Daily check in
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Wow everyone, I am so grateful for all of the support. Thank you so much.
One of the issues is I am seeing someone once a week (she specializes in EDs), and she is one of the people who keeps telling me I need a "higher level of care." All of the people I see specialize specifically in EDs, and they are all saying that. While I respect their opinions and I'm sure there's truth to that, I also am frustrated because I feel like at least with the therapy sessions, I'm not even able to get much out of it because so much time is spent being told I need a higher level of care. Not sure if that makes sense, I know I've been rambling a lot lately.
Also, I do think PHP would be very helpful. Don't get me wrong. But I am afraid. I have done PHP before, for bulimia specifically. I've also done residential and IOP. It helped me so much, and I stopped making myself vomit (that was 13 years ago). But it's more than the fact that I'm afraid, or that I feel like a failure or even like I'm regressing. It costs $1,295 PER DAY. PER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they expect I would do that for a month at least, and then transition into IOP for MONTHS which is $985 PER DAY!!! Yes, I have insurance. And yes, it covers a significant portion. But I would still be paying a solid $6,000 out of pocket. I know that is a "good deal" given the daily costs, but it's still a HUGE sum of money. Did I mention I am a full-time student working three internships, one of which is paid $15/hour and the rest are free? So I'm really struggling mentally with this. This is my chance, and I don't want to blow it. It might be what I really need. I mean, I'm going to need to find a job soon, probably start a family soon, etc. But what if it doesn't help? I guess I just don't have confidence I can kick this. I would have to ask my parents for money, and although I know they'd support me I just feel like I don't want to disappoint them and my life has just been a series of eating disorders and I really don't know life without one.
Wow, I really vented. Thanks for letting me do this, I feel so much better. I'm really glad about this group. I think many of us don't feel we can be this open about BED in day to day lives, so it's awesome to have an outlet.
You can not look at what you are going through as a setback, or a failure. You are battling your own brain, this is a real thing, it would be different if you were the one choosing to keep doing this. If you just chose to eat a second portion of food, or chose the second dessert and were able to stop but did not, then yes for a regular person that could be a setback. But sadly those choices are not yours to make, the E.D now decides things like that for you.
As for the money end of it yes $6000 is a lot at one time, but there are ways to raise the money such as crowdsourcing, or asking family which is a hard thing to do, I know I have had to do it myself before. There is always a way, so do not let the cost deter you from moving forward. Also there is always a what if to anything worth doing in life, but you can not let the what if stop you either, that is just fear trying to get in your way. This is a very scary choice you have to make, it is not a decision to make quickly. You would be undertaking a huge commitment, but it could be the best thing you could possibly do for yourself.
You have said that the doctors from both opinions have suggested this level of care for you, and as good as you are doing on your own, have you thought that maybe there is a reason they are suggesting this for you? Now I do not know your life, or your entire story but from what I know of mental health doctors, and from my own sessions, maybe there is a reason they are all suggesting this treatment course for you? Sometimes we think we are on one path and doing well, but someone outside of our daily lives can look in and see maybe we are not doing as well as we think we are. I am proud of seeing your accomplishments, and seeing how well you are doing on your own, I know this whole thing can be scary. Every day is scary, I am scared that the medication I am on will not keep working, and that I will relapse to how I was before, I am scared that no matter what I will never get fully better and back to how I was before. I am scared of the future and what happens next. We are all dealing with being afraid, and as a parent I know there is nothing scarier than when something is wrong with your child.
Story time yay, I have an 18 year old daughter, I got my high school girlfriend pregnant and got married when I was 17. This started my path of depression and starvation to the point i weighed 110 pounds at 5'9 at 17 years old. We were both very young when we had her and it was a challenge and I worked 3 jobs to support them and it was giving me an ulcer and destroying my mental health from dealing with my now ex's cheating, and drug use. Needless to say we got divorced and she got custody and let me into my daughter's life off and on throughout my daughter's early part of her life. My ex had a really really bad childhood and really did the best she could for my daughter and all of her other kids. That is a very different story. Anyway my, when my oldest was in 8th grade she would tell me and everyone else that she was on the honor roll, and her grades were all A's, and since I did not see a report card since she lived with her mom, and her mom told me the same things I believed them, well I come to find out that my daughter had missed so much school that she was about to be expelled, that she was failing almost all of her classes, and all these other things, because of her home life and her mom's lax attitude on school she let her stay home as much as she wanted. Well I was finally let in on this talked to all her teachers and had daily email conversations with them and her school counselor and forced myself into the loop so that we could get her back on track. Things started to get better she got caught up on all her homework and her grades started to improve and she was doing better, until one day I was at work and got a call from her counselor.
