RE: Online Dating....don't you hate it when.................

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Replies

  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    flrancho wrote: »
    After not getting any interest on one dating site I tried my luck with the dreaded Tinder since its free. I had a co-worker that just found her boyfriend on there.

    Anyway, I received my first message today from one of the about 10 men I've matched with so far. He messaged me to say that I didn't look my stated age of 29 and that I look 49. When I said that I am 29, I got an "lol, yeah right", and then the suggestion of changing all my profile pictures if I ever wanted to get a date. I told him bye and unmatched him so he can't message me anymore.

    I don't know why I bother. I want a boyfriend and eventually a husband, but any time I've tried to get involved with someone it has left a bad taste in my mouth. Today I got more or less verbally berated and in the real world I got lead on and left hanging by a co-worker that said he liked me, and that honestly I was head over heels for.

    I will be the first to say that I am one of those girls that "just wait for it to happen". To me, if a guy really likes you and wants you, he'll say something - if he doesn't there's probably a reason why he isn't. Maybe that's why I've never had a boyfriend at 29 years old - but guys tend to go after what they want.

    I'm sorry someone was so rude to you, that's never necessary. I can only speak from personal experience, but in my 30s I have encountered a lot of guys online (including apps like Tinder when I say online) who lie about their ages either because they want to feel younger (usually 50+) or (often 20-25) who want an older 'cougar'. Regardless, don't let one rude guy spoil what could be with the next person... However, what's the harm in taking some new photos? Forget his delivery and focus on the fact that maybe the pictures are not as flattering as you had assumed or whatever you are doing in them is not resonating with your intended audience. Plus, like Flim said, a smile goes a long way! :) And if you have a few minutes, check out this TED talk, totally worth it:
    http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating

    Finally, have you tried the app Bumble? It's similar to Tinder in the matching, but once matched only the woman can start a conversation. I find it slightly liberating to be honest.


  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    As a side note: I've seen the doods PJ talks to, and dayum! This girl's got it going on

    Hahaha, you crack me up! ;)
  • flimflamfloz
    flimflamfloz Posts: 1,980 Member
    pa_jorg wrote: »
    And if you have a few minutes, check out this TED talk, totally worth it:
    http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating
    Going to check this talk as well... But I know I should get better pictures of myself and I really can't bother atm :smiley:

  • OS_KAT
    OS_KAT Posts: 176 Member
    pa_jorg wrote: »
    And if you have a few minutes, check out this TED talk, totally worth it:
    http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating
    Going to check this talk as well... But I know I should get better pictures of myself and I really can't bother atm :smiley:

    You're a very cute deer, though! ;) or whatever that is
  • dbrightwell1270
    dbrightwell1270 Posts: 1,732 Member
    I think she made most of it up. The Jewish population in Philadelphia was estimated at 300,000 in 2009 and 28% of the population was estimated to be between 25-44. That would mean about 10% is 30-36. That would give her around 15000 Jewish males aged 30-36. The putting out fake profiles of men and getting plenty of data also seems suspect. Everything I've seen suggests that even very attractive men get very little contacted initiated by women. These two tidbits make me doubt the specifics of her process.
  • OS_KAT
    OS_KAT Posts: 176 Member
    The process may have been flawed, but I think the premise is important. She knew what she wanted and needed in a relationship, and she went out and got it.
  • flrancho
    flrancho Posts: 265 Member
    edited December 2015
    The profile picture I have here is the same one I have as my main picture on Tinder, though there are other pictures. Really, to be honest I'm tired of people telling me I need to smile. I'm tried of people telling me I need to change in any manner in order to get someone to like me. It comes across that I'm a terrible person or something in that I need to change to get people to even like me. I shouldn't have to change - you should never change who you are for anyone. People either like you or they don't. I am more on the serious side, but I do smile, just not in pictures. I think I look terrible smiling in pictures. I looks forced, fake, and just down out bad. I look better not smiling. I'm not the best selfie picture taker as I don't have much experience doing it, don't really have a friend that could do it either. When I tried smiling while trying to take this picture here, the picture either came out all blurry or I thought I just looked terrible with a smile. I don't think my frames are unfashionable and I actually thought this angle was quite flattering.

    I've actually matched with quite a few people and have gotten messages from a couple, though they seemed to have stopped after a few days and literally pretty much just saying hello. I think I just came across a troll with the one guy. Why the others stopped messaging, I don't know. The one wanted me to text him due to tinder not working well on his phone, but I don't get texting for free on my phone and I hate to spend a bunch on texts when I really don't have that kind of money to spare.

