Fearing the unknown
conniewilkins56
Posts: 3,391 Member
Yes, I admit that sometimes I am afraid of losing weight!....as much as I want and need to do this for my mental and physical health, I worry about how this is all going to play out....am I going to be the same person or am I going to become a person I don’t know?....I was a comfortable fat person....I had a routine I was used to...I slept a lot and I ate a lot....I was never one to say that I didn’t eat a thing and gained weight....I know I ate....thinking about what I could consume in one 24 hour span makes me sick...will I ever lose the desire to eat to just be eating?...realistically I know I can never eat like that again if I want to lose weight but the thought of sitting down with a few candy bars and a sub sounds pretty good!...I worry about what I am going to look like...I worry if I am going to be able to stay focused and motivated...I am afraid if I do finally lose the weight, I could gain it back like so many others do...I worry a lot about things I have no control over....I am scared that if I don’t finish this journey, I won’t have the desire to do it again...I am afraid of failure...
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I wouldn't be surprised if many of us share at least some of those thoughts on occasion.
My question for you is how afraid of you of today? I presume you have some plans so how much of today is unknown? How much will you change from the start of the day to the finish of the day?
For me the answer is always to focus on today. I don't worry about weight loss today because very little of it will happen. I won't change that much today and while there are unknowns with my plans this evening they are not big unknowns they are things like not knowing the address of where I need to be yet and things like that.
I did experience grief over the change in food habits As more weight has been lost though I realize I am gaining more physical freedom than the food freedom could ever be worth. Also, I am not giving up on having my version of a few candy bars and a sub completely. I am just going to do that kind of thing very rarely now.
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I was where you are before. I used to be afraid if I could really do this. I got an odd set of proof that I can do this.
A few months ago my scale refused to budge for over a week. Out of frustration I decided that I would make it move one way or another and I binged for a day. It made me so sick and yet I still didn’t eat but half of what I used to eat at most. Most of the foods I got used to be things that I would eat nearly daily before I started trying to lose the weight. I found 90% of them to be disgusting and I wondered how I had ever eaten that.
I found this to be the case again during my break, so many foods that I thought I would enjoy, that I thought I would binge, foods that I used to enjoy, well I didn’t. I missed eating properly on days that I didn’t.
I hope that you find your proof without a huge binge. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still have my moments because I do, but I try to focus on other things or I try to fit in a responsible amount of something that I want.
Have you tried allowing in a treat or item that you miss here or there? I found that many foods that I have denied myself fit nicely into my day. Sure some of them have to be modified or done in smaller amounts, but they have been possible.
Hang in there, it’s a rough road, but you can do it.3 -
For some crazy reason, I know I am going to succeed this time but it still scares me to think about the long road ahead and how long it’s going to take me to get there!..i have reached the point in my life where I either lose this weight once and for all or spend the rest of my life unhealthy and watching life pass me by...I have had both knees replaced and the added weight is making my knees hurt a lot more...so I made the decision to finally lose weight...I am determined to do this..
I have had a couple of “ treat “ foods like a small slice of birthday cake and pizza....I haven’t had any candy or cookies...I am afraid as so many times before if I try to eat one cookie or one candy bar, it will be like Pandora’s Box....I won’t be able to stop eating them and one cookie will turn into the entire package...and then I will need milk to go with them and if you have milk you might as well fix a sandwich and get some chips because you already blew it so you might as well eat and start over again in the morning...it’s like the children’s book, If you Give A Mouse A Cookie!...I feel like I am walking on a tight rope...one slip and I will be a goner!...I know as Novus wrote that it is important to focus on today....one day at a time, right?
...when do these feelings stop or do they ever stop?...do you always crave things that you know aren’t good for you?...I am doing really good right now and I feel good about where I am but I think I am hanging on every day...I think this is called “The Honeymoon Phase” where all of this is new and still pretty easy...but I have been here before and I know how difficult it gets when the weight loss slows down and you start feeling like you can’t do it another day...I am so afraid I am going to screw this up!
