shai74 wrote: »

Speaking your mind is rude.

I must have missed that memo.

I can't see your body or your face, but I enjoy your posts. Go with what you got.

@shai74 Girl. I had to literally spend hours one day convincing my size 10 friend that dressing up in sexy lingerie for her hubby was a good thing. She could only think about her perceived flaws. Obsessively so. It just broke my heart.

TMI Warning for some. I am 5'4" tall (163 cm, give or take). I weighed nearly 350 at my heaviest (roughly 159 kg). At the time of the discussion above, I was around 275 pounds (125 kg). I wore a US size 24W/3X. I told her that I wore skimpy underthings on a regular basis, because it made me feel good about myself, and my guy enjoyed it too. She couldn't fathom it. Wearing things like that FOR MY OWN ENJOYMENT even when I was single, enjoying a quick glance in the mirror, but not really starting and looking for flaws, etc. Much like how you "FEEL" is a better indicator of health, so too how I "FELT" dressing up that way was more important than how I perceived myself to look. I felt sexy and awesome and all that. Even when my guy wasn't feeling it, I took the ego hit, sure. That's natural. But I wasn't any different. But I was me and proud of it. She couldn't fathom enjoying the lingerie that her hubby had requested she wear (anything other than utilitarian and granny panties was his request, I believe), nor the fact that he found her sexually attractive and wanted to enjoy gazing at her body. She never did wrap her head around it, and it literally broke my heart.

I may not look the way I want to look in the mirror, but several years back, I woke up one day, said screw this, and realized I was not waiting another single second to live my life the way I wanted to live it. I started doing things for me. To this day, putting myself first is hard, but I do it...and it does get easier. I was miserable years back, and it took some real crap dumped on me by my ex-husband to trigger my inner b!tch and fighting spirit, but FFS, I'm so tired of society telling me anything. I wrote a blog about it that I posted on here, if you're curious.

I'm a woman, damn it, not some stick figure child. I have curves and I don't give a crap who likes it. I LIKE IT. Society can go take a leap. I know there are a number of men who enjoy that Victoria Secret look. Screw that. Give me the Lane Bryant models hands down. Most men, when honest, find the curves of a woman sexy. I'm on the path I am to gain health. If I lose weight along the way, more power to me. If not, I am completely okay with my body. I may not like it, but I love me.

I'm not saying any of this to put you down or anything. I want you to see that it is possible to still be morbidly obese and to like myself. I would strongly suggest some reading, some journaling, and some counseling, because there is no magic pill or wand. You have to learn to love yourself now and to take charge of the rest of your life. A confident woman who is 100 pounds overweight is far sexier to a normal person than the insecure woman who is on the skinny side of her ideal weight, per the ridiculously outdated charts...

So the work you need to do first and foremost is in your head and your heart. I spent six months last year in maintenance just getting my head on straight, and it helped so much... And keeping your head straight is an ongoing process too. (hugs)

@shai74, I learned, the hard way, that to be successful at weight loss I must love me! Not in a conceited way at all. You have to realize something, we all admire others because they are good people, would help anyone, would give you the shirt off their back (note that none of these have anything to do with outward appearance)..... We have to find a way to think those things about ourselves too, because they are true, and we deserve our own love too! We have, on average, 300 negative thoughts about ourselves, every day! We have to find a way to change that and turn them into positives because our brain believes what it thinks! When I learned this, it changed me. It wasn't overnight since it takes work to change our thoughts, but it can be done! At 270 pounds I learned to love me. It's made a huge difference for me. I am now 205 pounds and still losing, slowly but losing. I hope this helps, some. Best to you! You matter! We all do!

Friend... I am US size 6 and I STILL battle those same exact feelings. I love the advice to get counseling and to do journaling--I will probably do that myself.

I do know that if you decide to lose weight for someone else, and they don't respond, it sucks and feels pointless. So you have to decide to do it for yourself. I also agree that a confident woman at any size is much sexier than a skinny insecure woman.

I spent some time in the inner city, and my ethnic neighbor noticed Id gained about 15 pounds--I was pregnant. She just dawned over my new curves! "Girl," she said, "You should try to stay this weight after you have that baby! You look gooooood!"