The counselor told me that my daughter told her that she was having these dark thoughts, and when she would take a bath she would slide under the water and think about not coming back up. She tried to stay under a little too long and take her own life. Luckily she mentioned to this to the counselor who called me and her mom and because she made these comments to a professional she was taken to the hospital for evaluation. I left work and went there and set with her, and talked with her let the Doctors do their work. After many hours they decided that she needed to be admitted for treatment, we were given a couple options, one was close to my ex's house and kind of a scary place, my sister in law is a mental health professional so I spoke with her about the places they were thinking of sending my daughter, so that is how I knew since she had insider information. The other place was better, safer, and farther away. My ex fought to keep her at the close place, I on the other hand fought harder to get her to the better place because the level of care she would get was much better, I told her I would pay for the out of pocket expenses if any would come up. Granted I am not rich or well off, but for my kids I would do anything I could to help them. So she went for the treatment, and I am happy to say she is 18 and doing so much better now.
The reason I shared that was so you know that no matter what to a parent there is nothing we would not do to help our children. We will also love and support them even when they are at their lowest. As parents our job is to keep our kids safe, no matter how old they are, even now married and in my 30's my parents still look out for me, and if I need something they still try to help. Except recently I asked my dad for $24,500 dollars to buy a Shelby Mustang and he said no! Can you believe that!!!!
Do not let fear make this choice for you. Do not let what if's decide this for you. If there was even the smallest chance this program would help, take it. We are all here to help you, and support you and listen to you and share things. But at the end of the day no matter what is shared, said, celebrated, we are all fighting the same fight, and if one of us can get through this, it gives me and most likely other hope that they too can beat this.
I had not idea this post was going to be so long and I am sorry.3 -
Been having a rough week. Depression is hitting me hard, and when I'm depressed, I want to eat. Yesterday it was all I could do not to stuff my face after I got home from work. Luckily I was on my last leg before payday so there was not a lot of food in the house, and no money to buy anything new. (Maybe the only good thing about being low on money, LOL.)
My weight loss has stalled a bit, and when it gets like this I want to just give up. I've also been just physically exhausted the past couple days, and don't want to exercise. I'm really worried I'm going to start creeping back into old habits again soon, and ruin all the progress I've made. I also worry that I'm not going to make any more progress and I'll be stuck at 230 pounds forever. Yes, my mind likes to catastrophize everything. Did I mention I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in addition to everything else? Yeah, that's why everything's such a crisis all the time and that's what makes me want to give up all the time.
This weekend should be interesting, seeing as how I'm in "want to eat ALL THE THINGS" mode and also my son's baseball season is starting up too. I hate baseball games more than anything, mostly because I hate OTHER PARENTS. Ugh.
Not well. So not well.0 -
I'm sorry to hear that. Don't give up though, you've been doing so great and it sounds like you've actually enjoyed exercising which is more than most people can say. Maybe it would be good for you to take a break or something, like maybe eat at maintenance for a week? Or commit to some kind of food plan and don't log for a week? For some people that's great, others it's a disaster.0
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No binges in the past week. I started drinking Yerba mate last week, and it's a great appetite suppressant, better than green tea!1
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I feel somewhat better after having some exercise today, and the scale went down a little bit more, so I'm feeling a little more encouraged. This is the longest I've ever been at any conscious weight-loss effort, so it's only natural that I'll hit some road blocks here and there. I just have to stick with it, and I'll be much happier with myself.1
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RespectTheKitty wrote: »I feel somewhat better after having some exercise today, and the scale went down a little bit more, so I'm feeling a little more encouraged. This is the longest I've ever been at any conscious weight-loss effort, so it's only natural that I'll hit some road blocks here and there. I just have to stick with it, and I'll be much happier with myself.
Good attitude! Have you considered downloading a weight trend app? I use Happy Scale, but I've heard of others (I think libra and trendweight might be some names). You just log your weight and then it shows you your actual weight versus predicted weight based on trends. If you feel you have plateaued and are getting discouraged, these kind of apps can be super encouraging!0 -
I haven't binged in 9 days but I'm having terrible anxiety about food lately. Everything I eat I feel like " I shouldn't have eaten that" anything from fruit to nuts to cheese and even if I'm hungry. I think in stems from the fact that I'm not tracking calories or weighing food right now. I kind of feel like I'm slipping back into my restrictive ways. I have no idea what my weight is since the scale has been hidden from me. GAH I just want to have a normal relationship with food!!0
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I haven't binged in 9 days
But you haven't binged in 9 days! ~ IMHO... and I feel like I need to start adding a disclaimer to my posts... if only for amusement sake.... That's the ISSUE here, generally speaking for all of us..... focus on eliminating the binging.... and take it from there. So, again, IMHO.... consider all these new issues as side effects, and deal with them as best you can.I haven't binged in 9 days
The sloth's advice is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. :huh:
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I figured this would happen, but i just binged right now after coming home from the movies. The expected family won't be here until the mprning, but I just got really worked up thinking about everyone coming together really got me. Among the family showing up is an uncle who possibly molested my oldest sibling and another uncle that stole my grandpa's retirement fund.