    I'm sure this won't be a popular opinion, but I'm not looking to and don't intend on changing anything about myself wether it be appearance, demeanor, or personality. I am what I am and if I am going to find anyone they need to be able to accept me and love me for me, not someone I'm pretending to be or have changed myself into that is so totally not me. That would be doing a disservice to them and to myself.

    I did take a look at the TED talk, but didn't find it very helpful. I don't know if I was looking in the wrong place on the site or what.

  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    @flrancho - I don't believe anyone here told you to fundamentally change who you are. We were simply suggesting very minors things, like smiling, that make ALL humans more approachable (because that is the first hurdle to meeting someone!). It's totally fine if you don't want advice or suggestions and are set in your current lifestyle, but just remember that if you keep doing the same things, you will continue to get the same results.
  • dbrightwell1270
    dbrightwell1270 Posts: 1,732 Member
    flrancho wrote: »
    The profile picture I have here is the same one I have as my main picture on Tinder, though there are other pictures. Really, to be honest I'm tired of people telling me I need to smile. I'm tried of people telling me I need to change in any manner in order to get someone to like me. It comes across that I'm a terrible person or something in that I need to change to get people to even like me. I shouldn't have to change - you should never change who you are for anyone. People either like you or they don't. I am more on the serious side, but I do smile, just not in pictures. I think I look terrible smiling in pictures. I looks forced, fake, and just down out bad. I look better not smiling. I'm not the best selfie picture taker as I don't have much experience doing it, don't really have a friend that could do it either. When I tried smiling while trying to take this picture here, the picture either came out all blurry or I thought I just looked terrible with a smile. I don't think my frames are unfashionable and I actually thought this angle was quite flattering.

    I've actually matched with quite a few people and have gotten messages from a couple, though they seemed to have stopped after a few days and literally pretty much just saying hello. I think I just came across a troll with the one guy. Why the others stopped messaging, I don't know. The one wanted me to text him due to tinder not working well on his phone, but I don't get texting for free on my phone and I hate to spend a bunch on texts when I really don't have that kind of money to spare.

    I'm sure this won't be a popular opinion, but I'm not looking to and don't intend on changing anything about myself wether it be appearance, demeanor, or personality. I am what I am and if I am going to find anyone they need to be able to accept me and love me for me, not someone I'm pretending to be or have changed myself into that is so totally not me. That would be doing a disservice to them and to myself.

    I did take a look at the TED talk, but didn't find it very helpful. I don't know if I was looking in the wrong place on the site or what.


    I don't think anyone is suggesting that you change who you are at your core. I think people are suggesting how you present yourself. At its essence putting an account on a dating site is no different than placing an advertisement to sell a car, a house or any other product. Every one who is looking is a little jaded and distrustful. If you are shopping for a house and it looks beautiful in the pictures you don't think wow this is my dream house. You think this is one to put on the list to look at. On the flip side, if the house looks shoddy, no matter how nice the house may actually be, you think that the house is in such bad shape that the owners couldn't make it look any better for the photo lineup.

    You obviously are not a house but the concept is the same. Women on this forum have expressed the sentiment that if a potential suitor didn't put in much effort in the beginning what is he going to be like after XX months. It suggests that there is an expectation that people behave in a somewhat fake manner in order to attract others. If you don't conform, strangers will not think, "This is the honest one here! I want to meet her" Strangers will think, "I guess this is the best she could do in her presentation."

    While I was dating, I would scroll through the profiles. A cute pic would get me to read at least the first few lines. If the pictures didn't present an image that made me want to look further, I didn't look further. Cute pic doesn't mean someone who has 5% body fat posing in a bikini with giant boobs hanging out. It means smiling, looking like she enjoys herself and is overall happy with her life. It gives the impression that I might like to take my time and my effort to explore making her a part of my life. If the pictures doesn't look warm and inviting my thoughts were always that "if this is what she looks like in her advertisement, how miserable must she be in real life?"

    You can continue doing what you have been. At the end of the day it's your life and the most important thing is that you are happy with it. Two quotes (probably quoted somewhat incorrectly) to think about that come to mind after reading your last post are:

    1) If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. - Dr. Phil

    2) Insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting the result to change. - Albert Einstein

    P.S.
    If you don't like your "posed" smile, you might try telling a joke or having someone around you do something that makes you smile and try to hold it until the picture is taken. That's what I usually do. I hate posing for pictures because I don't like that smile either.
  • OS_KAT
    OS_KAT Posts: 176 Member
    @flrancho -- As PJ and Dbright said, these are superficial suggestions to get the real you to shine. Keep in mind that none of us are professional dating experts, and we are just telling you what works for us.

