I can very much relate to that and you are doing well by realizing it. There are many "safety" reasons we gain weight...it can be scary to let it go. I wish you (and myself) the best with our journey through this.

I am a member of a different group. They have a cadre of older members who have a reputation for just stating things as they see them. Come in and talk about doing things "half-way" or "modifying it to suit your personal desires" and you're going to be told exactly what you don't want to hear. There are new members who get told off in a blunt manner and leave. We usually get a nice, "you should be supportive and not so mean" post when that happens. But, there are those who stick it out. They listen and try to understand. Usually, a month or so later, they come back saying they were wrong and the old guys were right all along. They didn't like hearing the truth, but they needed to hear it.

Sometimes we all need a come to Jesus meeting. I remember mine. It was artificial sweeteners. They told me exactly what I didn't want to hear (cut them out). I felt attacked and like they didn't understand. Artificial sweeteners weren't a problem for me! Sure, I drank 2+ liters of diet cola a day, but it had no calories! It wasn't bad. I did end up listening. I said, I would give it 30 days. By the end of 30 days, I realized just how much of a problem the artificial sweeteners had been for me. Suddenly, I could see all the times when I struggled most, ate the most, felt the hungriest, and so on were strongly linked to the amount of sweet foods I ate (artificially sweet or not). I didn't like being told I couldn't do what I wanted. But, I was wrong.

Glad to see you're giving the wine up. Hey, maybe you can find a place for it again, when you get to that point. But, it probably was a hindrance right now.

Sajyana wrote: »

Ahhh, Goat! This is it, eh?

Weight loss has slowed right down. I'm going to take your suggestion and stop the diet cola. Right now. Thanks.

It could be. I know lots of people who don't [seem to] have a problem with them. My attitude was, "I'll show them! I'll stop for 30 days and nothing will change. Then I will go right back to using them, because they weren't the problem." LOL, I never got to say, "I told you so."

The worst thing that could happen is, you cut them out for a while and nothing changes. Maybe they're not the issue. For me, I found that they were muddling my ability to detect satiety. I craved more food, and I ate more with them. If I wasn't eating more, it was because I was consciously trying to not over-eat and was feeling hungry more often. True for me, might not be true for everyone. It won't hurt to try.

FIT_Goat wrote: »

I am a member of a different group. They have a cadre of older members who have a reputation for just stating things as they see them. Come in and talk about doing things "half-way" or "modifying it to suit your personal desires" and you're going to be told exactly what you don't want to hear.

Which group?

Hi Annie I understand completely about the armour - that's what mine has been too.

1. Padding myself in the hope that it would give some protection from the incredibly harmful words and actions other people had the power to emotionally cripple me with. I grew up with a narcissistic mother so I knew that my safety relied on remaining hyper-vigilant of everyone's feelings and making sure I fixed everything before she could be upset by it. I grew to know that *everything* was my fault that it happened, and my duty to fix, fully and fast or I'd suffer.

2. As well as that, I seem so able to 'feel' the negative emotions of people around me that I think those feelings are my own - they're not. Someone angry (in general, but towards me even moreso!), or nervous, scared - any negative emotion that is 'bad' to feel - and the feeling would 'come into me' so that it felt as if I had literally been punched in the solar plexus, and it would linger on for a while after they'd gone.

3. I think I also had a fear that if I was slim I would be completely invisible and not matter, even 1% to anyone. Which is ridiculous, but it's how I felt.

4. Every time I lost weight I got jealous responses from family and colleagues and, as per item 1, getting any attention at all, positive or negative, meant there would be a backlash from mother. If attention was directed away from her I got to suffer. Even though I got married at 18 and left home, the damage done in those first 18 years, and in contact after that, has taken me 40 years to fully shift.

I have finally overcome the main damage that mother did, though of course I will never be a truly outgoing human. But I've learned slowly, and in the past couple of years really thoroughly, that it is safe for me to let the padding go. That just because I'm 'small' doesn't mean I'm more vulnerable. I see friends or TV characters who are tiny, yet strong. You don't need to be able to throw someone in order to use your words and body language to protect yourself. That still fascinates me, but I'm finally being able to assimilate it.

