Jokes to keep you laughing
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:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: Ha ha Judy. Do you think our kids know we are telling these kind of jpkes An enjoying them
Here is mine for today
Daddy, How was Born
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?".
The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.....we sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered neither one of us had used a firewall. And since it was too late to hit the delete button...
Nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said...YOU GOT MALE
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> A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
>
> He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
>
> Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to
> the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
>
> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
>
> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
>
> Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk
> some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
>
> "Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait..."
>
> "Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best."
> "I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is
> the Southern Redneck."
>
> Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really
> be discussing all of this with you....I don't even know your name."
>
> "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."0 -
ScrewyChars-61878870
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For my friends on the other side of the pond!!
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little *kitten*.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer �100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, �200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
> ____________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Why are you late?
> STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
> ____________________________________
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
> __________________________________________
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
> (I Love this child)
> ____________________________________________
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
> __________________________________
> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
> WINNIE: Me!
> __________________________________________
> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> _______________________________________
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
> MILLIE: I is..
> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
> MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
> ________________________________
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
> but also admitted it.
> Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
> LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
> ______________________________________
> TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
> ______________________________
> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
> Did you copy his?
> CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
>
> (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
> ___________________________________
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
> are no longer interested?
> HAROLD: A teacher
> __________________________________
>
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.0 -
Dear God,
My prayer for 2012 is for
A fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!0 -
I am a horrible joke teller (ask my husband) so maybe if I type it, I can get it right. This one came from our banker.
The banker saw his old friend, Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a young bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom Assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be 21 in November.
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woma could not be satisfied by an eighty-yr. old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a young hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would start looking for one right away.
About 4 months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Great - she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his wise advice had worked out, continued, " And how's the new hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
( Don't ever underestimate the old guys.)0 -
Jake and Jettie so funny..................:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
The Deaf Wife
Problem
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as
well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing
aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the
family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The
Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform
to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's
what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in
a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to
30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That
evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
den.He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's
see what happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?'
No
response.
So the
husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still
no response.
Next he
moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and
asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again
he gets no response.
So, he
walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?'
Again
there is no response.
So he
walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'For God's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time,
CHICKEN!0 -
:laugh: :laugh: Love it!0
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:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
A good one Sandy0 -
Not really a joke, but some good information.
A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression "going bananas" is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on:
Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting.
After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia : High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. InThailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood Enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the
protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.
It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe it's time to change that well-known phrase so that we say,
"A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS
PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth.
Amazing fruit !!!0 -
Woman's *kitten* Size study
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their *kitten* ... The results were pretty
interesting.
30% of women think their *kitten* is too fat.
10% of women think their *kitten* is too skinny.
The remaining 60% say they don't care...
They love him, he's a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world...0 -
Cruise Special
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies,"They didn't last year...."0 -
Lawyer Hater
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are *kitten*!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back."
The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an *kitten*."0 -
A reality check
A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said: "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child." "So what do you think about that, Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older Redneck friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said: "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied: "My point exactly."0 -
This is the last one i promise
Blind Man In Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"0 -
Thanks for the laughs Marie.....I needed them.
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A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: "What are you doing"?
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine".
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And her, what is she doing"?
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails".
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man"?
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir".
The trooper asks: "And her, .... what's her age"?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."0 -
Letter to a men's helpline... Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket??0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Jake and Barbie, thank you for making me laugh, I needed that! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Love all the jokes. :laugh: :laugh:0
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SMART A**:
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old guy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid0 -
Frenchma on Trial!!
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when
He found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot
Her instead of her lover, he replied,
"Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a
Different man every week?"
Marie0 -
Deaf Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have
to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him
again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
Marie0 -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Last one ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feline Physics
Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
posted by bigthoughts about 1 day ago .0 -
I found one more~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Talking Clock
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ....
"You *kitten*! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Marie0 -
An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'
'Who said my father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas rancher, and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'
'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'0 -
:bigsmile: :bigsmile: cute Karen:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:0
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Fabric Softener
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory.
We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Marie0 -
cute. I haven't heard that one.0
This discussion has been closed.