shy peeps
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That's when I realized I'm not actually shy or uncomfortable with a stranger... I'm uncomfortable with GROUPS of strangers. I SO dislike being the 5th wheel or only knowing one person and starting to feel like a leech to hold on to them.
This is me too.
I don't go to work functions (such as holiday parties) because I hate the idea of not really knowing anyone there and having to chit-chat with everyone I vaguely know.
And I hate 3rd wheeling, 5th wheeling, etc. Nobody gets it when I say "I'd rather be alone."0 -
I definitely get the group thing. My problem is that even with people I know, groups of more than three or four people that I -know- make my uncomfortable. I start to get overwhelmed (The exception for this is SD Comic-con. That place is awesome enough to distract me).
The other problem is unexpected guests - even if I know the person. I was supposed to meet my friends for poker night and right as I showed up (last one there) it was just in time to hear my friend Tony make plans for five other people to come over and I flipped my ****. I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed and I honestly couldn't really tell you why because I had met all those five people before and I didn't hate them... I just wasn't expecting them so I hadn't emotionally prepared myself for it.
Another one of the reasons I get anxiety is because I'm worried about people touching me. I'm not a germaphobe but people seem to be really "huggy" nowadays. I'll do handshakes and fist bumps but anything beyond that is really intimate for me. I get anxiety when my best friend of six years and I are hanging out and he goes to leave, because I am freaking out about whether or not I should hug him good bye. Fortunately he knows me and understands me so it's not a big deal. Some people do really get bent out of shape when they go in for a hug and you flinch away.
The hardest part is that deep inside I know it's illogical and that I'm silly. I have had that little voice in my brain tell me over and over again that I'm ridiculous while I'm hiding away. That primal part of your brain is so in control in those times that it's so uncontrollable. It's so easy for people that don't have anxiety to be like "It's fine, get over it, be rational" because they don't understand, they aren't even telling you something that you yourself aren't telling you. In fact, the people that know me best know that the best "cure" for me is to talk about animals, show me pictures of kittens or foxes, or something fluffy and cute.
So a lot of times, when I know I'm going to be uncomfortable I hype myself up by being loud, and fun. I get excited about something and I focus on it. That seems to help a lot with the stuff that I can preplan.
This is... by far the most open I've been about my private business. I only post it because I know no one can hurt me with it any more than it already affects me and I hope that someone will see it and know that despite everything I am very happy and content with my life. Anxiety is manageable and tolerable even without regular medication and it can be overcome with a lot of hard work. Believe it or not this stuff happens less and less frequently the more I focus and work on it. Always pay attention to your threshold and don't go too far over but definitely push the limit (also, people tend to not question 15 minute "bathroom breaks" surprisingly).0 -
That's when I realized I'm not actually shy or uncomfortable with a stranger... I'm uncomfortable with GROUPS of strangers. I SO dislike being the 5th wheel or only knowing one person and starting to feel like a leech to hold on to them.
I thought back to the night that MissingMinnesota and I met also and realized the same thing... I felt horrible for tying myself to her and tried so hard not to, but I was SO uncomfortable with a group where I knew no one else...
Not sure how to deal, but the timing just seemed funny so I thought I'd share...
I can totally relate! I'm NOT shy one on one... in groups, where everyone else seems to know one another, yes, I sit back, listen, observe... and then I let my freak flag fly...not really ... I save that for one on one, too... lol
Complete 180 for me. I get shy around small intimate groups of 2-3 people that I don't know. The larger the group, the less shy I am. I don't care if the room is filled with tons of people and I know only just 1 person there or don't know anyone period. I think the reason is mentally I feel like I can just blend in and be just another face. With large groups the focus isn't on me.I definitely get the group thing. My problem is that even with people I know, groups of more than three or four people that I -know- make my uncomfortable. I start to get overwhelmed (The exception for this is SD Comic-con. That place is awesome enough to distract me).
:laugh: This is so true. About the awesomeness of SDCC. Reminds me of a story. I've been going to SDCC since 2005 and haven't missed 1 year with the exception of 2010. (stupid work :grumble: ) Crowds never bothered me, ever. I can just blend in. So many people around that I feel at ease. One of those years I remember walking around and I saw a news reporter covering the convention. I think it was local news or something. She saw me, smiled and waved me over. She was a really cute brunette :blushing: It completely went over my head that she was a tv news reporter and I unwittingly approached her.
