Daily check in
Replies
-
I binged again. Maybe I was wrong about my bingeing cycle coming to an end, but I don't think so. I usually still binge once or twice a week when I'm not in one. So discouraging though. I need to get it together.0
-
I binged yesterday but managed to stop it before going extremely overboard, so "only" 1500~ above TDEE, small victory for me!2
-
Even small victories are worthy of celebrating.3
-
Well you know how i had that assessment on Friday at that ED program? Well on Monday they called me with their results and recommendations and said that at least I need partial hospitalization if not residential. PHP is like residential except you go home to sleep. And then today I met with the counselor from the ED team at NYU that I've been seeing and we talked about it and they've all been recommending a higher level of care but was like arguing almost about this . She literally told me I'm "off the charts" and that even as an ED specialist who works specifically with this population my symptoms are really extreme compared to most and stuff like that. And I find it very frustrating because I AM FUNCTIONAL and feel like I'm being punished for being honest. I truly do not think I need php at all as I feel that is for people who need very extreme intervention and can't function. I am so frustrated because I feel like I'm not getting the credit I feel I deserve. I'm making it a point to eat A LOT more than I usually do during my restrictive cycles, and I've also been incorporating tons of fear foods that i only eat when I binge. I feel like I'm officially crazy now.0
-
Oh wow. That is a lot to deal with. What sorts of doctors are these? Have you thought about getting a second opinion? Have you expressed to them that you feel that php may not be beneficial to you? Have you asked them what other options may be available to you?0
-
Oh wow. That is a lot to deal with. What sorts of doctors are these? Have you thought about getting a second opinion? Have you expressed to them that you feel that php may not be beneficial to you? Have you asked them what other options may be available to you?
They are all eating disorder specialists. I have spoken to: primary care doctor, nutritionist, therapist, and psychiatrists so far along with people whose jobs are to do "intake evaluations/assessments." Everyone I've spoken to specializes in eating disorders. And yes, I did get a second opinion. The first opinion I got recommended intensive outpatient, and the second opinion I got recommended partial hospitalization, as did the third. It's not that I don't think that PHP will be beneficial to me, it's just I don't think I need that high of a level of care. I've spoken at length with them about what other options are available, but everyone seems to be saying the same thing and that in order for me to ever make a full recovery, I am going to have to commit myself 100%. They even said PHP may not be "enough" and residential may be better, but I could start with PHP. It's so frustrating, because I feel like things have been better the last week and a half and I feel like there's hope. They are basically saying even if I do intensive outpatient, it'll probably only help temporarily. I'm stressed because it's kind of a now or never thing. I graduate in May, and have not started to look for employment yet. If I do this, that's really the only time I'll ever be able to do this. And I know it could help me a lot, but I also don't know if it's worth it. I've had eating issues for so long I'm just not sure that I can ever fully overcome them and I feel like I just may be one of those chronic cases whose eating disorder just kind of evolves from one form to the next.0 -
I honestly can't think of anything to say but I wish you well.3
-
Well had a rough day yesterday, found out my boss's boss, and another food service director are coming by my school today. They are doing something called fresh eyes where another director comes in and looks around I am not sure what all they are looking for. Well this caused me some stress which built and added more stress which led to a day of snacking, from hot fudge sundae pop tarts, twix, kit kats, snickers, nerd covered jelly beans, chicken nuggets, cheese fries, and that was all before dinner. Not sure why it happened but I am sure it is the stress from the unknown. I guess the director that is coming here used to have a similar position at my school and there was friction between her and the employees, so they are all worried and nervous about seeing her again. So stress is definitely a trigger for my binges, and even on the medication, I am not immune to binging.0
-
@ab6046 so currently you are doing 3 internship programs, along with school, I am not sure the status of your home life, if you are married or have children so I am working off assumptions. For me I have 3 children and a job and all sorts of things, but a few years ago I got tennis elbow, I know that it is not ED related but just follow along I promise it will make sense in the end. I felt a twinge in my arm and at the time I worked in a warehouse where I had to unload these rail cars filled top to bottom front to back all 53 feet long by 9 to 12 feet high of cases of gloves. well the twinge in my arm went from being an occasional pain, to a semi daily, to a daily pain. I kept putting it off and working through the pain and complaining about it. As time went on, over a year since I first felt the pain, it was now becoming impossible to do things like lift with my arm or carry things, and having 2 small children one of which still needed to be carried it made things interesting. So I finally went to a doctor, who referred me to and orthopedic and I got a steroid injection, the pain went away and all was well for a couple weeks. Well the shot wore off I then went to get another shot which lasted a week, then the 3rd shot lasted 2 days. After 3 shots they can not give you any more and I was back to daily pain. I then lost the ability to straighten out my arm all the way, so I could only bend it about halfway before terrible pain would come. I was referred to another specialist in the city who evaluated me I told him what was going on and found out only 10% of people who get tennis elbow need surgery to repair the damage, and I was in that lucky 10%.
