Unwelcome Comments
lauraaleshire
Posts: 15 Member
I think that I may be someone who is too susceptible to being effected by what others say to me about my appearance. A friend touched my belly a week or two ago without asking (after babysitting for us so we could go out for our anniversary) and told me it was "still squishy." I think she was comparing me to a friend who is due next month, but this made me feel awful and I didn't say anything and I wish I had. Extra awkward that she had just done a favor for me.
Then I told another mama at the daycare where my daughter goes that I'm due in November and she said, "really? You look great!" That made me feel much better and happier about things... until...
Another friend came over who I haven't seen in maybe a month or more and said, "You look so pregnant!" Me: "Yeah I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I'm having a growth spurt." Her: "I mean I've heard this can happen in second pregnancies..." implying in much huger than expected at this point.
This all on top of increasing rate of weight gain lately that I can't seem to get control of. I was doing so well in the first trimester and now I'm gaining 1.5-2 pounds per week despite regular exercise and eating about 2,000 calories per day. Last pregnancy I didn't count calories at all and I'm ending up gaining just as much this time. Having a hard time feeling good about myself right now.
Then I told another mama at the daycare where my daughter goes that I'm due in November and she said, "really? You look great!" That made me feel much better and happier about things... until...
Another friend came over who I haven't seen in maybe a month or more and said, "You look so pregnant!" Me: "Yeah I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I'm having a growth spurt." Her: "I mean I've heard this can happen in second pregnancies..." implying in much huger than expected at this point.
This all on top of increasing rate of weight gain lately that I can't seem to get control of. I was doing so well in the first trimester and now I'm gaining 1.5-2 pounds per week despite regular exercise and eating about 2,000 calories per day. Last pregnancy I didn't count calories at all and I'm ending up gaining just as much this time. Having a hard time feeling good about myself right now.
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Replies
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It does sound like you are taking people's comments to heart. I recommend against that. If I had a dollar for every time some jerky thought they were being funny by asking if I was "sure it's not twins" I could fund some kid's college education.
First, relax. Unless you are a Duggar you will only be pregnant a few times in your life. Pregnancy, like old age and death seems to make people feel like it's ok to invade your privacy. Like they have some right to touch your tummy or ask all kinds of questions that would normally be a faux paus. For my own sanity, I try to ignore anything that I would find rude if I wasnt pregnant and let the rest slide.
Now, for your weight gain. I can see how gaining that much a week could shake you. It could be fine if you started off small or with low body fat. Thin women can have healthy pregnancies gaining 40-50lbs. My sister was like that and the OB said it was ok since she was a little under weight. If that's not your case, mention it to your Ob.
Have you had the gestational diabetes test yet? GD can cause that kind of weight gain too, and getting it has almost nothing to do wih anything you did or didn't do.
Be easy. In a couple months this will all be over, and then you get to worry about strangers wanting to touch your baby. Lol
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I just had an OB appointment and she checked my weight but wasn't concerned. I just checked my own charts and it looks like it's been a little more up and down then I originally thought. Maybe all this heat is a contributor. But I still feel worried about how I look and sensitive.1
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I know what you mean! The last few weeks my belly has really grown and everyone feels the need to mention it to me. (I'm nearly 33 weeks now). I know I shouldn't take it to heart, I'm pregnant after all and my belly will grow. I dislike that people talk about your body like you haven't witnessed it every minute since you became pregnant. It's tough when people tell you to brush it off or they didn't mean it that way. I would never comment on anyone else's body at any other time, so pregnancy should be no different. Certainly never say such ridiculous things like "whoa, you're huge" or "are you sure it isn't twins?!" or even "wow, you look so uncomfortable". Comments hurt and I wish we could just make it illegal to say anything about pregnancy weight gain4
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Hang in there, OP! It can be hard to hear people comment about our bodies (even more than usual during pregnancy).
Maybe think about how we raise our daughters (especially, but kids of all genders, too!) - I know my mom was always so fixated on her weight, others', and mine, and really created a sense of worth around someone's size. I have worked hard to get over this but still struggle with being negative about myself or internally judging someone until I check the negative thought. I know I don't want to raise my kids to have this same attitude and I have been reading and discussing techniques to instill a value of health and wellness and activity without fat shaming.
I know your post is about pregnancy weight in general, but for me, the concerns about weight gain in pregnancy are not new to pregnancy.
As for the weight up and down, I think that's normal. Just make sure you're drinking plenty of water especially if you're spending a lot of time outdoors in the heat. And maybe you don't need to be on the scale except once a month or biweekly at the most...1 -
Girl, I feel you! We had a patient at work a few weeks ago who came in with a friend. Her friend commented that I must be ready to pop any day. I turned and looked at her with shut up eyes and said "Nope, just over half way through, actually" as nicely as I could muster. Not taking the hint she says "REALLY? You sure it's not triplets?!?". More shut up eyes, and more intense tone "Nope, just one perfect sized baby girl". Not taking the hint - "Wow, you need a better doctor. There is no way there is only one in there!" This is when I snapped. I turned to her and said "You must have missed the memo. As a society, we have agreed not to say ignorant *kitten* to pregnant women regarding their size or lack there of. Especially when we out weigh said pregnant woman by at least 70 lbs!" She shut up.
