is this bad?
christine24t
Posts: 6,063 Member
Is it bad to not give a potential date a chance because of who he hangs out with?
My old best friend and I basically had our relationship stall and crash in 2009 because of her boyfriend, who I greatly dislike for a number of reasons. I let her know about it and told her he's bad news and that I didn't support them.
Ever since I've moved back from college, we have been talking a little bit more and we hung out last week. She told me about her boyfriend's friend she knows and hinted that she wanted to set us up. I kind of laughed it off because my dad was right there and I don't talk about this kinda stuff with my family.
She texted me today and asked me to hang out, and I declined because I had to work until eight. She answered back that "it's fine, i'm going to have a bonfire tonight and it's just going to be me and the guy I was telling you about last week. He's really funny and nice and he just graduated college. my boyfriend won't be there until later because he's working."
I am in no position to turn down a possible set-up. But I am hesitating because although he sounds like a great guy, I truly dislike my friend's boyfriend, and if this guy is his friend, to me it speaks of his character that he hangs out with a loser like my friend's boyfriend. Is that wrong? Or should I give it a chance?
My old best friend and I basically had our relationship stall and crash in 2009 because of her boyfriend, who I greatly dislike for a number of reasons. I let her know about it and told her he's bad news and that I didn't support them.
Ever since I've moved back from college, we have been talking a little bit more and we hung out last week. She told me about her boyfriend's friend she knows and hinted that she wanted to set us up. I kind of laughed it off because my dad was right there and I don't talk about this kinda stuff with my family.
She texted me today and asked me to hang out, and I declined because I had to work until eight. She answered back that "it's fine, i'm going to have a bonfire tonight and it's just going to be me and the guy I was telling you about last week. He's really funny and nice and he just graduated college. my boyfriend won't be there until later because he's working."
I am in no position to turn down a possible set-up. But I am hesitating because although he sounds like a great guy, I truly dislike my friend's boyfriend, and if this guy is his friend, to me it speaks of his character that he hangs out with a loser like my friend's boyfriend. Is that wrong? Or should I give it a chance?
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Replies
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Live a little!0
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Normally I think alot of the questions asked on here are stupid, this one is a good one. No there is nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone due to who they hang out with. His friends are important tp him and if you date him, then you are forced to be part of their lives in some way. A person who is not cool that is friends with someone you are dating can make your life rough and cause alot of stress on the relationship. Ive been there before and it was a nightmare. You have to weigh the cons and pros and then make a decision whats best for you.0
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Christine,almost every post you make screams that you are terrified of being with a guy.
I don`t know the answer and don`t want to be insulting but I do think you need to get some real life advice with this.0 -
Christine,almost every post you make screams that you are terrified of being with a guy.
I don`t know the answer and don`t want to be insulting but I do think you need to get some real life advice with this.
I am not terrified with being with a guy. I am just honestly curious if it is bad to not give someone a chance because you dislike his or her friends.
And I can ask my friends but I like asking the people on MFP because you all are objective and don't know the people and the situation, it is like a neutral observer.0 -
Christine,almost every post you make screams that you are terrified of being with a guy.
I don`t know the answer and don`t want to be insulting but I do think you need to get some real life advice with this.
I am not terrified with being with a guy. I am just honestly curious if it is bad to not give someone a chance because you dislike his or her friends.
And I can ask my friends but I like asking the people on MFP because you all are objective and don't know the people and the situation, it is like a neutral observer.
Maybe I am wrong and if so then sorry but it just sounds like another excuse to not give something a chance.
Get to know him as he is and go by that.0 -
Christine,almost every post you make screams that you are terrified of being with a guy.
I don`t know the answer and don`t want to be insulting but I do think you need to get some real life advice with this.
With out sounding insulting.. I second the above.0 -
I would say give it a chance. One date is just that..one date. Or maybe suggest the four of you hanging out so you can get a feel for how he acts around your friend's boyfriend. I try not discount someone without giving himher the benefit of the doubt first but honestly I would say use your intuition and do what is best for you. Good luck
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Everyone has a friend that may be deemed a "loser" maybe or less than desireable but what if this guys loser friend is your friends boyfriend.. He might be stand up guy.0
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Everyone has a friend that may be deemed a "loser" maybe or less than desireable but what if this guys loser friend is your friends boyfriend.. He might be stand up guy.
This is exactly what I was going to say!0 -
Is it bad to not give a potential date a chance because of who he hangs out with?
My old best friend and I basically had our relationship stall and crash in 2009 because of her boyfriend, who I greatly dislike for a number of reasons. I let her know about it and told her he's bad news and that I didn't support them.
2009 was 3 years ago. people change. so what if you still don't like the bf? you may very well like his friend. give him a shot.
*edit. I fail at simple math. >.>0 -
Yeah, give him a chance.
Hating the friend in 2009 might not be the best start, but what's the worst that can happen?
Plus people and their friends tend to be two separate entities.0 -
I know what you mean about someone's friends reflecting their character to some extent, but you never know - this guy might be lovely. We all have 'friends' who we met as children, or at school, or through other mutual friends who we may not like all that much, but keep around for other reasons - sentiment, group dynamics etc. Either way, you get to hang out with your friend, and just maybe meet someone new who could turn out to be a nice guy, and a potential friend even if not a romance. Go enjoy the barbecue!
