Relationship question
Replies
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Don't misinterpret my response... Really, if what this responder wants is a hot car, and hot sex, more power to her, but I don't see this as a basis for a long term - loving, committed relationship. I could be wrong, but am convinced that there is more to it than that, and perhaps my use of the word 'shallow' was insensitive, and better choice might be superficial.I think "shallow" is a harsh word and why should we not want a fulfilling sex life? And that is not materialistic in the least. She did say companionship is #1 and sex is #2. The car/motorcycle is kind of a *wink*wink* as I read it.
Also, I think that Carl's original question was what was the most important thing for a serious relationship, and I tried to answer that with my response.
No, I agree with you. Material things do not make for a fulfilling, life long relationship. And the hot sex tends to slow down, so I've been told.
I was only pointing out that the gal had mentioned that companionship and sex were at the top of her list and the hot car/motorcycle was an attracting factor but said with a wink. (I judge this by what I have read from her in the past, she has a strong grasp on reality
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To clarify, as tone is not always easy to project in writing without further context, I am not arguing your point just pointing out something that may have been taken wrong. :flowerforyou:0 -
I know in my case, when I had my child, I had so much love in my life for him, from him about him .. that when my husband started to pull away, I didn't notice because I had so much love in my heart that either I didn't care or didn't notice or didn't miss it because I assumed he felt the same way.
I also think that me being single has not bothered me one little bit because I have love in my life in the form of my child. It is the greatest love there is.
I've heard and seen this happen numerous times with my friends and family. I dont have children so I can't comment too much, but I can see how it is fulfilling in life to have the love of a child. Although there are so many instances where this love crumbles too! But that's for another thread!
But yeah,Love comes in many shapes and forms. If you're content with a childs love, then thats fantastic. There may be a case of me being currently content with the love of my friends. The love of a pet? The love of a car? The love of an Uncle? Whatever....... I think the operative word here is 'love' and that pretty much answers Carls question for the majority of us, that being with someone has to be based on love, or the heart
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I was rather surprised as well. Seems a bit shallow to look only for material & sexual gratification from a relationship. But if that's what floats your boat. Personally, I'd rather have a deep loving relationship - a real connection to someone vs. any money or wealth or lack thereof from another person.hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.
i'm actually a bit surprised to see this. interesting.
Why surprised?
I also agree with DM1983Z that we are not meant to live as singles for our entire life. There are definitely many benefits from being in a relationship vs. not, and he has articulated them quite well
I think you missed that COMPANIONSHIP was Number 1! :flowerforyou:0 -
Men are less bonded to their children than women are. So the birth of a child can really take away from men's satisfaction in a relationship because they now have to compete for time and attention. For guys who don't have a proper perspective on the process (one that having a child is a selfless and life long commitment and that you've really got to want to do in your heart of hearts-not be forced into it by your girlfriend or wife), this is rather jarring.
Dude, not even close. I am very bonded with my daughter and have always been emotionally closer to her than her mother is. I ws the one who would get up for her in the middle of the night and the one she called for. I had all the hard conversations with her growing up and I was the one who took her to her first gyno visit. Hopefully, when you have your own, you'll see how they emotionally change you (if you're open to it).
I think DM is right. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, and you sound like the perfect father (and of course there are plenty of mothers that dont bond with their children) but generally, and seeing as I never bonded with my father, and know several peers in the same boat as me with their fathers, I'm with DM on this :flowerforyou:0 -
Men are less bonded to their children than women are. So the birth of a child can really take away from men's satisfaction in a relationship because they now have to compete for time and attention. For guys who don't have a proper perspective on the process (one that having a child is a selfless and life long commitment and that you've really got to want to do in your heart of hearts-not be forced into it by your girlfriend or wife), this is rather jarring.
Dude, not even close. I am very bonded with my daughter and have always been emotionally closer to her than her mother is. I ws the one who would get up for her in the middle of the night and the one she called for. I had all the hard conversations with her growing up and I was the one who took her to her first gyno visit. Hopefully, when you have your own, you'll see how they emotionally change you (if you're open to it).
I think DM is right. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, and you sound like the perfect father (and of course there are plenty of mothers that dont bond with their children) but generally, and seeing as I never bonded with my father, and know several peers in the same boat as me with their fathers, I'm with DM on this :flowerforyou:
Agreed.
