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Hi there! I'm 23 years old, and have been dealing with bouts of bulimia and/or restrictive eating for almost...10 years now. I have been relatively* stable for the last 2 or 3 years after I finally sought help from my doctor. I have always had issues surrounding food, and MFP has become a way I can try to be healthy about what I am doing. At the same time I have to balance it so it doesn't become another control mechanism for my food. I eat all my calories and aim work out around 5x a week doing various things I enjoy - not just things to do because they are exercise. It's amazing to me that so many people deal with problems like these, and I'm glad there are people on here that are willing to talk about them - people in our lives aren't always as enthusiastic about recognizing problems like these.
I wish all of you well, and I look forward to chatting with you!
*= I do well for months at a time then have a single relapse0 -
Hello. I am 31 years old and from Norway. I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was 19, mainly anorexia. I have a lot of other mental issues as well because of it. I was self harming for quite some time untill my therapist made me stop most of my life threathening behavior. I dont think I would be alive if not.
Since 2003 I have been hospitalized for over 2,5 years. Some acute and some stays up to a year. I have also lived in other institutions for a few years. Since 2006 I have had my own appartment where I have staff that comes to see me every day, their office is in another floor. I have still had some hospital stays while I have lived here, but its not been that often.
I do have control over my ED now and I am eating a lot more than I used to. But medication and stress have made me gain weight that I am now working on loosing. My plan is not to loose control again.
A part from that I am in uni studying to become a clinical psychologist,
Both health care and university is free here and I get money to pay for bills and all of that. So I am not complaining.0 -
I'm Kristen, I'm 20 and live in the United States. I'm too nervous to go to a doctor or admit my disordered eating to any health specialist for fear of failing at recovery. I've had disordered eating my whole life. Growing up I was very overweight due to my binge eating disorder and after a tragedy and the stress that came along with it my disordered eating switched suddenly to heavily restricting with an on and off of binging/purging or overexercising. I used to self-harm but stopped in early 2006. Now being older I resort to drugs as a form of self-harming.
I have been attempting self-recovery and dabbled into it more than a handful of times. I usually hold out strong until a single moment and I'm triggered to my old habits. I have been contemplating different clinics to assist me in this tough process but fear failure after gaining weight after attempting to gain multiple times. This failure has been triggering towards jump starting weight loss thus leaving me without weight gain.
I'm extremely active on another eating disorder forum for the members, solely. The site itself is extremely triggering and would enjoy reading some success stories instead of pity parties. It's encouraging to read all of your brave stories and to push through this difficult process. I've learned that having the right type of support will encourage me towards certain behaviors and I'm hoping this support will provide me with the strength I need to increase my caloric intake and balance a healthy gym routine.
You all seem lovely
XOXO0 -
Hey! I'm Becca and I live in Boston with my new husband and our two gigantic orange cats. I have been struggling with food and weight since I can remember. Up until I was 16 I was overweight, then lost about 40 pounds using Weight Watchers. However, my restricting and heavy exercise definitely started around senior year of high school...but also coincided with when I began massive binges in the middle of the night. When I was 19, I was diagnosed with full blown bulimia/purging disorder. I was eating around 300 calories a day, purging twice, and exercising at full capacity for at least an hour a day. I was also drinking extremely heavily and was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.I began treatment and was in "recovery" for a long time. I maintained the same weight for about 5 years, then last summer gained 10 lbs when my metabolism cut me off. I joined MFP and realized I was only eating 600-800 calories a day. Since then, I have worked up to 1200 calories/day and stopped weighing myself.
I am finally in a good place, physically. I work out 5-6 times a week, but do tons of strength training and worry less about cardio. I have put on a lot of muscle, and lost fat, but probably weigh about the same as I did a year ago.
I was married 2 weeks ago, and the pressure of being the bride and everyone looking at me was really hard. I was able to stick to my plan throughout the process, but definitely felt my demons popping up every so often.
