heartattackspecial Member

I like my coffee hot, strong, and black. If its yucky restaurant coffee I have to put some cream in it.

Dear knee, You are supposed to bend without pain so I can walk, run, jump, even do the macarana. This is no time to start hurting, for NO GOOD REASON. Either get your little knee butt in shape or I will get you replaced with titanium. Sincerly, The Brains of this operation

Dear Toaster, How dare you decide to die when I was about to toast my bagel. If this was some lame attempt to tell me that I am not supposed to be having carbs in bagel form....screw you! You toasted unevenly anyways. Sincerly, *evil eye*

I will choreograph and perform a flash mob dance to the tune of "Get me a chicken sandwich...and some waffle fries".

I keep getting told this one.... even though everything has been ground to a halt, closed, social distanced, delayed, postponed, cancelled...."Everything is going to be fine. It will all go back to normal soon".

Sure, I'll have that finished by tomorrow.

Yes I’m wearing clean underwear

but if it was more better would it still be considered average?

I often have to remind people "Yes, I know, I was there" when they are telling me a story about something that happened to them when I was with them, because they forgot that part.

I drink diet pepsi. And I enjoy donuts. Sometimes together. And I eat them while wearing an outfit that nobody will remember.

I don't go to the beach. Instead I have a kiddie pool filled with water in my driveway.

Oh, its a quick simple fix!

I only wear underwear made of natural root vegetable fibers.

I only eat healthy foods. Mostly I make things out of cauliflower to resemble actual foods. Like cauliflower hot fudge sundaes.

This morning I came up with a cure for Covid 19 while in the shower. However, while rinsing my hair, somebody flushed the toilet and blasted me with freezing cold water. I then slipped on a bar of soap, fell and whacked my head. Now I can’t remember it. I also think I’m a carrot named Diane.

I used to the kind of person who would streak at professional soccer games, but one time I tripped and knocked myself unconscious when my boob bounced up and hit my head.

Are they putting a limit on these items as well? I personally think moth ball scented housecoats should be considered essential.

I hacked into mfp and changed my calorie burn setting so that when I put thirty minutes of aerobics, it says I've burned a "google of calories" instead of 137. Its more inspirational.

I WORKED OUT MY GLUTES TODAY AND I'M STILL STANDING

I've paper mache'd all the unsolicited pictures I get into a lamp. I keep it on my desk at work.

I've also been quarantined with @LiftingSpirits. I know for a fact that she has shared some of our Friday Night Nude Macrame sessions on her homepage and that I didn't get any compliments on the macrame plant hanger I'm working on. :(

NONSENSE! THE WORLD SHOULD KNOW AND REJOICE THAT IT WASNT A SHART

I took a shower and sang every part of bohemian rhapsody in a fake British accent

I SNEEZED AND PEED A LITTLE

I’d like to go to a McDonald’s and ask people for bites of their burgers. However, I am enjoying zoom meetings. Every time I pay one of my children to pretend to murder me on camera. It’s great fun.

In hand more likely

My self portrait. Man I look old.

Let’s see if I can figure out how to post a picture

I’d go lay in the yard and pretend I’m dead so passerby’s would give me Mouth to mouth

I’d go to the dog park with my cat wearing matching outfits just so we could get attention and talk to someone besides each other