Sexual Chemistry...
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know other people who have had this problem and i never quite understood it because it doesnt need to be a problem. you should be able to communicate your sexual needs to your partner, if you cant then maybe you're not mature enough to be having sex in the first place
You dont understand sexual incompatibility then. Or you're happy to do 'anything'? One or the other?
Sexual compatibility isnt a case of good or bad sex. it's about 2 people wanting different things that are NOT compatible. For example a man who doesn't like/want/enjoy pain with a women who enjoys shoving a *kitten* up his *kitten* and whipping him and making him clean the toilet with a tooth brush! Or a man that gets off on calling his wife a slut/ *kitten* and to suck on this while he shoves her throat down on his ****!!! While she would rather be called beautiful and be treated like a lady?
Or like Shellee said, a guy that's into 3some's and you dont want to share your sex life. In fact I dated a guy that was married to a woman who would ONLY have sex with him if he was part of a 3 some. This not only broke down his marraige but rendered him impotent!
You girls that think this kind of sexual deviant can be 'overcome' in a 'loving' relatinship, are wrong! It can't! Sexual deviants dont get off on 'normal' sex! :flowerforyou:
Sorry to be graphic, but I'm getting the impression that some of you in here think that sex is restricted to one on one love making. No offence but there's a LOT of people that want/desire/need much more than this from their partner. It's not even a disrespect thing, it's just what turns them on!
no need to be condescending
and isnt that to type of lifestyle stuff that you know about before you have sex with someone? maybe i dont understand sexual incompatibility because i TALK about sexual expectations before i have sex with someone. i've always believed that communication was queen, but i generally accept that many women can't talk about sexual issues with their partners after they've been having sex much less before.
I wasnt being condencending at all. I was trying to explain something that I dont think you've experienced, otherwise you would never have said 'you're not mature enough to be having sex'!!!!0 -
and as far as the "you girls" comment goes, umm you dont even know me, so please dont try and pretend you do, mmmkay?
whatever!! :huh:
And actually, I was just trying to HELP you and Janie and any other woman that has not experienced a guy like this!!! Talking beforehand isn't how it happens. They build up slowly to it............but anyhow...........whatever, I'm not here to argue with anyone :flowerforyou:0 -
Probably TMI here but might as well be real about things.
I like giving a lady oral,it is my favorite thing and want her to enjoy it and climax from it.
99% of all ladies tend to feel the same way from experience and observation.
Guess what,I am a guy and like to receive too.
50% or less ladies seem to be agreeable to it.
Where does that leave us?
Count me in that 50%.
Seems pretty negligible to receive and not to reciprocate.
Plus it's FUN!
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and isnt that type of lifestyle stuff that you know about before you have sex with someone? maybe i dont understand sexual incompatibility because i TALK about sexual expectations before i have sex with someone. i've always believed that communication was queen, but i generally accept that many women can't talk about sexual issues with their partners after they've been having sex much less before.
As far as my ex... yeah, we talked about sex.. we had sex and we lived together for 2 years before we got married. Apparently he was trying to "change" but after awhile decided he wanted what he wanted. I was married for 4 years and had 2 kids before I knew his true kinky-self. I tried to do everything possible to make him happy, but as Anna stated... sometimes these people (men and women) are just wired differently and NEED that to make them happy. By the way.. this was just one of his lesser desires... don't even get me going on him wanting to have sex with other men. It was just disturbing to me. Also, I just want to say that I hold marriage as an extremely high covenant between a man and a woman. I never got married intending to get divorced if it didn't work out. This is why I stayed for over 10 years. Sometimes two people are just not compatible.... whatsoever.0 -
I'm in the even smaller faction that enjoys (borderline obsesses about) giving but isn't so keen on receiving.Probably TMI here but might as well be real about things.
I like giving a lady oral,it is my favorite thing and want her to enjoy it and climax from it.
99% of all ladies tend to feel the same way from experience and observation.
Guess what,I am a guy and like to receive too.
50% or less ladies seem to be agreeable to it.
Where does that leave us?
Count me in that 50%.
Seems pretty negligible to receive and not to reciprocate.
Plus it's FUN!0 -
Count me in that 50%.
Seems pretty negligible to receive and not to reciprocate.
Plus it's FUN!