I love MFP, and try to support everyone as much as I can...but I have a hard time being friends with some people that are still actively in their ED and not seeking medical attention. I am happy to cheer everyone on, but can definitely feel triggered by people eating with negative net calories, and the such.0 -
Hi
I', Lyd and i'm 21 years old. I've always been on the larger size and turned to food for comfort. In 2009, while in my first year of uni, this turned into bulimia with anorexic tendentsies. I've been to 20weeks of councilling about a year ago, helped but didn't cure. I'm not waiting for CBT.
I eat mostly vegan and have recently started running (me and my bf want to run the Brighton half marathon in Feb). I jioned MFP to try and get a grip on my cals - as i can easily eat over 3000 in a day!! I still am rather all over the place but i don't purge much anymore and i am getting more regular with the way i eat, hopefully...
I'm glad i've found this community
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Hi! I'm Danielle and I live in Boston. I am 25 years old and am obsessed food with running. I live my life calculating exercise and meals from one event to the next. I am constantly stressed and anxious; and even worse, lifeless. I have recently realized that I have had disordered eating since high school. The problem is that I am a naturally petite person, so people do not generally notice if I lose (or gain, which is rare) any pounds since I am so small to begin with. My ED has been the worst this past year (2011), where I drastically changed my behavior in the following ways: avoid social situations, run/exercise excessively, count calories obsessively, became vegetarian (1.5 years) and now vegan (6months), refuse to drink alcohol and fear any situation that involves the thought of uncontrolled food/drink portions, i.e. eating out. A year ago I would restrict calories to around 900-1000 per day; 6 months ago I restricted to 700-800 and currently I restrict to a maximum of 600 (net of all exercise). I have never in my life been able to or thought about binging or purging (I consider this quite astonishing, but the concept never crosses my mind and I could not purge if I tried).
Surprisingly, my vegan diet makes me quite happy. I feel so clean about my eating and never ate many processed foods/sweets to begin with. I enjoy researching vegan recipes and creating my own meals. I feel good about the food I do eat, only it is not nearly enough to be healthy. My problem revolves solely around control. I am a natural control freak and use food as my vice. I cannot stand the thought of being out of control for one second. I am the happiest when I can count and log my food and exercise, but if I can't I become a monster. I lash out at people and become mean. I just do not see a time when I could possibly give up this control. For example, I was formerly using Livestrong.com to log.track everything since January and slipped during the month of September due to SO MANY unavoidable social events. I was so angry all the time and hated everyday. I blamed Livestrong and decided to regroup in October by re-activating MFP account (I have had it since last fall). I refuse to log in to LS ever again because I know it will make me want to restrict even more.
Of course I have the constant mood swings, barely sleep, and plan my days solely around food/exercise. I don't really want help because I don't want to give up control. I just want to be happy.0 -
dlhoward5 I'm vegan too!
Altough the last few weeks i have began to relax this slightly as i have become very low on iron and B120 -
Hey I'm Lily. I struggle with ana, mia, and general disordered eating in highschool. I lost 40lbs the summer before freshman year through starvation and excessive exercise and I struggled to maintain that new body for years with starving, restricting, binging, and purgeing. When I dropped out, I finally recovered (oh, how many times I thought I had recovered during all of it. It seemed like always a thing of the past). I threw out my scale, I refused to count calories or measure my intake/output in any other way. I put on a little weight because of this, and a little more because of the birth control I was on, but I was determined to love my body no matter what. I was still healthy. Then my mom got sick and I put on a lot of weight. And she died and I put on even more. I felt I didn't deserve to feel beautiful. I can no longer justify these extra pounds, but this time I'm trying to do everything the healthy way. I'm a bit obsessed with weightloss, but mfp has really helped. The rules it gives me helps keep me from setting ridiculous goals for myself. I'm constantly on the app on my droid or finding thinspo online, but I'm not starving and I'm putting back in a lot of what I work off.