I. Was. Shocked. How could someone look better heavier?! Then it hit me: beauty is cultural. Find some friends who like your curves, and AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE people who put you down. It will do worlds of good for you.

Also, you might look into hypnosis--I did it with my pregnancy and it really changed my perception of my blossoming body.

One last thing I did, and you're going to think I'm crazy, but it has freed me from that daily depression: I threw out my scale. I haven't weighed myself in a year. I found that my entire day was controlled by what happened to that stupid number every single day--up and I was blue all day; down and I was happy. But it never moved more than 10 lb up or down in 4 years!! So I decided I was done being controlled by that and chunked it. It's been amazing.

Big hugs @shai74 are you sure you *know* what your partner feels about you or your weight? My experience is that we can never really know another's thoughts...often they are our own thoughts projected onto the other person. I can really sympathize with your thoughts as I can often do the same kind of thing. I have found Byron Katie's books most helpful, especially "I need your love...is that true?". Good luck and hope you feel better about life soon.

shai74 wrote: »

iam4life wrote: »

One last thing I did, and you're going to think I'm crazy, but it has freed me from that daily depression: I threw out my scale. I haven't weighed myself in a year. I found that my entire day was controlled by what happened to that stupid number every single day--up and I was blue all day; down and I was happy. But it never moved more than 10 lb up or down in 4 years!! So I decided I was done being controlled by that and chunked it. It's been amazing.

Thank you for your kind words. I know I can't throw out the scales though, If I get on them every morning I keep my weight under control. It's when I start avoiding them that I pile the weight on again. I think in my mind it won't be that bad when I do weigh myself and then I'm devastated to find I've gained 20lbs.

totaloblivia wrote: »

Big hugs @shai74 are you sure you *know* what your partner feels about you or your weight? My experience is that we can never really know another's thoughts...often they are our own thoughts projected onto the other person. I can really sympathize with your thoughts as I can often do the same kind of thing. I have found Byron Katie's books most helpful, especially "I need your love...is that true?". Good luck and hope you feel better about life soon.

I know I was 4kg heavier than I am now when we met. So pretty much the same. He used to want me every night. While I know that's not realistic long term, I'd settle for once a week. I honestly have no idea why he's so closed off in that department. He tells me that he withdraws when he's stressed, and his two teenage girls have been *kitten* from hell the last few months (if you can think of it, they've done it - short of getting knocked up so far) so it is understandable that he is stressed. I'm patient, understanding, supportive, I never yell or get upset or make it about me, even when his kids have blamed me for some of the stuff they've done. The insecure side of me says that regardless of what I consider "raising kids stress" (I have two of my own slightly older, I know - my 18yo daughter has a 2yo baby) if I was thinner, or someone else, he would still want me. The irony is, for the last two years of my marriage I didn't want my husband to touch me - at all. Now I'm starting to understand how that feels. Which is why I probably feel like it's a huge problem, because when I didn't want my husband anymore the marriage was over.

My guy tends to turn off/away when stressed, too, which is all the time lately. But, I keep talking to him even when the conversation is one-sided and let him know how it all affects me, especially when he doesn't intend it. It has helped and he does make the effort and he's starting to see how he can use intimacy to mediate the effects of stress, too, so that helps, too, because it is helping him to see things in ways he never imagined before...

I really liked The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I eat up those sorts of books like candy because I like the whole "Know Thyself" mentality, but this was by far a game changer for me. It very clearly guides you through exploring your inner critic and and helps you very clearly take steps to break unhealthy habitual thought cycles. It especially tackles the myth of "if only I was x, I would be happy." If you're a reader and are brave enough to try some serious journalling, pick this up.

shai74 wrote: »

I'm definitely a reader. I'll have a look, thanks.

I think it took me six weeks or so to work through it the first time I read it, because he gives you the tools to address so many complicated things... that takes some time. And I go back and work for a few weeks at a time on new stuff that pops up as I start feeling better. It's good stuff.

