What does he mean when he says "I'm just testing you"
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from what i have read and been told, a guy will push as far as a women lets him. so, she needs to make sure she has her boundaries set before a make out session. which it sounds like she did. but, since the guy doesn't know what HER boundary is he'll push until she says no.
maybe he was trying to be funny, but it didn't come across well.
there is a dating coach that i really like reading and he just sent out a newsletter about bad dates. about how we can all BE the bad date without realizing how bad of a date we are being. and that we need to sometimes let some of the "bad stuff" slide by because he's nervous, we're nervous and sometimes wires get crossed.
so, maybe one more shot wouldn't be a bad thing. i dunno.0 -
I think her asking him to leave made him feel embarrassed and he was trying to lighten the mood/lessen the awkwardness by telling a joke. I don't see how anyone could say that and be totally serious.
I'm not sticking up for him, by the way. I personally wouldn't appreciate that response myself. I would have preferred an apology over a stupid joke.0 -
If a girl I was just dating kicked me out for anything as small as that I probably wouldn't bother going back. Not really my type.
That's the problem, though. If a woman has established physical boundaries with a man she is "just dating," and he intentionally ignores them and tries to blame it on her, that is not a small thing.
Everyone has boundaries. They may not be of a sexual nature. Maybe your privacy is a boundary. Maybe you don't want a girl you're dating to snoop through your cell phone if you leave it unattended. If she does and then blames you for leaving your phone out where she had access to it, would that be a small thing to you?
I don't think you guys get it. It's not about "Oh, my vagina is a precious jewel, and you must crawl over broken glass to get to it." It's about trust and respect.
Dont get me wrong, Im not advocating, not respecting your boundaries at all. I am saying that if I dont concur with her boundaries, we are not a good fit and I am going to move along whether those boundaries are of a sexual nature or not. I am all for everyone sticking to what they believe in and doing only what they are comfortable with.
My point is the guy said "I was just testing you" and it seems a lot of folks are ready to tar and feather him and make him out to be some sexist dbag. Maybe he is maybe he isnt, but I dont think we can label him with the limited info we have nor can we legitimately say he was only after a booty call. The guy said something that caused his date to seek advice from her friends and we are castrating him as an evil man that just wants to get laid.
Newsflash...everyone wants to get laid! If the person I am interested in has boundaries that, for instance, are set at no sex until marriage, I am not the guy for her. I dont want her to change her boundaries, and I dont think its fair to ask me to change mine either (which is kind of what we have turned this thread into...men are bad because they want sex before a woman may be ready).
So yes, I do respect your boundaries, all Im asking is dont assume I am a sex craved deviant because I dont agree with them and have my boundaries set at a different level. To each their own.
I agree that I don't think this guy is in the wrong for trying to push it after several dates until she said "Stop" then I think he should respect her and have just stopped. I admit I didn't like his choice of words that he is "testing her." At this point he has demonstrated that he wants to go further and she has to decide whether she wants to with him or if she wants to pursue this relationship further. I know if I really like a guy, I tend to move slower in relationships but I know that each date brings different boundaries until I am ready.0 -
We do not know what led up to him "pushing" though, if XYZ was happening he is more than likely going to want ABC. He tried, she said no and he stopped. His wording may have not been the best but he did just get shot down. I say cut the guy some slack.0
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A lot of judgments being made here with very little information. The words themselves mean very little without all of the contextual connotations.
Tru dat... though for reasons stated above I'm not gonna ask for clarification ;-)0 -
i was on a 4th date with a guy that seemed like a nice respectful guy. we had not done anything besides kiss up to this point. i had just figured out he was a smoker, which he had lied about, and i wasn't ok with.
he invited me back to his place and i was very clear that i was not ok with the smoking nor interested in a "make out session" with him. i don't like kissing someone and tasting it or smelling. blah! so, i was clear before we left the restaurant that i was NOT going to be kissing him. AT ALL. he begged me to come over though. he was like " we can just watch tv." i had already told him that i was not going to have sex with him ( back on date 3 i think) any time soon. and that night during dinner told him what a turn off the smoking was and i was not interested in kissing him again. at all.
so, reluctantly i agreed to watch TV with him for a bit. well, 10 min in i still have my coat and shoes on, NOT making myself comfortable at all, and he starts the groping and trying to kiss me. i basically told him no, and that i was VERY clear with him before we even left the restaurant that NOTHING was going to happen. NOTHING. and that he had said he was ok with that.