The reason I am telling you this is because I had to take 6 weeks off of work unpaid, and it was very hard to balance being off or work and covering bills, and everything else. If you have the opportunity and means to make this happen before starting a job then take advantage of it. If you feel it is beneficial and that it can help you then do it. They said it may be a short term fix, but they have to leave that door open just in case. It may make a huge difference in your life, and give you tools to help you throughout the rest of your life to be able to beat the ED. Like you said this may be the only time you will be able to do this, so do it, learn as much as you can, and take what you learn and use it to the best of your ability.2 -
I've been in PHP before, and it wasn't so bad. I liked that I got to go home at the end of the day, that made it a lot better than all the times I've been inpatient at a hospital. The PHP wasn't specifically for my eating disorder though, it was mostly for my anxiety and depression. But one thing that made a huge difference in my eating disorder treatment was getting with a therapist who specialized in eating disorders and women's issues. She was amazing, and she was the only therapist I ever looked forward to seeing. @ab6046 maybe you can find someone like that, a therapist you can see once a week who specializes in BED? Tell the doctors you want to try that first because it fits better into your schedule? I dunno, just a thought. I really do feel for you and want you to get good treatment.1
-
-
sloth3toes wrote: »
I'm sorry but I agree with this also. I really hope you take the treatment. I know it's not what you want or what you think you need but I'm certain they have there reasoning for recommending that level of treatment. Please don't doom yourself into believing you can not overcome this. I believe that you can. Do this before you add the stress of a new career on top of it.1 -
I am doing ok this week. Haven't binged since last Wednesday and have been sticking to my new coping mechanisms when I have the urge. It's been a stressful week but I'm handling it. Going to my in laws for the weekend, which will be rough. Their house is typically full of trigger foods for me and they are big food pushers.0
-
I am doing ok this week. Haven't binged since last Wednesday and have been sticking to my new coping mechanisms when I have the urge. It's been a stressful week but I'm handling it. Going to my in laws for the weekend, which will be rough. Their house is typically full of trigger foods for me and they are big food pushers.
Amazing!!! May I ask what kind of coping mechanisms you've been trying? Or at least generally, like are they distracting activities (like walking, reading, etc.?) Good luck at your in laws, by the way!0 -
Wow everyone, I am so grateful for all of the support. Thank you so much.
One of the issues is I am seeing someone once a week (she specializes in EDs), and she is one of the people who keeps telling me I need a "higher level of care." All of the people I see specialize specifically in EDs, and they are all saying that. While I respect their opinions and I'm sure there's truth to that, I also am frustrated because I feel like at least with the therapy sessions, I'm not even able to get much out of it because so much time is spent being told I need a higher level of care. Not sure if that makes sense, I know I've been rambling a lot lately.
Also, I do think PHP would be very helpful. Don't get me wrong. But I am afraid. I have done PHP before, for bulimia specifically. I've also done residential and IOP. It helped me so much, and I stopped making myself vomit (that was 13 years ago). But it's more than the fact that I'm afraid, or that I feel like a failure or even like I'm regressing. It costs $1,295 PER DAY. PER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they expect I would do that for a month at least, and then transition into IOP for MONTHS which is $985 PER DAY!!! Yes, I have insurance. And yes, it covers a significant portion. But I would still be paying a solid $6,000 out of pocket. I know that is a "good deal" given the daily costs, but it's still a HUGE sum of money. Did I mention I am a full-time student working three internships, one of which is paid $15/hour and the rest are free? So I'm really struggling mentally with this. This is my chance, and I don't want to blow it. It might be what I really need. I mean, I'm going to need to find a job soon, probably start a family soon, etc. But what if it doesn't help? I guess I just don't have confidence I can kick this. I would have to ask my parents for money, and although I know they'd support me I just feel like I don't want to disappoint them and my life has just been a series of eating disorders and I really don't know life without one.
