is this bad?

mrmanmeat

So he doesnt mistreat her, beat her, steal her money, gamble,drink or do drugs ....oh, and he loves his Aunt and has great respect for her opinion,

but his friend is going to be a loser??

Sorry Christine, I dont know where you come from where people are that good!!

They've lasted 3 years, doesnt that tell you something?

Sometimes you blow my mind :laugh: In fact, I think sometimes you're a troll just here to wind us up!! :laugh:

POST OF THE YEAR.

pa_jorg

I used to really like my friend bit it is hard now because I sometimes doubt her judge of character mostly over her bf.

Maybe this is true, she picked a friend who wouldn't support her because of a boyfriend that seems harmless, although maybe immature. I don't mean to be rude, but I think you're missing the forest for the trees in this situation. She's been with him for several years now, so it's time to let things go and acknowledge that she might actually be happy with him.

dbrightwell1270

While I often think that Christine has some ideals and fears that don't seem realistic, I am hesitant to tell any one they shouldn't trust their instincts. The argument that the friend is okay with her bf so Christine should be too may or may not be legitimate. Please keep in mind that there is a thread currently active about how it is that women often overanalyze things and yet still end up in controlling and abusive relationships. The women who have experienced this tend to say that they didn't realize that it was happening or that it wasn't normal until after enduring it for years and in some cases until long after they were out of the relationship.

Katefab26

While I often think that Christine has some ideals and fears that don't seem realistic, I am hesitant to tell any one they shouldn't trust their instincts. The argument that the friend is okay with her bf so Christine should be too may or may not be legitimate. Please keep in mind that there is a thread currently active about how it is that women often overanalyze things and yet still end up in controlling and abusive relationships. The women who have experienced this tend to say that they didn't realize that it was happening or that it wasn't normal until after enduring it for years and in some cases until long after they were out of the relationship.

Yes, but the problem is, if you notice her posts, she says this about pretty much all of her friends' romantic attachments...

Not trying to be rude here, but Christine, girl, you really do need to lighten up a bit and try to get out of your comfort zone with guys, especially since you seem to truly want to have a relationship. Guys aren't perfect, and neither are you. Keep that in mind, and hopefully once you've loosened up and lived a little, you'll actually find someone who is absolutely perfect -- for you! :flowerforyou:

christine24t

While I often think that Christine has some ideals and fears that don't seem realistic, I am hesitant to tell any one they shouldn't trust their instincts. The argument that the friend is okay with her bf so Christine should be too may or may not be legitimate. Please keep in mind that there is a thread currently active about how it is that women often overanalyze things and yet still end up in controlling and abusive relationships. The women who have experienced this tend to say that they didn't realize that it was happening or that it wasn't normal until after enduring it for years and in some cases until long after they were out of the relationship.

First off I am not a troll! I assure you I'm a real life woman.

Second, thanks for sticking up for me a little. While my examples are bad I do have an instinct that this guy is bad news. My friend could do so much better than her loser bf.

I also don't actively avoid social situations with men. Just last weekend I went to the bar on friday and Saturday and the racetrack on Thursday. I do go out and live. I'm not sure where that impression came from - maybe because I am inexperienced. But I do go out and live life.

I am sorry for everyone that an innocent question that i poised turned into this.

Carl01

Christine...no one,myself included, is trying to pick on you.
It is just that we have all seen a pattern in your posts that always find a reason or excuse to never consider any guy as a possibility.
Whether it be this one or where you ran away when the guy kissed you there is more then enough evidence to believe you have some real things to get dealt with.
Even here you admit as a 23 or 24 year old girl you can`t or won`t talk about guys and dating with your folks.
That alone would raise eyebrows.

Please understand that you have expressed a desire for a relationship and even said you were not looking for marriage before sleeping with a guy but you do nothing to find it.
Prince Charming isn`t coming on the white horse,you need to be willing to risk hurt and participate if you are serious about it.
Going to a bar to just hang out is not that if you are not socializing.

