Unexpected weight-loss reactions...?
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Posts: 934 Member
So maybe 5-6 weeks ago I hit my first "stall" as my weight loss went from the steady/speedy loss most of us are accustomed to in the first month or two of LC to no movement for a week or two. I was griping about this and a friend kind of went off on me. Essentially telling me that it was because I wasn't eating at least 1400 net calories/day (because SHE personally can't eat less than that without being miserable...nevermind the fact that I'm generally not hungry on ~1200 net/day) and because I wasn't eating a "moderate carb" intake. She then went on to link to some condescending blog entry and told me that she couldn't support my diet (missing the fact that one of the things the blogger pointed to as disordered behavior was criticizing the weight loss efforts of others).
Since then she has been quite belligerent towards me, in general. We live in different states, so most of our interactions are on FB and the running message board where we met. She has posted not-so-subtle blog entries and articles on diet (one from the same blogger she'd earlier posted equated low-carbers with anti-vaxers and other Science-deniers)...feels like passive-aggressive digs towards me. As I've continued to lose, she's been increasingly less communicative with me.
Here's the thing -- 2 years ago we were about the same size. I gained 10-20#s after that, but she's probably gained 3-4 clothing sizes in that timeframe. I'm now back down to the size we were 2 years ago (thanks to the WOE that she so vehemently criticized). A year or so ago she also was involved in an ugly breakup with a guy I've never been particularly fond of. I supported her as a mutual friend started dating the guy not long after.
I realize her issues are her issues and her behavior speaks from a place of envy and frustration...but I can't help but feel like her actions are unforgivable. We're both ~40. This sort of scenario is to be expected of teenagers, but I'm not sure I can get past this. I just don't have the patience for adolescent BS from adults and can't be bothered to deal with fair-weather-friend types. If a person is going to respond so poorly in this scenario, then it doesn't seem far-fetched that this wouldn't happen again in other instances.
Have any of you experienced similar scenarios from friends/family as you've had success low-carbing?
Since then she has been quite belligerent towards me, in general. We live in different states, so most of our interactions are on FB and the running message board where we met. She has posted not-so-subtle blog entries and articles on diet (one from the same blogger she'd earlier posted equated low-carbers with anti-vaxers and other Science-deniers)...feels like passive-aggressive digs towards me. As I've continued to lose, she's been increasingly less communicative with me.
Here's the thing -- 2 years ago we were about the same size. I gained 10-20#s after that, but she's probably gained 3-4 clothing sizes in that timeframe. I'm now back down to the size we were 2 years ago (thanks to the WOE that she so vehemently criticized). A year or so ago she also was involved in an ugly breakup with a guy I've never been particularly fond of. I supported her as a mutual friend started dating the guy not long after.
I realize her issues are her issues and her behavior speaks from a place of envy and frustration...but I can't help but feel like her actions are unforgivable. We're both ~40. This sort of scenario is to be expected of teenagers, but I'm not sure I can get past this. I just don't have the patience for adolescent BS from adults and can't be bothered to deal with fair-weather-friend types. If a person is going to respond so poorly in this scenario, then it doesn't seem far-fetched that this wouldn't happen again in other instances.
Have any of you experienced similar scenarios from friends/family as you've had success low-carbing?
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I can't speak to it from a low-carb cause, but I've run into people like that. Simply put, some people are just emotionally still teenagers.
In my opinion, it's best to cut them out of your life when you find them, because they tend to be toxic to the relationship and just make you miserable after a while.0 -
I wouldn't pay attention to her. You know what works for you, so just stick to your guns and keep at it.
I personally haven't experienced this but I've seen it happen to friends and to my husband. People just get worried because they don't know the benefit of LC living.0 -
I wouldn't pay attention to her. You know what works for you, so just stick to your guns and keep at it.
I personally haven't experienced this but I've seen it happen to friends and to my husband. People just get worried because they don't know the benefit of LC living.
The thing is, I don't think she's worried for me. Rather than expressing concern she was condescending. There was a very strong vibe that she was attempting to drag me down...if she's not going to have weight loss success, then neither should anyone else. And years ago I dumped 60#s doing Atkins for 2.5 years and saw my best blood work ever, so it's clearly not in the least bit dangerous. And tons of recent research results also bear that out, so her not-so-subtle accusations that I'm anti-Science because I don't follow a SAD (which never was about Science, but was most certainly about politics) just really have me rolling my eyes extra hard.0 -
Dragonwolf wrote: »In my opinion, it's best to cut them out of your life when you find them, because they tend to be toxic to the relationship and just make you miserable after a while.