he kept saying " why not?" " come on." so, i told him that if he didn't stop i was going to get up and leave and probably not speak to him again. when he asked why i told him it was because i had told him my boundaries and expectations during dinner. prior to us even leaving and he had said " ok." and now, he wasn't respecting me enough to stop when i'm asking him to.
so, he didn't stop. i got up and left. and that night he texted about how he didn't realize "the rules."
to me THAT is a sign of a guy that just doesn't get it. a guy that does not respect the " no." this wasn't a matter of a mutually agreed upon make out session where he was seeing how far i was willing to go......... one, i can forgive, the other, not so much........
since hindsight is 20/20 and does me no good, i knew as soon as i left i should have just gone home from the restaurant and been done with the whole thing. trust me, lesson learned!!! LOL0 -
If a woman is comfortable, the boundaries will move. If she is into you but not to that point, she will say something like not yet, slow down and if she isn't into you she'll freak out and tell you to leave.
Not always. I’ll say something like “not yet” because that’s what I’ve been “taught” you say rather than just telling a guy “no.”
But the bottom line there’s no getting nekkid in my house until there's a ring on my finger. My last boyfriend got upset with me one time when I had to go home after visiting him for just 10 or so minutes because I just couldn't contain myself. It doesn't mean I wasn't into him. Doesn’t mean I was comfortable with him. It means exactly the opposite!
But I love the Lord, and want to abide by my principles. The man who is right for me will understand that (and, hopefully, feel the same way).
Ultimately, I’m looking for a man who can’t keep his hands off me, but does so by the grace of God0 -
If a woman is comfortable, the boundaries will move. If she is into you but not to that point, she will say something like not yet, slow down and if she isn't into you she'll freak out and tell you to leave.
Not always. I’ll say something like “not yet” because that’s what I’ve been “taught” you say rather than just telling a guy “no.”
With many guys, saying no is better than not yet. Not yet often strings a guy along, giving him false hope and false expectations. No can give greater clarity and that can be really helpful for a man. Please don't think I am coming down hard on you. The key in no vs. not yet is really knowing where the other person stands. This goes for both sexes.0 -
i was on a 4th date with a guy that seemed like a nice respectful guy. we had not done anything besides kiss up to this point. i had just figured out he was a smoker, which he had lied about, and i wasn't ok with.
he invited me back to his place and i was very clear that i was not ok with the smoking nor interested in a "make out session" with him. i don't like kissing someone and tasting it or smelling. blah! so, i was clear before we left the restaurant that i was NOT going to be kissing him. AT ALL. he begged me to come over though. he was like " we can just watch tv." i had already told him that i was not going to have sex with him ( back on date 3 i think) any time soon. and that night during dinner told him what a turn off the smoking was and i was not interested in kissing him again. at all.
so, reluctantly i agreed to watch TV with him for a bit. well, 10 min in i still have my coat and shoes on, NOT making myself comfortable at all, and he starts the groping and trying to kiss me. i basically told him no, and that i was VERY clear with him before we even left the restaurant that NOTHING was going to happen. NOTHING. and that he had said he was ok with that.
he kept saying " why not?" " come on." so, i told him that if he didn't stop i was going to get up and leave and probably not speak to him again. when he asked why i told him it was because i had told him my boundaries and expectations during dinner. prior to us even leaving and he had said " ok." and now, he wasn't respecting me enough to stop when i'm asking him to.
so, he didn't stop. i got up and left. and that night he texted about how he didn't realize "the rules."
to me THAT is a sign of a guy that just doesn't get it. a guy that does not respect the " no." this wasn't a matter of a mutually agreed upon make out session where he was seeing how far i was willing to go......... one, i can forgive, the other, not so much........
since hindsight is 20/20 and does me no good, i knew as soon as i left i should have just gone home from the restaurant and been done with the whole thing. trust me, lesson learned!!! LOL
This guy didn't care about anything but "getting some." If he ignored all your verbal requests and then still pursued it, he didn't respect you.0 -
Guys....Give up while you are behind, you aren't going find the right woman with "caveman" mentality!
But then, I did find my cavewoman. I'm not a wait until marriage kinda guy. I make that clear early on.
I'm as patient and respectful as can be. But when I hear the word "no" or "slow" it gives me a signal to re-evaluate the whole relationship. When anyone uses sex as a bargaining tool, then they've lost my respect. They are effectively saying, they don't value my contribution to the physical relationship as much as I should value theirs. It also means they won't think twice about withholding sex later in the relationship if I don't comply with their whims.
I think the key here is to find someone who is on the same frequency and speaks the same language you do. I'm sure waiting works for those who want to wait. But find a partner that is willing to do so. Then the word "no" doesn't have to be used.0 -
But when I hear the word "no" or "slow" it gives me a signal to re-evaluate the whole relationship. When anyone uses sex as a bargaining tool, then they've lost my respect.