With a mic in her hand, she started asking me about SDCC, what I thought, where I was from etc etc. I then noticed the camera man fidgeting around and shaking his head at the news reporter. She stopped, apologized to me and asked me to wait for a minute. It suddenly dawned on me that I was about to be on TV. "OH HELL NAWZ!" I thought to myself and I just shook my head and scurried away in fear. The idea of being on TV with tons of people viewing me. I felt a cold lump in my stomach. :laugh:0 -
I thought back to the night that MissingMinnesota and I met also and realized the same thing... I felt horrible for tying myself to her and tried so hard not to, but I was SO uncomfortable with a group where I knew no one else...
Not sure how to deal, but the timing just seemed funny so I thought I'd share...
Well you didn't come across as uncomfortable. I wasn't expecting you to be there and not have me introducing you to people. You seemed very engaging with the people you did talk to.
Thank you for sharing that. Ironically, I think I did exactly as Anji suggested that night. I was overwhelmed with so many people and stuck to focusing on whatever person was near me and willing to talk, ignoring the crowd around me. It's partially why I'd hesitate to join such a group... I'd probably be showing up to only the events you were at, haha....
This is objective evidence that you do not come across in the way you tell yourself you do. Why not try believing this instead, behaving accordingly by stepping out of your comfort zone again and see what happens :flowerforyou:0 -
Anyone else have anxiety when talking on the phone for the first time with someone? How some of you guys are with crowds I am with people on the phone. I find talking on the phone more intimate then meeting someone in person for some reason and get the shakes and have to amp myself up to make that call. This is why I love texting and caller ID. I always hated having a job that where I had to call people. Even job related calls give me anxiety. I am okay with talking to people I know well but I always see these posts of people talking with someone from POF for hours and just wonder how they can do it.0
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Anyone else have anxiety when talking on the phone for the first time with someone? How some of you guys are with crowds I am with people on the phone. I find talking on the phone more intimate then meeting someone in person for some reason and get the shakes and have to amp myself up to make that call. This is why I love texting and caller ID. I always hated having a job that where I had to call people. Even job related calls give me anxiety. I am okay with talking to people I know well but I always see these posts of people talking with someone from POF for hours and just wonder how they can do it.
I was thinking about this over the weekend because when I renewed my mobile phone contract, the talk minutes are now unlimited. Whereas the data is restricted. I imagine this is because people are either texting (also unlimited) or emailing, rather than talking!! So, perhaps this is just a sign of them times? (I dont mind either way)
I dont have phone anxiety, but then I've spent most of my working life on the phone, so I guess I'm used to it.
I guess it's just like overcoming f2f shyness - force yourself to do it, and the more practice you get the more it will become second nature? :flowerforyou:0 -
Anyone else have anxiety when talking on the phone for the first time with someone? How some of you guys are with crowds I am with people on the phone. I find talking on the phone more intimate then meeting someone in person for some reason and get the shakes and have to amp myself up to make that call. This is why I love texting and caller ID. I always hated having a job that where I had to call people. Even job related calls give me anxiety. I am okay with talking to people I know well but I always see these posts of people talking with someone from POF for hours and just wonder how they can do it.
Yes, I hate phone conversations. I actually stopped dating a guy because he refused to text instead of call. Every time I would see his number pop up as calling me I would panic, hit ignore, wait a couple minutes then text him asking "You called?"
Once he started calling me right after I would text him and I ended up just poofing on the dude.
Best part? I'm a receptionist. Apparently a regular paycheck is a good motivator as well. Hahaha!0 -
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However, I don't curse in front of men...I don't think it's very attractive, and since I struggle to get male attention anyway, I don't want to ruin it by dropping F-bombs. I have my awkward moments but they're unintentional. But I just don't swear in front of men.
Very smart Christine. When a women curses, it's horribly, horribly unattractive. I wouldn't hesitate to walk away mid-conversation from a women who dropped an f-bomb.
It generally speaks volumes about their character as well.
Well to me, I think that people that judge someone based on "social training" instead of their actual actions and personality shows me they lack character. Instead of being aware that YOU have been socially programmed to think that sh1t is anything different than poop is ridiculous. Is dropping an f-bomb in a business setting inappropriate? Sure, but not on a casual date where you are swapping stories and likely getting passionate about the conversation. Darn and damn….so close, but yet one is profanity. You were socially programmed to think that, just like in some areas men are programmed to think your job is to open doors and be chivalrous.