I loved reading all this honesty :laugh: Count me in to that 50% as well...:bigsmile: I've been well trained by an ex, haha! I do think it's a shame that anyone would expect to receive and not give back. Reciprocation should be expected. BUT, that's the point of this thread, right? I am looking for someone who wants to please me as much as I want to please them. I had an ex who was always in it for himself! He finished first, and I ended up taking care of myself most times until I could challenge him by saying I didn't think he COULD help me finish, then suddenly it was a challenge he had to win. I learned that sometimes there can be chemistry but if the other person is selfish, i'm going to spend all my time pleasing them then myself... TOO MUCH WORK!0 -
know other people who have had this problem and i never quite understood it because it doesnt need to be a problem. you should be able to communicate your sexual needs to your partner, if you cant then maybe you're not mature enough to be having sex in the first place
You dont understand sexual incompatibility then. Or you're happy to do 'anything'? One or the other?
Sexual compatibility isnt a case of good or bad sex. it's about 2 people wanting different things that are NOT compatible. For example a man who doesn't like/want/enjoy pain with a women who enjoys shoving a *kitten* up his *kitten* and whipping him and making him clean the toilet with a tooth brush! Or a man that gets off on calling his wife a slut/ *kitten* and to suck on this while he shoves her throat down on his ****!!! While she would rather be called beautiful and be treated like a lady?
Or like Shellee said, a guy that's into 3some's and you dont want to share your sex life. In fact I dated a guy that was married to a woman who would ONLY have sex with him if he was part of a 3 some. This not only broke down his marraige but rendered him impotent!
You girls that think this kind of sexual deviant can be 'overcome' in a 'loving' relatinship, are wrong! It can't! Sexual deviants dont get off on 'normal' sex! :flowerforyou:
Sorry to be graphic, but I'm getting the impression that some of you in here think that sex is restricted to one on one love making. No offence but there's a LOT of people that want/desire/need much more than this from their partner. It's not even a disrespect thing, it's just what turns them on!
Totally agree.
Those that think, just because you have a penis and vagina and like each other that you are going to be compatiable are totally wrong!
Different strokes for different folks.. No pun intended.. maybe a little.0 -
I'm in the even smaller faction that enjoys (borderline obsesses about) giving but isn't so keen on receiving.Probably TMI here but might as well be real about things.
I like giving a lady oral,it is my favorite thing and want her to enjoy it and climax from it.
99% of all ladies tend to feel the same way from experience and observation.
Guess what,I am a guy and like to receive too.
50% or less ladies seem to be agreeable to it.
Where does that leave us?
Count me in that 50%.
Seems pretty negligible to receive and not to reciprocate.
Plus it's FUN!
You don't like receiving? Hmm...we need to find you someone who will change your mind...0 -
I respectfully disagree. I believe that you *should* hold out for awhile, especially if you're seeing someone that you're genuinely interested in and would like to develop a meaningful relationship with. What is wrong with determining if you're compatible as people as well as emotionally before taking that next step? Why should there be so much importance on determining sexual compatibility first? And how much does that rushed sexual compatibility count towards determining ultimate compatibility when you're strangers - both acting on sexual impulses and nothing else?The mentality of not giving it up on the first date because then he won't "respect" you is created by people with an abstinence only education personality and for some reason a bunch of people have given in to it.
And no, I'm not of the abstinence only mindset, just a slightly more conservative one than what seems to be the norm now.
This is exactly how I feel. I am not an abstinence supporter generally speaking, but I am a supporter of waiting for sex until you actually have feelings for each other - and not feelings of lust you get after the first few dates, but real true genuine feelings.
Honestly, I think it is rare for a man to truly respect you if you're having sex on the first couple of dates. Doesn't matter how many of you say it's not true, I completely believe that if you have sex too early, it sets a negative tone on the relationship - a tone that focuses on sex rather than feelings. Sex might be important to some people's relationships but it is not the most important thing. And I think when you have sex too early, you say it is when it in fact isn't the most important thing, or shouldn't be the most important thing.
My problem with this is what page is the other person on. I have known men that literally have a "3 date" rule, meaning that if they haven't gotten sex by the third date, then they lose interest.
And this guy is a dbag. Be glad you didn't stick around with him.Is it because you don't like sex?
Is it because you pride yourself in having as few partners as possible?