I really wish you guys would stop equating no/slow/wait for marriage with using sex as a bargaining tool. Maybe it is for most of the women you've dated, but not always. I don't belive in "withholding" as punishment, but I do believe in waiting for committment.
And besides, amisnercpa, you've known your cavewoman for not even 2 months now. I've known women who pretend to be what a man wants for way longer than that in order to snag him. I hope that's not the case for you, but when you work on bases full of single military officers surrounded by podunk women, you see it all the time.0 -
Just wanna say: I appreciate everyone’s honesty.
I think, in a singles forum with so many people wondering why they are still single, that conversations like this are perfect for opening our eyes to what we might be doing that sends the wrong signal. Or sends the right signal but has an unintended consequence .
Thanks Peeps0 -
If the person I am interested in has boundaries that, for instance, are set at no sex until marriage, I am not the guy for her. I dont want her to change her boundaries, and I dont think its fair to ask me to change mine either
^^Yes, this. Why test if the answer is obviously clear? There is no other reason than instant sexual gratification.But there is something about those specific words that really, really, really bothers me. Probably because I've heard them before and (in my experience) the guys who use them usually turn out to be slimy.
This is my quote from earlier. Note the use of "in my experience". I'm not judging the example exactly as stated by the OP, but rather bringing my own perspective to it and was clear about that from the beginning.0 -
Guys....Give up while you are behind, you aren't going find the right woman with "caveman" mentality!
But then, I did find my cavewoman. I'm not a wait until marriage kinda guy. I make that clear early on.
I'm as patient and respectful as can be. But when I hear the word "no" or "slow" it gives me a signal to re-evaluate the whole relationship. When anyone uses sex as a bargaining tool, then they've lost my respect. They are effectively saying, they don't value my contribution to the physical relationship as much as I should value theirs. It also means they won't think twice about withholding sex later in the relationship if I don't comply with their whims.
I think the key here is to find someone who is on the same frequency and speaks the same language you do. I'm sure waiting works for those who want to wait. But find a partner that is willing to do so. Then the word "no" doesn't have to be used.
So then question for you- I am not a wait until I am married sort of women but I like to feel respected before especially if it is someone I really like and would like to be in a relationship with. What would you feel the would be the right amount of dates/time before you would expect it? Do you think her wanting to be in a relationship is a negative thing?0 -
I dont have a time limit at all or a certain amount of dates. In a perfect world, for me, being that I am not willing to wait until marriage...I prefer the first time to be one of those spontaneous (sober) things that just happens because we are both so turned on by each other we cant/dont want to stop. And it is someone I have been out with and have some chemistry and mutual feelings are obvious.
Note that is not the same thing as first date, half in the bag sex...that girl I found in a bar and wont be calling back unless it is last call and I am lonely!0 -
But when I hear the word "no" or "slow" it gives me a signal to re-evaluate the whole relationship. When anyone uses sex as a bargaining tool, then they've lost my respect.
I really wish you guys would stop equating no/slow/wait for marriage with using sex as a bargaining tool. Maybe it is for most of the women you've dated, but not always. I don't belive in "withholding" as punishment, but I do believe in waiting for committment.
This.
I am fundamentally against the idea of using sex as a weapon against a man, whether it's a quid pro quo situation or simply refusing to sleep with him because he pissed me off. That kind of behavior does nothing but destroy relationships. I actually view the withholding of sex as a betrayal of trust, and if you want to get religious about it, the New Testament expressly forbids it.
But let's be clear about something: the reason I view using sex as a weapon as betrayal is because sex, to me, is something special, to be shared between two people who love each other and have achieved a certain level of trust and commitment. If I just saw it as something fun to do and passed it out like candy to any man I found sexually appealing, I would use it to control you without batting an eye. In that instance, I wouldn't see it as an integral part of the relationship that you are entitled to precisely BECAUSE of your commitment to me. It would be just another tool in my arsenal that I could use to get what I wanted.0 -
So then question for you- I am not a wait until I am married sort of women but I like to feel respected before especially if it is someone I really like and would like to be in a relationship with. What would you feel the would be the right amount of dates/time before you would expect it? Do you think her wanting to be in a relationship is a negative thing?
Not addressed to me but since I am opinionated will answer anyways.
If there is no exact qualifying moment then it will be murky and way to guess,you may feel respected at a different pace with different guys so be clear about it but don`t hold it against anyone if they do test the waters.
