Daily check in
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Sorry I haven't been around the past few days. Kind of had a rock bottom moment on Wednesday. I was binging and stuffing my face with everything in the kitchen and my toddler walked in. She asked if she could have a bite of the peanut butter I was scarfing down and I yelled at her. Legitemately screamed at my child and told her it was mine, she ran away and cried. In that moment I felt like the worse mother in the world and it really hit me that I'm not just hurting myself, I'm hurting my family. Cried myself to sleep that night.0
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Sorry I haven't been around the past few days. Kind of had a rock bottom moment on Wednesday. I was binging and stuffing my face with everything in the kitchen and my toddler walked in. She asked if she could have a bite of the peanut butter I was scarfing down and I yelled at her. Legitemately screamed at my child and told her it was mine, she ran away and cried. In that moment I felt like the worse mother in the world and it really hit me that I'm not just hurting myself, I'm hurting my family. Cried myself to sleep that night.
I am so sorry to hear that, it sounds like a horrible experience. I also get very moody and react very strongly when I'm caught in the act. Forgive yourself, I'm sure that your daughter has. You are not the worst mother in the world, in fact you seem like a really great mother. And it also sounds like this has kind of been an epiphany, which is good. Sometimes it's harder to get help or seek change when we feel like we are "only" hurting ourselves, but when we realize it affects people we love sometimes that's the motivation that it takes.0 -
I just binged, and it was very minor. Same feeling as a binge, but the episode came in under 700 calories which is great for me. This makes me pretty confident that my bingeing cycle has officially ended. If it's the same as usual, I'll keep bingeing once or twice a week but not daily. I really hope that's the case, and that the binges are really small in terms of volume and calories.0
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It was a struggle not to binge last night. Even though I figured the visit would go well, I always get very nervous whenever I see any doctor. I think it's from the diabetes scares, diets, and weight loss regiments my parents would put me on for a few months after my trips to the doctor as a kid.
The visit was a follow up with my gyno. I was put on birth control to get my period back after losing it for a year due to the overexercising and extreme restricting some years ago.0 -
That does sound stressful. I'm glad that you didn't binge though!
I am feeling extremely anxious today, and I have no reason to. I have my usual Tuesday internship today, and then I do have lots of work to do but nothing too crazy. I usually binge on Tuesdays after my internship, so I am hoping that I don't today. I don't know why my anxiety is so high, but it's so bad that I feel jittery which is pretty unusual. I hope that I am able to get a hold of myself, be productive in my internship, eat a balanced dinner, and then power through all of the work I have to do tonight that is due tomorrow.0 -
I'm three months into the MFP/weight loss thing, and I've hit my first road block.
The last few days I have been feeling so discouraged. I mean, I have lost 24 pounds so far, but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm still fat (230 pounds). I still feel large and disgusting. I feel like it doesn't matter how much weight I lose, I'll still be fat and ugly and disgusting.
I'm also getting really tired with counting calories and watching everything I eat. I'm NOT tired of exercising, that's what helps keep me sane these days. But the food thing is really getting on my nerves. I feel like I need a break, but I worry about undoing all the work I've done so far.
I know it's not going to happen overnight. I binged for years and years, and it's going to take a long time to undo all that damage. But I feel like, for all the effort I've been putting in, I don't have a whole lot to show for it.
Blah.0 -
That's awesome that you're not tired of exercise! I wonder if there's something you can do to give you a break from all of the counting. For example, a lot of people try low carb high fat (LCHF) and when attempting to achieve ketosis, they don't count calories (although they DO count carbs). I'm not sure whether this would be good for you, or a recipe for disaster. For me, it was ultimately a recipe for disaster.
Also, 24 pounds is a huge deal! And you are not "fat and ugly and disgusting," you are a lovely human being. I've never seen someone who resembles Hello Kitty so much, though!
Keep at it, and we are here if you want to vent. Maybe it would do you some good to take a break from logging. You know yourself best, so at the end of the day you probably know whether or not that would be good for you.0 -
I came home early then binged on peanut butter and it's only 1:30. Gonna try to stop now. So annoyed, things have been going so well and now I binged last night and today.0
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I agree that taking a break from logging, is a possible idea. If you think you've got a pretty good idea of how much you can eat, without logging it... you might want to give it a try. I also agree that you know yourself best, though. And 24 lbs in 3 months is right on track at 2 lbs a week.....
