is this bad?
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I don't think your observation holds water. My experience is that women who "even hint" that it will require some sort of effort to have sex with her usually have a big **** and it is going to be more than "a little effort."
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As has been stated before sex is as important to men as an emotional connection is to women. Of course you will gravitate towards the women who seem more sexual. That does not mean that sex is the sole purpose of pursuing those women.
I see no contradiction in what we wrote...seems to me you've just explained why I observe that guys go for the girls who look easy. I didn't say these guys all went home with them, but that's who they spend time with and buy drinks for.
And to answer your other question, I would look at easygoing flirty engaging Brother A as the type who would just flirt with me for now and then find someone else next hour, so I would be the person who would probably spend more time trying to draw Brother B out of his shell.0 -
My point of disagreement is your contention that men will gravitate towards women who are obviously easy. I don't know too many women who are obviously easy and wouldn't know how to spot them if they were out there (with rare exception but I avoid the drunk girls doing a strip tease on the bar counter). I also believe you've posted before complaining about a double standard where men won't consider you for a relationship if you're too easy but want sex. I'd venture that most men want companionship and more than meaningless sex (at least most of the time). I don't see how it is that you're observing all these mens gravitating towards the slutty women. I think it is noticeable either because a) it is a man bites dog type of thing so it gets noticed or b) the types of men you hang out with are more sex-fiends than most men, or c) you are hanging out with predominantly a group of guys who consideer you one of the guys but you don't fully understand the male dynamics and posturing that takes place within the group, or d) it confirms your suspicions about men so you notice it as a means to reinforce your belief system.
What I do think men will do is gravitate towards women who are approachable. Approachable may be defined by you as obviously easy - I don't know. I think that most women who are sexually reserved portray that with their interactions with men. They don't trust the motives of men who approach them and suspect it is for sex and sex alone. As a result those women will seem stand offish and little more cold. Given the choice of a flirty, smiley, engaging woman and one who is reserved and less engaging I think it is an easy decision.0 -
I don't think your observation holds water. My experience is that women who "even hint" that it will require some sort of effort to have sex with her usually have a big stick up there *kitten* and it is going to be more than "a little effort." That is unless, you consider climbing Mt. Everest, running a 100-mile race in the Sahara desert and then getting a note from your mom that you have her permission to use your penis every other Tuesday as a "little effort."
Really, really hope I'm misunderstanding this... So, any woman who regards sex as part of a relationship, rather than something casual, and is even faintly upfront about that, is uptight, hysterical, demanding and 'high maintenance'...?!?!?!:noway:
If that's really what you're saying, and that's representative of the views of most men, is it any wonder that those of us who aren't comfortable with sex outside a relationship feel marginalised, and quite frankly, scared that adhering to what makes us comfortable, whether for emotional, moral or religious reasons, is going to be the thing that keeps us single? Is it any wonder Christine, and others, including, to an extent, myself, view potential 'dates' with some skepticism and caution, aware that our sexual reticence (comparatively speaking) is an automatic 'black mark' and cause for rejection/lack of interest.As has been stated before sex is as important to men as an emotional connection is to women. Of course you will gravitate towards the women who seem more sexual. That does not mean that sex is the sole purpose of pursuing those women.
Yet, judging from the first part of your post, 'sexual' essentially has to mean that sex is on the table from the word 'go' - or at least, the woman in question should allow any man to think that it is...
To Christine, I have only this to say: make the most of the opportunities you have now. As you get older, being inexperienced only becomes more of a problem, not less. You're still quite young, and although you (as I) feel that the teenage learning years passed you by, there will be a lot more people in the same boat than you think, ergo not so surprising for the person you're with. Later on, it really does start to feel like a major issue and barrier, so try to overcome your hesitations and insecurities sooner rather than later.:flowerforyou:0 -
I don't think your observation holds water. My experience is that women who "even hint" that it will require some sort of effort to have sex with her usually have a big **** and it is going to be more than "a little effort."
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As has been stated before sex is as important to men as an emotional connection is to women. Of course you will gravitate towards the women who seem more sexual. That does not mean that sex is the sole purpose of pursuing those women.
I see no contradiction in what we wrote...seems to me you've just explained why I observe that guys go for the girls who look easy. I didn't say these guys all went home with them, but that's who they spend time with and buy drinks for.