I don’t care if a woman drops an f-bomb, that doesn’t mean she is a bad woman. I care about her being honest and faithful if we are in a relationship. I care about her being genuine and comfortable around me enough to be herself. There’s a difference between dropping an f-bomb in conversation and using one to disrespect someone in anger or insult.
“Did you have fun at the concert?”
“YES!! It was the best f**king concert EVER!” I have no problem with that what so ever. Being in the military and working blue collar for a while in my youth didn’t help matters, but seeing that people drink the Kool-Aid too much and buy into social training….I just laugh at the ‘sheeple’ that accept the societal norms pushed upon them instead of living by their own rules.0 -
Anyone else have anxiety when talking on the phone for the first time with someone? How some of you guys are with crowds I am with people on the phone. I find talking on the phone more intimate then meeting someone in person for some reason and get the shakes and have to amp myself up to make that call. This is why I love texting and caller ID. I always hated having a job that where I had to call people. Even job related calls give me anxiety. I am okay with talking to people I know well but I always see these posts of people talking with someone from POF for hours and just wonder how they can do it.
I am so glad you said this because I feel the same way. I know the feeling if amping yourself up before you call. I can only talk to my mom on the phone. Not friends. I mean, I can, but the whole time I'm wondering "when will this be over?" I could never talk to a guy I'm getting to know over the phone.
If people call me, 99% of the time I let it go to voicemail, hear what they want and then call them back on my terms. I just wish people would text me.0 -
Well to me, I think that people that judge someone based on "social training" instead of their actual actions and personality shows me they lack character. Instead of being aware that YOU have been socially programmed to think that sh1t is anything different than poop is ridiculous. Is dropping an f-bomb in a business setting inappropriate? Sure, but not on a casual date where you are swapping stories and likely getting passionate about the conversation. Darn and damn….so close, but yet one is profanity. You were socially programmed to think that, just like in some areas men are programmed to think your job is to open doors and be chivalrous.
I don’t care if a woman drops an f-bomb, that doesn’t mean she is a bad woman. I care about her being honest and faithful if we are in a relationship. I care about her being genuine and comfortable around me enough to be herself. There’s a difference between dropping an f-bomb in conversation and using one to disrespect someone in anger or insult.
“Did you have fun at the concert?”
“YES!! It was the best f**king concert EVER!” I have no problem with that what so ever. Being in the military and working blue collar for a while in my youth didn’t help matters, but seeing that people drink the Kool-Aid too much and buy into social training….I just laugh at the ‘sheeple’ that accept the societal norms pushed upon them instead of living by their own rules.
I get what you're saying, but I also understand Mike's point. Dropping an f*bomb every once in a while is normal I think, so I wouldn't judge anyone for it, especially since I do too! BUT, I do think someone who cusses a lot comes across as lacking the ability to speak with thought and resorts to cuss words because they don't know how else to express themselves, so I do get what Mike's saying overall.... I guess it's maybe perspectiveon how MUCH someone resorts to those words.0 -
Well to me, I think that people that judge someone based on "social training" instead of their actual actions and personality shows me they lack character. Instead of being aware that YOU have been socially programmed to think that sh1t is anything different than poop is ridiculous. Is dropping an f-bomb in a business setting inappropriate? Sure, but not on a casual date where you are swapping stories and likely getting passionate about the conversation. Darn and damn….so close, but yet one is profanity. You were socially programmed to think that, just like in some areas men are programmed to think your job is to open doors and be chivalrous.
I don’t care if a woman drops an f-bomb, that doesn’t mean she is a bad woman. I care about her being honest and faithful if we are in a relationship. I care about her being genuine and comfortable around me enough to be herself. There’s a difference between dropping an f-bomb in conversation and using one to disrespect someone in anger or insult.
“Did you have fun at the concert?”
“YES!! It was the best f**king concert EVER!” I have no problem with that what so ever. Being in the military and working blue collar for a while in my youth didn’t help matters, but seeing that people drink the Kool-Aid too much and buy into social training….I just laugh at the ‘sheeple’ that accept the societal norms pushed upon them instead of living by their own rules.