Right. It's just sort of shocking to me. I've been friends with her for probably ~6 years and if someone had told me even a couple of months ago that she'd turn on me I would NEVER have believed it. I'm still sort of in shock and puzzled over it. Part of me thinks I should confront her, but I also suspect she will deny and get nasty over it -- she's already shown such nastiness. I just don't really have the patience to deal with that.0 -
Some can't deal with their own jealousy. It's not your responsibility.0
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The older I get the more I realize that MOST people are just grown-up children. The ones who actually matured, continue to grow and learn, take personal responsibility, have real integrity and are capable of being loving, supporting people are few and far between. Sad, really.0
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I haven't dealt with this, but I don't talk in depth with my diet with anyone IRL except my husband. Honestly I wouldn't have second thoughts about cutting this person out. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.0
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I haven't dealt with this, but I don't talk in depth with my diet with anyone IRL except my husband. Honestly I wouldn't have second thoughts about cutting this person out. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
That's the thing...I was just sort of casually venting about how frustrating weight loss is after the initial weeks of whoosh and once a person gets within 20 or so #s of goal (that's when I have always struggled to lose more than 2-3#s/month, regardless of what I do). She asked questions, I answered truthfully...and then the criticism started and she's been snarky/critical about pretty much everything, ever since.
And the calorie thing -- 1200 net calories doesn't even net me a 3500 deficit over the course of a week, since I'm no longer in the "overweight" range (my goal is only about 13#s away). It gets me closer to a weekly deficit of 3000 cals. At her size the 1400+ she quoted likely is a reasonable daily goal. But it's all relative to one's relative body fat/size.0 -
My biggest critic is my sister, but since she hasn't seen me in months, she hasn't had an opportunity to lash out yet. My mom will be home from FL soon, so I'm sure she'll see me mid-April.
I totally expect a negative reaction of some kind. Most likely comments about my clothing, hair or lack of makeup. She doesn't attack me about my weight usually, because she's a body builder and ALWAYS is on some fat reducing diet of some kind.
However, her favorite comment is "You've always been the smart one, and I'm the pretty one."
Sometimes I'd like to pop her right in the nose.... LOL0 -
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Just block her or don't feed into her postings by commenting. Just say to yourself , " not my circus, not my monkeys ". Her issues sound like subscriptions! Not worthy of one carb of your energy.
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I've had the same problems with my family, though thankfully not as bad. Ive always been the smallest person in my family. When I first realized I was going up clothing sizes even though I was no longer getting taller in high school, I started counting calories to lose weight. My dad cooked dinner every night though and even plated the food. He would either tease me when I didnt finish my plate or think I didnt like his cooking. When I mentioned I was putting on weight, I was told I looked fine and not to worry about my weight, just eat well. Wanting to avoid their disapproval I ended up not eating all day then clearing my plate for dinner. When it became obvious I had lost weight though, (I never told them, they just eventually noticed) I was teased and told I was 'too thin' despite having a perfect BMI from the doctor. I lost about 10 lbs after I moved out on my own and they started pestering me if I had an eating disorder. -_-
Whats worse is after all these years that my weight was discussed because I was 'too skinny', I was sure when they saw me after having my first baby and gaining 40lbs that they'd say, "You should eat healthier" or something but they never have in the 4 years Ive been overweight. Being thin is bad to them but becoming obese isnt a concern apparently.0 -
Yup... been there with one of my girlfriends (IRL, not online). At first I ignored the PA jabs but when they morphed into direct jabs I told her straight up I love her, but I don't need or want her input and she could be assured if I ever did she'd be the first to know. It essentially ruined our friendship, but I'm in my late 30's, and she's even older, and I have zero interest in drama at this point in my life. I have plenty of friends who are completely supportive without giving me unsolicited "advice".0
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She's a carb. Reduce your exposure to her.
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IslandSneezerooo wrote: »but I'm in my late 30's, and she's even older, and I have zero interest in drama at this point in my life. I have plenty of friends who are completely supportive without giving me unsolicited "advice".
Yeah, not that this sort of behavior is ever acceptable, but after a certain point it just feels like adolescent "mean girls" behavior.0 -
dawlfin318 wrote: »Just say to yourself , " not my circus, not my monkeys ".
LOVE this. Dealing w/ some circus monkeys IRL right now...this is SO fitting. ;-)0 -
dawlfin318 wrote: »Just say to yourself , " not my circus, not my monkeys ".