I'm disappointed because I had gone a while without binging. I feel like I didn't even really try to prevent it or reach out.
The one good thing is that I was able to stop myself from eating a few things I really didn't like and didn't dig into the cookies or Pop Tarts. I don't have a trigger food so much as I do trigger events.0 -
I haven't binged in 9 days but I'm having terrible anxiety about food lately. Everything I eat I feel like " I shouldn't have eaten that" anything from fruit to nuts to cheese and even if I'm hungry. I think in stems from the fact that I'm not tracking calories or weighing food right now. I kind of feel like I'm slipping back into my restrictive ways. I have no idea what my weight is since the scale has been hidden from me. GAH I just want to have a normal relationship with food!!
I feel like we are living parallel lives haha. I've been having the exact same issues, and frankly it's just as bad as bingeing in some ways. While I feel a lot more in control during restrictive cycles and better about myself, it's technically just as bad. And even if it's not, it's going to eventually lead to bingeing. It is so hard to find a balance because it seems like things are extremely all or nothing. It's awesome that you are not weighing and not logging, so keep that up. Maybe next time you go to the clinic you can discuss the restricting and anxiety associated with it. It is after all an eating disorder coming from the same place, just manifesting in a different way. The thing that I hate about restricting versus bingeing is like when I'm bingeing, I feel accomplished when I've eaten at maintenance or slightly under. When I'm restricting, I feel extreme anxiety at the thought of this and can agonize for days over eating something harmless like half of an apple.0 -
CooCooPuff wrote: »I figured this would happen, but i just binged right now after coming home from the movies. The expected family won't be here until the mprning, but I just got really worked up thinking about everyone coming together really got me. Among the family showing up is an uncle who possibly molested my oldest sibling and another uncle that stole my grandpa's retirement fund.
I'm disappointed because I had gone a while without binging. I feel like I didn't even really try to prevent it or reach out.
The one good thing is that I was able to stop myself from eating a few things I really didn't like and didn't dig into the cookies or Pop Tarts. I don't have a trigger food so much as I do trigger events.
Oh man, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate (no pun intended). Good luck with the gathering, and please keep us posted and vent when you need to!0 -
sloth3toes wrote: »I haven't binged in 9 days
But you haven't binged in 9 days! ~ IMHO... and I feel like I need to start adding a disclaimer to my posts... if only for amusement sake.... That's the ISSUE here, generally speaking for all of us..... focus on eliminating the binging.... and take it from there. So, again, IMHO.... consider all these new issues as side effects, and deal with them as best you can.I haven't binged in 9 days
The sloth's advice is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. :huh:
Although I am proud of myself for going 9 days without a binge and not binging is important to me, binging is not the biggest issue in my case. I don't want to get back in a restricting cycle, trading one ED for another is not the solution.
My main goals in this fight are:
eat what I want to eat but only when I'm hungry
stop when I'm full
to not obsess about food every moment of the day
treat all food as neutral (not labeling something as a good or bad food)
not have anxiety about food choices
have a positive body image1 -
Yesterday was a beautiful day in Illinois. It was in the 70's and sunny. I got up cleaned my car then pressure washed my patios, tried to scrub the leaf stains off the back one and mowed the lawn. Looking back to last yet at this time I would not have been able to tackle one of those jobs before I quit but lately I have been self motivated to do things. Which for the last few years I had zero motivation. In the down side even from being in Disney for a week and getting a tan I am sun burned from being outside so much yesterday.0
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well this just went to *kitten*
. Everything went good, then some bad news and boom I binged.... 3500~ above my tdee 0 -
Ugh I just binged too. It was very short though, lasted under ten minutes and had about 2,000 calories during that time. I'm really annoyed with myself. I'm glad it was on the smaller side and that it was short but I had such a great day. It was definitely out of boredom and loneliness. My husband went to the park and said he'd probably be back around 4 and it's not 7:30. I called him to check in and he was still there. I'm too distracted to get work done and just generally feeling kind of down. Really disappointed in myself, as I was finally starting to lose weight.0
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Last night I ended up bingeing again. Could have been worse, came in around 4000 calories. The crazy thing is my weight was DOWN this morning. It's so rare that that happens and it's nice in that I am less likely to binge when I see the number, but sometimes it causes me to justify bingeing again. I'm sure it'll show up on the scale tomorrow or something.0
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I ended up binging Saturday and Sunday.