I can’t say sweets are my downfall because it doesn’t matter what I am eating as long as there is a lot of it....yes, frustration and stress are two reasons I overeat...my husband says when I get on the scales, it sets my mood for the day!...
Some days are worse than others...I want to do this so badly and I am stubborn....maybe being stubborn will help me continue because I do not want to quit what I have started!1 -
Thank you both for your support and advice and for listening....I know my head will be in a better place again in a few days!1
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Please find a way to enjoy the process. Every moment counts. Be present in the moment, plan for the future, and live. Fear is just your thoughts going astray. Correct your thoughts an believe in yourself, you are perfect in every way. Believe it and Be!2
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I think there is a part of really knowing you will succeed that can make the process scarier. It is more unknown. I know what being large is like. I am certainly on a first named basis with failure. Having real and sustainable success will be very unusual.
On the treats that you are not sure how well you can moderate there is a common suggestion that you only bring home an amount you are comfortable eating. I am not sure if that will apply to all the treats you are interested in eating or not.
I always know that I will log it and I will not want to see a foolish expenditure of calories. It hasn't always stopped me so sometimes I just had take the hit and face the log but doing that helped retrain me over time. I am not saying that should or would work for you. Moderating treats can be a really tricky subject. I think when you are comfortably trying something you just have to experiment with what will work for you.1 -
Satisfiedwithbetter wrote: »Please find a way to enjoy the process. Every moment counts. Be present in the moment, plan for the future, and live. Fear is just your thoughts going astray. Correct your thoughts an believe in yourself, you are perfect in every way. Believe it and Be!
Sometimes quick answers are not real answers. We are not robots that can simply adjust programming when there is an issue. Being human sometimes means accepting that a weakness doesn't have to be conquered it just has to be contained. I believe that @conniewilkins56 knows this she is just journaling her thoughts so she doesn't feel alone in them.2 -
So what about what I have said bothers you the most? Learning to enjoy the process? Be present in the moment? Planning for your future? Understanding our fear comes from our thoughts? Learning to correct your thoughts? Learning to love yourself for who you are? The fact that you can learn to accept yourself as perfect in every way, here now and always? Or the fact that by believing in yourself to do something, you can?0
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Maybe it’s like traveling by plane....it’s not something I enjoy but occasionally I have to suck it up and fly if I want to reach my destination!0
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I still don’t like to fly but I can do it if I have to!0
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I apologize, the response was meant for @NovusDies.
@conniewilkins56 It’s ok to have your apprehension. If you can learn to enjoy the process, you will lose your weight, and begin to see how you can keep it off for the rest of your lifetime in an easy and relaxed manner.1 -
Satisfiedwithbetter wrote: »So what about what I have said bothers you the most? Learning to enjoy the process? Be present in the moment? Planning for your future? Understanding our fear comes from our thoughts? Learning to correct your thoughts? Learning to love yourself for who you are? The fact that you can learn to accept yourself as perfect in every way, here now and always? Or the fact that by believing in yourself to do something, you can?
I didn't say anything bothered me. Platitude-eque replies can sometimes come across as quick fixes/dismissals of problems. I wanted you to know that so that perhaps you will try to engage a little more.1 -
conniewilkins56 wrote: »
I can’t say sweets are my downfall because it doesn’t matter what I am eating as long as there is a lot of it....!
I have a trick for this one that has served me well because I’m the same way. I don’t use regular plates (unless I make a salad) instead I use a dessert plate, so that it appears that I’m eating a lot of food. In addition I do little things such as slicing up my apple at lunch, dividing up my 2oz of lunch meat into two sets on my plate. And grapes are awesome because 100g are 62 calories and fill up any space left on those smaller plates. For salads I use regular plates, because after you add everything it looks huge!