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There's a fair amount of people on this site that don't log and you can go back it at any time. Congrats on being down 24lbs!0
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I binged again. Maybe I was wrong about my bingeing cycle coming to an end, but I don't think so. I usually still binge once or twice a week when I'm not in one. So discouraging though. I need to get it together.0
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I binged yesterday but managed to stop it before going extremely overboard, so "only" 1500~ above TDEE, small victory for me!2
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Even small victories are worthy of celebrating.3
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Well you know how i had that assessment on Friday at that ED program? Well on Monday they called me with their results and recommendations and said that at least I need partial hospitalization if not residential. PHP is like residential except you go home to sleep. And then today I met with the counselor from the ED team at NYU that I've been seeing and we talked about it and they've all been recommending a higher level of care but was like arguing almost about this . She literally told me I'm "off the charts" and that even as an ED specialist who works specifically with this population my symptoms are really extreme compared to most and stuff like that. And I find it very frustrating because I AM FUNCTIONAL and feel like I'm being punished for being honest. I truly do not think I need php at all as I feel that is for people who need very extreme intervention and can't function. I am so frustrated because I feel like I'm not getting the credit I feel I deserve. I'm making it a point to eat A LOT more than I usually do during my restrictive cycles, and I've also been incorporating tons of fear foods that i only eat when I binge. I feel like I'm officially crazy now.0
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Oh wow. That is a lot to deal with. What sorts of doctors are these? Have you thought about getting a second opinion? Have you expressed to them that you feel that php may not be beneficial to you? Have you asked them what other options may be available to you?0
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Oh wow. That is a lot to deal with. What sorts of doctors are these? Have you thought about getting a second opinion? Have you expressed to them that you feel that php may not be beneficial to you? Have you asked them what other options may be available to you?
They are all eating disorder specialists. I have spoken to: primary care doctor, nutritionist, therapist, and psychiatrists so far along with people whose jobs are to do "intake evaluations/assessments." Everyone I've spoken to specializes in eating disorders. And yes, I did get a second opinion. The first opinion I got recommended intensive outpatient, and the second opinion I got recommended partial hospitalization, as did the third. It's not that I don't think that PHP will be beneficial to me, it's just I don't think I need that high of a level of care. I've spoken at length with them about what other options are available, but everyone seems to be saying the same thing and that in order for me to ever make a full recovery, I am going to have to commit myself 100%. They even said PHP may not be "enough" and residential may be better, but I could start with PHP. It's so frustrating, because I feel like things have been better the last week and a half and I feel like there's hope. They are basically saying even if I do intensive outpatient, it'll probably only help temporarily. I'm stressed because it's kind of a now or never thing. I graduate in May, and have not started to look for employment yet. If I do this, that's really the only time I'll ever be able to do this. And I know it could help me a lot, but I also don't know if it's worth it. I've had eating issues for so long I'm just not sure that I can ever fully overcome them and I feel like I just may be one of those chronic cases whose eating disorder just kind of evolves from one form to the next.0 -
I honestly can't think of anything to say but I wish you well.3
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Well had a rough day yesterday, found out my boss's boss, and another food service director are coming by my school today. They are doing something called fresh eyes where another director comes in and looks around I am not sure what all they are looking for. Well this caused me some stress which built and added more stress which led to a day of snacking, from hot fudge sundae pop tarts, twix, kit kats, snickers, nerd covered jelly beans, chicken nuggets, cheese fries, and that was all before dinner. Not sure why it happened but I am sure it is the stress from the unknown. I guess the director that is coming here used to have a similar position at my school and there was friction between her and the employees, so they are all worried and nervous about seeing her again. So stress is definitely a trigger for my binges, and even on the medication, I am not immune to binging.0
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@ab6046 so currently you are doing 3 internship programs, along with school, I am not sure the status of your home life, if you are married or have children so I am working off assumptions. For me I have 3 children and a job and all sorts of things, but a few years ago I got tennis elbow, I know that it is not ED related but just follow along I promise it will make sense in the end. I felt a twinge in my arm and at the time I worked in a warehouse where I had to unload these rail cars filled top to bottom front to back all 53 feet long by 9 to 12 feet high of cases of gloves. well the twinge in my arm went from being an occasional pain, to a semi daily, to a daily pain. I kept putting it off and working through the pain and complaining about it. As time went on, over a year since I first felt the pain, it was now becoming impossible to do things like lift with my arm or carry things, and having 2 small children one of which still needed to be carried it made things interesting. So I finally went to a doctor, who referred me to and orthopedic and I got a steroid injection, the pain went away and all was well for a couple weeks. Well the shot wore off I then went to get another shot which lasted a week, then the 3rd shot lasted 2 days. After 3 shots they can not give you any more and I was back to daily pain. I then lost the ability to straighten out my arm all the way, so I could only bend it about halfway before terrible pain would come. I was referred to another specialist in the city who evaluated me I told him what was going on and found out only 10% of people who get tennis elbow need surgery to repair the damage, and I was in that lucky 10%.
