Jokes to keep you laughing
Replies
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Good one Judy!!0
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After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.0 -
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.
Description: cid:2.2564908647@web162202.mail.bf1.yahoo.com
'Did you say that?' he hissed
at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.'0 -
By the way, all of you keep me laughing, thanks0
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Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, ‘I’ll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.’
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, ‘What’s your condition?’
Phil answered, ‘Tell me your wish in just three words.’
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, ‘Clean my house.’0 -
In a Hospital, a gentleman had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been
occupied..
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if
you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA ,
PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was
sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA
button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his
underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large
powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring
flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was
more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be
supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a
hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I
remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis is under your pillow.."
MEN NEVER LISTEN!
Sorry Jake [:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:]0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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How cute..even the cat is laughing.:laugh:0 -
A Hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off,
revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.
There follows a tense minute of silence.
Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I tinka my wife caught a glimpse0 -
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."0 -
A WOMEN'S PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”0 -
love the jokes....we all need a smile so please keep them coming!!
Judy from New Zealand0 -
The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long w alks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!0 -
The Veterinarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found
a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno "0 -
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
********************
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I LOVE IT!)
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say
"You don't look that old."
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
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When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!0 -
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Sandy, that is soooo funny.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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The Girlfriends' Dinner
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Oceanview
restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the
cute boy in Social Studies lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was
good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went
late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant
had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for
cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.
10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was
handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because they had never been there before.0 -
THANKS :laugh: LMAO0
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Why Condoms come in boxes of 3, 6 and 12
_______________________________________
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March0 -
Sandy,
I'm thinking that the same guy plows snow here! He usually removes our mailbox at least 3 times a season. He's pretty upset this year though, the lack of snow and warm weather have severely cut into his winter bonus from selling all those dented mailboxes back to their owners.
Thanks for the chuckle.0 -
On Vacation
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
When she passed them,she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it.
"Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"
"Father,it's me, Sister Veronica."0 -
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: These jokes get funnier and funnier :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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SENIOR WEDDING
Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89,are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do.."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use YOUR store as our Bridal Registry."0 -
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"0 -
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."0
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