My mother has always been the go to for both my brother and myself. I love my father, don't get me wrong, but the bond with my mother is the kind where we can just sit in each other's presence and know what the other is feeling/thinking. I see them about the same throughout the year, but the relationships are very different.
This is not to discount the relationship of a father and his child, but I do believe that the bonds between father and child take a bit more work than the bonds most mothers have with their children because of the child having grown inside of her and the constant relationship she had at that time. By the time the child arrives, they're linked. Fathers can be, too, it just isn't automatic per say.0 -
I think that is a really good question. I would have told you years ago that financial security is so important. After two abusive marriages, I have discovered that the heart connection is so important. I would rather be with someone that I feel passion and deep love for than have financial security. I have walked away from two horrible marriages with nothing and rebuilt my life each time. Without that heart connection there is no lasting relationship. If you love one another and can communicate you can over come any other obstacles.0
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From my personal experience:I think DM is right. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, and you sound like the perfect father (and of course there are plenty of mothers that dont bond with their children) but generally, and seeing as I never bonded with my father, and know several peers in the same boat as me with their fathers, I'm with DM on this :flowerforyou:
- Father bonds with daughters more (cute and nice and all, and probably remind him of mother),
- Mother bonds with sons more (they are hard to understand and "tough", and probably remind her of the father).
Which can make sense in a way, and I have seen that pattern several times as well.
And yes, children modify the dynamics a lot in the couple. Which sucks. And it is indeed common for men to feel threatened by the birth of a child.0 -
Yes, I am only going from personal experience. When I cut the umbilical cord and my daughter wrapped her fingers around my finger (seconds after being born), she was what I knew the rest of my life would be about. It was her mother who pulled away from me after our daughter was born. In fact, when I found out she was seeing someone, she asked me if I'd be okay to let her keep seeing him. I wasn't, so she chose him.
Probably oversharing here. But I think men are just as capable of bonding with their kids. We just get pushed into the role of breadwinner, sheriff, etc. by society norms.0 -
Yes, I am only going from personal experience. When I cut the umbilical cord and my daughter wrapped her fingers around my finger (seconds after being born), she was what I knew the rest of my life would be about. It was her mother who pulled away from me after our daughter was born. In fact, when I found out she was seeing someone, she asked me if I'd be okay to let her keep seeing him. I wasn't, so she chose him.
Probably oversharing here. But I think men are just as capable of bonding with their kids. We just get pushed into the role of breadwinner, sheriff, etc. by society norms.
My heart goes out to you.
You seem to be a wonderful person, keep on your track and soon a lady will enter your life that will not try to remove the attention from your daughter, only to add to it and fulfill the remaining parts of your life. :flowerforyou:0 -
For me - love and to be loved, compatibility are the ruling factors for me. I have taken care of myself financially for the last 20+ years, I dont need a man for that.
My heart rules this roost, but sometimes my head gets in the way.0 -
I don't necessarily think the bonding with a child is a gender thing .. or mother or father thing. It is an individual thing. I know men who would rather die than be left with every other weekend with their child .. and then there are men who can barely manage that .. coughmyexcough. I think it falls onto who is the primary care giver.
Plus .. my son is the greatest person I have ever known .. his love compared to the love of my husband wasn't even on the same level.
But yes .. I agree with the fact that it all simply boils down to love.0 -
Yes, I am only going from personal experience. When I cut the umbilical cord and my daughter wrapped her fingers around my finger (seconds after being born), she was what I knew the rest of my life would be about. It was her mother who pulled away from me after our daughter was born. In fact, when I found out she was seeing someone, she asked me if I'd be okay to let her keep seeing him. I wasn't, so she chose him.
Probably oversharing here. But I think men are just as capable of bonding with their kids. We just get pushed into the role of breadwinner, sheriff, etc. by society norms.
This makes me sad. Life has many more blessings for you ahead I love to see single dads so dedicated to their kids - it warms my heart! 0 -
Yes, I am only going from personal experience. When I cut the umbilical cord and my daughter wrapped her fingers around my finger (seconds after being born), she was what I knew the rest of my life would be about. It was her mother who pulled away from me after our daughter was born. In fact, when I found out she was seeing someone, she asked me if I'd be okay to let her keep seeing him. I wasn't, so she chose him.
Probably oversharing here. But I think men are just as capable of bonding with their kids. We just get pushed into the role of breadwinner, sheriff, etc. by society norms.