The reason I am telling you this is because I had to take 6 weeks off of work unpaid, and it was very hard to balance being off or work and covering bills, and everything else. If you have the opportunity and means to make this happen before starting a job then take advantage of it. If you feel it is beneficial and that it can help you then do it. They said it may be a short term fix, but they have to leave that door open just in case. It may make a huge difference in your life, and give you tools to help you throughout the rest of your life to be able to beat the ED. Like you said this may be the only time you will be able to do this, so do it, learn as much as you can, and take what you learn and use it to the best of your ability.2 -
I've been in PHP before, and it wasn't so bad. I liked that I got to go home at the end of the day, that made it a lot better than all the times I've been inpatient at a hospital. The PHP wasn't specifically for my eating disorder though, it was mostly for my anxiety and depression. But one thing that made a huge difference in my eating disorder treatment was getting with a therapist who specialized in eating disorders and women's issues. She was amazing, and she was the only therapist I ever looked forward to seeing. @ab6046 maybe you can find someone like that, a therapist you can see once a week who specializes in BED? Tell the doctors you want to try that first because it fits better into your schedule? I dunno, just a thought. I really do feel for you and want you to get good treatment.1
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sloth3toes wrote: »
I'm sorry but I agree with this also. I really hope you take the treatment. I know it's not what you want or what you think you need but I'm certain they have there reasoning for recommending that level of treatment. Please don't doom yourself into believing you can not overcome this. I believe that you can. Do this before you add the stress of a new career on top of it.1 -
I am doing ok this week. Haven't binged since last Wednesday and have been sticking to my new coping mechanisms when I have the urge. It's been a stressful week but I'm handling it. Going to my in laws for the weekend, which will be rough. Their house is typically full of trigger foods for me and they are big food pushers.0
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I am doing ok this week. Haven't binged since last Wednesday and have been sticking to my new coping mechanisms when I have the urge. It's been a stressful week but I'm handling it. Going to my in laws for the weekend, which will be rough. Their house is typically full of trigger foods for me and they are big food pushers.
Amazing!!! May I ask what kind of coping mechanisms you've been trying? Or at least generally, like are they distracting activities (like walking, reading, etc.?) Good luck at your in laws, by the way!0 -
Wow everyone, I am so grateful for all of the support. Thank you so much.
One of the issues is I am seeing someone once a week (she specializes in EDs), and she is one of the people who keeps telling me I need a "higher level of care." All of the people I see specialize specifically in EDs, and they are all saying that. While I respect their opinions and I'm sure there's truth to that, I also am frustrated because I feel like at least with the therapy sessions, I'm not even able to get much out of it because so much time is spent being told I need a higher level of care. Not sure if that makes sense, I know I've been rambling a lot lately.
Also, I do think PHP would be very helpful. Don't get me wrong. But I am afraid. I have done PHP before, for bulimia specifically. I've also done residential and IOP. It helped me so much, and I stopped making myself vomit (that was 13 years ago). But it's more than the fact that I'm afraid, or that I feel like a failure or even like I'm regressing. It costs $1,295 PER DAY. PER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they expect I would do that for a month at least, and then transition into IOP for MONTHS which is $985 PER DAY!!! Yes, I have insurance. And yes, it covers a significant portion. But I would still be paying a solid $6,000 out of pocket. I know that is a "good deal" given the daily costs, but it's still a HUGE sum of money. Did I mention I am a full-time student working three internships, one of which is paid $15/hour and the rest are free? So I'm really struggling mentally with this. This is my chance, and I don't want to blow it. It might be what I really need. I mean, I'm going to need to find a job soon, probably start a family soon, etc. But what if it doesn't help? I guess I just don't have confidence I can kick this. I would have to ask my parents for money, and although I know they'd support me I just feel like I don't want to disappoint them and my life has just been a series of eating disorders and I really don't know life without one.
Wow, I really vented. Thanks for letting me do this, I feel so much better. I'm really glad about this group. I think many of us don't feel we can be this open about BED in day to day lives, so it's awesome to have an outlet.1 -
My grandpa passed away today. While I am very sad about this, he had suffered from Alzheimer's since I was in high school. I had a lot of time to come to get ready for this day. I haven't felt the urge to binge, but I am a little nervous about my mom's family coming over. I'm hoping that doesn't trigger something. Easter was my last binge and I would like to be able to cross off everyday this April.
The actual day of the ceremony should give me some relief. My brother doesn't want to take his kids, the oldest boy being four, and has asked me and my sister to watch him.0 -
Coocoo, I am so sorry for your loss. My grandma passed away a few years ago from Alzheimer's, and it is so tragic. Her death was bittersweet (hope you know what I mean and that it doesn't sound downright horrible). In some ways, it was like we had already lost her long before it actually happened. But the reality can be very difficult to face. Please take care of yourself.0
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A car accident really messed me up last year and I had to do several sessions of in and outpatient rehab. The costs were definitely nerve wracking and I'm still not where I was, but the sessions were so rewarding. I believe this opportunity can only do good.Wow everyone, I am so grateful for all of the support. Thank you so much.