This incident was followed THE NEXT DAY by my exhusband asking if I was sure there was a baby in there because I'm still so tiny!
Don't take it to heart. People love babies. And sometimes, they make stupid comments. Sounds like you're doing great, and yes, the heat can mess with weight. Make sure you're staying plenty hydrated. We hiked 10 miles this weekend (4.5 on Sat, 5.5 on Sun), I still stayed with in 2000 cals, and I'm up 6 pounds this morning.3 -
I feel you! I am almost 36 weeks and have gained 35lbs already. I started off quite small (5'6'', 130lbs, size 4) and I am carrying all in my belly and apparently I look huge. About five times a day for the past three months people have said "Oh my god you are huge", "Are you due any day now?", or "Are you sure there is only one in there?". I had an eating disorder in my teens and still struggle with body image issues so it has been a struggle but after months of people's rude behavior i'm learning to let it slide off my back. My response now is "Well my doctor says I'm measuring right on track" and walk away.0
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Got a doozy today, ladies.
Coworker: how is your daughter doing?
Me: she's great! She's two now and we have another on the way.
Him: really? you know I was looking at you the other day and thought, "Wow. She's really having trouble getting the baby weight off."
Me: That doesn't make me feel good at all.
Him: Why? Now I know it's all new baby weight!
Me: You should never comment on a woman's size. And I'm six months pregnant!
Him: I had no idea...(proceeds to tell me about other times he's put his foot in his mouth around pregnant and recently post post partum women)
Me: These area all examples of terrible things you've said. If you are sure someone is pregnant all you are allowed to say is how healthy and beautiful she looks.
Him: well you always look healthy and beautiful.
Me: now you're just back tracking. As you should. You just told me I look like crap.4 -
I'm at least proud of myself for standing up for myself, but I'm honestly hurt and pissed.0
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@lauraaleshire what a jerk!0
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Well, some people are socially retarded. Sometimes you just have to consider the source.1
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Just thought I'd share my recent comments at 35 weeks
Wow have you not popped yet?
You've only put weight on your belly and your *kitten*,
You don't have massive pregnant mummy boobs,
Other than looking really tired, you look great,
I'm hoping when I get pregnant my feet don't look like that - making reference to varicose veins, didn't want to let you know what else gets swollen when your pregnant.
Only a few more weeks of pregnancy comments then I can move onto the post pregnancy comments.0 -
I had a patient tell me that I looked like I was ready to deliver any minute - even in my face.
HOW DID MY FACE LOOK READY TO DELIVER?
On the other hand, I have been a part of her care team since my flirting with 300lb days, and she made a point to tell me that I hardly looked like I gained anything but baby (which is still inappropriate to comment at all) and when I told her that I've gained 20lbs she told me it was inspiring to watch me have a health pregnancy.
But still... what does "ready to deliver" look like in the face?2 -
When I announced my pregnancy at work a girl said she could tell I was pregnant because of how round I was getting. I was only six weeks along at the time.0
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I hate how pregnant bodies become a OK thing to chat about. Being impregnanted shouldn't give the world license to comment about your body one way or the other. I have one co-worker who likes to tell me how many weeks pregnant I look depending on my outfit.0
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Ah I got the "well I knew you were pregnant because you started eating breakfast".. I didn't even know I was pregnant at the time. I ate the breakfast because it was free for the month. Who the heck doesn't eat free breakfast!?
People LOVE to claim they "knew" you were pregnant but they're full of poop lol.
I have had people say things like "oh you're smaller than this other woman I know at the same point in the pregnancy" and things like that (how rude is it to compare women like that!? That's a "Well her boobs are bigger than yours" kind of statement). And people putting their hands NEAR my belly but luckily thinking better of it and stopping. People just really don't know lol. They're so awkward.1 -
I have been pretty lucky, but it is still early, I imagine it gets worse and worse as you get bigger and it is obvious to strangers. My boss is Chinese though, so he is a little interesting. Apparently in China pregnant women are treated very delicately, so he is always worried about me. I swear any time he sees me standing he is like "do you need to sit down". Maybe when I am further along I will appreciate it more, but right now I have only gained 2 lbs, so its not like I am carrying a heavy load or anything.0
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@4legsRbetterthan2 Ah my boss is similar! He's from India. He keeps bringing me food that his wife made me and using pretty old terms like "In the family way". Once in a while he's inappropriate because of culture differences... but... well... free amazing food, you know? lol
5 different people asked if I wanted their chairs yesterday in a big meeting lol.1 -
I'm 27 weeks and have been getting the same comments, @verykatie. I don't look pregnant in clothes unless they're super tight, which I don't wear anyway at work/around.0
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I'm 25w5d and I popped early - around 14 weeks. This is baby #2, so its to be expected. I had difficulty gaining weight in the beginning, so its not like I was really packing on the pounds and people still made comments about how big I was already. I've done side by side picture comparisons between pregnancy #1 and this one and my bump is quite a bit bigger. MY BUMP. I started out 20 pounds less - and have only gained 8 pounds so far. There's less fat to hide my bump, people!! My mom (who only had 1 pregnancy) made the comment about how big I was this time and how its not going to be another 6 pounds baby ... umm... I tried to explain how subsequent pregnancies tend to show earlier and larger due to muscles being stretched and blah blah blah... she still makes the occasional comment. And I'm constantly getting "wow you're really popping" comments. Yes, thank you, make me feel even more like a beached whale when I still have 15 weeks to go. Thank you, so much. People are just so inconsiderate. -_-0
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@Hurricane_C im sorry people are making you feel that way. You are absolutely right that people show earlier and larger after the first. The good news is you will get to have the " I told you so" moment after
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Hurricane_C wrote: »My mom (who only had 1 pregnancy) made the comment about how big I was this time and how its not going to be another 6 pounds baby ... umm... I tried to explain how subsequent pregnancies tend to show earlier and larger due to muscles being stretched and blah blah blah... she still makes the occasional comment. -_-
Oh man my mom is the worst for comments, I almost don't want to go home for Easter. (When I will be like 38 weeks?) All I hear about is how tiny she was for her pregnancies (which is revisionist history) and guilt trips as I have banned them from visiting until one month after the baby has born (they live far away and stress me out and don't pitch in).0 -
@almostsuperpowered I'm sorry to hear that about your parents. My mom is super supportive (to the point where its almost annoying), and I'm sure she doesn't mean her comments to sound they way they do... but damn.