It doesn’t sound like it should help, but at least for me it really does.
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conniewilkins56 wrote: »For some crazy reason, I know I am going to succeed this time but it still scares me to think about the long road ahead and how long it’s going to take me to get there!..i have reached the point in my life where I either lose this weight once and for all or spend the rest of my life unhealthy and watching life pass me by...I have had both knees replaced and the added weight is making my knees hurt a lot more...so I made the decision to finally lose weight...I am determined to do this..
I have had a couple of “ treat “ foods like a small slice of birthday cake and pizza....I haven’t had any candy or cookies...I am afraid as so many times before if I try to eat one cookie or one candy bar, it will be like Pandora’s Box....I won’t be able to stop eating them and one cookie will turn into the entire package...and then I will need milk to go with them and if you have milk you might as well fix a sandwich and get some chips because you already blew it so you might as well eat and start over again in the morning...it’s like the children’s book, If you Give A Mouse A Cookie!...I feel like I am walking on a tight rope...one slip and I will be a goner!...I know as Novus wrote that it is important to focus on today....one day at a time, right?
...when do these feelings stop or do they ever stop?...do you always crave things that you know aren’t good for you?...I am doing really good right now and I feel good about where I am but I think I am hanging on every day...I think this is called “The Honeymoon Phase” where all of this is new and still pretty easy...but I have been here before and I know how difficult it gets when the weight loss slows down and you start feeling like you can’t do it another day...I am so afraid I am going to screw this up!
I can’t say sweets are my downfall because it doesn’t matter what I am eating as long as there is a lot of it....yes, frustration and stress are two reasons I overeat...my husband says when I get on the scales, it sets my mood for the day!...
Some days are worse than others...I want to do this so badly and I am stubborn....maybe being stubborn will help me continue because I do not want to quit what I have started!
I will share my story and hopefully some of it will ring true for you.
I developed a love for ice cream some time ago and found that if it was in my house, it was eaten until gone. When I decided it was time to lose weight, I would get rid of all the "bad" foods in my house and just go hard eating nothing but "good" stuff. Of course, what was good varied by what was trendy at that time. At some point the cravings would hit and I'd go out and buy a bunch of "bad" foods and would eat them all and wallow in self pity and shame for a week or two and then start all over again. At some point, I realized that this was a horrible cycle and that I needed to learn to have these foods as treat items, because I knew that for me, giving them up permanently wasn't going to be my solution.
I knew my self-control was bad, so I did initially remove the temptation foods from my home. I stopped thinking of foods in terms of "good" and "bad" and I decided that once or twice a week, if I wanted a treat, I could have it, but I would pick up a single serving of it at the grocer. After a couple of months, I brought home a multi serving container of ice cream, and proceeded to eat the whole thing that night. So I knew I wasn't yet ready to keep it in my house. Back to single servings. I continued to do this every couple months testing the water by bringing home a multi serving container (smaller, not a big tub this allowed me to at least contain the damage), or a few single serving containers at a time. I actually had to do this for a long time (close to 2 years). I was finally able to bring home a tub of ice cream, and eat a single serving and leave the rest.
That's my story on my struggle with beating those compulsions to eat everything after having just one. It wasn't an easy fix, it wasn't just a matter of changing my thinking. I needed to break and build habits, that takes time and it's difficult. So many failures in those two years (not really failures, just stumbles). The key to not screwing things up, is that when you stumble, you get right back to your game plan. We are so much harder on ourselves than we are on each other. If one of you dear friends came to you with these same thoughts and feelings you are describing now, would you have the same expectations for her/him as you do yourself? Would you be kinder and more forgiving?
As for the fear of success, I still struggle with that. To be honest, sometimes I just have to tell myself that where ever I am heading has to be better than where I am now, and that the trials and tribulations along the way will be worth it. The pain of walking through the fire will be worth the fresh air on the other side. Sometimes that helps, but it's difficult because fear can be paralyzing.