    I would encourage you to take a step back from all this for a minute and do something fun for yourself. Find an activity you like to do, stay busy pursuing your own interests, and see how that helps. Another positive side effect of that will be putting yourself in the way of new guys who have similar interests. It's at least a place to start.

    Again, take it or leave it. Please don't feel like we're attacking you or telling you that you aren't good enough. I'm quite sure that was the last thing any of us were trying to do.
  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member
    flrancho wrote: »
    The profile picture I have here is the same one I have as my main picture on Tinder, though there are other pictures. Really, to be honest I'm tired of people telling me I need to smile. I'm tried of people telling me I need to change in any manner in order to get someone to like me. It comes across that I'm a terrible person or something in that I need to change to get people to even like me. I shouldn't have to change - you should never change who you are for anyone. People either like you or they don't. I am more on the serious side, but I do smile, just not in pictures. I think I look terrible smiling in pictures. I looks forced, fake, and just down out bad. I look better not smiling. I'm not the best selfie picture taker as I don't have much experience doing it, don't really have a friend that could do it either. When I tried smiling while trying to take this picture here, the picture either came out all blurry or I thought I just looked terrible with a smile. I don't think my frames are unfashionable and I actually thought this angle was quite flattering.

    I've actually matched with quite a few people and have gotten messages from a couple, though they seemed to have stopped after a few days and literally pretty much just saying hello. I think I just came across a troll with the one guy. Why the others stopped messaging, I don't know. The one wanted me to text him due to tinder not working well on his phone, but I don't get texting for free on my phone and I hate to spend a bunch on texts when I really don't have that kind of money to spare.

    I'm sure this won't be a popular opinion, but I'm not looking to and don't intend on changing anything about myself wether it be appearance, demeanor, or personality. I am what I am and if I am going to find anyone they need to be able to accept me and love me for me, not someone I'm pretending to be or have changed myself into that is so totally not me. That would be doing a disservice to them and to myself.

    I did take a look at the TED talk, but didn't find it very helpful. I don't know if I was looking in the wrong place on the site or what.

    I agree with others who have said you don't need to change who are at the core but here's some food for thought: my parents have been married for 27 (almost 28) years. They have a lot of couple friends (some first marriages, some second or third marriages) and if you ask any of them why they've been together as long as they have been you'll get three answers: communication, compromise and understanding.

    You said earlier you want a partner, boyfriend now and eventually a husband. And I totally get that you want someone who just gets you, who you are, what you want, where you're going in life and such - it's good to hear you don't want to change yourself for just any guy who walks in, and I get that. However in order to find that long term relationship sometimes a compromise is needed.

    You have to give and take. I was with my ex for between 5 1/2 and 6 years. He told me after we started dating that the only reason he came up and talked to me (we met at a mutual friend's house party) was because he loved my smile and loved that I was laughing and talking with so many people, it made me seem like a fun person to be around. So, with that in mind you have to show people who are you - I'm sure you laugh daily but it's just not captured in a picture. If you look like you have the "resting b!tch face" (excuse my language) then guys aren't going to want to talk to you.

    If you find someone you want to commit to you have to really put yourself out there. Guys won't just come to you . . . it takes compromise and communication. I'm not saying be someone you're not and pull the ol' bait and switch . . . I'm just saying you only get one shot at a first impression, show them the best you that you'd want them to know.
  • flrancho
    flrancho Posts: 265 Member
    Maybe I'm not cut out for the online dating thing then, though overall I seem to have gotten more interest online than in the "real world". All the pictures I manage to take of a forced smile look horrible or come out blurry - I'm a horrible selfie taker. And I do suffer from resting *itch face. I am on the more serious side, but yes, I do laugh and smile thoughout the day. Unfortunately, I live alone and virtually all my family and friends either no longer live locally and those that do are usually working when I have days off. Taking a phone or camera into where I work is a big no-no. Maybe sometime over Christmas......