Having dumped all of that on you - for the sake of hoping you can related to some of it and won't feel alone - I wish you an easy time of giving away the wine. I've never been a drinker but I can relate from the sugar and carbs aspect; I just couldn't get enough of those shoveled down my throat

annieboomboom wrote: »

And then what? I think the armor will be gone and there will be no more places to hide.

I can so relate to this, I'm here RIGHT NOW, as in today. And I can tell you that its scary, but its so much better than the alternative, at least it is for me.

I've lost 110 pounds from my highest weight, have 30 to go. I've joined a gym and go regularly. All of that brought up some problems that require physical therapy that literally ended today, about 7 hours ago. I've been able to dump my entire focus into these things. And now, i have the thought, "ok, what's next?" And its a damn scary thought, because I don't know. For me, anxiety issues maybe need to be next, or relationship issues. REALLY scary stuff, WAY harder to work on than what I've accomplished so far.


But you know what? so right now my thought is a scary "What's next?" Last January before I started keto my thoughts were "How many years do I have left before a heart attack, or stroke, or irreversable complications from diabetes?"

The thought of what to do next with my life might scare me a little, but damn if it isn't a whole heck of a lot better than wondering how much (or little) a life I have left if I don't really make changes.

Hiding, as you phrased it, its safe. But its unbelievably rewarding to decide that you're going to put yourself in a place where you don't need to anymore.

[/quote]And now, i have the thought, "ok, what's next?" And its a damn scary thought, because I don't know. For me, anxiety issues maybe need to be next, or relationship issues. REALLY scary stuff, WAY harder to work on than what I've accomplished so far.[/quote]

This is where I am at too. Being overweight was my excuse for not accomplishing more. I was going to get the job/promotion/accepted because I was overweight and I was overweight because of "genetics".

As that excuse whittles away I can't help but feeling like everyone else is thinking "Well, what's wrong with him?"

I wish there was a 'Like' button for posts on here.

Wow, my heart is full. Thanks GrannyMayOz for your words. I can relate to a lot of what you disclosed too. What a wonderful idea to start some emotional support for people like us who know it's not just about trying to lose weight. If it were not for the emotional baggage / fear of being authentic / excuses about why we "can't" lose weight....we would have lost all the weight by now, wouldn't we ? Annie, we all can do it !

annieboomboom wrote: »

I have been doing a lot of soul searching though out this journey. I realize that a pattern I have losing weight is to somewhere along the line, sabotage the effort.

I believe that I have become institutionalized by being overweight. I have learned to be comfortable in this skin and I suspect it is often worn as armor against any number of other personal issues.

Couple things are happening. I decided I cannot drink wine and expect this to work. And so, I have stopped. Quite scary because now, I might actually lose the weight I have struggled with for most of my life and with a life style that can make it finally happen.

And then what? I think the armor will be gone and there will be no more places to hide.

So there it is. There is the heart of the resistance I think. I have to trust that it will be ok, that I will be ok. I have to believe in me.

@annieboomboom‌ I spent the better part of 5-6 months last year getting my head on straight, out of my @$$, and back in the game. If I hadn't taken that time, I wouldn't have had even half the chance I have today of winning against the old me.

My biggest fear has always been a fear of success, undermining myself, and all that. Ironically, saying all that, those fears kind of feel like they are fading and disappearing, and that's terrifying of itself.

I spent a lot of time blogging last year, too, if you're interested in reading anything (my biggest turning point aside from years back was October of last year). Kudos to you for calling yourself out!! My blog link: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/KnitOrMiss

And as for the others talking about a support thread, I'm a member of an awesome Morbid Obesity group on here, if anyone wants the link. I don't know if the group is opened or closed (for privacy) at the moment, but I can ask them to open it if anyone is interested!

I can 100% relate to the wine ordeal. I quit smoking roughly 4 years ago (cold turkey) and to keep my mind off wanting to smoke I took up drinking instead! Wine, vodka, and FOOD!! I barely drank prior to smoking and realized the weight kept climbing and climbing to now needing to lose 60 pounds. I definitely did drink way too much. I have since cut out alcohol and feel fantastic! I'm currently in Atkins induction day 5 and could use some motivation since hubby likes to eat ice cream!!