I hope something in all this ramble rings true for you.7 -
If you still have weight loss fears or fears about the process, I recommend listening to the following podcasts. Brooke is probably the best I know at helping us control our thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions and results.
https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/5/
https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/152/
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@nutmegoreo thanks for sharing your story. I'm currently struggling with that.. eating all the ice cream or chocolate that I bring in the house and then feeling like a total failure afterwards. I'm going to give your idea a go and see if that helps:).. knowing I "cant " have something makes me go postal so knowing once a week I can have a single serving will hopefully calm that thought process I have.😊3
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kosseychick wrote: »@nutmegoreo thanks for sharing your story. I'm currently struggling with that.. eating all the ice cream or chocolate that I bring in the house and then feeling like a total failure afterwards. I'm going to give your idea a go and see if that helps:).. knowing I "cant " have something makes me go postal so knowing once a week I can have a single serving will hopefully calm that thought process I have.😊
Let me know how it goes! Accepting that I could have some took away a lot of the draw it had for me. That ongoing beating myself up for failing at something I really had set up to fail was so demoralizing.
(I hope you don't mind the hug, that was from me. I know some people find the virtual hugs creepy.)3 -
Satisfiedwithbetter wrote: »If you still have weight loss fears or fears about the process, I recommend listening to the following podcasts. Brooke is probably the best I know at helping us control our thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions and results.
https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/5/
https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/152/
I'll take a look at this at some point, but in my experience, controlling my thoughts wasn't the problem. For me, the problem was thinking my thoughts were wrong or that they needed to be controlled. For me, it was about learning to accept my thoughts and recognize them as human and therefor fallible, learning to question the validity of them, learning to sit with painful thoughts and feelings and just feel them without judgment. Not an easy task by any stretch, but it's become easier over time. By doing so, those negative emotions and thoughts have much less influence over me.3 -
conniewilkins56 wrote: »Yes, I admit that sometimes I am afraid of losing weight!....as much as I want and need to do this for my mental and physical health, I worry about how this is all going to play out....am I going to be the same person or am I going to become a person I don’t know?....I was a comfortable fat person....I had a routine I was used to...I slept a lot and I ate a lot....I was never one to say that I didn’t eat a thing and gained weight....I know I ate....thinking about what I could consume in one 24 hour span makes me sick...will I ever lose the desire to eat to just be eating?...realistically I know I can never eat like that again if I want to lose weight but the thought of sitting down with a few candy bars and a sub sounds pretty good!...I worry about what I am going to look like...I worry if I am going to be able to stay focused and motivated...I am afraid if I do finally lose the weight, I could gain it back like so many others do...I worry a lot about things I have no control over....I am scared that if I don’t finish this journey, I won’t have the desire to do it again...I am afraid of failure...
I really wanted to respond to this post. It really resonated with me because I lost the weight after feeling just like you. I lost about 108 pounds originally (right now I'm up from holidays). For a while I think I became a different person. Everything was just so new. I wasn't mean or nasty or anything I just was a bit different. Learning to eat different and to finally start moving because I could. It was new to me. My lifestyle changed because I had to fit in exercise and I quit eating for entertainment. I could buy clothes in regular stores. That took time to adjust to. I kept thinking someone would tell me I didn't belong there. It's been a couple years now and I feel like I'm back to being me. Just a smaller version. I'm still terrified of gaining the weight back tho. I'm still working on learning how to deal with boredom or depression. In fact I really went through a time of being depressed this summer for a couple months. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Finally a friend said to me "you lost weight thinking everything would change and be better and it didn't". Now normally that might have made me angry but since I was shocked at her observation thankfully I didn't really respond. I took some time to think about it. There's some truth in it. I'm older and have been married forever so I'm not looking for a partner or anything so I wasn't feeling depressed about that. People have adjusted to me at my new size. The ooo's and awww's are done and now I'm just normal. There's been a bit of a letdown. Having said all that what has changed is that I am more comfortable in a group setting. I stopped worrying about how much space I took up. I stopped feeling everyone was watching what I was eating. I eat healthier without thinking about it as much. As long as I keep logging I am not as tempted as I used to be. Could I fall back into bad habits? Absolutely. But coming here and sharing with others and hearing other people's journeys all help. You WILL do it. I have faith in you maybe because you remind me of me. Hang in there take it one day at a time and accept that you won't be perfect. But you will figure it out.