I just wanna let you girls know that I've been there, I'm here for you, and I've also been on the other side. When I was thin I thought I was fat, when I was fat I convinced myself that I looked good. You never truly recover, but you can put that thought process in the back of your mind and eventually learn to ignore it most of the time.0 -
We welcome..but guess wht??Even when you are in recovery you are in control. They might tell you how many calories you need but you are in control of what you eat. The mood swings are because your body isnt getting what it needs. Just somthing to think about.Hi! I'm Danielle and I live in Boston. I am 25 years old and am obsessed food with running. I live my life calculating exercise and meals from one event to the next. I am constantly stressed and anxious; and even worse, lifeless. I have recently realized that I have had disordered eating since high school. The problem is that I am a naturally petite person, so people do not generally notice if I lose (or gain, which is rare) any pounds since I am so small to begin with. My ED has been the worst this past year (2011), where I drastically changed my behavior in the following ways: avoid social situations, run/exercise excessively, count calories obsessively, became vegetarian (1.5 years) and now vegan (6months), refuse to drink alcohol and fear any situation that involves the thought of uncontrolled food/drink portions, i.e. eating out. A year ago I would restrict calories to around 900-1000 per day; 6 months ago I restricted to 700-800 and currently I restrict to a maximum of 600 (net of all exercise). I have never in my life been able to or thought about binging or purging (I consider this quite astonishing, but the concept never crosses my mind and I could not purge if I tried).
Surprisingly, my vegan diet makes me quite happy. I feel so clean about my eating and never ate many processed foods/sweets to begin with. I enjoy researching vegan recipes and creating my own meals. I feel good about the food I do eat, only it is not nearly enough to be healthy. My problem revolves solely around control. I am a natural control freak and use food as my vice. I cannot stand the thought of being out of control for one second. I am the happiest when I can count and log my food and exercise, but if I can't I become a monster. I lash out at people and become mean. I just do not see a time when I could possibly give up this control. For example, I was formerly using Livestrong.com to log.track everything since January and slipped during the month of September due to SO MANY unavoidable social events. I was so angry all the time and hated everyday. I blamed Livestrong and decided to regroup in October by re-activating MFP account (I have had it since last fall). I refuse to log in to LS ever again because I know it will make me want to restrict even more.
Of course I have the constant mood swings, barely sleep, and plan my days solely around food/exercise. I don't really want help because I don't want to give up control. I just want to be happy.0 -
My name is Julia and I live in Toronto. I'm 16 years old. I've been struggling for around a year with this. Only one person knows, and he's been nothing but supportive, which I'm extremely thankful for. He doesn't bring it up, nor does he try to force me to eat when I just can't. I'm glad I found this group because its made me realize that I'm not alone in this. Feel free to add me or send me a message whenever you want 0
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Hi im stephanie, and i really really just need some advice on how to help myself. i want to do sports but i cant let go of ana... i joined because i like knowing that im not the only one, and neither of my friends i told understand.
i also joined because i thought maybe teaming up on ana is better than fighting alone
i like hearing people's stories, so i hope people in this group post often! (but i have to admit, i have a hard time reading long ones)0 -
My story: I have struggled with eating disorders since I was 20 years old - that's almost 15 years. For the first 6-7 years it was Anorexia and at my lowest I weighed 100lbs. I began experimenting with laxatives and became bulimic to (try to) maintain my weight in between 140-160lbs for a few more years. When I was 31, I entered inpatient and outpatient treatment for Bulimia as I was struggling with significant distress - Clinical Depression and Social Anxiety Disorder. When I was inpatient I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but I do question that a bit... I eliminated purging behaviours in treatment but continued to binge eat which would bring me to my current diagnosis Binge Eating Disorder (BED). I have gained 200lbs as a result of my binge eating in the past 5 years. My entire adult life has been the "all or nothing" approach and one thing that can be said for sure is starvation, binge/purging, laxatives DO NOT WORK. It destroys every piece of who you are and takes over your entire life.
This is my first real shot at true recovery ("normalized eating") despite all of the "attempts" in the past few years (which typically involved a never ending cycle of heavy restricting and binge eating). I am done. I can't do it anymore. This is no way to live! I have been in recovery for only 6 weeks so far but it has felt like a lifetime already. We are supposed to feel better but it is a constant struggle between the "don't eat" or the "you've failed, you may as well keep eating more" or "how can I get rid of it". I have hope it will get better though so long as I stick to my treatment plan (for real this time)!