LOVE this. Dealing w/ some circus monkeys IRL right now...this is SO fitting. ;-)
Agreed. I've been thinking of getting a tattoo of this saying.0 -
IslandSneezerooo wrote: »Yup... been there with one of my girlfriends (IRL, not online). At first I ignored the PA jabs but when they morphed into direct jabs I told her straight up I love her, but I don't need or want her input and she could be assured if I ever did she'd be the first to know. It essentially ruined our friendship, but I'm in my late 30's, and she's even older, and I have zero interest in drama at this point in my life. I have plenty of friends who are completely supportive without giving me unsolicited "advice".
Hell, I'm only in my mid-20s and already have zero interest in that kind of drama (and have been for years, really). Maybe it was due to being on the receiving end of that "mean girls" attitude for pretty much my whole life, but for the past several years, I've actively cut out the drama queens in my life. I don't know how people put up with that, or worse yet, cause that.0 -
I can testify that can carry on waaaaay after your 20's. I was friends with a group of Mums from the primary school a few years back. I discovered that they hadn't grown past the school yard dynamics and backed off. I don't have a big bunch of friends but the friends I have are lovely. I prefer it that way.0
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octobubbles wrote: »She's a carb. Reduce your exposure to her.
I'm so glad I wasn't drinking when I read this... This struck me better than "not my circus, not my monkeys." She's a carb (drama), I'm intolerant, so Eff off!!! SnickerSnortGiggleLaugh0 -
I have no use for the naysayers. I disassociate myself from them, they are a drag on my well being...
Dan the Man from Michigan
Blog #13 DittoDan's Milestone's, First's And Good Changes Since Starting the Ketogenic Diet
My Blog: It's Ketogenic or Bariatric (How I found the Ketogenic Diet)
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I have had experiences like this with co-workers. At the end of the day, I realize not everyone has the tools in their toolbox to build a happy life- regardless of how old they are. Criticizing, the need to always be right, attempting to drag you down with the negativity -- what a drain on the resources you need to achieve your goals. And the thing is, those people need more help than a good friend can give most times- because the issues are just too deep.
I think you can forgive her- and at the same time set boundaries and limit her exposure to you and limit her freedom to impose her opinions on you. In the long run, you'll be better off, and maybe she'll recognize that her actions have repercussions.0 -
The delete button is there for a reason. Prune negativity out of your life.0
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BetterBalancedMe2015 wrote: »At the end of the day, I realize not everyone has the tools in their toolbox to build a happy life- regardless of how old they are. Criticizing, the need to always be right, attempting to drag you down with the negativity -- what a drain on the resources you need to achieve your goals. And the thing is, those people need more help than a good friend can give most times- because the issues are just too deep.
I really needed to hear this today. Am having troubles w/ a friend who's been a friend since we were both middle-schoolers...so, like 30+ years. She is truly a psychic vampire at times and can be SO much work that it leaves me wondering, "Uh, WHY do I need this friendship??" The analogy of the toolbox rings so true. Most of us by this age have managed to accumulate a Craftsman Deluxe Set, while she keeps trying to make do with dollar store screwdrivers. I have to just remind myself that she may never be able to put together a working toolbox, and replace my annoyance with compassion. Her issues are just that, hers...I don't have to take that on to still be a good friend.
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Perhaps there is something else going on with her, in her personal life, that you are not quite aware of, but which is impacting her ability to be empathetic and caring? I mean, you've said that a few months ago you would have believed this was not in her character, so maybe something else is going on.0
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octobubbles wrote: »She's a carb. Reduce your exposure to her.
Ha haaa! Well said octobubbles!
It can be really difficult. Especially when it blind sides you like that. Someone you trusted to be on your side. Someone you trusted period. I'm assuming this is likely a trigger for her as she is likely struggling with weight loss as well. And as others have said, she just can't (subconsciously) bare the thought of you succeeding and her not. She HAS to be right on this one cause she's trying hard and it's not working for her. She's doing everything "right" like the "science" says. So it's not fair. Or some thinking along those lines. However, if she's not mature enough to support you no matter her position and/or simply express her concern in a mature way... You already know.
I'm sorry you've had to experience this. I have a friend dealing with a similar situation ATM. She asked why this happens to her so often? Does she attract it? I don't think so. I think it's just that there are far more "grown up children" as one poster put it. Far, far more people who are not totally mature and self aware enough to be truly supportive and accepting of another. So we, unfortunately see them more. Or perhaps we don't but because their behaviour is so mismatched from our own, they stick out more and cause us much more grief because we are definitely not on the same wavelength.