And to answer your other question, I would look at easygoing flirty engaging Brother A as the type who would just flirt with me for now and then find someone else next hour, so I would be the person who would probably spend more time trying to draw Brother B out of his shell.
I think the point of contention is here,that phrase implies a woman acting like a *kitten* rather then just being outgoing.0 -
My cousin married a serious creep. A friend of hers and mine is married to the creep's now former best friend who is a truly awesome man. I say meet him before judging.Is it bad to not give a potential date a chance because of who he hangs out with?
My old best friend and I basically had our relationship stall and crash in 2009 because of her boyfriend, who I greatly dislike for a number of reasons. I let her know about it and told her he's bad news and that I didn't support them.
Ever since I've moved back from college, we have been talking a little bit more and we hung out last week. She told me about her boyfriend's friend she knows and hinted that she wanted to set us up. I kind of laughed it off because my dad was right there and I don't talk about this kinda stuff with my family.
She texted me today and asked me to hang out, and I declined because I had to work until eight. She answered back that "it's fine, i'm going to have a bonfire tonight and it's just going to be me and the guy I was telling you about last week. He's really funny and nice and he just graduated college. my boyfriend won't be there until later because he's working."
I am in no position to turn down a possible set-up. But I am hesitating because although he sounds like a great guy, I truly dislike my friend's boyfriend, and if this guy is his friend, to me it speaks of his character that he hangs out with a loser like my friend's boyfriend. Is that wrong? Or should I give it a chance?0 -
Re: Castadiva:
You are absolutely misunderstanding it. The context was a sex guage that men supposedly possess. I don't know many (if any) men who have such a guage - especially in a first meeting or by seeing a woman across the room. After a brief conversation, it may be clear that sex is going to take effort, but in all reality the only way that would become clear is if the woman brought it up as part of the intiial conversation or the guy was a total clueless *kitten* that said something like "you're hot, wanna ****?" I was operating under the assumption that it wasn't *kitten* guy. Under the other alternative, what kind of woman brings up sex and commitment on a first encounter? It is someone who has a lot of hang ups about sex and it is going to take a whole lot more than a little effort to have sex with her and even after you do there is likely to be a whole lot of other BS to deal with that make it wise to move on.0 -
You are absolutely misunderstanding it. The context was a sex guage that men supposedly possess. I don't know many (if any) men who have such a guage - especially in a first meeting or by seeing a woman across the room. After a brief conversation, it may be clear that sex is going to take effort, but in all reality the only way that would become clear is if the woman brought it up as part of the intiial conversation or the guy was a total clueless *kitten* that said something like "you're hot, wanna ****?" I was operating under the assumption that it wasn't *kitten* guy. Under the other alternative, what kind of woman brings up sex and commitment on a first encounter? It is someone who has a lot of hang ups about sex and it is going to take a whole lot more than a little effort to have sex with her and even after you do there is likely to be a whole lot of other BS to deal with that make it wise to move on.
Phew! Seems we read the same conversation and understood it entirely differently. It would never occur to me to bring up sex/commitment the first time I met someone (not how we do things in Britain - the 'National Reserve'!), but read the conversation in such a way that it seemed that was what was being discussed/would be expected in a US situation (you guys seem to be a LOT more upfront about things than we are - in fact, the whole 'dating' scene as discussed here seems to be something quite foreign to the average Brit!). Thanks for explaining!0 -
I don't think your observation holds water. My experience is that women who "even hint" that it will require some sort of effort to have sex with her usually have a big **** and it is going to be more than "a little effort."
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As has been stated before sex is as important to men as an emotional connection is to women. Of course you will gravitate towards the women who seem more sexual. That does not mean that sex is the sole purpose of pursuing those women.
I see no contradiction in what we wrote...seems to me you've just explained why I observe that guys go for the girls who look easy. I didn't say these guys all went home with them, but that's who they spend time with and buy drinks for.
And to answer your other question, I would look at easygoing flirty engaging Brother A as the type who would just flirt with me for now and then find someone else next hour, so I would be the person who would probably spend more time trying to draw Brother B out of his shell.
I think the point of contention is here,that phrase implies a woman acting like a *kitten* rather then just being outgoing.
Agreed!!
'Easy' could mean 'easy to approach' or 'easy to get into bed'!