Sorry, bonfire! (facepalm)0 -
The people you voluntarily love ie your friends say probably more about a person than anything else...so no I think you are right to think twice about this set up. I think there are statistics out there that say a man who is good friends with a man who cheats is more likely to cheat (I'm sure its probably the same for women)..Who has the most influence in your life besides your parents? Your friends! If you truly dislike the bf..I say there are other fish in the pond..plus you are young and pretty...find someone you like take your time there is no rush.0
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I think you should judge people as individuals, not through their family or friends. Afterall, you still like/talk to your girl friend and she's in love with her b/f! Doesn't make HER a bad person does it?
Yes it could be awkward in the future if the 4 of you all hang out together, but that is a a big IF and a BUT.......
This guy could be the love of your life! You will never know unless you suck it and see!!! :flowerforyou:0 -
Live a little!
Yep! You cant go through life throwing curve balls in just for the sake of it. There are enough real and scary obstacles in life. Don't end up old and wondering why you didnt live it and grab every opportunity when it presented itself!0 -
I think you should judge people as individuals, not through their family or friends. Afterall, you still like/talk to your girl friend and she's in love with her b/f! Doesn't make HER a bad person does it?
Yes it could be awkward in the future if the 4 of you all hang out together, but that is a a big IF and a BUT.......
This guy could be the love of your life! You will never know unless you suck it and see!!! :flowerforyou:
This is kind of how I was thinking of it also. Give the guy a chance.0 -
This guy could be the love of your life! You will never know unless you suck it and see!!! :flowerforyou:
Anna!!??:noway:
:laugh:0 -
This guy could be the love of your life! You will never know unless you suck it and see!!! :flowerforyou:
Anna!!??:noway:
metaphorically speaking Carl!! :bigsmile:
Although I realise its quite a provocative metaphor, which is probably why I love it :laugh:0 -
This guy could be the love of your life! You will never know unless you suck it and see!!! :flowerforyou:
Anna!!??:noway:
metaphorically speaking Carl!! :bigsmile:
Although I realise its quite a provocative metaphor, which is probably why I love it :laugh:
After all,she has said she has not even kissed a guy yet.
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What exactly is the reason why you dislike your friends boyfriend? Regardless, they are still together years later so it must work for them. I see nothing wrong with just meeting the dude, I mean c'mon....0
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Is it bad to not give a potential date a chance because of who he hangs out with?
Not at all. We become the people we hang out with. By spending a lot of time with them, we are not just accepting their behavior and their lifestyle, we are condoning them. You are absolutely right to draw conclusions about the character of a person based on the people they consider close friends.
But there are a couple of things I would seriously think about:
1. Are they close friends or merely two people who happen to be in the same social circle? If it's the latter, I'm not sure it matters that much. But if they are really good friends, it would be a red flag for me.
2. What is it about your friend's boyfriend's lifestyle that bothers you? Some things that would affect only him, I could get over. If he's a dirty hippie, if he lives with and mooches off his parents, etc., well, that's not really anything that would ever concern me. But if he's a criminal, if he's abusive to his girlfriend, or anything along those lines, it would be a dealbreaker for me, and I would not date a guy who is close friends with someone like that.0 -
Live a little!
Personally I think you should at least meet him.0 -
I'd hate to think I'd be judged based on my friends. The ones I am around most these days are absolutely nothing like me. The core group of us all grew up together and then the rest sort of came in through one of us.
There's the account who is a comic book geek and poet, the proud irish teacher who takes everything way too seriously, the manufacturer who is a metal head, the chef who is really into Lovecraftian stories, the IT guy who is a pop culture nerd and attention *kitten*, the former sailor who's an alcoholic, and the Debt collector with a monkey fetish who nobody really knows if he's a good christian boy or the devil. Sadly, the one who's my best friend and I am probably most similiar too is the latter. I'm the engineer who dances way too much and likes 80's and early 90's music a bit too much.
About the only thing most of us have in common is we've moslty all known each other for 20+ years.0 -
There's a difference between being weird and being a loser. If you have a job (or are actively looking for one), you follow the law, and you generally treat people well, you can be as weird as you want and I won't think you're a loser.
I have cut ties with people I was friends with all my life because of certain things they did. And I don't mean they started listening to weird music or getting things pierced. I mean they started doing things like molesting children and hitting their mother. To continue hanging out with someone like that absolutely makes my character questionable.0 -
So...you still talk to your friend who chooses to be bf/gf with the guy, but you won't even meet someone who just happens to be friends with him? Kind of a double standard there, if you feel so strongly about it you should not be talking to your friend at all. I mean, if you're friends with someone who's boyfriend is a jerk, what does that say about you?
Carl may be on to something here. You can find something wrong with anybody if you try hard enough, and it seems like you're trying awfully hard. If the only thing wrong with this guy is that his friend is a jerk, that's really not so bad. Unless you'd just rather date a different guy you have nothing in common with just because he has nice friends. To each his own I guess.
p.s. Sorry if I'm being rude, just trying to prove a point.0 -
If you follow your own logic, why are you still friends with your friend? I'm sure she hang outs with her boyfriend. She must be bad news too.0
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To be fair, she did say they stopped being friends over this guy and that they've only recently gotten back in touch.0
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Oh okay, so then she should at least meet the guy, then not talk to him for a while, and then it will be okay.To be fair, she did say they stopped being friends over this guy and that they've only recently gotten back in touch. 0 -
I agree that with those that say give him a chance. Chances are, if you are hanging out with bf more, you will end up seeing him at some point anyway.....if he hangs with them alot.
Either way, now it is Wednesday......so did you go?0 -
She was best friends with this girl before she started dating her loser boyfriend. She stopped being friends with her over the guy. Three years later, when she's home from college, she hangs out with her once. Doesn't sound to me like they're getting BFF tattoos any time soon.0
