I had fatigue and my well, frankly my kidneys aren't working too well right now possibly, but it's also my fault for eating stuff I can't digest or get rid of the waste (to confirm this however absolutely requires blood work). So I just need to do loads better - it's my responsibility to keep my body in good condition. I rested a lot today and it's a fruit smoothie / salad kind of day. My doctor is cool, he used to compete as a swimmer and now does triathlons. I can talk to him about exercising, running and my goals and he's just like - cool, go for it and we can talk shop. Any other doctor I've had before have looked at me like I'm jibbering in satanic lingo and then warn me not to over do it.

I'm feeling better this evening, and tomorrow, weather permitting, hope to hit the longer trail in the woods.

I had to take a rest day, but I don't feel set back. I know I'm still on track. I'm in a good place mentally. I'm still aiming for the 15 mile goal.

@corinasue1143 -- usually the day after a lot of exercise I'm starving! I'm going to attempt to plan for that better but it's tough 'the struggle IS real' .

Love reading everyone's updates -- keep up the excellent work everyone. Let's keep the ball rolling.

Friday evening checkin - diary is closed, under on calories - had brisket and smoked turkey for dinner (Yummy). Rain cleared off so we made the Augusta HS parade and then spent the afternoon hobnobbing with my father's classmates. There were 82 in his graduating class and better than 1/2 of them are still around and kicking. I hope that I'm doing as well as these folks are when I reach that age. Tomorrow will be another day of activities planned around the reunion.

@explodingmango I don't really talk about this stuff.. Actually outside of two family members I never talk about it. My only friend in the world is a cat. Who belongs to one of the people I share a house with but rarely see. But amongst others here, you're talking to a guy who has spinal damage and is trying to get on with life despite agoraphobia. So you can trust me when I say I REALLY get living with fear and not feeling like you can have what you want from your body.

I'm not one for getting up in other ppls business. But I think you're looking for some perspective so I'm going to say life is way too short for worrying about what other people think of your looks. Go and run the race because you can. Run it because you will respect yourself for doing it and giving it your best shot.

GL and have fun.

@Fyreside - Unfortunately, for me, it's never worked like that and never will.

I've had a therapist tell me I was too ugly to know my own identity - that has stuck with me pretty badly and I want to prove her wrong by being the same person she said I was too ugly to say I was, while actually looking good. In all of my hobbies and interests, people who look like me get overlooked AT BEST. Even in the career in trying to build - in fact, in every career I've ever considered - appearance is critical. Even my most likely shot, I don't have the capacity to build a resume strong enough to override the fact that people look at me and see a guy who can't be trusted to take care of himself, let alone have access to the kind of expensive, delicate equipment I'd want to work with when there are going to be a dozen candidates with equally good qualifications who look like they can do the job.

I have no future if I can't fix the way I look. And it's so much more than just the weight.

I can't stop caring. To stop caring would mean giving up on everything I want out of life and trying to rebuild from the ground up. It would mean pushing aside every dream I've ever had, and trying to find something entirely new that I can do, that I probably have no "natural" interest in, where it doesn't matter. And I've even gone so far as to try that - and the only possibilities I can figure out where it matters little enough that I can let my qualifications override it sound like hell on earth.

So..."stop worrying about it" is never going to cut it for me. I've tried. It doesn't work. It is not compatible with anything I want out of life.

But it's still the only advice anyone is able to give me and I hate it.

Sorry for being so negative. I'm not trying to just shoot anyone down. There's just...a lot to unpack here, that probably needs to be done with my therapist more than anything - I just don't know how to get by until my next appointment.

@OregonRunner5 - You pretty much just described exactly what I'm hoping to get out of this. It's frustrating though because I know it's going to be short-lived. This breakdown has preemptively sucked all the excitement out of getting my first finisher's medal - because, what is it worth if I still look so horrible that it destroys my chance at a future? What good is it if I still want to burn any pictures anyone takes of that moment?

I'm looking forward to getting a break but I hate that it's only going to last about half an hour.

Again, I'm sorry for being such a downer. This is just...all hitting really hard right now.

I can't change any of it. I've tried. I've tried to give up and change my goals but I can't. There's nothing I like or want out of life that I can achieve while being this gross.