I get what you're saying, but I also understand Mike's point. Dropping an f*bomb every once in a while is normal I think, so I wouldn't judge anyone for it, especially since I do too! BUT, I do think someone who cusses a lot comes across as lacking the ability to speak with thought and resorts to cuss words because they don't know how else to express themselves, so I do get what Mike's saying overall.... I guess it's maybe perspectiveon how MUCH someone resorts to those words.
Then you don't get what he's saying - that judging someone based on their decision to cuss casually is a preconceived societal notion of "inappropriate". If you're too busy getting counting how many times I have said "*kitten*" and not listening to what I say, then it's no wonder you think people like that aren't capable of "properly" expressing themselves.
It's one thing if you just don't like something since it doesn't jive with your choice of how to live your life, but judging and attacking someone's character or level of intelligence based on silly words? What happens if I were to use the wrong fork? GASP. The horror.0 -
Well to me, I think that people that judge someone based on "social training" instead of their actual actions and personality shows me they lack character. Instead of being aware that YOU have been socially programmed to think that sh1t is anything different than poop is ridiculous. Is dropping an f-bomb in a business setting inappropriate? Sure, but not on a casual date where you are swapping stories and likely getting passionate about the conversation. Darn and damn….so close, but yet one is profanity. You were socially programmed to think that, just like in some areas men are programmed to think your job is to open doors and be chivalrous.
I don’t care if a woman drops an f-bomb, that doesn’t mean she is a bad woman. I care about her being honest and faithful if we are in a relationship. I care about her being genuine and comfortable around me enough to be herself. There’s a difference between dropping an f-bomb in conversation and using one to disrespect someone in anger or insult.
“Did you have fun at the concert?”
“YES!! It was the best f**king concert EVER!” I have no problem with that what so ever. Being in the military and working blue collar for a while in my youth didn’t help matters, but seeing that people drink the Kool-Aid too much and buy into social training….I just laugh at the ‘sheeple’ that accept the societal norms pushed upon them instead of living by their own rules.
I get what you're saying, but I also understand Mike's point. Dropping an f*bomb every once in a while is normal I think, so I wouldn't judge anyone for it, especially since I do too! BUT, I do think someone who cusses a lot comes across as lacking the ability to speak with thought and resorts to cuss words because they don't know how else to express themselves, so I do get what Mike's saying overall.... I guess it's maybe perspectiveon how MUCH someone resorts to those words.
Then you don't get what he's saying - that judging someone based on their decision to cuss casually is a preconceived societal notion of "inappropriate". If you're too busy getting counting how many times I have said "*kitten*" and not listening to what I say, then it's no wonder you think people like that aren't capable of "properly" expressing themselves.
It's one thing if you just don't like something since it doesn't jive with your choice of how to live your life, but judging and attacking someone's character or level of intelligence based on silly words? What happens if I were to use the wrong fork? GASP. The horror.
I don't think anyone is sitting there and counting but to me when I subconciously start noticing someone that is swearing a lot it will put me off them. I swear and some times I go through phases were ever other word is *kitten* or *kitten*. There is a difference from saying "ah *kitten*, let's do that again" to "*kitten* yeah that was f*cking awesome let's f*cking do that again!"0 -
Well to me, I think that people that judge someone based on "social training" instead of their actual actions and personality shows me they lack character. Instead of being aware that YOU have been socially programmed to think that sh1t is anything different than poop is ridiculous. Is dropping an f-bomb in a business setting inappropriate? Sure, but not on a casual date where you are swapping stories and likely getting passionate about the conversation. Darn and damn….so close, but yet one is profanity. You were socially programmed to think that, just like in some areas men are programmed to think your job is to open doors and be chivalrous.
I don’t care if a woman drops an f-bomb, that doesn’t mean she is a bad woman. I care about her being honest and faithful if we are in a relationship. I care about her being genuine and comfortable around me enough to be herself. There’s a difference between dropping an f-bomb in conversation and using one to disrespect someone in anger or insult.
“Did you have fun at the concert?”
“YES!! It was the best f**king concert EVER!” I have no problem with that what so ever. Being in the military and working blue collar for a while in my youth didn’t help matters, but seeing that people drink the Kool-Aid too much and buy into social training….I just laugh at the ‘sheeple’ that accept the societal norms pushed upon them instead of living by their own rules.
