So it seems I have a chance to be on here right now as Keith isn't fussing about me tapping away.

My number one tip for being pregnant and having a new born. Do. Not. Do. A. Big. Project.
I super regret starting the backyard project in my third trimester. It's making everything so stressful and it's still not done and I feel like Chris never sees Keith and that makes me sad. And it makes me sad that Chris seems like he is okay with how much he sees his son. How does he not miss him more!? Also we are bleeding money and I don't like that. I want to be saving money.

I also am finding I really miss Chris. It's weird being home during the day without him as I associate time at home with time with Chris.

So for post partum talk...

I am going to try pumping today for the first time and am really nervous. I'm afraid I'm going to get my period back because of it and that Keith won't take back my boob after.

I am already feeling guilty about not being able to spend as much time with baby number 2 as I have with Keith and we don't even want to try for another year (probably more).

Breastfeeding is more stressful than I thought it would be. And it's not free. Spent so much on clothes and bras. My boobs go up to a GG now when they're full. I used to be an E cup and I hated how big I was then. I'm going to buy Naked Tanks for winter so I can just wear my normal sweaters.

However, oddly loving my new curves. I have a squishier more poochy tummy and bigger boobs and I feel like even my hips and ribs changed shape. I feel very voluptuous. I am lucky breastfeeding and tracking without weighing most food is sufficient help lose weight. My clothes still don't fit even though I technically lost the weight. So I may have to maintain a lower weight now if I want to not buy everything.

I also cry a lot now. I've been keeping an eye on myself for ppd and don't think I'm there. But I definitely have sad days (which tend to coincide with bad sleep days for keith). I also think that having no free time or times when my body is just mine wears me down too.

But of course my baby is so wonderful. I don't regret having him at all and I'm still so excited to see who he will be as he get older but I'm also like "stop growing up so fast!!!"

Funny thing I noticed! I have a friend and some neighbours from Asia. I didn't realize they didn't know Caucasian babies are born with gray blue eyes that then change. I've had several friends ask what colour his eyes are and are surprised when I say blue but we don't know what they'll be yet. I think they'll go brown though. I guess I didn't consider that most babies in the world are born with brown eyes that stay brown. You're so used to what you're used to, am I right? Thought it was cute.

Welp. Did something today I never thought I'd do. I tried to put Keith in his crib for a nap today and it didn't work so he became over tired. I was not feeling well because... too many cookies yesterday lol... He was screaming and I had to go to the bathroom... so I... bounced him on my lap on the toilet. Omg. But I couldn't wait and I couldn't let him scream for as long as I suspected I would need.

He is now sleeping on my boob again. The only place I can get him to nap it seems. Everyone in the house gets to sleep except me these days. Bah.

Oh! One thing I am loving is having time to read again! I've been downloading ebooks from the library onto my phone and reading while Keith eats. I read Me Before You by Jojo Moyes and I read... umm.. omg what. What did i read... holy smokes short memory.

Eta it was big little lies by Liane Moriarty.

Anyway I'm now reading girl on the train. Which I actually have a paper copy of but you need 2 hands to read an actual book but only one for the phone. And lots of time Keith traps one of my arms.

Things not to do when putting baby down for a nap:

1) Make a noise when you inevitably yawn.
2) Sniff or cough.
3) Once you find the perfect rocking-bouncing combo that is working for your baby at that moment, change it.
4) Put them down too fast.
5) Put them down too slow.
6) Breathe on their face while putting them down (while keeping an eye on if their eyes open).
7) Get your rings caught on the fitted sheet while slowly pulling your hands out from under them.
8) Pull on their hair while pulling your hand from under their head (90% of said hair grows at the base of the head right where you hold them).
9) Have any of their skin stick to yours.
10) Step on a creaky part of the floor after putting them down.
11) Close the door too loud.
12) Touch the one button on your phone (yes, they can hear that).
13) Let their arms or legs drop too fast when taking away the support of your body.
14) Put them down too soon.
15) Put them down too late.

Just some tips that I've found out hahah.

...
Rant time...
...

Husbands/fathers are nearly useless. Or at least mine is.

Keith used to go up to 8 hours between feedings at night. So since he's gaining so much weight the Dr said I don't have to feed him every time he wakes up (in fact it's not good if I do).

Keith woke up with 4:17 since his last feed. Husband changed and rocked till 4:40 since last feed and refused to try more claiming he'd been rocking for 30 mins (40-17-5=17 mins). He made me get up to feed our super relaxed baby (if they're hungry they cry). I rock this kid up to 11 times a day for 25-30 mins sometimes.

All this after 2 nights in a row of not helping because going out with friends and sports are more important. Oh and joy his useless family (so useless they won't even touch keith) is coming tomorrow and Chris is planning to spend hours in the hot tub (yay a third evening in a week of no help). Keith is 50% his but he just shirks his responsibilities so much. And hockey again on friday. So it's literally going to only be 3 nights of help this week and he f-ing gave up and walked away.

I'm so angry and exhausted. It's been 3.5 months of this. I feel like I'm going to have to be the bad guy and make him quit sports. Chris won't even give me an hour so I can exercise. He's all talk.

And bonus I feel bad for ranting.

Hi ladies. So I did end up talking to Chris about it. And he is helping lots now. Though still sportsing. Which is something we talked about before Keith came around and I just feel differently about. He did drop one hockey team.

Honestly... I have a few signs of PP Depression or PP Anxiety so I think that's why I might have been spiraling a bit more than usual. The insomnia comes once in a while and sometimes I think about abandoning either just Chris or both Chris and Keith. And then one scary thought while I was taking a bath. Plus also being super nervous to go anywhere with Keith on my own unless I have to. I've been hermitting in my house. I find I don't even like having people over unless Chris is here to help me take care of Keith. It's worse when I'm more sleep deprived. And finally feeling like it has to be me who takes care of Keith and having trouble relinquishing any kind of control.

But I contacted a friend who went through it and she has someone I can contact if I don't feel better soon (plus suggested I talk to my midwife). I haven't yet. But Chris is helping me keep and eye on it and he helps out every night (as in during the wee hours) now and has agreed to have people over more often vs. going out. And I'm going to try to go for a walk with Keith any nice days we have before winter.

The thing is it doesn't feel super oppressive or anything. I don't feel that way every day. It kind of comes and goes. So hopefully it's mild and will resolve as soon as Keith sleeps more. Luckily he randomly has learned to soothe in his crib as long as I restrain his hands and thighs (lol how nice of me) so it's easier to get him back to sleep now (used to have to rock him for up to 20 mins a time). If only he would connect his nap sleep cycles (currently he naps for 36 mins exactly every 2 hours which isn't enough time for me to fall asleep)... My sister said one of her children always took really short naps and eventually outgrew it though. So I have hope.

Also bonus. I FINALLY got Keith to drink 25 ml from a bottle. So maybe I will be able to get him to eat from a bottle properly and fully so that I can get out once a week for dodge ball while Chris takes care of him.