If it is at the point of officially being in a relationship then let that be known and also part of the discussion of what both want from and expect from the other as well as what they are willing to bring.
This is where sex might inadvertently be seen as a bargaining chip so I think Jq`s last post should be enshrined in every man and ladies heart and mind.
It is a beautiful way to look at it and feel about it regardless of ones personal desires for when to engage it sex.0 -
But let's be clear about something: the reason I view using sex as a weapon as betrayal is because sex, to me, is something special, to be shared between two people who love each other and have achieved a certain level of trust and commitment.
Sexual fulfillment is the one need that only our spouse is allowed to meet in (most) marriages. Well, that and "Attractive Spouse." Other emotional needs, like conversation, recreational companionship, etc can be met by friends and others.
I do find, as you stated, that people who take a more casual attitude about sex tend to view it as another tool in their manipulation toolkit.0 -
So then question for you- I am not a wait until I am married sort of women but I like to feel respected before especially if it is someone I really like and would like to be in a relationship with. What would you feel the would be the right amount of dates/time before you would expect it? Do you think her wanting to be in a relationship is a negative thing?
Not addressed to me but since I am opinionated will answer anyways.
If there is no exact qualifying moment then it will be murky and way to guess,you may feel respected at a different pace with different guys so be clear about it but don`t hold it against anyone if they do test the waters.
If it is at the point of officially being in a relationship then let that be known and also part of the discussion of what both want from and expect from the other as well as what they are willing to bring.
This is where sex might inadvertently be seen as a bargaining chip so I think Jq`s last post should be enshrined in every man and ladies heart and mind.
It is a beautiful way to look at it and feel about it regardless of ones personal desires for when to engage it sex.
I guess I never looked at it as a bargaining chip, but I admit I go with the flow usually (unless it is too fast for me). Honestly I want the relationship or exclusively dating because I want the feelings there and not the worry is he ever going to call me now... If I really like the guy, sex means so much more then if I don't care about the guy.0 -
Guys....Give up while you are behind, you aren't going find the right woman with "caveman" mentality!
Scapez is one lucky lady :flowerforyou:
Thank you...and believe me, I know I am!
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Ok so I'm kinda in the middle on this one...... Personally I never set a "time" frame to decide to have sex . when it happens it happens. However I always let the guy know that I'm not going to just fall into bed with him the first time we go out... I dont believe in withholding sex but everyone is different and in this situation no one is really wrong. Each person has to do what is right for them. I am not casual about sex but if there is chemistry, I like the guy and I am not currently dating anoyone else as soon as the moment is right believe me he will know. I'm not above making the first move .:bigsmile:0
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Getting back to the original topic, I guess I’m surprised more people didn’t say, “Oh, he’s just being goofy, it doesn’t mean anything.” Or, “he’s just got a little bruised male ego from being rebuffed; give him a day or two and see what happens.”
It was all either he’s a loser for pushing or she is for not loosening up.0 -
Getting back to the original topic, I guess I’m surprised more people didn’t say, “Oh, he’s just being goofy, it doesn’t mean anything.” Or, “he’s just got a little bruised male ego from being rebuffed; give him a day or two and see what happens.”
It was all either he’s a loser for pushing or she is for not loosening up.
I don`t think I said that.
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It was all either he’s a loser for pushing or she is for not loosening up.
I don`t think I said that.
oh snap, I had to go back and look. You're right. Hmmmmmmmm note to self: maybe I shoudln't have wrote in absolutes0 -
Guys....Give up while you are behind, you aren't going find the right woman with "caveman" mentality!
But then, I did find my cavewoman. I'm not a wait until marriage kinda guy. I make that clear early on.
I'm as patient and respectful as can be. But when I hear the word "no" or "slow" it gives me a signal to re-evaluate the whole relationship. When anyone uses sex as a bargaining tool, then they've lost my respect. They are effectively saying, they don't value my contribution to the physical relationship as much as I should value theirs. It also means they won't think twice about withholding sex later in the relationship if I don't comply with their whims.
I think the key here is to find someone who is on the same frequency and speaks the same language you do. I'm sure waiting works for those who want to wait. But find a partner that is willing to do so. Then the word "no" doesn't have to be used.
Ummmmm maybe I am missing something but you just said "When anyone uses sex as a bargaining tool, then they've lost my respect. They are effectively saying, they don't value my contribution to the physical relationship as much as I should value theirs. It also means they won't think twice about withholding sex later in the relationship if I don't comply with their whims" Aren't you yourself using sex as a bargaining tool? If you don't get it when you want it, you bail?0 -
It was all either he’s a loser for pushing or she is for not loosening up.