Let's help keep each other motivated and accountable Thanks for reading! 0 -
Meg, I really feel for you, I've struggled with the "B" disorder for 20 years, I recently had 2 kids ages 2 1/2 and 1 I went from a size 14 kids to a size 16 adults because of the pregnancies. I have a hard time dieting because of fear of binging I fight the urge all the time, I can't look in the mirror or the urge comes crashing in, thank God I have willpower. I have a tendency to escalate diets, hoping this website will keep me in line.
My new problem is that I justify eating fatty, fast food, my gained weight etc. because I don't want to be bulimic again. its a cop out. I hate my brain.0 -
Oh i'm 44 years old.. You'd think i'd know better by now.0
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Hi, I am Ali I am 26 and I live in the states
I have been on MFP for almost a year...
I have had problems with Disordered Eating since I was 11.... That was the first time that I made myself throw up. I have been in and out of IP for the last 7 years. Right now I am out and in "recovery". I go to therapy once a week right now. Sometimes as many times at 3 times a week depending on what they thing.
Today I reached my GW... decided to loose 3 more lbs.
I am tired of just surviving, I want to live life.0 -
Hello, everyone. I recovered from EDNOS several years ago.
I wish all of you well in your recoveries! Though it's been years since my recovery, I still struggle with diet and exercise issues on a daily basis.
I am going to get out of the obsession though, and have started a "no tracking allowed" challenge for myself to try to practice intuitive eating instead of dieting.0 -
hi i am 21 years old and although i havent been diagnosed with an eating disorder i'm concerned i'm slipping into one. because of recent events i've lost the desire to eat. i know i have to eat something to survive so i'll eat tops 700 calories a day, i'm scared that this will slip into something serious so i decided to reach out for help. i'm hoping that i can pull myself out of this mess and begin eating healthy again.0
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I don't really know if I fit here or not, but I'm reading along, so I guess it's only fair that I introduce myself. I'm 36 (going to be 37 in a few weeks). I'm 5'8", and as of this morning, I weighed 113.4, so my BMI is a little over 17, which is a bit underweight. Just over a year ago, I weighed over 100 pounds more, and was obese. I was diagnosed with food allergies last year and totally changed my diet. Cutting out my allergens and severely reducing my calorie intake led to the weight loss, and since reaching about 120, I've been trying to maintain, but I don't want to eat too much. At this point, my goal is to eat about 1400 a day and my hope is that I can maintain my weight on that, but so far, I seem to keep losing.0
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This is what I posted five months ago and it explains my situation before. I am on Prozac now since 5 months - this is when I finally admitted I have BN, and it has dramatically bettered my position although, I would say I am in remission now, I am still who I am. A person with tendencies toward the extreme in life. One good thing is, since I am better, I have not gained a pound being healthy. I'm a healthy weight and I eat around $ 2,000 cal per day - give or take depending on the work out. The longer I can stay b & p free the stronger I seem to get, but I need to stil consider, I have a very fragile side to me which needs care.
"I (...)
I was diagnosed with Anorexia nervosa and Bulimia nervosa (binge and purge) at the age of 14 (now I am 39). I would consider myself now mostly symptom free but it is still in my head and sometimes I still have to give in to the pressure which renders me sometimes depressed for days. One cause is definitely stress, I can feel getting nervous. And then the pressure builds up slowly and after fighting against it, I have to give in after 3-5 days. And you know what, it's mainly ok for me. Because that is who I am.
I have done everything you can do to get rid of it/deal with it: I was in the hospital (psychosomatic unit) in my mid 20s for about 6 months and then for the next 5 years I did 3 times a week a psychoanalysis with an MD and psychiatric. I have refused to take any pills and will continue to do so (so I can’t tell you about this). I did OA, too but found that to be worse than not doing anything because it depressed me even more (I think at times I suffer from mild depression which is all related to BN) and this is definitely a trigger for BN.