One I thought of the other day wasn't exactly about me. This was a little over a year ago, when my friend was pregnant with her 4th. The custodian at our company was talking to me and was like "man, I thought you were big when you were pregnant, but *insert friend's name here* is really big". I think I responded with a blank stare and no words. Like excuse me!? Thanks for calling me a whale... and my friend a whale - its her 4th kid dude! Some people just need to think before they talk - most people do.1 -
Hurricane_C wrote: »@almostsuperpowered I'm sorry to hear that about your parents. My mom is super supportive (to the point where its almost annoying), and I'm sure she doesn't mean her comments to sound they way they do... but damn.
One I thought of the other day wasn't exactly about me. This was a little over a year ago, when my friend was pregnant with her 4th. The custodian at our company was talking to me and was like "man, I thought you were big when you were pregnant, but *insert friend's name here* is really big". I think I responded with a blank stare and no words. Like excuse me!? Thanks for calling me a whale... and my friend a whale - its her 4th kid dude! Some people just need to think before they talk - most people do.
Men like that should never be blessed with a wife and children! Grr.0 -
almostsuperpowered wrote: »Hurricane_C wrote: »My mom (who only had 1 pregnancy) made the comment about how big I was this time and how its not going to be another 6 pounds baby ... umm... I tried to explain how subsequent pregnancies tend to show earlier and larger due to muscles being stretched and blah blah blah... she still makes the occasional comment. -_-
Oh man my mom is the worst for comments, I almost don't want to go home for Easter. (When I will be like 38 weeks?) All I hear about is how tiny she was for her pregnancies (which is revisionist history) and guilt trips as I have banned them from visiting until one month after the baby has born (they live far away and stress me out and don't pitch in).
My mom is bad too, she's always been a "hater" when it comes to being overweight. She sent me to a weight loss clinic when I was 15 yrs old when I weighed 121 lbs (I am 5'6") ......she's always commented negatively on my weight, as if that's what defines a person (she says stuff like I am big boned....and other things like "Oh I saw so and so - she's so beautiful and she's so thin!" All her friends are the same. I am a physically active girl and I have curves and yes I carry about 15 lbs extra weight which I work on. She said she starved herself in all her pregnancies (in the 50's and 60's I guess that was doctors advice) Like you @almostsuperpowered (although I am only 26 weeks) I love my parents, but, I will be skipping Easter at hers LOL I don't need the shaming! I can't imagine my 3rd Tri when I get bigger - I won't be visiting her then either! I just don't want the anxiety.1 -
Passed someone at work in the hallway and they said hi to me by saying "Hey big mama" and I said "Hey" - because I respond to anything apparently. And then I was thinking... "Wow... that's a risky way to address a pregnant woman...". Like... what if I found that offensive? She essentially commented on my body...
But then I think I'm thinking about it too hard LOL and I shall move on.0 -
its weird once people find out, and they start calling you momma, I don't really think of myself as a mom yet, I guess because its not like I have to do any actual parenting at this stage. and its not like we go around referring to people we know have children as moms and dads. seems odd that people do it during pregnancy.0
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Actually yes! It bugged me more that she called me mama than it did that she called me big. I'm not HER mama so why is is calling me that? It's weird lol.0
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yeah, just a way for them to show their excitement for you. its definitely weird the first couple times, but I am getting used to it0
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32 weeks - today someone finally acknowledged that I'm pregnant. I've been feeling fat instead of pregnant, so that was nice. It was also with me wearing my first maternity shirt of this pregnancy lol.0
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my friends daughter said my butt doubled in size after my SO had just gotten done telling me my butt was the same.
i'm sure it has doubled it just hurts to hear. 0
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