I just missed my race. My alarm didn't go off. I checked obsessively to make sure it was set to the correct time and unmuted, and it still didn't go off. I missed my chance at getting even a short break from this hell.

If I needed a sign that it's time to just give up and die this is it.

Not offended at all. I appreciate everyone's support, even if...not much is really helping.

I found another race I can try instead tomorrow. I'm kind of in a hurry to do something this weekend because after missing this morning I just feel like "that's it, nothing changes, nothing ever will, I can plan and plan and plan but nothing will work out, I need proof that I'm wrong now." It's in a place I know and love, it's for a cancer charity, the finisher's medal is one of the nicest-looking ones of all my planned events, and there's a good opportunity for a zoo date with my boyfriend afterward so hopefully this one works out. If it does, I think it's actually a better first for me anyway. If it doesn't...I don't know what I'm going to do.

We also made an appointment to go visit our probable wedding venue next week because, well, we've gotta get on that, and it sorta kinda almost feels like progress if I squint. Hopefully this doesn't fall through too.

...thing about me is, my worst fear is living like I currently do for the rest of my life - constantly bored, always planning things but rarely finishing anything, having the rare few things I do finish go unappreciated because of how I look. But the more I examine my situation the more it looks like that's what's going to happen and it's...horrifying.

I'm going to keep trying for at least a few more months - boyfriend made me promise at least until his birthday - but god, I hate this.

Arrrgh!! Bleeping machines. I'm going to try to not get too hung up on this weeks results but I've pushed myself hard this week to knuckle down and get with the program. I've hit my daily exercise targets and had the calorie input locked in. With one small exception. Back on Tues I thought, hey MFP keeps telling me since I burned X today, I should eat Y Cals.. So I did. Ate way more than I really needed to and didn't feel great about it but still finished some 721Cal under for the day. According to the machines that is. I've overlaid two graphs to show what really happened.



I'm never trusting it again darnitt. I'm just going to eat less than 1600cal per day no matter what hokum it tries to tell me. the net result of this learning experience is that apparently, despite clocking my most physically active and calorie controlled week of this whole year. I didn't lose a single stinking pound. I could punch a kitten right now. (you know.. gently)


Hey @burly_man308 , are we having/encouraged to have a rest day per week?

Sunday checkin... closed the diary yesterday, way under calories for the day, not starving, just not hungry, so win-win.

I do not have access to a scale until Tuesday so I will report weight then. Did not get a lot of exercise this last week, will be upping the ante on that this week.

Keep up the good work peeps!

Oregon - sorry about your cold. Feel better. I've never been to Oregon, but pictures are beautiful, and people say it really is!
Meat - been there, done that. It paid off for me, hope it does for you. Bite the bullet and walk it off. You'll feel better.
Mango - congratulations! Big win-win. You did it and you did it well!
Dragon - must be hard not knowing, but I know your dad appreciates you! And that's worth it! Sounds like you're having a good time, too.
Fyreside - you're still taking it like a newbie. All or nothing. Weight isn't like that. It's slow and forever. Weight loss isn't linear. When you start a
Diet, you lose a bunch of water weight in the first few days, then you start gaining the water back at the same you start losing real weight at
The same time that first burst of energy and enthusiasm starts to burn out. Thus the dreaded second and third week when most people quit.
But the tough stay with it. How long ago was your accident? If your body was in bad shape that long, it's not gonna be well tomorrow. You've
Come so far! Be patient with your body. Give it a little longer to get better.
Disclaimer - this sermon was partly for you, and a lot for me. I need to remember it. I need to figure out how I am gonna exercise less, not more.
Problem is I love,love,love to swim and dance-(for fun, I have 2 left feet and no rhythm), but my body says no, take it easy.

@corinasue1143 You're 100% right. sigh.. And I should know better by now too hahaha. Patience has never been my strong suit. I'm that guy who brings all the shopping bags in from the car in one go. I don't mind putting in the work but I demand results lol. But your wise words are not wasted. I'm about 9 years into this chapter of my life and my body is probably not even at the starting line yet Finding the right pace is important.

FWIW I still like to dance like no-one is watching.. Just.. Only when I'm absolutely sure no-one is watching lol.