Whoever snatches you up next will be very lucky!0 -
Yes, I am only going from personal experience. When I cut the umbilical cord and my daughter wrapped her fingers around my finger (seconds after being born), she was what I knew the rest of my life would be about. It was her mother who pulled away from me after our daughter was born. In fact, when I found out she was seeing someone, she asked me if I'd be okay to let her keep seeing him. I wasn't, so she chose him.
Probably oversharing here. But I think men are just as capable of bonding with their kids. We just get pushed into the role of breadwinner, sheriff, etc. by society norms.
Awwww overshare all you like :flowerforyou: Now all the women here are madly in love with you!!!
I think most women LOVE the fact that a man can be so close to his child? 
I could only ever dream of having a Dad like you. I think my Father was probably shafting some other woman when I was born!! :laugh: He certainly never came to any of our births (+3 siblings) so if that's where the bond starts............hmmmm!0 -
Yes, I am only going from personal experience. When I cut the umbilical cord and my daughter wrapped her fingers around my finger (seconds after being born), she was what I knew the rest of my life would be about. It was her mother who pulled away from me after our daughter was born. In fact, when I found out she was seeing someone, she asked me if I'd be okay to let her keep seeing him. I wasn't, so she chose him.
Probably oversharing here. But I think men are just as capable of bonding with their kids. We just get pushed into the role of breadwinner, sheriff, etc. by society norms.
Awwww overshare all you like :flowerforyou: Now all the women here are madly in love with you!!! I think most women LOVE the fact that a man can be so close to his child?
I could only ever dream of having a Dad like you. I think my Father was probably shafting some other woman when I was born!! :laugh: He certainly never came to any of our births (+3 siblings) so if that's where the bond starts............hmmmm!
Yup. lol.0 -
Yes, I am only going from personal experience. When I cut the umbilical cord and my daughter wrapped her fingers around my finger (seconds after being born), she was what I knew the rest of my life would be about. It was her mother who pulled away from me after our daughter was born. In fact, when I found out she was seeing someone, she asked me if I'd be okay to let her keep seeing him. I wasn't, so she chose him.
Probably oversharing here. But I think men are just as capable of bonding with their kids. We just get pushed into the role of breadwinner, sheriff, etc. by society norms.
I totally agree and know many fathers who feel exactly the same way. Having kids does test a relationship and many will falter, but if you ask the people involved whether it was worth it most will say a wholehearted yes. That's because love for a child is the purest form of love, the most unconditional, unburdened by what we may get back in return. I know it's not for everyone but parenthood often teach people what real love is about, it changes them in a good way, if they are brave enough not to hide from it and lucky enough to be able to enjoy it.0 -
For me it has to be about the physical and emotional chemistry. Ive been on my own since I was 19 and both my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend couldnt keep a job so I'm used to being the provider and very independent. I also have a very close group of friends who are for the most part single so I have my companionship (plus I have my little ones) From me it has to be the tingle and attraction and desire to be around the other person. The fact that they pop into your head and make you smile or blush. Thats what I need from a relationship......
As for fathers being close with their kids. My ex-husband and I are lucky in that we get along very well. We decided when we first split up that this was not going to affect the children and have done everything in our power to keep both of us in their lives equally. We have split custody (I have them a week and he has them a week) We will all attend their plays and other school events together. Being that I'm super close with my father I wanted to make sure my kids have the oppertunity as well. I'm happy to say that so far WE have done a great job. WE have two happy well adjusted kids who love everyone :flowerforyou:0 -
Obviously, there will be no one answer to this, but from what I've observed it depends on the stage you are in life.
Generalizing from my life:
High school- for appearances because "EVERONE" has a bf/gf and you don't wan't to be the one without
College- looking for fun, not for any real commitments
Early 20's- adjusting to life in the "real world", look for someone nice, but don't invest too much time
Late 20's- "oh ****, everyone has babies or is getting married!", want relationship for appearances because "EVERYONE" has one and don't wan't to be the one without vs "I'm going to be stuck with this guy forever so I hope there's nothing wrong with him lol"- This is the internal battle I'm having with myself at the moment lol. Also, the fact that I wonder why I'm evening trying to date when I'm happy without.0 -
hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.
i'm actually a bit surprised to see this. interesting.
Why surprised?
Ouch...wow...I wasn't expecting "I'm surprised you are so shallow"
I was expecting something more like "between the ministry and your engineering degree most guys wouldn't expect "hot sex" to be a primary consideration.