I am on my fourth go at a minimum 60lb weight loss. Never on LCHF. But every time I get under 160lbs there are 3 people in my life who change completely. And every time I have to simply give them the ultimatum to say something nice or nothing at all. This often results in them becoming quite distant. If you can simply compartmentalize it, seeing it as an insecurity in her, sometimes you can actually feel bad for THEM. I'm the one who feels free.
Just my 2 cents. Not sure there's much to help you work through the shock other than time.
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Oh boy, why can't people just be happy for you?? On the one hand, I've got my parents telling me I just need to lose 5 more pounds (no matter how much I weigh), and on the other hand, I've got my husband's family telling me I'm too skinny (As if that's condemnation. Lol.) for comparison's sake, I've been told both of these things at a size 8. EIGHT, people. Shees.
My husband says, "Just ignore it," but I'm not built that way. I try to avoid it. In fact, I've started telling the naysayers that I'm allergic to carbs. Lol. Most of them believe me! (And it's really not too far from the truth, when you consider the inflammation, high blood-sugar, candidiasis, and other unpleasant effects of carbery.)
Get away. Good luck!0 -
I've seen this happen no matter what diet I am on. Here's my opinion and it may be the kind of thing that people shrug their shoulders at and think "what's the difference?" Maybe empathy or maybe there isn't a difference.
I think that it is common to feel like one person's success is our own failure. Most people don't want others to fail. She isn't intentionally bringing you down. It's hard to watch others succeed when you feel like you're a failure. The problem is, somewhere along the line a whole bunch of us have learned or taught ourselves that other people's successes are our failures. Now, the logical, sane side of us says, "uhh... that's absolutely not the case and that doesn't really even make sense." But in some ways it does and it stems from competing with others instead of bettering ourselves. (I tell my daughter all of the time this is why swimming will forever be my favorite sport) In elementary school this type of behavior is encouraged. The winner, fastest, smartest, prettiest, best speller, best at math, best at kickball (you get my point) was acknowledged for being the best in the class or school. Now, please don't turn this political as I'm not encouraging that every child gets a ribbon. But what I am saying is that this behavior is inherent and I swear this will make sense at some point in all of this writing. All throughout our lives we try to find groups of people that are similar to us in someway. Yes, this happens well past high school. Don't think of it in terms of cliques or mean girls. Just people that share a similar mindset. Why not? It makes us feel better about who we are. We feel accepted. We don't have to compete with those people. But what happens if we find our person, we get comfortable with our person, and then suddenly our person begins to change? What if the thing we had in common with our person is that we both joke about how we're brunettes and how that is so different from the blondes in the office, but then one day our person colors their hair blonde and never looks back? Suddenly our person starts getting the attention we made fun of because they're blonde. We may feel sort of left behind, right? Well, we feel left behind only if we're not secure with who we currently are. We feel left behind if we never learned that the only person we should compete with is the person we were the day before. Just like in elementary school, we're so busy trying to be better than other people that we fail to recognize their success is not our failure. Other people losing weight faster, doesn't negate our weight loss. We're all on our own journey.
Ok, that was really wordy, and sh*ts about to get even wordier.
Your friend likely feels like she could never succeed at low carb. The sad thing is, she's too insecure to try. She has told herself that she "could never" do that, she would be too hungry and would miss bread. The funny part, she's probably a perfect candidate for the diet. But instead of trying something different she instead has decided to spend her energy proving that the weight you have lost is unhealthy. I've been there. I think it's crappy of your friend to bring you down. I have never said stuff like that to a friend's face, but boy have I been there. It took me 2 years of a coworker telling me about low carb to actually try it. Know why? Because I didn't at all understand the diet and I was tired of failing. I tried Weight Watchers and South Beach. I believed I couldn't do low carb because I was starving on both of those diets. When my mom started losing weight from a keto-esque diet (though she had no clue what she was doing) I thought she was unhealthy. Know why? Because that's what I had been told my whole life.
A funny thing about the low carb coworker, we never have been trying to lose weight at the same time. That means that whenever I'm losing weight, she has always tried to get me to eat something crappy. She's significantly smaller than I am. She bounces around within 10 pounds. I've gained 40 pounds since I met her. One time I called her out on trying to get me to eat something crappy when she knew I was trying to eat better. Her response? "Of course I am. It's natural for us to want other people to participate in the crappy choices we make so we feel better about ourselves." At least she acknowledges it. This is exactly why I don't talk to people about my diet. I don't tell people I'm trying to lose weight. I order my burgers with the bun and then I remove it. I don't need to hear anyone's opinion.0 -
THIS! ^^ So very much this.0
