Jokes to keep you laughing
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Love that one Jeri!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
This isn't a joke but words of wisdom for us golden sneakers!!
As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.. And I eventually remember the important things..
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore..
I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here,
I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it). (JUST MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH CALORIES AND DON'T OVERDO....I added this sorry)
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!0 -
Two Golfers
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew that
hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with
the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on
the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't", he responded.
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."0 -
MARIE!! :blushing: :blushing: :blushing: :blushing: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Yeah Sandy that even made me laught clear down to my Holeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sock.
Marie0 -
Oh Marie :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Marie, Jake had to grab for his nitro he laughed so hard :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Judy, very true and very funny :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
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From NZ0 -
THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down.
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Well Done.
Have a glass of Wine.
Enjoy!!!!!!!0 -
:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: Ha ha Judy. Do you think our kids know we are telling these kind of jpkes An enjoying them
Here is mine for today
Daddy, How was Born
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?".
The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.....we sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered neither one of us had used a firewall. And since it was too late to hit the delete button...
Nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said...YOU GOT MALE
.0 -
> A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
>
> He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
>
> Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to
> the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
>
> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
>
> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
>
> Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk
> some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
>
> "Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait..."
>
> "Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best."
> "I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is
> the Southern Redneck."
>
> Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really
> be discussing all of this with you....I don't even know your name."
>
> "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."0 -
ScrewyChars-61878870
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For my friends on the other side of the pond!!
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little *kitten*.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer �100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, �200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
> ____________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Why are you late?
> STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
> ____________________________________
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
> __________________________________________
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
> (I Love this child)
> ____________________________________________
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
> __________________________________
> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
> WINNIE: Me!
> __________________________________________
> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> _______________________________________
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
> MILLIE: I is..
> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
> MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
> ________________________________
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
> but also admitted it.
> Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
> LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
> ______________________________________
> TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
> ______________________________
> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
> Did you copy his?
> CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
>
> (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
> ___________________________________
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
> are no longer interested?
> HAROLD: A teacher
> __________________________________
>
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.0 -
Dear God,
My prayer for 2012 is for
A fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!0 -
I am a horrible joke teller (ask my husband) so maybe if I type it, I can get it right. This one came from our banker.
The banker saw his old friend, Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a young bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom Assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be 21 in November.
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woma could not be satisfied by an eighty-yr. old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a young hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would start looking for one right away.
About 4 months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Great - she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his wise advice had worked out, continued, " And how's the new hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
( Don't ever underestimate the old guys.)0 -
Jake and Jettie so funny..................:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
The Deaf Wife
Problem
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as
well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing
aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the
family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The
Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform
to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's
what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in
a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to
30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That
evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
den.He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's
see what happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?'
No
response.
So the
husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still
no response.
Next he
moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and
asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again
he gets no response.
So, he
walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?'
Again
there is no response.
So he
walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'For God's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time,
CHICKEN!0 -
:laugh: :laugh: Love it!0
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:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
A good one Sandy0 -
Not really a joke, but some good information.
A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression "going bananas" is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on:
Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting.
After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia : High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. InThailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood Enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the
protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.
It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe it's time to change that well-known phrase so that we say,
"A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS
PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth.
Amazing fruit !!!0