    That all being said, in going to an office Christmas party a few days ago I did get a lot of compliments from people on my appearance (see new profile pic) including from a few men - one from a single man my age who referred to me as "very pretty" (this particular guy told me he liked me the middle of this year. When I said I liked him as well we started talking online and some at work. After two weeks he started getting a little distant. In short I kind of got led on and left hanging. We still talk, but anytime I broach the subject of if he really liked me or not he doesn't respond to me via messaging and I don't want to confront him about the subject in person. In short 8 months after this all started happening, I still don't know what's going on. Another referred to me as being too beautiful to have come to the party alone and if he wasn't already taken he'd date me. Pretty rough guy and smelled of alcohol - not sure how genuine that was. The last was a man old enough to be my father that is already married (apparently unhappily) that kept following me around telling me I was hot and saying he wished he could give me his number. Talk about creepy - I didn't really consider it amusing either in light of the comment of the guy on Tinder saying that I looked 49 instead of 29. Other than that just general comments. At least people are noticing though.

    Anyway, sorry for hijacking the thread, didn't intend to do that - just wanted to share my experience with online dating.
  • OS_KAT
    OS_KAT Posts: 176 Member
    Well, the creeps are just part of being a young, attractive female. Don't let it get you down too much :)

    As far as that other guy, I would just enjoy the memories and move on. If he is not interested in discussing a relationship, it won't help to keep talking to him about it even if you think it's justified.

    Try not to give up. I know it sucks to be single, but being in a bad relationship is worse. I just got out of a relationship that was completely wrong for me, but I love/loved him anyway. The heartbreak is awful, but I am going to allow myself time to heal and keep believing that the right person is out there. Stay strong :)
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,459 Member
    Just popping back in to share my experience as I really have given online dating an honest attempt this fall.

    I filled out profiles on a couple of sites,added current pictures,answered countless questions and found that it is exactly as almost every other guy has discovered.

    Probably 95% of first messages ignored (including those to ladies that are shown to be viewing my profile daily).
    A date set up and immediately started getting one or two word responses to conversation attempts and a forgotten root canal appointment remembered the day before the meet up.

    Another lets get together agreement contact me this week to figure out the time...last thing ever heard from her despite a couple of messages to set it up.

    One actual get together.
    First date was decent but down hill from there,she had no car,no job etc.
    By the fourth meeting she was talking of moving away together with a schizophrenic son in his 30s and after a bit of intimacy (to her benefit) sent me home for the night.
    Not owed anything but really?

    For a guy it is a soul sucking endeavor unless somehow one is top shelf perhaps.
  • erinxo13
    erinxo13 Posts: 892 Member
    It's interesting to read everyones experiences on here. I have recently tried to do this again...like many others I have ended up deleting profiles because I've had rude messages...people telling me that I lie about workouts or that I expect too much or just overly sexualized messages that made me uncomfortable...but at the same time I don't want to be totally alone and I have to try and put myself out there in some way.The last time I tried this, I never actually ended up going out with anyone at all. This time, I downloaded tinder in the spring and in the summer I went out with a few guys. I saw a couple of them more than once, I only went on one "real" date that wasn't just a meet up...and it was fine. It is weird though because you never know what you're going to get. That actual date ended up costing me a lot of money...guess I should've planned better lol. But I wasn't sure.
    Tinder has been good and bad for me. I've had a lot of weird experiences and requests. I've had catfish, I've had people who just want to post moments (RIP moments, I'm still not happy about that lol.) I've had a lot of guys play games with me... I mean I guess it's like that everywhere. My friends have told me to delete it but there is something exciting about it. I def was "addicted" to it for a while but I've cooled off now. Plus its really awkward seeing coworkers or people you went to school with on it lol. I still have it downloaded but I have been off of it it recently...I decided to try POF and OkCupid again... There are way more people on POF and I find OkCupid is very time consuming...plus I end up finding out a lot about the person very quickly which is good and bad...I also tried the eHarmony free communication thing a couple weeks ago...slightly awkward though cause you can't see anyones photos and then I would get them to e-mail me so we could chat and I would realize I'm not really into them and felt bad... so thats a no no. I'm not shallow but I do think I need to be with someone I find attractive.

    Anyway, the last string of my dating life has been weird. Two dates in a row I was either ghosted or stood up...then last week I went on two dates with two different guys in two days...after not going since the summer (cause of all these games and whatever.) Neither of them were anything crazy but it was nice to go out.