My meaning of sexual, was the former! There is no man on this earth that is going to approach a woman wearing a sackcloth, cowering in the middle of her group of friends with her arms folded and looking the other way if a man looks at her, or running away if a man talks to her :flowerforyou:
As I said, sexual, does NOT mean sex!0 -
BTW as for the earlier comment about not talking to your parents about dating or sex... Yeah your wrong. I have frank discussions with my father about the men in my life. Also all my guys talk to their parent regarding the dating /sex life.. Remember your a grown up and so are they. Plus its also part of your safety...The cops always ask your parents what they know about your dating life ....
To the "east comment" Being aproachable doesnt not mean slutty.... Its about confidence and knowing your own worth. Remember every person in here is worth as much as they value themselves at. Your only going to draw the guys you feel you can rope... sorry couldn't think of a nicer way to phraze it.
I would have totally gone and met the guy BTW0 -
I think probably what you're looking for is some practical advice on getting guys to ask you out, right?
Ok, here goes:
Bar guy: What you said when he asked how you were doing was "good!" Most likely, you then looked immediately away and/or giggled nervously, at which point, guy thinks conversation is over and wanders off. What you should have said is something more along these lines:
"Hey! I'm having a fantastic evening, especially since a good looking guy just bought me a drink! How are you?"
This makes you approachable, a little bit flirty without being slutty, and the guy knows you're at least *somewhat* interested. Plus, you asked him a question, which gives him something to reply to. Most guys do not want to have to work at a conversation in a bar, especially since as far as he's concerned, he's already put the effort in by buying you a drink.
Pretty much every conversation with a guy can be started with a simple question, a compliment, and the absolutely dazzling smile that I already know you have. Hope this helps.0 -
I think probably what you're looking for is some practical advice on getting guys to ask you out, right?
Ok, here goes:
Bar guy: What you said when he asked how you were doing was "good!" Most likely, you then looked immediately away and/or giggled nervously, at which point, guy thinks conversation is over and wanders off. What you should have said is something more along these lines:
"Hey! I'm having a fantastic evening, especially since a good looking guy just bought me a drink! How are you?"
This makes you approachable, a little bit flirty without being slutty, and the guy knows you're at least *somewhat* interested. Plus, you asked him a question, which gives him something to reply to. Most guys do not want to have to work at a conversation in a bar, especially since as far as he's concerned, he's already put the effort in by buying you a drink.
Pretty much every conversation with a guy can be started with a simple question, a compliment, and the absolutely dazzling smile that I already know you have. Hope this helps.
Kate is right. Questions and simple compliments go a long way toward being approachable and starting a conversation! Plus it works anywhere, not just in a bar setting.0 -
I'd suggest that if you want to reduce the chances of finding a guy looking for a quick hook up and nothing else, stay out of bars period.0
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I'd suggest that if you want to reduce the chances of finding a guy looking for a quick hook up and nothing else, stay out of bars period.
I'm referring to an actual incident that she mentioned. She wants practical advice on how to be approachable to guys and she is 22. Let her learn those lessons on her own -- it's already easy for her to say "no" so I highly doubt she's going to be taken in by that...
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I wasn't worried about her becoming gullible all of a sudden. I was more concerned about her looking for a guy in an atmosphere that is the most likely to reassure her of all of her fears that are directed towards guys.0
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I'd suggest that if you want to reduce the chances of finding a guy looking for a quick hook up and nothing else, stay out of bars period.
At her age, that isn't really great advice. In my 20s, I met more than one man in a bar who were decent guys and we had long-term relationships. It isn't about where you meet, it's the quality of the meeting. I don't suggest going home with the guy and jumping into bed immediately, but just because someone is in a bar on a Friday or Saturday night doesn't mean he (or she) isn't a perfectly decent person worth getting to know. Most people go to bars at one point or another. We're not all creeps looking for a quick, meaningless hookup.0 -
I'd suggest that if you want to reduce the chances of finding a guy looking for a quick hook up and nothing else, stay out of bars period.
At her age, that isn't really great advice. In my 20s, I met more than one man in a bar who were decent guys and we had long-term relationships. It isn't about where you meet, it's the quality of the meeting. I don't suggest going home with the guy and jumping into bed immediately, but just because someone is in a bar on a Friday or Saturday night doesn't mean he (or she) isn't a perfectly decent person worth getting to know. Most people go to bars at one point or another. We're not all creeps looking for a quick, meaningless hookup.
