is this bad?
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Is it bad to not give a potential date a chance because of who he hangs out with?
Not at all. We become the people we hang out with. By spending a lot of time with them, we are not just accepting their behavior and their lifestyle, we are condoning them. You are absolutely right to draw conclusions about the character of a person based on the people they consider close friends.
But there are a couple of things I would seriously think about:
1. Are they close friends or merely two people who happen to be in the same social circle? If it's the latter, I'm not sure it matters that much. But if they are really good friends, it would be a red flag for me.
2. What is it about your friend's boyfriend's lifestyle that bothers you? Some things that would affect only him, I could get over. If he's a dirty hippie, if he lives with and mooches off his parents, etc., well, that's not really anything that would ever concern me. But if he's a criminal, if he's abusive to his girlfriend, or anything along those lines, it would be a dealbreaker for me, and I would not date a guy who is close friends with someone like that.0 -
Live a little!
Personally I think you should at least meet him.0 -
I'd hate to think I'd be judged based on my friends. The ones I am around most these days are absolutely nothing like me. The core group of us all grew up together and then the rest sort of came in through one of us.
There's the account who is a comic book geek and poet, the proud irish teacher who takes everything way too seriously, the manufacturer who is a metal head, the chef who is really into Lovecraftian stories, the IT guy who is a pop culture nerd and attention *kitten*, the former sailor who's an alcoholic, and the Debt collector with a monkey fetish who nobody really knows if he's a good christian boy or the devil. Sadly, the one who's my best friend and I am probably most similiar too is the latter. I'm the engineer who dances way too much and likes 80's and early 90's music a bit too much.
About the only thing most of us have in common is we've moslty all known each other for 20+ years.0 -
There's a difference between being weird and being a loser. If you have a job (or are actively looking for one), you follow the law, and you generally treat people well, you can be as weird as you want and I won't think you're a loser.
I have cut ties with people I was friends with all my life because of certain things they did. And I don't mean they started listening to weird music or getting things pierced. I mean they started doing things like molesting children and hitting their mother. To continue hanging out with someone like that absolutely makes my character questionable.0 -
So...you still talk to your friend who chooses to be bf/gf with the guy, but you won't even meet someone who just happens to be friends with him? Kind of a double standard there, if you feel so strongly about it you should not be talking to your friend at all. I mean, if you're friends with someone who's boyfriend is a jerk, what does that say about you?
Carl may be on to something here. You can find something wrong with anybody if you try hard enough, and it seems like you're trying awfully hard. If the only thing wrong with this guy is that his friend is a jerk, that's really not so bad. Unless you'd just rather date a different guy you have nothing in common with just because he has nice friends. To each his own I guess.
p.s. Sorry if I'm being rude, just trying to prove a point.0 -
If you follow your own logic, why are you still friends with your friend? I'm sure she hang outs with her boyfriend. She must be bad news too.0
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To be fair, she did say they stopped being friends over this guy and that they've only recently gotten back in touch.0
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Oh okay, so then she should at least meet the guy, then not talk to him for a while, and then it will be okay.To be fair, she did say they stopped being friends over this guy and that they've only recently gotten back in touch.
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I agree that with those that say give him a chance. Chances are, if you are hanging out with bf more, you will end up seeing him at some point anyway.....if he hangs with them alot.
Either way, now it is Wednesday......so did you go?0 -
She was best friends with this girl before she started dating her loser boyfriend. She stopped being friends with her over the guy. Three years later, when she's home from college, she hangs out with her once. Doesn't sound to me like they're getting BFF tattoos any time soon.0
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I did not end up going. I knew if I saw the boyfriend I would not be able to contain myself lol.She was best friends with this girl before she started dating her loser boyfriend. She stopped being friends with her over the guy. Three years later, when she's home from college, she hangs out with her once. Doesn't sound to me like they're getting BFF tattoos any time soon.
Yes no tattoos here! we fell out of touch for a few years mostly because I greatly dislike her boyfriend. For a while after they got together I pretended to like him but one day I told her how I really felt and after that we didnt talk for a long time. I used to really like my friend bit it is hard now because I sometimes doubt her judge of character mostly over her bf. It is hard when she has told me such negative things about him.
When she met him, I met him and I immediately got a bad vibe. They started talking and he asked her out. They had a couple of dates and then he poofed. She tried to call him, go to his house and work because she was worried about him. It was like he fell off the planet. He eventually came back and said he was scared of being with her - but he couldn't even offer her the courtesy of telling this to her face - instead he poofed. He did it Once again a few months later. That's not all. He is one of those peoPle who will be perfectly nice to your face and then
be completely rude behind your back. I overheard him absolutely trashing someone right after being with them for the day.
Lastly, he tries to control her in certain aspects. Last summer they went to a music festival where they were staying with his aunt. He told her to go buy new clothes because his aunt wouldnt like her fashion sense. So she went and dropped a few hundred dollars on clothes that this aunt would approve of.
He is not a good guy and I am dissapointed in her for this. But she is one of my oldest friends.
I am not sure how close the two boys are but I get the impression they are friends who hang out often.0 -
Last summer they went to a music festival where they were staying with his aunt. He told her to go buy new clothes because his aunt wouldnt like her fashion sense. So she went and dropped a few hundred dollars on clothes that this aunt would approve of.
Wow, demanding Aunt. A real fashion Nazi.