I get what you're saying, but I also understand Mike's point. Dropping an f*bomb every once in a while is normal I think, so I wouldn't judge anyone for it, especially since I do too! BUT, I do think someone who cusses a lot comes across as lacking the ability to speak with thought and resorts to cuss words because they don't know how else to express themselves, so I do get what Mike's saying overall.... I guess it's maybe perspectiveon how MUCH someone resorts to those words.
Then you don't get what he's saying - that judging someone based on their decision to cuss casually is a preconceived societal notion of "inappropriate". If you're too busy getting counting how many times I have said "*kitten*" and not listening to what I say, then it's no wonder you think people like that aren't capable of "properly" expressing themselves.
It's one thing if you just don't like something since it doesn't jive with your choice of how to live your life, but judging and attacking someone's character or level of intelligence based on silly words? What happens if I were to use the wrong fork? GASP. The horror.
I don't think anyone is sitting there and counting but to me when I subconciously start noticing someone that is swearing a lot it will put me off them. I swear and some times I go through phases were ever other word is *kitten* or *kitten*. There is a difference from saying "ah *kitten*, let's do that again" to "*kitten* yeah that was f*cking awesome let's f*cking do that again!"
Like I said, that's totally fine if that's your preference. But it doesn't make them stupid or a bad person. If I'm out having a few drinks with friends and someone thinks I'm dumb because I said "*kitten*" too many times while discussing how fascinating genes are then that's cool, watch me not care. If they come up and tell me that my character is lacking or that I'm stupid, I'll speak up right back.0 -
What happens if I were to use the wrong fork? GASP. The horror.
:noway: I have no idea which one to use...but the cool thing is, they usually take one away at the nicer places...and I don't eat salad, so be detault, I have the proper fork left behind, lol. Most other places only give me one, so I guess it works out OK....0 -
What happens if I were to use the wrong fork? GASP. The horror.
:noway: I have no idea which one to use...but the cool thing is, they usually take one away at the nicer places...and I don't eat salad, so be detault, I have the proper fork left behind, lol. Most other places only give me one, so I guess it works out OK....
The rule of thumb is always go outside in for forks, but I always hope there is no more then 2 forks.0 -
What happens if I were to use the wrong fork? GASP. The horror.
:noway: I have no idea which one to use...but the cool thing is, they usually take one away at the nicer places...and I don't eat salad, so be detault, I have the proper fork left behind, lol. Most other places only give me one, so I guess it works out OK....
The rule of thumb is always go outside in for forks, but I always hope there is no more then 2 forks.
I'm okay if there are two forks as long as they are the same size. I call one "My fork" and the other my "emergency back up fork". Hahaha!0 -
It probably mostly depends on the context in which you swear, but if someone was swearing excessively - and in particular being completely oblivious to the context in which they swear - then I'd be worried about inviting them at a family events later down the line. To me, they would seem to lack tact or social skills, which can cause much embarrassment - like this guy in the other thread who just didn't get that it's not always OK to say the dirty jokes you want to say.Like I said, that's totally fine if that's your preference. But it doesn't make them stupid or a bad person. If I'm out having a few drinks with friends and someone thinks I'm dumb because I said "*kitten*" too many times while discussing how fascinating genes are then that's cool, watch me not care. If they come up and tell me that my character is lacking or that I'm stupid, I'll speak up right back.0 -
I don't go to work functions (such as holiday parties) because I hate the idea of not really knowing anyone there and having to chit-chat with everyone I vaguely know.
And I hate 3rd wheeling, 5th wheeling, etc. Nobody gets it when I say "I'd rather be alone."
I get it. I'm like this too. Unless I'm "working" where I feel like the networking will help on the job, I don't want to waste time being the outsider. Spending my free time pretending to like people and only making vague chit-chat seems like an immense waste of my time. I could be home on my couch snuggled up watching a movie, ya know?0 -
I am not so much shy as I have anxiety. Put a few drinks in me and I'm a friendly chatterbox, the world is awesome and everyone is interesting, neat and attractive!
The only thing other than that and some medication I have (for what I call "Special occasions") is just.... suck it up and do it. It has never helped me, but I've never regretted saying something - even if I get turned down.
That's me. And I'm chatty on forums and anywhere else I can type, too. But I don't have medication that works for me, unfortunately. I can fake it even when I'm feeling shy, but it's exhausting and people can tell I'm ill at ease. Sad, but it's just the way things are.
Kind of makes me want to drink more often than I should, though.0