Wow, I really vented. Thanks for letting me do this, I feel so much better. I'm really glad about this group. I think many of us don't feel we can be this open about BED in day to day lives, so it's awesome to have an outlet.1 -
My grandpa passed away today. While I am very sad about this, he had suffered from Alzheimer's since I was in high school. I had a lot of time to come to get ready for this day. I haven't felt the urge to binge, but I am a little nervous about my mom's family coming over. I'm hoping that doesn't trigger something. Easter was my last binge and I would like to be able to cross off everyday this April.
The actual day of the ceremony should give me some relief. My brother doesn't want to take his kids, the oldest boy being four, and has asked me and my sister to watch him.0 -
Coocoo, I am so sorry for your loss. My grandma passed away a few years ago from Alzheimer's, and it is so tragic. Her death was bittersweet (hope you know what I mean and that it doesn't sound downright horrible). In some ways, it was like we had already lost her long before it actually happened. But the reality can be very difficult to face. Please take care of yourself.0
-
A car accident really messed me up last year and I had to do several sessions of in and outpatient rehab. The costs were definitely nerve wracking and I'm still not where I was, but the sessions were so rewarding. I believe this opportunity can only do good.Wow everyone, I am so grateful for all of the support. Thank you so much.
One of the issues is I am seeing someone once a week (she specializes in EDs), and she is one of the people who keeps telling me I need a "higher level of care." All of the people I see specialize specifically in EDs, and they are all saying that. While I respect their opinions and I'm sure there's truth to that, I also am frustrated because I feel like at least with the therapy sessions, I'm not even able to get much out of it because so much time is spent being told I need a higher level of care. Not sure if that makes sense, I know I've been rambling a lot lately.
Also, I do think PHP would be very helpful. Don't get me wrong. But I am afraid. I have done PHP before, for bulimia specifically. I've also done residential and IOP. It helped me so much, and I stopped making myself vomit (that was 13 years ago). But it's more than the fact that I'm afraid, or that I feel like a failure or even like I'm regressing. It costs $1,295 PER DAY. PER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they expect I would do that for a month at least, and then transition into IOP for MONTHS which is $985 PER DAY!!! Yes, I have insurance. And yes, it covers a significant portion. But I would still be paying a solid $6,000 out of pocket. I know that is a "good deal" given the daily costs, but it's still a HUGE sum of money. Did I mention I am a full-time student working three internships, one of which is paid $15/hour and the rest are free? So I'm really struggling mentally with this. This is my chance, and I don't want to blow it. It might be what I really need. I mean, I'm going to need to find a job soon, probably start a family soon, etc. But what if it doesn't help? I guess I just don't have confidence I can kick this. I would have to ask my parents for money, and although I know they'd support me I just feel like I don't want to disappoint them and my life has just been a series of eating disorders and I really don't know life without one.
Wow, I really vented. Thanks for letting me do this, I feel so much better. I'm really glad about this group. I think many of us don't feel we can be this open about BED in day to day lives, so it's awesome to have an outlet.
0 -
Wow everyone, I am so grateful for all of the support. Thank you so much.
One of the issues is I am seeing someone once a week (she specializes in EDs), and she is one of the people who keeps telling me I need a "higher level of care." All of the people I see specialize specifically in EDs, and they are all saying that. While I respect their opinions and I'm sure there's truth to that, I also am frustrated because I feel like at least with the therapy sessions, I'm not even able to get much out of it because so much time is spent being told I need a higher level of care. Not sure if that makes sense, I know I've been rambling a lot lately.