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If you follow your own logic, why are you still friends with your friend? I'm sure she hang outs with her boyfriend. She must be bad news too.
My head just exploded.
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Lastly, he tries to control her in certain aspects. Last summer they went to a music festival where they were staying with his aunt. He told her to go buy new clothes because his aunt wouldnt like her fashion sense. So she went and dropped a few hundred dollars on clothes that this aunt would approve of.
I think this is more your friends issue then the guys. She needs to have a backbone to say no to situations like that.
Also most the issues you have with the guy are not the type of behavors that are shared by friends. I have a really good friend that is a Christian Republican while I am an Angostic Democarate. We do not share many traits but still have a good time when we are together. Also most people would be suprised that I am probably the more conservative of the two of us.0 -
She was best friends with this girl before she started dating her loser boyfriend.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We know of only a few incidents, and quite frankly:
1 - Maybe he just screwed up? I know it's shocking, but I hear 20 somethings often do stupid things they later regret. 40 somethings, too... ;-)
2 - Maybe we don't know all the details? Her friend found it in her heart to forgive him, that should count for something, right?
3 - He's not scoring heroin, or trafficking in underage Asians. He just got cold feet a couple of times, and had her buy some clothes for his Nazi aunt. OK, I grant you these were mistakes, but come on.... Perspective, people!
How did we get from there to "loser boyfriend"???
Not saying the guy is good, bad, or ugly. What do I know? Just saying, the only character in this thread mini-opera that seems to really know the guy is her girlfriend, and she's sticking with him.
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I did not end up going. I knew if I saw the boyfriend I would not be able to contain myself lol.She was best friends with this girl before she started dating her loser boyfriend. She stopped being friends with her over the guy. Three years later, when she's home from college, she hangs out with her once. Doesn't sound to me like they're getting BFF tattoos any time soon.
Yes no tattoos here! we fell out of touch for a few years mostly because I greatly dislike her boyfriend. For a while after they got together I pretended to like him but one day I told her how I really felt and after that we didnt talk for a long time. I used to really like my friend bit it is hard now because I sometimes doubt her judge of character mostly over her bf. It is hard when she has told me such negative things about him.
When she met him, I met him and I immediately got a bad vibe. They started talking and he asked her out. They had a couple of dates and then he poofed. She tried to call him, go to his house and work because she was worried about him. It was like he fell off the planet. He eventually came back and said he was scared of being with her - but he couldn't even offer her the courtesy of telling this to her face - instead he poofed. He did it Once again a few months later. That's not all. He is one of those peoPle who will be perfectly nice to your face and then
be completely rude behind your back. I overheard him absolutely trashing someone right after being with them for the day.
Lastly, he tries to control her in certain aspects. Last summer they went to a music festival where they were staying with his aunt. He told her to go buy new clothes because his aunt wouldnt like her fashion sense. So she went and dropped a few hundred dollars on clothes that this aunt would approve of.
He is not a good guy and I am dissapointed in her for this. But she is one of my oldest friends.
I am not sure how close the two boys are but I get the impression they are friends who hang out often.
And this other guy both knows about and is responsible for this stuff?
Sorry Christine,whatever your reasons I have to say that is really stretching things. :flowerforyou:0 -
Maybe you are just looking for excuses so you don't have to have serious interactions with potential boyfriends? You know, interactions that may lead to stronger feelings, kissing, touching, etc.
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may....
Ya know what I'm sayin'?
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So he doesnt mistreat her, beat her, steal her money, gamble,drink or do drugs ....oh, and he loves his Aunt and has great respect for her opinion,
but his friend is going to be a loser??
Sorry Christine, I dont know where you come from where people are that good!!
They've lasted 3 years, doesnt that tell you something?
Sometimes you blow my mind :laugh: In fact, I think sometimes you're a troll just here to wind us up!! :laugh:0 -
So he doesnt mistreat her, beat her, steal her money, gamble,drink or do drugs ....oh, and he loves his Aunt and has great respect for her opinion,
but his friend is going to be a loser??
Sorry Christine, I dont know where you come from where people are that good!!
They've lasted 3 years, doesnt that tell you something?
Sometimes you blow my mind :laugh: In fact, I think sometimes you're a troll just here to wind us up!! :laugh:
I have to agree!! Clearly I only know you by your posts, but I agree with Carl...from what Ive read you actively avoid social settings with the opposite sex.
JQ said she has separated herself from friends for things like child molestation, beating women...all GREAT reasons to drop friends. Your friends boyfriend is not a monster he is just an immature young man who doesnt always put her first. That is life, and until you put yourself out there you wont realize that those little disappointments are often overlooked by all of us so we can experience life's great rewards as well.
Get out and live!!! You are young, go make some mistakes and learn things about yourself. You are going to have to date some losers in your life! They just make you appreciate the good guys more when you find one.0 -
^^^^^This times a bagillionI have to agree!! Clearly I only know you by your posts, but I agree with Carl...from what Ive read you actively avoid social settings with the opposite sex.
JQ said she has separated herself from friends for things like child molestation, beating women...all GREAT reasons to drop friends. Your friends boyfriend is not a monster he is just an immature young man who doesnt always put her first. That is life, and until you put yourself out there you wont realize that those little disappointments are often overlooked by all of us so we can experience life's great rewards as well.
Get out and live!!! You are young, go make some mistakes and learn things about yourself. You are going to have to date some losers in your life! They just make you appreciate the good guys more when you find one.0
