they run and find someone they can "chase." May just be the type of guy I like. Twice I told a guy first how much I cared for him and his interest in me dried up immediately. Other times a guy started out interested, but as his interest waned so did his contact. If we weren't formally in a "relationship" (and by that I mean *he* confirmed a relationship not just "we went out 3 times so we must be boyfriend/girlfriend), then I just moved on. Contrast that with BB who (even though we're ring-shopping) still chases me, still plans most of our outings, and still pays my way, still surprises me. And it makes me happy. OTOH there are other "chasing" things he doesn't do (and never did) like the good morning texts and such. It's all about what you want from a relationship and what makes you happy.
If I may just throw out a warning regarding chasing / being chased: There was a guy I never actually went out with because he turned me off by constantly text/emailing. I had no desire to keep up with that kind of volume and his constant "why haven't you responded, are you mad at me" every 3rd text. No matter how many times I told him I worked in a secure faculty, and didn't GET the messages except at lunch and the end of the day, he constantly worried that something was wrong. I don't have time or patience to deal with all that insecurity.
After we finally agreed we weren't right for each other, I asked him why he was so active because there was no way he could sustain that kind of behavior long term. He told me it's what a guy has to do in the beginning of a relationship or else the girl thinks he's not interested. He didn't realize he made me think he was insecure and needy. He was just trying to get a date and, from his perspective, that kind of attention wouldn't be needed once we met. So, if you're constantly emailing/texting/calling your love interest, you might be giving the wrong impression.
Yeah I'm not sure about that with this one. It's possible that he is a bit shy...or that he thought he was doing all of the calling/texting initially, and didn't feel it was reciprocated. I think he called/texted a reasonable amount of the time and it made me comfortable and happy when he did, so I guess I didn't necessarily feel the need to initiate contact even though I did here and there. His contacting me wasn't nonstop constantly but it was a perfect amount I thought...then maybe it died down because he wanted to see if I would take the lead or maybe he wasn't sure how I felt? I don't know and I hate these games and wondering/not knowing. That's good that you had that talk with the guy who was strongly pursuing you (in the last paragraph). He actually owned up to it that he wouldn't do it once you met though? Well that kinda sucks! I would like to have a talk with this guy too and just see what his deal is but I don't know...I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I texted him yesterday after a few days of no contact and I just said "Hey what's up? How have you been?" with no response. That should tell me all I need to know...but I'm the kind of person that has to "fix" everything or see why it happened. I understand it shouldn't matter, that he's obviously not right for me, but I always just "HAVE" to know and it kills me! I know it's ridiculous.I suppose if one likes a really shy type of partner, they'd need to do most of the chasing to draw him/her out and show you really are interested?
Thanks so much for your long response. :flowerforyou:
My gut feeling tells me he didn't back off to see if you took the lead. If he was really interested then he would have just done what he was always doing ... or if times got busy it may have slacked, but picked back up.. If you texted him and he didn't respond, I don't think there is anything to figure out, I think you walk away with your head held high. Chalk it up to another learning experience. Hugs.0 -
I'm pretty sure we are the same type of person haha. Moving on sucks, especially when you're really into him, but everything will work out for you in the end. Don't worry.
Haha well good to know there are likeminded people out there! Thank you! 0 -
My gut feeling tells me he didn't back off to see if you took the lead. If he was really interested then he would have just done what he was always doing ... or if times got busy it may have slacked, but picked back up.. If you texted him and he didn't respond, I don't think there is anything to figure out, I think you walk away with your head held high. Chalk it up to another learning experience. Hugs.
kimad: You were right! LOL He finally called yesterday because I texted him one last time yesterday (against the advice of my girlfriends) saying that I don't know what happened but I really liked him and I hope he's feeling better. (He has been sick). I also said that if he didn't respond this time I would take the hint. Then of course he called. So he didn't back off to see if I took the lead...he likes me (even told his brother about me...allegedly...) and wanted to get to know me which is why he was calling so much initially...but now he realized he "let off the gas pedal" a bit and pretty much said that he hasn't been in a relationship for so long and isn't sure that he wants the commitment. Which to me is guy-speak for "He's Just Not That Into You". We had a nice talk for a half hour about other/random things too and he told me to keep in touch...I might, might not...not sure yet. But not sticking my neck out anymore. Moving right along with my search!
I really appreciate everyone's responses and input! :flowerforyou:0 -
Hey Lauren, I'm glad he called and at least explained himself. :flowerforyou:
I had the same happen to me last year when a guy I was seeing just couldnt handle a relationship. Lots of reasons - his work, his kid, the distance between us..... I do believe him and honestly think that relationships are all about timing. There's no point beating yourself up thinking he's not into you. I just think there are times in one's life when a relationship is not a priority. His loss!!0 -
My gut feeling tells me he didn't back off to see if you took the lead. If he was really interested then he would have just done what he was always doing ... or if times got busy it may have slacked, but picked back up.. If you texted him and he didn't respond, I don't think there is anything to figure out, I think you walk away with your head held high. Chalk it up to another learning experience. Hugs.
kimad: You were right! LOL He finally called yesterday because I texted him one last time yesterday (against the advice of my girlfriends) saying that I don't know what happened but I really liked him and I hope he's feeling better. (He has been sick). I also said that if he didn't respond this time I would take the hint. Then of course he called. So he didn't back off to see if I took the lead...he likes me (even told his brother about me...allegedly...) and wanted to get to know me which is why he was calling so much initially...but now he realized he "let off the gas pedal" a bit and pretty much said that he hasn't been in a relationship for so long and isn't sure that he wants the commitment. Which to me is guy-speak for "He's Just Not That Into You". We had a nice talk for a half hour about other/random things too and he told me to keep in touch...I might, might not...not sure yet. But not sticking my neck out anymore. Moving right along with my search!
I really appreciate everyone's responses and input! :flowerforyou:
If you hadn't have sent that last text you may never have heard back, but, I give the guy props for calling you. We all have a way with words when we don't know what to say/are uncomfortable but he was man enough to do it. That says a lot about him, IMO. I have met more on the other side of the spectrum, vanish into thin air forever, after a lot more dates than 2. Glad you are moving on and keeping on, good luck!0