People are just trying to help you get where you say you want to be.

mrmanmeat

While I often think that Christine has some ideals and fears that don't seem realistic, I am hesitant to tell any one they shouldn't trust their instincts. The argument that the friend is okay with her bf so Christine should be too may or may not be legitimate. Please keep in mind that there is a thread currently active about how it is that women often overanalyze things and yet still end up in controlling and abusive relationships. The women who have experienced this tend to say that they didn't realize that it was happening or that it wasn't normal until after enduring it for years and in some cases until long after they were out of the relationship.

First off I am not a troll! I assure you I'm a real life woman.

Second, thanks for sticking up for me a little. While my examples are bad I do have an instinct that this guy is bad news. My friend could do so much better than her loser bf.

I also don't actively avoid social situations with men. Just last weekend I went to the bar on friday and Saturday and the racetrack on Thursday. I do go out and live. I'm not sure where that impression came from - maybe because I am inexperienced. But I do go out and live life.

I am sorry for everyone that an innocent question that i poised turned into this.

Typical woman, trying to change someone. You might think she can do better, but he might be what she wants. That said, EVERYONE can do better to a certain point when you realize everyone has flaws and you find the ones you're willing to live with.

JanieJack

If I had a friend that I stopped being friends with, partially because I couldn't stand her boyfriend, then I would be hard pressed to accept her (or his) recommendations for a potential partner.

Whether or not Christine makes excuses for finding someone long-term (I notice that a LOT of people on this board do just that), the fact is, most of us would judge someone by their friends too. I, personally, wouldn't blame her for thinking if these two guys are good friends then he might share similar thoughts/expectations in relationships. And Christine knows she doesn't want that kind of a relationship.

Now, if I were Christine and he really wanted to take me out, and I had nothing else going, I might let my friend give him my number. I'd use it as an opportunity to practice dating with someone who probably won't work out, but be open to a pleasant surprise if he seems to be a great guy. After all, when Christine gets emotional overload, some of her posts show her running off rather than staying cool. Practice makes perfect, lol. But I certainly wouldn't go hang out with them as a double date because I might get irritated with the boyfriend and not "on my best behavior" the whole night.

christine24t

If I had a friend that I stopped being friends with, partially because I couldn't stand her boyfriend, then I would be hard pressed to accept her (or his) recommendations for a potential partner.

Yeah, this is something that I have thought of too. Another boyfriend she had was a loser too, so sometimes I doubt her recommendations.

Now, if I were Christine and he really wanted to take me out, and I had nothing else going, I might let my friend give him my number. I'd use it as an opportunity to practice dating with someone who probably won't work out, but be open to a pleasant surprise if he seems to be a great guy. After all, when Christine gets emotional overload, some of her posts show her running off rather than staying cool. Practice makes perfect, lol. But I certainly wouldn't go hang out with them as a double date because I might get irritated with the boyfriend and not "on my best behavior" the whole night.

That is actually not a bad idea, and good point about a practice date.

And yeah, I could never double date with him - I'd probably end up wanting to punch him at the end of the night - and no date would think that's cool.

jenbit

Ok so I have a different take here.. One I kinda have to question the loyalty of your friendship. I have a very large core group of friends and no one they Have ever dated would make me cut them off. your supposed to be there for your friends no matter what. I've have friends go through addiction miscarriges been cheated on or having done the cheating and you know what they are still my friends... So 1 who are you to judge how happy your friend is with the guy and 2 how are you going to prejudge someone before you meet them. YOur closing yourself off by doing this and your cheating yourself out of alot of things through fear. I'm not trying to be mean but I really think you need to analize your behavior and look for the true meaning on why you keep making excuses

christine24t

Ok so I have a different take here.. One I kinda have to question the loyalty of your friendship. I have a very large core group of friends and no one they Have ever dated would make me cut them off. your supposed to be there for your friends no matter what. I've have friends go through addiction miscarriges been cheated on or having done the cheating and you know what they are still my friends... So 1 who are you to judge how happy your friend is with the guy and 2 how are you going to prejudge someone before you meet them. YOur closing yourself off by doing this and your cheating yourself out of alot of things through fear. I'm not trying to be mean but I really think you need to analize your behavior and look for the true meaning on why you keep making excuses

I didn't exactly cut her off. We just drifted apart, mostly because of her BF, but it wasn't like I said "I'll never be friends with you again!"