9k Saturday, 6k Sunday, 5k? Friday night
I don't even know what to say about Sunday. I feel really gross because I haven't been as attentive to hygiene as usual. Fun morning before work.0 -
Last night I ended up bingeing again. Could have been worse, came in around 4000 calories. The crazy thing is my weight was DOWN this morning. It's so rare that that happens and it's nice in that I am less likely to binge when I see the number, but sometimes it causes me to justify bingeing again. I'm sure it'll show up on the scale tomorrow or something.
Have you ever consider taking a break from the scale for awhile? I really think it is something that has helped me.
We went out for icecream last night and I felt extremely anxious about it so afterwards I came home and ate 3 big spoonfuls of peanutbutter. I was able to stop before it turned into a full binge. Still a little disappointed in myself for not just eating the icecream and being okay with it0 -
That sounds like a victory to me, peanut butter is SO hard to stop eating!
I have taken a break from the scale before, but I always end up bingeing nonstop. I feel like it keeps me somewhat accountable. I know I'm going to have to break up with it soon though, because it's an unhealthy relationship and it definitely dictates a lot of my behaviors.0 -
CooCooPuff wrote: »I ended up binging Saturday and Sunday.
9k Saturday, 6k Sunday, 5k? Friday night
I don't even know what to say about Sunday. I feel really gross because I haven't been as attentive to hygiene as usual. Fun morning before work.
Oh man, that sucks. Is your family gone now? Do you think that once they leave, things will settle down a bit?0 -
I had what I would consider a half-binge at about 1 AM last night. Leftover tortilla chips from the nachos I made over the weekend for my son. I don't think it hurt my calories too badly, but I still feel a bit annoyed that it happened. Oh well. Guess I just need to get back on the horse and keep going. Today is C25K day, and I have new running shoes, so yay.0
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Update: The new running shoes gave me blisters. I am not a happy camper. It's probably my crappy socks, so I'll start there, but I really hope I don't have to take the shoes back to the store.0
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That's such a bummer. I hate breaking in new shoes.0
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Got to work then, and had to prep some veggies for a hamburger bar that the junior high schools are doing today. That means I got to use my personal knives, is it wrong that I love my special Global knives? It is sad that I do not get to use them more often because most of being and Executive Chef/Manager is office work and things like that. So I really enjoy when I get to get into the kitchen turn on my music and go back to my roots or knife work and cooking. Other than that been keeping busy at home doing chores and fixing things that have been neglected since BV (before Vyvanse) Mike was too unmotivated to do things like keeping up with the house I now have to pick up his/my slack from before. So now to get things ready for a small catering and back to paperwork mountain YAY.
@RespectTheKitty with the new running shoes did you break them in at all, or open the box put them on and go for a run?0 -
@RespectTheKitty with the new running shoes did you break them in at all, or open the box put them on and go for a run?
I just put them on and did my thing. The first time wearing them, I had no issues. The second time was when I got the blisters. The only difference between the two times was the socks, so I have to believe I just wasn't wearing the right socks the second time. I ordered some running socks, so we'll see if that fixes the problem.
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I would love to hear a post-marathon check in from @daniellethesheep!0
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They aren't gone but everything seems to be settled down. I binged again yesterday, but everything seems to be in order today.CooCooPuff wrote: »I ended up binging Saturday and Sunday.
9k Saturday, 6k Sunday, 5k? Friday night
I don't even know what to say about Sunday. I feel really gross because I haven't been as attentive to hygiene as usual. Fun morning before work.
Oh man, that sucks. Is your family gone now? Do you think that once they leave, things will settle down a bit?
What kind of shoes do you have @RespectTheKitty? Getting fitted for a pair of running shoes was fun.0 -
CooCooPuff wrote: »
What kind of shoes do you have @RespectTheKitty? Getting fitted for a pair of running shoes was fun.
They're New Balance. I really hope I don't have to take them back because I paid a crap ton of money for them.
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Getting back into mfp, I'm working on not bingeing on junk food. I have avoided junk food for a week, so I'm a few days into my second week w/o bingeing, exactly. There was one day last week where I just ate everything in sight, cereal and leftovers. But that's still not as bad as say a whole box of cookies. I'm making progress, I think.0
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Each day is a new challenge, so take it day by day. This is an everyday struggle and I think people tend to forget that part of it. Celebrating the small victories keeps us on the right path, yes a binge can still happen, but being able to sort of contain the amount consumed during a binge is a big victory.0