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Thank you for your observations and comments....I was in a bad frame of mind a few weeks ago and I had a “ poor me,horrible binge day”....I got back on track and I am more motivated than ever to lose these extra pounds....i am taking it one hour at a time for now and getting on with what I need to be doing...the support from MFP friends is amazing....when I lost over 100 pounds years ago, I thought everyone that was thin never had a rotten day!....very naive’ but it is the mindset we get in our heads!....everyday is a challenge and another day to move forward....thanks again!4
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I worry about becoming an arrogant *kitten*.3
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I have had a bad relationship with food my whole adult life. It is tough to control the urges. In the past and even some this time I would purge my house of all of the "bad foods" and then ask/tell my wife not to bring any of those foods into the house. If a box of cookies showed up I would get mad at her for buying them while I was eating them. It wasnt her fault, I was definitely projecting. I know what you mean when you say it is tough to eat just one, or a single serving of anything. The only way I have been semi able to control it is like @NovusDies says, to plan for it. If you want something figure out a plan to have some of it. I love takeout pizza, I will figure out how many calories are in a slice, and eat a set amount. I keep dove dark chocolate around for when I get a sweet craving. That is something sweet I have learned how to control my portions with and still be satisfied. What frustrates me personally is how emotional food and eating is. I consider myself a logical calculating person except when it comes to food. Coming to terms with that has helped some, but I still struggle.
As far as the fear of the unknown, I dont think I fear being smaller or losing weight. I fear failing at it again. It is easy to just keep the status quo, eat whatever I want and be the happy fat guy. I have perfected that role. That is one of the reasons now I havent told alot of people I am trying to lose weight. When they ask I will deflect the question or make a joke.3 -
I definitely fear losing my motivation and gaining the weight back... it happened to me before. I'm going to do my best not to let it happen again.3
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I definitely fear losing my motivation and gaining the weight back... it happened to me before. I'm going to do my best not to let it happen again.
I can totally relate. As far back as I can remember, I have always carried a lot of excess weight. I can still remember the first time I consciously wanted to lose weight, I was around 25 years old. I ultimately lost about half of my goal, and then just lost my way. The process was just a lot of work, and the results weren’t instant, I was young, plenty of time, and, and.... In the numerous efforts I made to lose weight, the only result I can say I was successful at was ultimately gaining more than I loss. The closest I ever got to my goal was about 100 lbs from my goal, and I felt like a million dollars at the time, I was running 20 minutes and walking 40 minutes 5 times a week, and then I came down with plantar fasciitis, long story.. and then slowly I put it all back and some. I basically quit. Another tremendous effort I had was CICO. I ended up losing around 100 lbs, I end up having gall bladder attacks, gall bladder removal, long story.. and then slowly I put it all back and some. Life has thrown me plenty of curveballs over the years, and I can honestly say none of the diets I have tried in the past or present worked, not because the diets didn’t help me lose weight, but because I always felt deprived or hungry or lacking, or unsuccessful, or something happens. I always lost weight on anything I tried, but I always gained it back, and more, “after quitting.” What’s the definition of insanity again.
Lately, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out a way to deal with life’s curveballs vs the actual process of losing weight. Instead of being worried about the food, or the exercise, or the ..., I am just focusing on living my life in a more realistic and sustainable way, and being grateful for what life offers me along the way, rather than attempting an all out futile sprint to the finish as I have attempted in the past.