But yeah, I didn't like the guy and I told her so, and that is what caused us to drift apart.

However this thread was more about the whole point of "would you date someone if you disliked their friends" or "would you judge someone on their friends?"

Even here you admit as a 23 or 24 year old girl you can`t or won`t talk about guys and dating with your folks.
That alone would raise eyebrows.

Really? Because I don't know anyone who talks to their mom or dad about dating. I can't think of one friend who tells their parent about their dating life, besides "I am dating ____" if they're dating someone.

And this other guy both knows about and is responsible for this stuff?

No, Carl, he's not responsible but I am sure if he is an *kitten* to my friend he is an *kitten* to other people as well...that is usually how it works.

flimflamfloz

I am sorry for everyone that an innocent question that i poised turned into this.

I think your question is genuine.
My answer still stand: "date" the guy, without any expectation: just to see what he is about. Then decide once you've talked to the guy... This doesn't force you in any way to see the guy again, should you not like him.
There is a real possibility that he is going to be like his friend I agree (who you don't like, so your friend bf is for sure not your type of guy!) but also a real possibility he won't (in which case he might, or might not, be your type of guy).

Carl01

Please tell me you are not serious about the fact that you know of no one that can talk to their parents about relationship issues.
I am quite sure that is not the case.

As to your second statement,he is an *kitten* in your eyes and actually your level of hatred for him is rather hard to figure out.
Will grant he did some awkward things but I do not see anywhere something that rises to the malice you have for him.

Am going to be blunt again Christine,really do think you should seek out real life counseling,you don`t see it or accept it but it is clear you have some obvious socialization/relationship issues that go beyond any discussion here.

Please take a look at things honestly and openly,most here have not reached a conclusion about where you are at out of meanness or arbitrarily.

Honestly doubt you are willing to do this but am hopeful.

flimflamfloz

...Stuff...
Honestly doubt you are willing to do this but am hopeful.

Nah... I mean everyone is entitled to their opinion, but to me, she is just very wary (and I would say probably "too careful") with men.
I think this is because she is a bit inexperienced, and that can be a bit daunting at first (especially with all the "horror stories").
Sure, from what I see here, I think she could open herself a bit more to men (i.e. be a tad more approachable and train herself to keep a conversation going with men), but I don't see this as a social/relationship issue. Heck! I was probably more of a freak (socially) that she is at her age.

I think by exposing herself/dating more and more and realising that men are not complete *kitten*, she'll get to this point. I wouldn't delay it too much though - the right time for this is always now.

For Christine: remember that you're in control of who you chose to be with (this won't be forced upon you), so just go with the flow - there are some good surprises for those who keep an open mind (this guy might or might not be a "nice guy" - if not, fine, if yes, then great).

christine24t

Please tell me you are not serious about the fact that you know of no one that can talk to their parents about relationship issues.
I am quite sure that is not the case.

Can talk? Sure. But nobody does. My mom and dad probably wouldn't mind, but it would be the first time I have. And same with my other friends. With the other guy I went out with, I just didn't want to get my mom excited over nothing, because he would have been my first boyfriend ever, and I was right that it was nothing. But if I was going to date someone, I would definitely tell my folks, but not involve them in the personal details.

I think this is because she is a bit inexperienced, and that can be a bit daunting at first (especially with all the "horror stories").

It definitely is daunting, especially at my age.

Sure, from what I see here, I think she could open herself a bit more to men (i.e. be a tad more approachable and train herself to keep a conversation going with men), but I don't see this as a social/relationship issue. Heck! I was probably more of a freak (socially) that she is at her age.