    I find that people are correct, guys say they want women to message first but most of the time... I dunno. I think dating is hard. You never know who is paying or asking or anything like that and so many games lol.
    It's been interesting. I've never really dated. I'm meant to go for a quick coffee date tonight with another guy...and I've been talking to another too... hopefully this doesn't cause a problem. I seem to like both. ha. This group is always fun to read...everyones got a different story.
  • Cameron_1969
    Cameron_1969 Posts: 2,870 Member
    So I decide after a few email/text exchanges and maybe a phone call that I'm not that into someone. . Am I required to have a long breakup talk with her?. I'd rather just let it die than have to answer "why?". There's no good answer to that question. .
  • Cameron_1969
    Cameron_1969 Posts: 2,870 Member
    I have occasionally gotten messages from women on match. . I used to always answer these, even if I knew I wasn't interested. That's the polite thing to do. But, this just creates a false sense of hope that I then have to dash. As for me, I'd rather get no reply at all than to be patronized by someone who doesn't see me as a candidate.
  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member
    I have occasionally gotten messages from women on match. . I used to always answer these, even if I knew I wasn't interested. That's the polite thing to do. But, this just creates a false sense of hope that I then have to dash. As for me, I'd rather get no reply at all than to be patronized by someone who doesn't see me as a candidate.

    I'm the opposite to that. If I get a message from someone who is interested in me but I know I just don't have any interest for whatever reason I will send them a message and say I appreciate them reaching out (because I know it's not easy putting yourself out there) but I don't feel like there's any connection and I don't believe it would work out.

    I don't mean it in a patronizing way at all - I just acknowledge that they thought I was interesting/someone they want to get to know but I just don't feel the same way.

    However, now that you say it like that . . . I wonder if that's how they feel when I respond and maybe they would rather just not hear anything lol. I know for me, if I message a guy I would like to know that he got it and just isn't feeling it rather than deleting and not worrying about it. Maybe that's just me, or a female perspective.
  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member
    Carl01 wrote: »
    Just popping back in to share my experience as I really have given online dating an honest attempt this fall.

    I filled out profiles on a couple of sites,added current pictures,answered countless questions and found that it is exactly as almost every other guy has discovered.

    Probably 95% of first messages ignored (including those to ladies that are shown to be viewing my profile daily).
    A date set up and immediately started getting one or two word responses to conversation attempts and a forgotten root canal appointment remembered the day before the meet up.

    Another lets get together agreement contact me this week to figure out the time...last thing ever heard from her despite a couple of messages to set it up.

    One actual get together.
    First date was decent but down hill from there,she had no car,no job etc.
    By the fourth meeting she was talking of moving away together with a schizophrenic son in his 30s and after a bit of intimacy (to her benefit) sent me home for the night.
    Not owed anything but really?

    For a guy it is a soul sucking endeavor unless somehow one is top shelf perhaps.

    That sounds horrible! However, I am a mid-twenties single female, own my own house (well a mortgage, anyways lol), have a job where I make enough to support myself and take care of myself, have a very promising career ahead of me, no children, a dog, a regularly active social life (including book clubs), I work out regularly and am part of a running clinic and yet no one wants to have more than one date with me. I was actually told once that no guy will want to be with someone who makes as much money as I do (which I am pretty sure they grossly over estimated how much I do make) and who is as independent as me, men want to feel like men. I was very shocked by his comment.

    I had another guy who expected me to pay for everything, like all the time. He lived at home (which there's nothing wrong with) without a job, or even caring to look for one, and still borrowed the car from his mom. He just didn't have any ambition to do anything - which is very opposite of me.

    For women, it's almost like be successful, but not too successful - still make less than your partner does, be skinny but still have curves, eat healthy but still make sure you eat "real food" be social and have a life, but work around my schedule too. It's a lot of games being played and it's very difficult to find anyone to accept me for me.

    So shout out to single guys in South Western Ontario lol . . . . just sayin, I'm still single.
  • Cameron_1969
    Cameron_1969 Posts: 2,870 Member
    acorsaut89 wrote: »
    I was actually told once that no guy will want to be with someone who makes as much money as I do (which I am pretty sure they grossly over estimated how much I do make) and who is as independent as me, men want to feel like men. I was very shocked by his comment.

    I had another guy who expected me to pay for everything, like all the time. He lived at home (which there's nothing wrong with) without a job, or even caring to look for one, and still borrowed the car from his mom. He just didn't have any ambition to do anything - which is very opposite of me.

    For women, it's almost like be successful, but not too successful - still make less than your partner does, ...

    I don't know where this comes from, but I'm guessing it came from some dude who doesn't feel adequate and is intimidated by someone who does. I think it's amusing that the only way that guy feels like a man is if the people around him are less successful than he is. I, personally, am the opposite. A successful, independent woman is exactly what I'm looking for. Now that doesn't mean I expect her to pay for dinner!. . I always pay for dinner. . If we get married, she can pay for dinner sometimes. .