GrannyMayOz wrote: »

Hi Annie I understand completely about the armour - that's what mine has been too.

1. Padding myself in the hope that it would give some protection from the incredibly harmful words and actions other people had the power to emotionally cripple me with. I grew up with a narcissistic mother so I knew that my safety relied on remaining hyper-vigilant of everyone's feelings and making sure I fixed everything before she could be upset by it. I grew to know that *everything* was my fault that it happened, and my duty to fix, fully and fast or I'd suffer.

2. As well as that, I seem so able to 'feel' the negative emotions of people around me that I think those feelings are my own - they're not. Someone angry (in general, but towards me even moreso!), or nervous, scared - any negative emotion that is 'bad' to feel - and the feeling would 'come into me' so that it felt as if I had literally been punched in the solar plexus, and it would linger on for a while after they'd gone.

3. I think I also had a fear that if I was slim I would be completely invisible and not matter, even 1% to anyone. Which is ridiculous, but it's how I felt.

4. Every time I lost weight I got jealous responses from family and colleagues and, as per item 1, getting any attention at all, positive or negative, meant there would be a backlash from mother. If attention was directed away from her I got to suffer. Even though I got married at 18 and left home, the damage done in those first 18 years, and in contact after that, has taken me 40 years to fully shift.

I have finally overcome the main damage that mother did, though of course I will never be a truly outgoing human. But I've learned slowly, and in the past couple of years really thoroughly, that it is safe for me to let the padding go. That just because I'm 'small' doesn't mean I'm more vulnerable. I see friends or TV characters who are tiny, yet strong. You don't need to be able to throw someone in order to use your words and body language to protect yourself. That still fascinates me, but I'm finally being able to assimilate it.

Having dumped all of that on you - for the sake of hoping you can related to some of it and won't feel alone - I wish you an easy time of giving away the wine. I've never been a drinker but I can relate from the sugar and carbs aspect; I just couldn't get enough of those shoveled down my throat

I could have written your post word for word @grannymayoz I am still struggling with the emotional side of eating and the frustration of having PCOS so even when i work really hard i lose very little, which doesnt help the feeling of failure I already suffer from. I am not sure I'll ever be over the damage my 'mother' did or feel like i dont need my armor. Big HUGS to you and good wishes for the journey you are on!

Annie!!! As scary as this is I'm sure you're starting to see that it is actually a common thread among over weight people. What is not common however is the courage to admit it. Many can never see it at all. I'm so proud of you for even contemplating the idea!! My story again, very similar.

Self sabotage because of fear of success mostly. Which when you boil it down, means I was afraid to take responsibility for my own life and all it's success and failure. I don't have a great handle on it yet. I identified it about 10 years ago! But every day is a new choice to hide or seek :-) See what i did there?

It will totally be scary because this is all now new and unknown. How WILL you deal with it? Who knows? But I know one thing. You WILL! And every day you get another try!

There is a (non scientific I'm sure) correlation between the weight and burden we feel phsycologically and the weight and burden we carry physically. Somewhere in you, you know you were meant to live differently. More happiness I'm sure at the very least. And that causes a great burden when you are not truly doing or being who you want to be or know yourself to be. My advice for what it's worth is to deal with the fear by focusing only and the amazing feelings of the life you want in all aspects. The fear it brings up (and it will) is simply your unconscious (or more accurately your ego) making excuses because where you are (fat and otherwise) seems safest because it's what you know. Now is time to learn differently.

You can totally do this! We all can. It doesn't happen over night, but I totally believe it does. And as the saying goes.... if you believe you can, or you believe you can't... You're right.

See all the hearts you've touched?

Hugs and admiration to you my friend.

Amazing thread, honest and heartfelt. This is why I read the posts and sometimes I post...your fears and doubts and anxieties are mine, too, in various degrees. I learn from each of you and that gives me strength and hope. We can achieve our various goals...