I'm not sure where this impression came from, but I don't have a problem talking to men once they approach me, if they do. Just yesterday, I talked to a guy for ten minutes about sports and then life in general. Trust me, I can keep up my end of a conversation.

But yes, maybe I could be more approachable.

Since we're on MFP, I'm gonna be honest and say a lot of it had to do with my weight. If I posted a photo of me at 18/19 you would understand why I did not get approached. I was pretty fat. I've been fat my whole life so it's no wonder guys didn't want to be with me. Now since I lost weight I'm catching up in the date market- I'm more like a teenager just starting to date. Maybe that'll make sense.

For Christine: remember that you're in control of who you chose to be with (this won't be forced upon you), so just go with the flow - there are some good surprises for those who keep an open mind (this guy might or might not be a "nice guy" - if not, fine, if yes, then great).

Always good advice.

Carl01

...Stuff...
Honestly doubt you are willing to do this but am hopeful.

Nah... I mean everyone is entitled to their opinion, but to me, she is just very wary (and I would say probably "too careful") with men.
I think this is because she is a bit inexperienced, and that can be a bit daunting at first (especially with all the "horror stories").
Sure, from what I see here, I think she could open herself a bit more to men (i.e. be a tad more approachable and train herself to keep a conversation going with men), but I don't see this as a social/relationship issue. Heck! I was probably more of a freak (socially) that she is at her age.

I think by exposing herself/dating more and more and realising that men are not complete *kitten*, she'll get to this point. I wouldn't delay it too much though - the right time for this is always now.

For Christine: remember that you're in control of who you chose to be with (this won't be forced upon you), so just go with the flow - there are some good surprises for those who keep an open mind (this guy might or might not be a "nice guy" - if not, fine, if yes, then great).

I don`t like talking about someone as if they didn`t exist but have to say when they post a thread about a guy kissing them on the cheek at the end of a third date and they freak out and literally run away coupled with endless "I can`t do that" responses in other threads there are deeper issues involved.

christine24t

I don`t like talking about someone as if they didn`t exist but have to say when they post a thread about a guy kissing them on the cheek at the end of a third date and they freak out and literally run away coupled with endless "I can`t do that" responses in other threads there are deeper issues involved.

I explained that in a different thread in case you didn't see it. I was uncomfortable with him, and couldn't see anything happening long term. We stopped seeing each other a couple of days after that.

ETA - I do want to meet someone, but I am not willing to give up my morals for it, nor waste my time with someone that I don't see anything going anywhere with.

Carl01

I don`t like talking about someone as if they didn`t exist but have to say when they post a thread about a guy kissing them on the cheek at the end of a third date and they freak out and literally run away coupled with endless "I can`t do that" responses in other threads there are deeper issues involved.

I explained that in a different thread in case you didn't see it. I was uncomfortable with him, and couldn't see anything happening long term. We stopped seeing each other a couple of days after that.

ETA - I do want to meet someone, but I am not willing to give up my morals for it, nor waste my time with someone that I don't see anything going anywhere with.

That is fine..running away is not a normal reaction,this is what you are not understanding.
There is not a moral equation involved in that.

Just yesterday, I talked to a guy for ten minutes about sports and then life in general. Trust me, I can keep up my end of a conversation.

If he had given you his phone number and asked you call or text or said can I have yours,what would you have done?
Honest answer.

christine24t

If he had given you his phone number and asked you call or text or said can I have yours,what would you have done?
Honest answer.

I would have said yes if he asked for my number! He is really nice, I see him around fairly frequently.
Because I've always been the fat friend, I learned to talk to men as they never liked me that way. But this whole second step is what is unfamiliar.

Carl01

If he had given you his phone number and asked you call or text or said can I have yours,what would you have done?
Honest answer.

I would have said yes! He is really nice, I see him around fairly frequently.

Then give it to him or let down your guard enough to let him know you want his because if you act in real life as you post here he is at this point certain you have no interest.