But yeah, the only things I really need from a man are companionship and sex. A good man does me no good if he won't share in my adventures.0 -
Yes, the #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, thanks to those who actually read that. The hot cars thing was a joke. The hot sex thing is not. My parents are still going strong.0
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hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.
i'm actually a bit surprised to see this. interesting.
Why surprised?
Ouch...wow...I wasn't expecting "I'm surprised you are so shallow"
I was expecting something more like "between the ministry and your engineering degree most guys wouldn't expect "hot sex" to be a primary consideration.
But yeah, the only things I really need from a man are companionship and sex. A good man does me no good if he won't share in my adventures.
I believe that was a mistake in reading the full post you wrote, once it was pointed out I believe she got it.
But yea, the shallow thing was kinda...well. Yea.0 -
Yes, the #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, thanks to those who actually read that. The hot cars thing was a joke. The hot sex thing is not. My parents are still going strong.
By the way I dont think that shallow . I pretty much think you have it right. There has to be that intensityin a relationship. I agree lol0 -
The #1 thing I need to sustain a relationship is for me to respect my partner. If I lose respect for him, I don't want to sleep with him, talk to him or be around him. I think every aspect of a relationship ties into how I would respect them, from how they treat me, communicate with me, spend time with me, take care of themselves and their responsibilities, show affection, care for their family etc.
That being said, respect also has to be earned, just like trust, but the trust thing also ties into the respect concept. If I feel I can't trust them, I certainly won't respect them.0 -
bump0
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Love and sex.
Simple.
:bigsmile:
I want lots and lots and lots of hot sex with someone I love. 0 -
Awwww overshare all you like :flowerforyou: Now all the women here are madly in love with you!!! I think most women LOVE the fact that a man can be so close to his child?Whoever snatches you up next will be very lucky!
Tru dat... you rarely hear guys talking about being a good dad... so all the single moms are drooling right about now... too bad he said in another post he's not looking for anyone with young children (totally understand that, time to enjoy the next phase of life, but too bad for us single moms) 0 -
I think it honestly has to do alot with age. When I was young .. I just wanted someone hot with a nice car. lol.. when I was youngerish .. I wanted someone to take care of me and to have babies with. Now that I am older I just want someone who will love me for me, who will take care of my heart, treat me well, who won't get annoyed if he has to spend time with me, who won't play games and lie to me .. make me wonder where he is .. etc etc etc. I don't have the need to fix anyone anymore .. I just want someone who WANTS to be loved.
basically summed my thoughts and desires up!!!
I am only 23 but I really want a serious relationship with someone who is actually doing something with their life and who ACTUALLY WANTS A GIRLFRIEND. I have found that many time a guy says he wants a relationship but then gets into one and realizes he actually likes his freedom more.0 -
I have been waiting to post this bad boy!
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I think it honestly has to do alot with age. When I was young .. I just wanted someone hot with a nice car. lol.. when I was youngerish .. I wanted someone to take care of me and to have babies with. Now that I am older I just want someone who will love me for me
hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.
Hahaha! Yes followed very closely by #2!!!!0 -
I know in my case, when I had my child, I had so much love in my life for him, from him about him .. that when my husband started to pull away, I didn't notice because I had so much love in my heart that either I didn't care or didn't notice or didn't miss it because I assumed he felt the same way.
I also think that me being single has not bothered me one little bit because I have love in my life in the form of my child. It is the greatest love there is.
Men need attention. That's normal. As human beings, we're designed to want attention from our significant others.
Men are less bonded to their children than women are. So the birth of a child can really take away from men's satisfaction in a relationship because they now have to compete for time and attention. For guys who don't have a proper perspective on the process (one that having a child is a selfless and life long commitment and that you've really got to want to do in your heart of hearts-not be forced into it by your girlfriend or wife), this is rather jarring.
I don't think men are less bonded to their children at all. My kids are the world to me and the greatest thing in my life. Having children most definitely changes the dynamic of a relationship but it shouldnt take away from satisfaction in a relationship.
All that said, I am a much better father since my divorce solely because now it isnt a team effort and their are no splitting up of responsibilities, when the kids are with me we are our own little team! My time with my kids now is all about us and it is amazing, and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Of course I also don't have deployments that keep me from the kids for long periods of time anymore so that also helps. I guess the point is my kids and I have a great relationship and a phenomenal bond and I appreciate that so much more now than I did when I was married.0
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