I don`t think I said that.
oh snap, I had to go back and look. You're right. Hmmmmmmmm note to self: maybe I shoudln't have wrote in absolutes
Nah you are fine,I just wanted to fun with ya. :laugh: :flowerforyou:0 -
Guys....Give up while you are behind, you aren't going find the right woman with "caveman" mentality!
But then, I did find my cavewoman. I'm not a wait until marriage kinda guy. I make that clear early on.
I'm as patient and respectful as can be. But when I hear the word "no" or "slow" it gives me a signal to re-evaluate the whole relationship. When anyone uses sex as a bargaining tool, then they've lost my respect. They are effectively saying, they don't value my contribution to the physical relationship as much as I should value theirs. It also means they won't think twice about withholding sex later in the relationship if I don't comply with their whims.
I think the key here is to find someone who is on the same frequency and speaks the same language you do. I'm sure waiting works for those who want to wait. But find a partner that is willing to do so. Then the word "no" doesn't have to be used.
So then question for you- I am not a wait until I am married sort of women but I like to feel respected before especially if it is someone I really like and would like to be in a relationship with. What would you feel the would be the right amount of dates/time before you would expect it? Do you think her wanting to be in a relationship is a negative thing?
No, I don't think wanting to be in a relationship is a negative thing. In fact, I told my current girlfriend that I wouldn't be able to handle being casual with her. We weren't in sync on that at the beginning, and I was thinking I would have to just move on, but she came around. As a result, the sex gets better as our relationship builds. Does waiting until the relationship gets to a certain point make it any different? I don't know.
My main point was to find someone who shares your lifepath/rule set. Set those expectations early. And be consistent. Being stirred to the point of madness and then told "not yet" is very confusing.
Janie, yes, this is new and fun. I really do think I've found something special with her. If so, then we'll be the anomaly that had sex early on and lasted.0 -
I dont have a time limit at all or a certain amount of dates. In a perfect world, for me, being that I am not willing to wait until marriage...I prefer the first time to be one of those spontaneous (sober) things that just happens because we are both so turned on by each other we cant/dont want to stop. And it is someone I have been out with and have some chemistry and mutual feelings are obvious.
I am in this camp. I can have all the convictions in the world in my head that I'm going to wait for 3 dates or exclusivity, or whatever but it doesn't always happen that way. Women get lost in the moment and horny, too. It is way easier to never get started than to stop once the heat is on. More power to those of you with more self control. Guys may keep pushing the boundaries not out of disrespect but because many women do say that they are waiting or they want certain things before sex, and they may believe it truly before they are in the moment, but it doesn't mean that they really follow through. Or they don't want to be viewed as a slut so it's not like they are gonna advertise that if you play your cards right you may hit the jackpot. Like I've stated before, the more persistent guys usually do get what they want. Keep reaching for the buttons enough and eventually someone gives in. It's tedious to keep saying no and you may not want to stop cold turkey. It's very hard. Those of you with religous convictions do have a more strict line that, but for most people the line moves quite frequently. But no means no, and asking someone to leave is very clear. He shouldn't have admitted he was testing so blatantly, but isn't that really how it's always worked? See how far she will let him go despite previous proclamations?0 -
you are fine
haha cute guy said I was fine.
lol!
(you ladies know you do this too!)0 -
Guys....Give up while you are behind, you aren't going find the right woman with "caveman" mentality!
But then, I did find my cavewoman. I'm not a wait until marriage kinda guy. I make that clear early on.
I'm as patient and respectful as can be. But when I hear the word "no" or "slow" it gives me a signal to re-evaluate the whole relationship. When anyone uses sex as a bargaining tool, then they've lost my respect. They are effectively saying, they don't value my contribution to the physical relationship as much as I should value theirs. It also means they won't think twice about withholding sex later in the relationship if I don't comply with their whims.
I think the key here is to find someone who is on the same frequency and speaks the same language you do. I'm sure waiting works for those who want to wait. But find a partner that is willing to do so. Then the word "no" doesn't have to be used.
Ummmmm maybe I am missing something but you just said "When anyone uses sex as a bargaining tool, then they've lost my respect. They are effectively saying, they don't value my contribution to the physical relationship as much as I should value theirs. It also means they won't think twice about withholding sex later in the relationship if I don't comply with their whims" Aren't you yourself using sex as a bargaining tool? If you don't get it when you want it, you bail?
I never said I bail if I don't get it. I look for women that attract me that have similar expectations about sex. Those conversations tend to happen early on. So, if she's waiting until marriage, then I may as well move on. I'm not going to push for her to change her position.0
This discussion has been closed.