Okay okay.. Sorry I ended up going to bed last night and didn't really want to talk about it anymore. So this is what happened.

I sat around all morning/early afternoon waiting for him to take the lead and invite me over. Finally, I ask, "So when do you want to see me?" and he says the typical, "whenever you're free, I'm just hanging out" and I say, "Well tell me! Be aggressive, be be aggressive!" and he comes back with a satisfying "Your *kitten* should have been here 5 mins ago!" Okay good.. so.. I shower, get dressed, get his gift, drive to DQ to get an ice cream cake, and head over. He loves the beer and the cake, we hug, sit down, and we're chillin' watching TV and chatting. I could tell from when I first walked in that he was nervous about something.

He brings up randomly, and this isn't exactly how he said it, but basically says, "So, last week another girl tried to have sex with me, but I couldn't do it because I like you." Well.. I wasn't expecting this. So. I kind of sit there, like.. okay? And it's kind of awkward silence for the next few minutes, until he says, "So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I like you. I know we've been playing around with the bf/gf thing, but if you can just give me a little more time and be patient so I can work out whatever it is inside me that's making me scared of committing."

Okay.. so I say okay.. sit around a little bit more, just taking everything in and thinking. He says feel free to say anything that's on my mind, so I do. Lots of things. First, I ask him about the girl. I'm not really mad, but I'm curious. Hell, I've been still flirting with other guys and have kissed other guys, so I'm not mad. But I wouldn't tell him about these situations. So anyway, I ask what happened? He says it's a girl that he met before me, and they've been kind of texting back and forth for the last few months, but she's in and out of town. They go to lunch sometime last week (when I'm out of town of course) and then she goes over to his house for a movie. I guess they're kissing and I don't know what else, but she's trying to get him to have sex and just telling him to go with the flow, and I guess he said sorry he couldn't, and she left. No spending the night or anything.

So we move on to things that have been bothering me. I told him about everything. I told him how I think he's holding back his feelings, how I wasn't really sure how he felt about me because he doesn't ever vocally communicate it to me. I told him how it bothers me if I say affectionate things and he either doesn't reciprocate at all or just comes back with a joke. I asked him why he hardly ever kisses me with passion, unlike the first couple of dates we had. I ask him if it bothers him when I say **** like "I miss you" or something. I guess he's a bottler. It's hard for him to communicate with words, or even say how he's feeling. He tells me that last week his grandpa had a heart attack, and he was having a hard time dealing with that, but didn't want to tell anyone because he just doesn't normally do that.

I go on to tell him I want him to be more assertive. I want him to tell me sometimes, "Ashley, I want to see you. I want you to come over. I want you to spend the night, etc." I told him I don't like calling all the shots because I feel like I'm inviting myself over and I hate feeling like that. So he says that he understands how I feel and says that these are all things that he can try to work on. He says that he likes it when I say affectionate things, and it's kind of a defense mechanism to always joke about things, but he'll try to reciprocate sometimes.

Then I ask him what he's scared of. It takes him a few minutes to think about it, and he finally says that he's scared of failure, and he's scared of success, but he's more scared of us working. He's scared of us working and then down the road him getting stationed somewhere else and then being face with a hard decision or with hurt. I ask him if he's thought about if we work out and what happens after he gets through with training. He said he's already talked to his chain of command about possibly staying here as an instructor for the next two years of his enlistment. As long as he keeps his grades really high, it would be a possibility, but it's not a guarantee, and he won't even know where he's going till probably December. I go on to say yeah, I don't want to do long distance, but I don't want to get married just to stay with someone. He agrees. So that's the gist of our conversation.. after that, we kind of start kissing.

He's kissing me how I want him to, which is very nice. He stops and says, "I wonder if that makes up for half a day of missed kisses, I have about six more to make up to you." Yada yada yada, we end up having very passionate sex.. almost in the "love making" style. Afterwards we watch True Blood.. the whole time I keep thinking about the other girl. Remember when we were talking earlier about how you shouldn't tell someone you're dating and into about other dates? Yeah, I'm sticking with this. I would have rather not known. I appreciate his honesty but I didn't have to know. Now it's in my mind. I'm a visual person and I kept envisioning him and the other girl on the couch getting hot and heavy. Well anyway, I say "Okay I have one more awkward question. When you told the girl you couldn't, did you tell her why? Did you tell her about me?" and he said no, he just told her he couldn't and made up an excuse for her to leave. I asked if he was going to keep talking to her as a backup or if he was going to "fade away" and he said no, he doesn't need or want a backup. He likes me, and he goes on to tell me all the reasons he likes me.

So I say I need to get going.. he walks me out to my car, gives me a kiss goodbye and kind of just hangs there. I'm like "okay.. goodnight?" and he says he's sorry, he just feels really bad. I say don't worry, I'll get over it, back out, roll up my window, and tears immediately come to my eyes. I swear I'm not mad, I'm just hurt. The thought of him with someone else hurts me. Just like I know the thought of me with someone else would hurt him. As the reality sunk in, I realized how much I really feel for him. I don't know how much longer I can hold my feelings back and "be patient" before those feelings dissipate. When I fall for someone, I fall. It happens. I can't punch it in the face and tell it to stfu for a little while.

So ever since then he's been texting me weirdly. Using smiley faces and saying nice things, saying he wants to see me. He said he hopes softball gets rained out tonight so he can spend time with me. He randomly told me that he told his parents about me, and today he said out of the blue that he was deleting POF. I wonder if he's sucking up to me because he feels bad or trying to be more open like I asked. I guess you could say I'm not as animated and playful in my texts as I usually am, but I put myself out there. He knows I want us to be together and eventually get serious. I just don't know how long I can wait.

So that's it.. if you actually read all of it, kudos.