Exactly. I can't say that I've ever necessarily met a long-term boyfriend in a bar, but I got plenty of practice in being approachable. I have had several guys give me their numbers or ask for mine w/out ever mentioning having sex that night. It's a place where people our age go to unwind and have fun -- sure, sometimes sex is involved (and, honestly, if both are consenting adults, who cares?), but that's not necessarily the main goal.
Oh, and, another piece of advice: don't ever, ever, ever, EVER say that your friend is better looking than you. EVER. :flowerforyou:0 -
I think probably what you're looking for is some practical advice on getting guys to ask you out, right?
Ok, here goes:
Bar guy: What you said when he asked how you were doing was "good!" Most likely, you then looked immediately away and/or giggled nervously, at which point, guy thinks conversation is over and wanders off. What you should have said is something more along these lines:
"Hey! I'm having a fantastic evening, especially since a good looking guy just bought me a drink! How are you?"
This makes you approachable, a little bit flirty without being slutty, and the guy knows you're at least *somewhat* interested. Plus, you asked him a question, which gives him something to reply to. Most guys do not want to have to work at a conversation in a bar, especially since as far as he's concerned, he's already put the effort in by buying you a drink.
Pretty much every conversation with a guy can be started with a simple question, a compliment, and the absolutely dazzling smile that I already know you have. Hope this helps.
Bar guy didn't actually buy me a drink, he just said "get something with cake" and walked away. Ive never had a guy actually buy me a drink but if someone did that is kinda a cute thing to say. I might not say something about being good looking but minus that part I like it.
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I think probably what you're looking for is some practical advice on getting guys to ask you out, right?
Ok, here goes:
Bar guy: What you said when he asked how you were doing was "good!" Most likely, you then looked immediately away and/or giggled nervously, at which point, guy thinks conversation is over and wanders off. What you should have said is something more along these lines:
"Hey! I'm having a fantastic evening, especially since a good looking guy just bought me a drink! How are you?"
This makes you approachable, a little bit flirty without being slutty, and the guy knows you're at least *somewhat* interested. Plus, you asked him a question, which gives him something to reply to. Most guys do not want to have to work at a conversation in a bar, especially since as far as he's concerned, he's already put the effort in by buying you a drink.
Pretty much every conversation with a guy can be started with a simple question, a compliment, and the absolutely dazzling smile that I already know you have. Hope this helps.
Bar guy didn't actually buy me a drink, he just said "get something with cake" and walked away. Ive never had a guy actually buy me a drink but if someone did that is kinda a cute thing to say. I might not say something about being good looking but minus that part I like it.
Lol, I thought he did, but anyway, you HAVE to say that he's good looking -- that's the point haha0 -
Bar guy didn't actually buy me a drink, he just said "get something with cake" and walked away."Hey! I'm having a fantastic evening, especially since a good looking guy just bought me a drink! How are you?"
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Pretty much every conversation with a guy can be started with a simple question, a compliment, and the absolutely dazzling smile that I already know you have. Hope this helps.
Lol, I thought he did, but anyway, you HAVE to say that he's good looking -- that's the point haha
Then maybe something like wrap your arm around his (wizard of oz style) and, "Hey! I'm having a fantastic evening, especially now that I've got a good looking guy on my arm! How are you?"
Or, what I often use if I can't tell whether or not the guy is in a rush, "I'm great! But (looking him up and down) even better *now*!"
When I used to work with HFA young adults, I had them do this all the time and it really works for those who found themselves overcome with emotion/nervousness when someone approaches/expresses romantic interest: Go to a Target in a part of town where you probably don't know anyone (I used to say Walmart, but it's getting kinda creepy). Pretend you're shopping, and practice looking guys in the eye as you pass, flashing a great smile, and saying "hi." Some guys will think you're cute and react accordingly. Work up to approaching guys who are wandering aimlessly or can't find what they're looking for and use the surroundings to strike up a convo ("so many choices but never what you're looking for" or, "are you looking for arugula too?? I need it for a recipe but don't know what it looks like," "hey, is that marshmallow fluff in your basket? where did you find it"). Or striking up convo with the person before/ahead of you in line.
