Jokes to keep you laughing
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Woman's *kitten* Size study
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their *kitten* ... The results were pretty
interesting.
30% of women think their *kitten* is too fat.
10% of women think their *kitten* is too skinny.
The remaining 60% say they don't care...
They love him, he's a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world...0 -
Cruise Special
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies,"They didn't last year...."0 -
Lawyer Hater
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are *kitten*!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back."
The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an *kitten*."0 -
A reality check
A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said: "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child." "So what do you think about that, Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older Redneck friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said: "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied: "My point exactly."0 -
This is the last one i promise
Blind Man In Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"0 -
Thanks for the laughs Marie.....I needed them.
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A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: "What are you doing"?
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine".
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And her, what is she doing"?
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails".
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man"?
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir".
The trooper asks: "And her, .... what's her age"?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."0 -
Letter to a men's helpline... Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket??0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Jake and Barbie, thank you for making me laugh, I needed that! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Love all the jokes. :laugh: :laugh:0
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SMART A**:
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old guy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid0 -
Frenchma on Trial!!
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when
He found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot
Her instead of her lover, he replied,
"Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a
Different man every week?"
Marie0 -
Deaf Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have
to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him
again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
Marie0 -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Last one ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feline Physics
Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
posted by bigthoughts about 1 day ago .0 -
I found one more~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Talking Clock
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ....
"You *kitten*! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Marie0 -
An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'
'Who said my father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas rancher, and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'
'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'0 -
:bigsmile: :bigsmile: cute Karen:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:0
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Fabric Softener
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory.
We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Marie0 -
cute. I haven't heard that one.0