Is it because you fear you're going to be emotionally involved as soon as you have sex with someone, despite your own desires?
Do you think men, at the end of the "deed", will laugh at you and run away?
I genuinely don't understand.
For me, it is that sex is special and not something to be had with everyone like some people think. I would want a deep connection with someone before I became vulnerable in front of them in that way. I am a rarity, I realize, but I'd rather be single than be with a dbag who pressures me for sex.So... What's wrong (again) with pleasure (and pleasant sex, I would assume if you're still seeing him in a month)? Are you trying to live the most displeasing life you can?
Sex, to me, is something more important than just getting off. It fosters the connection that you have with your partner.
Sex comes with feelings for a lot of people, even if everyone says they can have no-strings-attached sex. I don't know anybody who has successfully had sex with someone without developing feelings. Maybe some people can genuinely have sex like that, but I highly doubt it.0 -
I'm in the even smaller faction that enjoys (borderline obsesses about) giving but isn't so keen on receiving.Probably TMI here but might as well be real about things.
I like giving a lady oral,it is my favorite thing and want her to enjoy it and climax from it.
99% of all ladies tend to feel the same way from experience and observation.
Guess what,I am a guy and like to receive too.
50% or less ladies seem to be agreeable to it.
Where does that leave us?
Count me in that 50%.
Seems pretty negligible to receive and not to reciprocate.
Plus it's FUN!
You don't like receiving? Hmm...we need to find you someone who will change your mind...
Agreed! Nothing better than a skilled man... :bigsmile:0 -
I find that most people don't indulge in experimenting and aren't "in -tune" with their own bodies. When you don't know what you like for yourself, how can you please someone else? It's been in my experience, that the men I have been intimate with are like "rabbits". Very immature in their ways and don't know how to please another woman. Anyone can "go down there". But to have technique, it's all about listening to body language, putting emotions behind actions, taking the time to engage (erotically).
I took the time to explore my body....know what I like and dislike. Time, and patience go a LONG way.
Plus, sex is supposed to be fun....have an open mind.
And not everyone is going to "click" together .....
And giving and receiving SHOULD be equal. Foreplay is the best part of being intimate.
This is just my opinion......0 -
I'm in the even smaller faction that enjoys (borderline obsesses about) giving but isn't so keen on receiving.Probably TMI here but might as well be real about things.
I like giving a lady oral,it is my favorite thing and want her to enjoy it and climax from it.
99% of all ladies tend to feel the same way from experience and observation.
Guess what,I am a guy and like to receive too.
50% or less ladies seem to be agreeable to it.
Where does that leave us?
Count me in that 50%.
Seems pretty negligible to receive and not to reciprocate.
Plus it's FUN!
You don't like receiving? Hmm...we need to find you someone who will change your mind...
:smokin:
:laugh: :laugh:0 -
You girls that think this kind of sexual deviant can be 'overcome' in a 'loving' relatinship, are wrong! It can't! Sexual deviants dont get off on 'normal' sex! :flowerforyou:
Sorry to be graphic, but I'm getting the impression that some of you in here think that sex is restricted to one on one love making. No offence but there's a LOT of people that want/desire/need much more than this from their partner. It's not even a disrespect thing, it's just what turns them on!
It doesn't even have to be sexual deviancy. Let's just take the case of a man who masturbates to porn, leaving his wife feeling cheated on and inadequate (many women are ok with this, but go with me here). Or the woman who gets greater pleasure from her toys than from her husband, leaving him feeling like less than a man and unfulfilled in their relationship. What is a solution that will work for both? That solution has to be based on mutual respect and love AND a value of the relationship. The ideal is for the partner who wants change to respectfully work with the partner who is resistant to change to make the change valuable to him/her. Sex has a huge mental aspect.
For example, it would be hard to argue with most women that a man can do for her what a rabbit can. But the change in her husbands attitude and their relationship in general when she sets aside the intensity of that tool for his touch makes it worthwhile and people have discovered more meaningful. Or maybe he's affected by age. If he can let go of that resentment, and use available tools to "take her away" he'll find that he's still the focus of her sexual experience.
I hope this is making sense. I didn't make this stuff up, lol.