Sounds corny, but it works! The bulk of my dates are from Match.com, but I've been asked out at the gas station, Sam's club, and even the mall. A lot of times just smiling is enough to get a guy to come over and start flirting. After awhile it becomes natural to just be that friendly and approachable in public.0 -
Heck no it's not bad. That kind of drama can rub off on you. For example, I won't date anyone who uses illegal drugs (or legal drugs illegally). If someone I date has friends that do those things, I'd probably ditch him, and even if I didn't, the rules would be clear. None of that in my house, none of it around me, and if he gets tossed in jail because the cops didn't want to bother sorting out who was doing drugs from who was hanging out with druggies, I'm not bailing him out, either. I'm too darn old for that nonsense these days.0
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I am probably meeting the guy this thread was about tonight! I will let you all know if he actually shows up and what happens!0
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I am probably meeting the guy this thread was about tonight! I will let you all know if he actually shows up and what happens!
Nice!0 -
I am probably meeting the guy this thread was about tonight! I will let you all know if he actually shows up and what happens!
good luck, have fun.0 -
1) He didn't come.
I guess he was working late. But he told my friend that he does want to meet me, so we're going to do it soon. I'm excited.
2) My friend actually told me about how her bf comes off wrong to some people, but he has matured a lot lately, so I appreciated that.
So things are going well for the most part. I told my friend that I am interested in meeting more people and taking chances and she loved to hear that.
And today, I tried to be a lot more outgoing at work thinking of all your guys advice and I think it went well. There is a new employee who is really cute and might have been flirting with me or just really nice, not sure yet.0 -
Most impressive Tchristine!0
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1) He didn't come. I guess he was working late. But he told my friend that he does want to meet me, so we're going to do it soon. I'm excited.
2) My friend actually told me about how her bf comes off wrong to some people, but he has matured a lot lately, so I appreciated that.
So things are going well for the most part. I told my friend that I am interested in meeting more people and taking chances and she loved to hear that.
And today, I tried to be a lot more outgoing at work thinking of all your guys advice and I think it went well. There is a new employee who is really cute and might have been flirting with me or just really nice, not sure yet.
That's brilliant news. (Most) Men are nothing to be afraid of. They (most) are just as shy and insecure as us :flowerforyou:
Have fun! :bigsmile:0 -
1) He didn't come. I guess he was working late. But he told my friend that he does want to meet me, so we're going to do it soon. I'm excited.
2) My friend actually told me about how her bf comes off wrong to some people, but he has matured a lot lately, so I appreciated that.
So things are going well for the most part. I told my friend that I am interested in meeting more people and taking chances and she loved to hear that.
And today, I tried to be a lot more outgoing at work thinking of all your guys advice and I think it went well. There is a new employee who is really cute and might have been flirting with me or just really nice, not sure yet.
That's brilliant news. (Most) Men are nothing to be afraid of. They (most) are just as shy and insecure as us :flowerforyou:
Have fun! :bigsmile:
yes I am the king of shy and insecure! kneel before Zod!......no wait that came out wrong.....0 -
1) He didn't come. I guess he was working late. But he told my friend that he does want to meet me, so we're going to do it soon. I'm excited.
2) My friend actually told me about how her bf comes off wrong to some people, but he has matured a lot lately, so I appreciated that.
So things are going well for the most part. I told my friend that I am interested in meeting more people and taking chances and she loved to hear that.
And today, I tried to be a lot more outgoing at work thinking of all your guys advice and I think it went well. There is a new employee who is really cute and might have been flirting with me or just really nice, not sure yet.
That's brilliant news. (Most) Men are nothing to be afraid of. They (most) are just as shy and insecure as us :flowerforyou:
Have fun! :bigsmile:
yes I am the king of shy and insecure! kneel before Zod!......no wait that came out wrong.....
That's actually quite forward of you, Zod :blushing: :laugh:0 -
So things are going well for the most part. I told my friend that I am interested in meeting more people and taking chances and she loved to hear that.
And today, I tried to be a lot more outgoing at work thinking of all your guys advice and I think it went well. There is a new employee who is really cute and might have been flirting with me or just really nice, not sure yet.
These are great steps to take, congrats!! Just being more social in general will definitely help in the dating department too.0