Having had an ED for well over 20 years and for the main part of my life I have come to realize: this is who I am. That doesn't mean I am lazy about it, it is hard work and determination which helped me in the long run – because I want to live a life! I understand that new studies (Europe) indicate: If you have an ED 15 years or longer, you can't get rid of it - so learn to live with it. In my case I strongly feel it is mainly genetic (my entire family has been having issues, all of them including me are thin) and very little environmental (now that I'm no longer modeling age ). However, now that I have a daughter I have started to get worried a little, I fight even harder and try to break the cycle. Long story short. The following is not a cure but these things have helped me tremendously (and the 5 year psychoanalysis) in being symptom free for 3 month at a time (not all the time) over the past 10 years and I speak from experience (but don't take what works for me for you. Your case may be totally different and other things may help you) So this is not a recommendation but only my personal guideline and it does help me some but not always but it is a work in progress:
- I never skip meals even if I am not hungry containing of breakfast - snack - lunch - snack and dinner (and I don't really count the calories).
- I nurture myself through food and try not to destroy it: I eat mainly clean and what one would consider healthy, but I have a sweet tooth, too. Since I work out a lot (my other addiction), I eat high protein, high complex carbs, fruits and veggies, salads. Continuously eating protein throughout the day helped me cut back my pressure and I actually lose weight if I am symptom free.
- I try to be not too hard on myself, but I am a very demanding person which I try to accept.
- take it with some humor.
- I brush my teeth in the evening at 10 p.m. which helped me not to eat at night.
- I work out on a regular basis (maybe too intense for a healthy person, but it helps).
- I have (finally) a good relationship with a wonderful husband who helps me out of my deeps (although I never talk about BN because most don’t understand).
- I don't talk about ED any more with anyone (drags me down).
- Occasionally, I search the internet for new studies and helpful information.
- Nobody is perfect and it is ok.
- I get massages twice a month – my treat it relaxes me.
- take the dog for a walk.
- hug the dog and smell her neck - she calms me down in a second
- I try to find the middle. I am an all or nothing very extreme person. I try to reflect (if I can) and not get hyper excited because I know a low will follow soon.
not sure if it helps me/doesn’t help me:
- MFP - I love it, but it is sometimes driving me crazy because I OCD about it.
- boost your confidence: I think it is a myth that BN stems from a bad self image or low self esteem (at least in my case).
-scary info about BN: your teeth rot, your espophagus will tear because of all the acid, you will die from a low weight, etc. I sure have to say my teeth aren’t the best but they weren’t either before I had BN, plus I am still alive after all those years (on a health weight BMI 20). My grandmother lived an extremely healthy life being anorexic. She died at 92 with only weighing 80 pounds at the time of her death (but she weighed more during her lifetime) (height 1.74 m – approximately 5’8 ½ and maybe 100 pounds or so). I try to not read those scare tactics because it does not help me (but maybe it helps you).
- dog and baby are jealous of each other and wear me out over it, that is a (new before unknown) risk for me. This is what I have to work on nowadays.
-more therapy. I think it helped me to live with it but it did not cure me.
What I still do:
- I hide/try to hide setbacks but I have found talking about it does not make it better for me.
- I think I’m in this alone as it is myself and my personal reasons for BN and truthfully, I think now there are a lot out there.
I am a BN person all my life, it is in my head and thoughts almost every day. I know I can’t be cured, but I fight every day! That’s why I put my this here today, I sure hope it helps someone else a little bit.
About my daughter I try to accept: this is genetic, you either have it or you don’t. So I don’t go crazy. If she’s healthy, great, if not, we deal with it down the road. She's my daugther, she's a fighter she'll live!
Thanks for listening to my story! "0 -
I'm Monica aka Catshark lol,anyway, I've never been diagnosed with anything other than depression and BPD in my 20's. I was always very naturally underweight until my mid 20's....I ballooned up to 150lbs ( very big for my frame). I decided to lose my beer gut last year but I went a bit too far and now even though I logically know I need to gain weight, I can't bring myself to and I restrict myself a lot. I also work out a bit too much and I obsess over how much I eat. I keep thinking that if I eat something "bad" that I'll instantly gain weight. I'm trying to not think that way but......
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