Cases like Shellee's make me cry because often times the more adventurous partner throws it on the less adventurous: "well if you would JUST accommodate my desire we'd have a great marriage!" No. The truth is, if you valued honored and respected your less adventurous spouse you would have a great marriage.
Seeing your spouse packed in a cardboard box (silly example) might "do it" for you but when you truly care about your spouse and value the relationship, your concern for their hurt and respect for their feelings take precedence while you seek a solution that is mutually beneficial to all. There are right and wrong ways to introduce kink into a marriage that wasn't founded with that understanding. It's really about trust and respect. It's too bad that people aren't more honest about what they like.
Going with the silly example, maybe your spouse lived in a cardboard box for 2 months and it's just not sexy. But a guy at work talked about his girl in a box, and the thought "did something" for you. You can't think about anything else and tell your partner. "If you loved me, you'd get in the box and satisfy me." Uh NO. If you loved ME you'd work with me on this and hopefully I'll eventually get in the box and maybe we'll have to come up with something new that excites both of us. If you secretly harbored a "cardboard box" fetish the 5 years we were dating, and now only told me about it because we're married, I'm stuck with you, and "you have to love me like I am" well, then that's your fault for lying to me about who you were all those years.
To Anna: Your examples are vivid and valid. What concerns me is that partners in the few situations like this I've seen in real life elevate the sexual response above all in the relationship, forgetting that the relationship is a give and take and that the "non adventurous" spouse is a very real person with real feelings and opinions that are just as valid. Seems like (excepting mental instability) when partners feel loved/respected, they are more willing to be accommodating. I've seen a woman who generally wants to be cherished like a lady enjoy taking on a dirtier role for the sake of pleasing her husband because he made the effort to build the relationship in ways that were meaningful to her (spending more time with her, talking more with her) which made her less resentful. It switched from having to indulge him to wanting to please him. It switched from him dogging her out constantly (which ate away at her self esteem because she didn't realize he was doing it to get in the mood) to him nurturing her so she could see the role play as a game and not a personal attack.
To Shellee: girl, I'm SO sorry that happened to you in your marriage! Have you read "Love Must Be Tough"? It includes a situation like yours.0 -
What people have said, and this is my view too, sex is AS important AS any other aspect of a relationship. So, sex is important to some people's relationship, and it will be to your relationships too.Sex might be important to some people's relationships but it is not the most important thing.
And I think when you have sex too early, you say it is when it in fact isn't the most important thing, or shouldn't be the most important thing.
Simple way to prove this is right: would you stay with someone if they said to you "We will never ever have sex together (except to procreate)". Answer is: no.
Sex is one of the pillars of a relationship. ONE of the pillarS, not THE pillar, but not a less important pillar either.
You could accept to stay with a person for a while without sex (or any other pillar of a relationship), but it wouldn't be a fulfilling relationship (or one of the people in the relationship will always be frustrated because they would concede too much).
Now, of course, you do not need the MOST amazing sex to be in a relationship. But you don't need to be with the MOST caring person, the MOST intelligent person either, just enough of everything to satisfy your various needs, and more in the areas you prefer.
I can speak for myself here, and tell you that this isn't true for me. But I might be a rarity too, I don't know... I can have sex on the first couple of dates, and still fall in love later on. I can also have sex, and not fall in love if we are not emotionally compatible, if there is no connection beyond an initial lust.Honestly, I think it is rare for a man to truly respect you if you're having sex on the first couple of dates.
Doesn't matter how many of you say it's not true, I completely believe that if you have sex too early, it sets a negative tone on the relationship - a tone that focuses on sex rather than feelings.
Sex is only a part of these relationships (as it should be in any relationship anyway). It just happened earlier in these relationships than in some other relationships. But we could still talk about other topics and develop feelings for each other after DTD.
Sex represented 10% (for argument's sake) of these relationships, but we just lived the relationship fully from day 1 instead of waiting a month to experience these last 10%.
It's of course up to the partners to do it as early as they see fit.
Yep, be aware that this can change with time and experience though. I'm not saying that you will have sex with everyone though...For me, it is that sex is special and not something to be had with everyone like some people think. I would want a deep connection with someone before I became vulnerable in front of them in that way.
I think men can have sex without feelings a lot more than women can by default. I don't think sex without orgasm for women fosters that connection too much though. I also believe women can train their mind to have sex without creating that connection (sex then doesn't become so special).Sex, to me, is something more important than just getting off. It fosters the connection that you have with your partner.