Also, I do think PHP would be very helpful. Don't get me wrong. But I am afraid. I have done PHP before, for bulimia specifically. I've also done residential and IOP. It helped me so much, and I stopped making myself vomit (that was 13 years ago). But it's more than the fact that I'm afraid, or that I feel like a failure or even like I'm regressing. It costs $1,295 PER DAY. PER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they expect I would do that for a month at least, and then transition into IOP for MONTHS which is $985 PER DAY!!! Yes, I have insurance. And yes, it covers a significant portion. But I would still be paying a solid $6,000 out of pocket. I know that is a "good deal" given the daily costs, but it's still a HUGE sum of money. Did I mention I am a full-time student working three internships, one of which is paid $15/hour and the rest are free? So I'm really struggling mentally with this. This is my chance, and I don't want to blow it. It might be what I really need. I mean, I'm going to need to find a job soon, probably start a family soon, etc. But what if it doesn't help? I guess I just don't have confidence I can kick this. I would have to ask my parents for money, and although I know they'd support me I just feel like I don't want to disappoint them and my life has just been a series of eating disorders and I really don't know life without one.
Wow, I really vented. Thanks for letting me do this, I feel so much better. I'm really glad about this group. I think many of us don't feel we can be this open about BED in day to day lives, so it's awesome to have an outlet.
I know the cost seems like a lot right now and can be stressful but you need to look at the long term gain from it. Also consider the long term costs to your health of continuing your life with ED. I know you are functioning NOW with ED but what happens if you start your career and become and the disorder starts to affect your job. Losing that job will cost a whole lot more, financially and mentally. And if you want to start a family it is extremely important to start taking care of your body. Look at myself, my disordered eating and not taking care of my health has definitely had an effect on my ability to get pregnant. You are still young and you CAN beat this and live a long, healthy and happy life. Don't give up on yourself.
As for you question about my coping mechanisms, I have discovered that I have a certain time of day that my binges occur (afternoon time) right now I'm just doing different things to distract myself during that time (coloring, reading, a movie, yoga, nap, music) and I am not aloud to go in the kitchen for any reason during that time. I'm also still not counting calories or carbs, but am staying away from sugar (other than fruit). Sugar is a big big trigger for me and once I start I just keep going. I can't just have one cookie or donut at this time in my life.1 -
Wow everyone, I am so grateful for all of the support. Thank you so much.
One of the issues is I am seeing someone once a week (she specializes in EDs), and she is one of the people who keeps telling me I need a "higher level of care." All of the people I see specialize specifically in EDs, and they are all saying that. While I respect their opinions and I'm sure there's truth to that, I also am frustrated because I feel like at least with the therapy sessions, I'm not even able to get much out of it because so much time is spent being told I need a higher level of care. Not sure if that makes sense, I know I've been rambling a lot lately.
Also, I do think PHP would be very helpful. Don't get me wrong. But I am afraid. I have done PHP before, for bulimia specifically. I've also done residential and IOP. It helped me so much, and I stopped making myself vomit (that was 13 years ago). But it's more than the fact that I'm afraid, or that I feel like a failure or even like I'm regressing. It costs $1,295 PER DAY. PER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they expect I would do that for a month at least, and then transition into IOP for MONTHS which is $985 PER DAY!!! Yes, I have insurance. And yes, it covers a significant portion. But I would still be paying a solid $6,000 out of pocket. I know that is a "good deal" given the daily costs, but it's still a HUGE sum of money. Did I mention I am a full-time student working three internships, one of which is paid $15/hour and the rest are free? So I'm really struggling mentally with this. This is my chance, and I don't want to blow it. It might be what I really need. I mean, I'm going to need to find a job soon, probably start a family soon, etc. But what if it doesn't help? I guess I just don't have confidence I can kick this. I would have to ask my parents for money, and although I know they'd support me I just feel like I don't want to disappoint them and my life has just been a series of eating disorders and I really don't know life without one.
Wow, I really vented. Thanks for letting me do this, I feel so much better. I'm really glad about this group. I think many of us don't feel we can be this open about BED in day to day lives, so it's awesome to have an outlet.
You can not look at what you are going through as a setback, or a failure. You are battling your own brain, this is a real thing, it would be different if you were the one choosing to keep doing this. If you just chose to eat a second portion of food, or chose the second dessert and were able to stop but did not, then yes for a regular person that could be a setback. But sadly those choices are not yours to make, the E.D now decides things like that for you.