One of the issues is I am seeing someone once a week (she specializes in EDs), and she is one of the people who keeps telling me I need a "higher level of care." All of the people I see specialize specifically in EDs, and they are all saying that. While I respect their opinions and I'm sure there's truth to that, I also am frustrated because I feel like at least with the therapy sessions, I'm not even able to get much out of it because so much time is spent being told I need a higher level of care. Not sure if that makes sense, I know I've been rambling a lot lately.
Also, I do think PHP would be very helpful. Don't get me wrong. But I am afraid. I have done PHP before, for bulimia specifically. I've also done residential and IOP. It helped me so much, and I stopped making myself vomit (that was 13 years ago). But it's more than the fact that I'm afraid, or that I feel like a failure or even like I'm regressing. It costs $1,295 PER DAY. PER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they expect I would do that for a month at least, and then transition into IOP for MONTHS which is $985 PER DAY!!! Yes, I have insurance. And yes, it covers a significant portion. But I would still be paying a solid $6,000 out of pocket. I know that is a "good deal" given the daily costs, but it's still a HUGE sum of money. Did I mention I am a full-time student working three internships, one of which is paid $15/hour and the rest are free? So I'm really struggling mentally with this. This is my chance, and I don't want to blow it. It might be what I really need. I mean, I'm going to need to find a job soon, probably start a family soon, etc. But what if it doesn't help? I guess I just don't have confidence I can kick this. I would have to ask my parents for money, and although I know they'd support me I just feel like I don't want to disappoint them and my life has just been a series of eating disorders and I really don't know life without one.
Wow, I really vented. Thanks for letting me do this, I feel so much better. I'm really glad about this group. I think many of us don't feel we can be this open about BED in day to day lives, so it's awesome to have an outlet.
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Wow everyone, I am so grateful for all of the support. Thank you so much.
One of the issues is I am seeing someone once a week (she specializes in EDs), and she is one of the people who keeps telling me I need a "higher level of care." All of the people I see specialize specifically in EDs, and they are all saying that. While I respect their opinions and I'm sure there's truth to that, I also am frustrated because I feel like at least with the therapy sessions, I'm not even able to get much out of it because so much time is spent being told I need a higher level of care. Not sure if that makes sense, I know I've been rambling a lot lately.
Also, I do think PHP would be very helpful. Don't get me wrong. But I am afraid. I have done PHP before, for bulimia specifically. I've also done residential and IOP. It helped me so much, and I stopped making myself vomit (that was 13 years ago). But it's more than the fact that I'm afraid, or that I feel like a failure or even like I'm regressing. It costs $1,295 PER DAY. PER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they expect I would do that for a month at least, and then transition into IOP for MONTHS which is $985 PER DAY!!! Yes, I have insurance. And yes, it covers a significant portion. But I would still be paying a solid $6,000 out of pocket. I know that is a "good deal" given the daily costs, but it's still a HUGE sum of money. Did I mention I am a full-time student working three internships, one of which is paid $15/hour and the rest are free? So I'm really struggling mentally with this. This is my chance, and I don't want to blow it. It might be what I really need. I mean, I'm going to need to find a job soon, probably start a family soon, etc. But what if it doesn't help? I guess I just don't have confidence I can kick this. I would have to ask my parents for money, and although I know they'd support me I just feel like I don't want to disappoint them and my life has just been a series of eating disorders and I really don't know life without one.
Wow, I really vented. Thanks for letting me do this, I feel so much better. I'm really glad about this group. I think many of us don't feel we can be this open about BED in day to day lives, so it's awesome to have an outlet.
I know the cost seems like a lot right now and can be stressful but you need to look at the long term gain from it. Also consider the long term costs to your health of continuing your life with ED. I know you are functioning NOW with ED but what happens if you start your career and become and the disorder starts to affect your job. Losing that job will cost a whole lot more, financially and mentally. And if you want to start a family it is extremely important to start taking care of your body. Look at myself, my disordered eating and not taking care of my health has definitely had an effect on my ability to get pregnant. You are still young and you CAN beat this and live a long, healthy and happy life. Don't give up on yourself.
As for you question about my coping mechanisms, I have discovered that I have a certain time of day that my binges occur (afternoon time) right now I'm just doing different things to distract myself during that time (coloring, reading, a movie, yoga, nap, music) and I am not aloud to go in the kitchen for any reason during that time. I'm also still not counting calories or carbs, but am staying away from sugar (other than fruit). Sugar is a big big trigger for me and once I start I just keep going. I can't just have one cookie or donut at this time in my life.1
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