Sex comes with feelings for a lot of people, even if everyone says they can have no-strings-attached sex. I don't know anybody who has successfully had sex with someone without developing feelings. Maybe some people can genuinely have sex like that, but I highly doubt it.
There are lots of reasons (anatomical in particular: hymen, penetration, physically weaker, pressure from society) why sex is a lot more special (and scary) for women than it is for men though, so they have probably to fight harder for this to happen...
At the end of the day, I still don't believe in "love at first sight".So if a girl was waiting too much for sex, I would move on...
There are enough women on this planet who have got the personal qualities for which I am looking, so I'll put myself back out there and look for other opportunities rather than wait too much - because there are other women out there with who I could create the same connection (which takes time) if I was looking for them (without taking that "bet on sex"), because nobody is really that special (even though everyone is unique).0 -
Well, arguably I'd assume someone takes pleasure to talk to someone and get to know them emotionally... Or are you waiting Winter for that too?
It's Autumn. Sure it's getting a bit nippy outside, but why gather food for the Winter when that's so much work, and takes time? Why wait to have fun, like that boring old Ant? Relax, Mr Grasshopper, enjoy! Find you a Ms. Grasshopper asap and go get busy! Carpe diem!So... Why wait? Why limit your pleasure in life basically... I'm sure people who wait do this for a reason, just don't know why.
Also, you can have sex and build an emotional relationship at the same time. That's actually what I normally do these days.
My point was that waiting to have sex can lead to longer term benefits for women, especially when some men would view women who sleep with them immediately as short term sex interests, but not long term mate possibilities.
Of course, there are many assumptions here. If the woman's plan is to just have fun short term, go for it. And some men, to their credit, do not have a problem forging a long term relationship with a woman they sleep with on the first date. Etc., etc.
So many variables here! But it's not an exaggeration to say that many men would be less willing to consider a woman long-term relationship material if she "gives it up" immediately. And yes, I completely accept how hypocritical this is, when the man is obviously "giving it up" immediately, as well.0 -
Sex, to me, is something more important than just getting off. It fosters the connection that you have with your partner.
Sex comes with feelings for a lot of people, even if everyone says they can have no-strings-attached sex. I don't know anybody who has successfully had sex with someone without developing feelings. Maybe some people can genuinely have sex like that, but I highly doubt it.
This is very well said, and I agree 100%. Sex changes things considerably for me. And I think that's a good thing. It should be something serious, it shouldn't be just a way to get off. Or, rather, when you are serious about forming a long-term relationship, you need to make sure you are ready, emotionally, before having sex.
Sex is great, it's healthy, it's natural, it's fun. Go for it! I'm no prude, believe me. But I don't want to have sex with a woman in the beginning when I think the relationship can develop into something quite serious. Sure, if it's just about having some short term fun, and we're both honest to each other about that, go to bed immediately. Why not?
Also, the sex is 10x better when you have strong feelings for the person. Otherwise, as was noted, you are just "getting off." That's fine, but seems like a poor substitute for a much better experience.
--Prahasaurus0 -
What people have said, and this is my view too, sex is AS important AS any other aspect of a relationship. So, sex is important to some people's relationship, and it will be to your relationships too.
I think it's helpful to look at sex as something that is AS important as other emotional needs, but not necessarily THE main emotional need to everyone. Some people have other needs that are more important to them than sex. Maybe not the people in this group, lol, but I know plenty of people (mostly women, admittedly) who are happy without sex. I'm sure they'd really enjoy a committed relationship that involves lots of hot sex (wouldn't we all??), but it's just not a priority for these ladies. I have one friend who suffered trauma in college, and her man knows there will be no sex with her. They're happy. I know another woman who is actually glad her hubby is starting to slow down. Sex isn't her #1 thing, but she knows it's HIS #1 priority and keeps herself in good shape to meet that need.
Depends on the situation. If I am actually single 30 years for now, I'm pretty sure I'd say YES as long as other emotional needs are met (conversation, recreational time/fun adventures, etc) because I think as I approach 70 I'll probably care more about companionship than sex. Now, those ladies I mentioned above? If a great guy asked them to get married with no sex, I bet they'd all say sure. If that same great guy asked them to get married with no conversation, or no non-sexual affection (hugs, kisses, etc) I'd bet he'd get a resounding NO.Simple way to prove this is right: would you stay with someone if they said to you "We will never ever have sex together (except to procreate)". Answer is: no.