AreteAndWhimsy wrote: »

I really liked The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I eat up those sorts of books like candy because I like the whole "Know Thyself" mentality, but this was by far a game changer for me. It very clearly guides you through exploring your inner critic and and helps you very clearly take steps to break unhealthy habitual thought cycles. It especially tackles the myth of "if only I was x, I would be happy." If you're a reader and are brave enough to try some serious journalling, pick this up.

Thanks for this recommendation I will check this out too.

I'm not sure this will help but... for what It's worth, I feel just like you. and when I let that get the best of me, which is often, I gain weight.

Since meeting my partner I've gained 70lbs. Unfortunately he is NOT one of those guys who can appreciate a larger woman. He admits he is not attracted to me anymore. and so, there's not much going on in the bedroom. He says he still loves me, who I am and that's why we;re together but he says it's getting harder for him. Mostly though he says because he misses the things we used to do. I can't run with him anymore. I'm often tired and I always hurt. So where we used to walk from store to store, now I complain and ask if we can drive because my legs hurt.

Now this might sound bad, that he'll leave if I don't lose the weight, but it's an interesting situation because, that is who I was when I met him. That is who I want to be. That is where I'm happiest because I can do all those things. What it really means is my stress is under control and my thoughts and my mind are in a good place. My outward body is always a reflection of my inner body (mind). So weight loss for me is as much a mind game as anything else.

I know I don't have the answer for you, I don't think anyone does, but I just wanted you to know, I think this is unfortunately common. I think the mind game "is" the game. If we can't get the inside organized, the outside will always reflect that.

Sounds like there are many things that aren't working for you in your life. I'm not going to offer advise on what you should do about it, just that food is not the only part you need to focus on.

I sincerely hope you can find your way to happiness. I believe you create the happiness and then the weight loss will follow. No, I have no scientific evidence to back this up. Only personal study.

Hugs

IamUndrCnstruction wrote: »

Everyone here has already said pretty much everything that needs saying. I second, third, fourth and fifth the counseling and journaling.

I will say this, I have been at both ends of the spectrum, very fit at 5'10" and a size 8US, don't know how much I weighed as I didn't own a scale, and I have been obese at 240 and almost a size 20. At a size 8, I had smaller clothes and a lot of attention from guys (I'm gay, so this did me no good LOL), a crappy job, a dead relationship and doubt every. damn. day. When I was around 200, I was fronting a rock band, singing my heart out, had (still have) an awesome job, and still got attention from guys (oh well, it's still nice LOL). I had no doubt of my badassery. It's all about loving what you do in life and who you are and those around you. I am losing now for medical reasons, and yes, I have many doubts about myself again, but those now stem from the fact that my body will no longer do as I ask.

Please, get counseling. Being thin will NOT make you better. It just won't. Worse, you asked what will happen if you never reach thin.....well, then you will have wasted an entire lifetime where you could have been happy and fulfilled, chasing something that wasn't going to help you anyway. Life is too short for that dear. I know this the hard way.

I love every single word of this!!! ^^^ It is SO powerful!!!! I love seeing how a beautifully strong woman shows her truest strengths by sharing her weakest moments. (HUGS)

gsp90x wrote: »

AreteAndWhimsy wrote: »

I really liked The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I eat up those sorts of books like candy because I like the whole "Know Thyself" mentality, but this was by far a game changer for me. It very clearly guides you through exploring your inner critic and and helps you very clearly take steps to break unhealthy habitual thought cycles. It especially tackles the myth of "if only I was x, I would be happy." If you're a reader and are brave enough to try some serious journalling, pick this up.

Thanks for this recommendation I will check this out too.

I'm not sure this will help but... for what It's worth, I feel just like you. and when I let that get the best of me, which is often, I gain weight.

Since meeting my partner I've gained 70lbs. Unfortunately he is NOT one of those guys who can appreciate a larger woman. He admits he is not attracted to me anymore. and so, there's not much going on in the bedroom. He says he still loves me, who I am and that's why we;re together but he says it's getting harder for him. Mostly though he says because he misses the things we used to do. I can't run with him anymore. I'm often tired and I always hurt. So where we used to walk from store to store, now I complain and ask if we can drive because my legs hurt.