Since starting my latest journey, I have learned that my thoughts and emotions present the biggest challenge to my success. Without the ability to understand them and control how I react to them I would be lost again and again. And still may be... I have learned that overwhelm and perfectionism are very formidable thoughts that I suffer from and constantly work to either just experience them, control them or even correct them to be more positive.
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@Satisfiedwithbetter Yeah, gall bladder issues are what did me in as well. I lost 110 lbs and was super active -- running 5k+ and commuting to work by bike every day. Keeled over in the worst pain of my life at the end of a ride and wound up in a hospital. That really put me off exercise and things fell apart from there.1
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I've never have and would never admit to this to anyone IRL. It'd start a feminist war amongst my friends who'd declare a man to never be the reason to do/not to do something
I'm scared of my husband not wanting to be with me when I get to a normal weight. There's no rational reason for it, we've been together 22 years with me big and small, through many tough times, he's my best friend and I know he lives for making me happy. He's not perfect but he has a good go at it most days.
I wonder if it would be easier if I knew what I'd be like at a normal weight after being obese or above for 18 years. I'm not letting it be a reason for me to stop losing weight but it is in the back of my mind. Crazy eh?
ETA - Just re-read this and wanted to say I don't mean any of this from a physical point of view. I mean how will I be mentally, at a normal weight. I don't think my actual size would be an issue as we'd have been divorced years ago if it was, more me as a person.2 -
wannabeskinnycat wrote: »I've never have and would never admit to this to anyone IRL. It'd start a feminist war amongst my friends who'd declare a man to never be the reason to do/not to do something
I'm scared of my husband not wanting to be with me when I get to a normal weight. There's no rational reason for it, we've been together 22 years with me big and small, through many tough times, he's my best friend and I know he lives for making me happy. He's not perfect but he has a good go at it most days.
I wonder if it would be easier if I knew what I'd be like at a normal weight after being obese or above for 18 years. I'm not letting it be a reason for me to stop losing weight but it is in the back of my mind. Crazy eh?
ETA - Just re-read this and wanted to say I don't mean any of this from a physical point of view. I mean how will I be mentally, at a normal weight. I don't think my actual size would be an issue as we'd have been divorced years ago if it was, more me as a person.
I don't think it is crazy. I think we have all known people who have gotten fit that have become insufferable humans to be around anymore. I think that person was always in there though.
I have concerns my wife may not always enjoy new active me so much. I figure I may have to find some new friends to help carry the burden of my desire to make up for lost time when she wants to be home curled up on the couch.
I think the only thing to be concerned about is that you don't allow that fear to grow and somehow make returning to previous habits more easily justifiable.2 -
Yes, I know there's a skinny girl in me and she is a nice person
It's going from too long chilling on the sofa with chips & dips to what time does the gym close. Ideally, I'd like him to be with me but I can't expect it.
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This is a great thread, thank you for starting it, @conniewilkins56 .
One of the reasons I like this thread is that I don't like it!
There are stories, struggles, strategies, hopes, and fears that tell of things in my heart; some long gone, some deeply buried and some passionately trying to surface.
This line (posted by @cheryldumais) made my heart skip a beat: Finally a friend said to me "you lost weight thinking everything would change and be better and it didn't". Yup, that's me at this particular moment.4 -
Love this thread! I got so much out of all your replies and I don't know where to start replying. My biggest fear is never being able to eat foods I like again so when I do purchase chocolate (my favorite) I have to eat all of what I buy and telling myself I have to eat it all right now so I can start fresh again tomorrow. I know I can fit chocolate in my plan but I guess I'm not at a place
Where I can buy stuff and have it last. Also, when upset or stressed, etc I will go to the store and buy my big bag of chocolate, because at that moment I don't care what I'm eating. Thanks for reading me rambling on! Lol Maybe deep inside me it is a fear of getting too skinny and being a different person?2