OP hope you don't mind this total threadjack, lol0 -
I think age plays a role here, at least for me. 20 years ago I would be arguing for women to go to bed immediately. :-) Now, however, I've learned that the things I want from a long term relationship are many and varied, and sex is just one component. It's not even the most important component for a successful, long-term relationship ("long-term" is the key word there). Great sex can mask underlying problems that will eventually come to the fore.
Hell, I'm 45, recently divorced. I still go out with women in their 20's. It's not that I'm feeling old. But I have no desire to form another long term bond unless I'm fairly confident it will work out. And for that, good sex is probably 7 or 8 on the list for me.
But now I digress.... ;-) Anyway, time to get back to work.
--Prahasaurus0 -
To Anna: Your examples are vivid and valid. What concerns me is that partners in the few situations like this I've seen in real life elevate the sexual response above all in the relationship, forgetting that the relationship is a give and take and that the "non adventurous" spouse is a very real person with real feelings and opinions that are just as valid. Seems like (excepting mental instability) when partners feel loved/respected, they are more willing to be accommodating. I've seen a woman who generally wants to be cherished like a lady enjoy taking on a dirtier role for the sake of pleasing her husband because he made the effort to build the relationship in ways that were meaningful to her (spending more time with her, talking more with her) which made her less resentful. It switched from having to indulge him to wanting to please him. It switched from him dogging her out constantly (which ate away at her self esteem because she didn't realize he was doing it to get in the mood) to him nurturing her so she could see the role play as a game and not a personal attack.
To Shellee: girl, I'm SO sorry that happened to you in your marriage! Have you read "Love Must Be Tough"? It includes a situation like yours.
Hey Janie, thanks for your response :flowerforyou:
I totally agree with you about partners working through sex together and overcoming things in perhaps 80% of relationships. (No idea about actual percentages so I'm just guessing here). But I have experienced, and know friends that couldnt carry on with their relationships/marriages because they couldnt find sexual compatibility. Or they lost the compatibility they once had. This was no way indicative of lack of love or respect. Just lack of pleasure in the same thing.
That could be from 'normal' situations where one partner has just lost their libido, and the other partner can't live with that. To perverse situations like I described earlier, where one partner is just not happy to participate no matter how loved or cajoled they feel.
It's a horrible situation when you love someone but you can't bear to indulge their pleasure, simply because its not your pleasure. And when the ONLY pleasure they seek is the ONLY pleasure you avoid, then there is a deadlock of frustration and unhappiness. As much as I agree that sex is not the be all and end all, sex is important in a relationship. And when it becomes a problem, so does the relationship. And all the love in the world can't conquer that. Why? Because it's human nature to 'enjoy' sex. And that's one of the reasons why we have so many people cheating in the world, because they no long enjoy sex with their partner, so they seek alternatives.......but that's another subject...........
Sure, we all want to please our partners, and our partners want to please us, but that is utopia. In reality, things can move in directions that I never thought possible. And I think I'm very broad minded and adventurous but I have a line that I won't/can't cross.
But hey, we can agree to disagree on this, no probs :flowerforyou:0 -
Honestly, I think it is rare for a man to truly respect you if you're having sex on the first couple of dates. Doesn't matter how many of you say it's not true, I completely believe that if you have sex too early, it sets a negative tone on the relationship - a tone that focuses on sex rather than feelings. Sex might be important to some people's relationships but it is not the most important thing. And I think when you have sex too early, you say it is when it in fact isn't the most important thing, or shouldn't be the most important thing.
Something to think about maybe (again,your life and choices so not trying to argue) but to many sex is of equal or more importance then feelings.
I have come to the opinion that a person,male or female that demands their particular desire is what must be met first and then their partners (they really wouldn`t be a partner at this stage) after is probably the one who is going to be the one setting a negative tone.
In short,I would do all I could to meet her wants but if she considers them superior to mine then I would have to rethink the situation.
I refuse to accept that a mans desire for physical intimacy is flawed or not on an equal standing with a ladys desire for emotional intimacy.0
