Jokes to keep you laughing
Replies
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent.'0 -
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!
Don't you just love lawyers?0 -
Adults only NUDE SANTA
Careful .....
Scroll down to see the nude Santa
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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !
Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!0 -
My son sent this one to me
BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box
Marie0 -
Love the joke Marie
Here's another one.
Nuclear Powered Flight
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.
One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ****?"
Jeri0 -
Laugh out loud--for real.0
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Great jokes. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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An age old question
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a
satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
bear by Sandydur, on Flickr
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
bear2 by Sandydur, on Flickr
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make theBEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
bear3 by Sandydur, on Flickr
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'0 -
ROFL. Just love it Sandy.0
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My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year.
I couldn't believe it, the first time ever... after all these years.
I never thought he'd be willing to share his' guy time' with me
and being the thoughtful man that he is, he even gave me an
opening day present. He calls it “The First Timers Lucky Hat.”'
I'm so fortunate to be married to him. I have attached a picture
of me in my lucky hat, and we can hardly wait until "opening day!"
ATT00034 by Sandydur, on Flickr0 -
I am getting my shares of laughs this week.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
since chicken was mention in one here is another one
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...0 -
Marie....................:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Little Charlie and his friend Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Charlie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Charlie bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Charles, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Charlie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in it nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Charlie instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed. Charlie has put so much thought into this.
"Well Charles, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Charlie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little *kitten* is adorable…0 -
Old couple sitting in a church ...lady leans forward to whisper to her husband ...dear...i just did a silent fart ...what shall i do ?
Gent leans foward and replies .....Change the batteries in your hearing aids dear ..
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
And they say Seniors have no sense of humor!!0 -
Merry Christmas To My Female Friends
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
The matron-est of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
deer by judz46, on Flickr0 -
Merry Christmas To My Female Friends
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
The matron-est of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
deer by judz46, on Flickr0 -
Sorry Judz46...clicked in the wrong place ...love your Message to all your female friends ...0
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Me too Judy, that was just great!!
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
Has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: thanks Jupiter :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Wrapping Presents with a Cat
Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
Open door and remove cat from closet.
Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . .
Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
Remove present from bag.
Remove cat from bag.
Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
Place present on paper.
Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
Put present in box, and tie down with string.
Remove string, open box and remove cat.
Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.
Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)
Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.
Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
Go to store and buy a gift bag0 -
Lol @ Jupiter Mermaids Attorney gaffs!!0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Phoebe good one0
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Phoebe, it sounds like you've been interacting with my cats!!!! LOL0
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If Noah Built an Ark in 2011
And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.
"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Good one Marie and so true!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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:laugh: :laugh: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
Oh Sandy 0
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