Now this might sound bad, that he'll leave if I don't lose the weight, but it's an interesting situation because, that is who I was when I met him. That is who I want to be. That is where I'm happiest because I can do all those things. What it really means is my stress is under control and my thoughts and my mind are in a good place. My outward body is always a reflection of my inner body (mind). So weight loss for me is as much a mind game as anything else.

I know I don't have the answer for you, I don't think anyone does, but I just wanted you to know, I think this is unfortunately common. I think the mind game "is" the game. If we can't get the inside organized, the outside will always reflect that.

Sounds like there are many things that aren't working for you in your life. I'm not going to offer advise on what you should do about it, just that food is not the only part you need to focus on.

I sincerely hope you can find your way to happiness. I believe you create the happiness and then the weight loss will follow. No, I have no scientific evidence to back this up. Only personal study.

Hugs

My ex-husband was that way about not feeling attracted to me when I gained significant weight. Funnily enough, he had gained almost as much as I had, and it didn't really bother me, but I do understand that men are far more visually stimulated. That being said, when I got tired of trying to make him happy, I started getting healthier for me, and he literally came back begging. Got on his knees to beg literally. I told him I would not live the rest of my life without passion. He had no idea what I meant... He later thanked me for being harsh with him to leave no hope so he could move on (part of the inspiration had been the finality of things)...

Anyway, all that being said, sex appeal is as much how you feel and act as it is how you look. Even with visually-driven men. If you approach him in a desperate appeal, there is nothing attractive about it. If you go get some bad-@$$ lingerie that highlights your current best assets, then literally seduce him, it is incredibly hot and most men can't resist. But you have to be confident - even faking it until you make it, because that insecurity bit is a turn off to most men. I've seen 400 pound women with more confidence in their pinkies with men literally falling over themselves to be near them than with these hot little teeny-bopper, college types who are so insecure they try to fake it, and fail.

So a friend a while back had a challenge to look in the mirror and find one thing she could be happy about and love. Could be a smile, the sparkle in your eyes, the indent at her waist, whatever. She had to look at herself in the mirror every day and lavish herself with compliments on that one feature. Then, the next week, she had to add a second feature and repeat. It took her several months before she could move past the most topical traits, but she did get there, even though she felt fake about it at first.

shai74 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies. The scale has been going up every morning lately despite doing everything right, so that's frustrating. I know some of you might think I'm in an unhealthy relationship and I should find better but I don't think that's it. I've been in unhealthy relationships, I know the difference. I was married for 10 years, I know what a loveless relationship feels like. I do think this man loves me, and I love him. We are at peace with each other, we're on the same side. He cuddles me last thing at night and first thing in the morning. We sit on the couch together every night, we talk and joke and share our time.

The fact that he still cuddles you and jokes with you and doesn't avoid you is a GREAT sign. As you say, a lot of this is you getting hung up on stuff (and the teenager stuff is a huge issue, but sometimes we have to accept that we can't force change, stick to our own guns, and accept the fallout), so it seems like if you get right with you, there's a good chance other this will smooth out more easily. Wishing you LUCK!

No, no one wants to be overweight. Not everyone ties their self worth to their weight either. I am fat. Like, really fat. I look at pictures of myself and go 'Uhh...eww." But I am also stronger than most people I know, I am kind, I am funny (matter of opinion, I know) I have great skin and pretty eyes and can sing you Janis Joplin to bring a tear to your eye. My body is failing me right now, in a big scary way, so that brings a whole set of insecurities that I have never had to deal with....but even that doesn't take away from the above mentioned things (with the exception of it being much harder to sing).

What do you want from your husband? Have you told him exactly? What do you think is keeping you from losing the weight? Perhaps if you didn't dislike yourself so damn much you would let yourself lose it. Yes...I do believe we sabotage ourselves and that your very obsession with being thin is what is keeping you from getting there. Sorry if all this seems harsh, but it seems that you know all the answers and just want someone to tell you.....what??

.

This was a great article in a UK newspaper today: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/may/07/unlovable-fat-body-image-weight-loss-life-gain

Just in general about weight loss and the "mind game"

Hope things are going better for you all xxx