As for the money end of it yes $6000 is a lot at one time, but there are ways to raise the money such as crowdsourcing, or asking family which is a hard thing to do, I know I have had to do it myself before. There is always a way, so do not let the cost deter you from moving forward. Also there is always a what if to anything worth doing in life, but you can not let the what if stop you either, that is just fear trying to get in your way. This is a very scary choice you have to make, it is not a decision to make quickly. You would be undertaking a huge commitment, but it could be the best thing you could possibly do for yourself.
You have said that the doctors from both opinions have suggested this level of care for you, and as good as you are doing on your own, have you thought that maybe there is a reason they are suggesting this for you? Now I do not know your life, or your entire story but from what I know of mental health doctors, and from my own sessions, maybe there is a reason they are all suggesting this treatment course for you? Sometimes we think we are on one path and doing well, but someone outside of our daily lives can look in and see maybe we are not doing as well as we think we are. I am proud of seeing your accomplishments, and seeing how well you are doing on your own, I know this whole thing can be scary. Every day is scary, I am scared that the medication I am on will not keep working, and that I will relapse to how I was before, I am scared that no matter what I will never get fully better and back to how I was before. I am scared of the future and what happens next. We are all dealing with being afraid, and as a parent I know there is nothing scarier than when something is wrong with your child.
Story time yay, I have an 18 year old daughter, I got my high school girlfriend pregnant and got married when I was 17. This started my path of depression and starvation to the point i weighed 110 pounds at 5'9 at 17 years old. We were both very young when we had her and it was a challenge and I worked 3 jobs to support them and it was giving me an ulcer and destroying my mental health from dealing with my now ex's cheating, and drug use. Needless to say we got divorced and she got custody and let me into my daughter's life off and on throughout my daughter's early part of her life. My ex had a really really bad childhood and really did the best she could for my daughter and all of her other kids. That is a very different story. Anyway my, when my oldest was in 8th grade she would tell me and everyone else that she was on the honor roll, and her grades were all A's, and since I did not see a report card since she lived with her mom, and her mom told me the same things I believed them, well I come to find out that my daughter had missed so much school that she was about to be expelled, that she was failing almost all of her classes, and all these other things, because of her home life and her mom's lax attitude on school she let her stay home as much as she wanted. Well I was finally let in on this talked to all her teachers and had daily email conversations with them and her school counselor and forced myself into the loop so that we could get her back on track. Things started to get better she got caught up on all her homework and her grades started to improve and she was doing better, until one day I was at work and got a call from her counselor.
The counselor told me that my daughter told her that she was having these dark thoughts, and when she would take a bath she would slide under the water and think about not coming back up. She tried to stay under a little too long and take her own life. Luckily she mentioned to this to the counselor who called me and her mom and because she made these comments to a professional she was taken to the hospital for evaluation. I left work and went there and set with her, and talked with her let the Doctors do their work. After many hours they decided that she needed to be admitted for treatment, we were given a couple options, one was close to my ex's house and kind of a scary place, my sister in law is a mental health professional so I spoke with her about the places they were thinking of sending my daughter, so that is how I knew since she had insider information. The other place was better, safer, and farther away. My ex fought to keep her at the close place, I on the other hand fought harder to get her to the better place because the level of care she would get was much better, I told her I would pay for the out of pocket expenses if any would come up. Granted I am not rich or well off, but for my kids I would do anything I could to help them. So she went for the treatment, and I am happy to say she is 18 and doing so much better now.
The reason I shared that was so you know that no matter what to a parent there is nothing we would not do to help our children. We will also love and support them even when they are at their lowest. As parents our job is to keep our kids safe, no matter how old they are, even now married and in my 30's my parents still look out for me, and if I need something they still try to help. Except recently I asked my dad for $24,500 dollars to buy a Shelby Mustang and he said no! Can you believe that!!!!
Do not let fear make this choice for you. Do not let what if's decide this for you. If there was even the smallest chance this program would help, take it. We are all here to help you, and support you and listen to you and share things. But at the end of the day no matter what is shared, said, celebrated, we are all fighting the same fight, and if one of us can get through this, it gives me and most likely other hope that they too can beat this.
I had not idea this post was going to be so long and I am sorry.3
