Paying for dates?
Replies
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I wasn't aware I was being harsh on women that are expecting their dates to be paid for.
Why do you think that poster was talking about you?
I took it as she was talking about how, in general, someone will bring up this topic and I'll say (or someone else will) that I expect guys to pay and then sometimes it seems like the women are more harsh than the men in insisting I'm wrong.
I think we should all take such things with a slice of "to each his own." Or, as my boss used to say, "It takes all kinds to make a world."
yep, janie is right... i was speaking in general. trust me kitsune had i specifically been talking about YOU i would have quoted you or specifically called you out.
but i still dont quite understand how exactly why another women being paid for/having doors held open for them/seats offered to them on crowded transportation etc becomes an insult to another woman? i would expect guys to take issue with it after all they are the ones who'd be paying or offering up their seats after a long day..
i do agree with janie that it's a cultural thing. my people have long since figured out how to balance family, job, femininity, etc in such a way that they are strong yet still treated like a lady by men and they dont have issues with being both.
granted the reasons behind that were extreme and shouldnt be replicated, but who knows maybe 100 years after women's lib most women will also figure it out
but really this issue isnt that serious. do what works for you and gets you the results you want.
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ITT: Women making excuses to cling to gender roles.
There's nothing inherently wrong with gender roles unless you are trying to force it on someone else. If a person is happy fulfilling a certain role and they find a person that is willing to do so as well then what's the problem?
It's about choice, that means understanding some people are going to be "traditional" and some people are not going to want to. The only problem is the people that whine about the other group "ruining things for everyone".
i agree with this . i have female friends who run the gamut on this topic. i know someone who's been married for like 15 years, has 2 kids with her hubby and he STILL pays for EVERYTHING! she even has a fulltime job so her money is hers to do whatever she wants with and his is to pay for everything including the kids and including if she were like "hey give me $$ to buy these shoes" :laugh: i also know women who split everything from date 1 regardless of who did the asking.
as my great granny used to say, there's a lid for every pot ...0 -
I don't mind paying my part. I was raised like that, to be independant but also appreciate what others can give me. It's also cultural (french canadian). If someone pays for me, it's their choice and i'll appreciate the gesture. If they don't, I won't be offended. Once in a relationship, i'll expect us to be at the same level where it's not always one person paying for everything.0
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of course guys pay
why wud i pay for a date
if u dont like me enough other guys do0 -
of course guys pay
why wud i pay for a date
if u dont like me enough other guys do
This is some honest *kitten* here... supply and demand.0 -
I understand what Janie is talking about when it comes to customs being different in the South. Many men here are offended if a woman offers to pay on a date because it suggests to them that she doesn't really consider it a date, she isn't really interested, etc. My brother even said to me once that he feels like a woman is devaluing herself by offering to pay when the man is the one who asked her out, as if she doesn't think her company is worth the price of a meal. So it can be really confusing when you grow up with that paradigm and then move to a place where men think you are a gold-digger if you don't offer to pay (or vice-versa, in Janie's case).
Men say women have different gender role standards when it comes to who pays for dates than in other areas of life, but so do men. For instance, I wear a skirt or a dress to work pretty much every day. And the guys who work in my building will bust a gut to beat me to the door so they can open it for me or offer to carry things if my hands are full. But if I happen to wear pants because it's cold outside, men are not nearly so helpful. There is an obvious difference in the way I get treated by men when I look feminine and girly, as opposed to when I look like every other woman walking around in black pants. Yet, on a date, I'm supposed to go all "Don't even think about doing a nice thing and paying for a dinner to which you invited me?"0 -
Ladies if you make equal to a guy you have been dating for awhile, what would be the justification for you not to contribute??
There is no justification for not contributing at all, unless that is what both parties have established they are comfortable with. I'm as old-fashioned as they come on this sort of thing, and even I do not expect to never contribute to the financial cost of meals, concerts, and other activities with someone I've been on more than a few dates with. I don't think respective salaries really factor into it, though. We're all adults. Dating and relationships cost money. Either budget for it, do things that don't cost very much, or stop dating.
But I believe men respect standards. On a first date, I expect him to pay. If he doesn't, I absolutely take it as a sign that he doesn't like me all that much. I also will not meet a guy anywhere for a date. If he's not willing to pick me up at my door, again, clearly I'm not that important to him. And that's fine. Different strokes, and all. But dating is a bigger deal to me than a text that says "Hey, I'm down at the bar with some buddies. Want to come hang out?" As a woman, if you don't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.0 -
Ladies if you make equal to a guy you have been dating for awhile, what would be the justification for you not to contribute??
There is no justification for not contributing at all, unless that is what both parties have established they are comfortable with. I'm as old-fashioned as they come on this sort of thing, and even I do not expect to never contribute to the financial cost of meals, concerts, and other activities with someone I've been on more than a few dates with. I don't think respective salaries really factor into it, though. We're all adults. Dating and relationships cost money. Either budget for it, do things that don't cost very much, or stop dating.
But I believe men respect standards. On a first date, I expect him to pay. If he doesn't, I absolutely take it as a sign that he doesn't like me all that much. I also will not meet a guy anywhere for a date. If he's not willing to pick me up at my door, again, clearly I'm not that important to him. And that's fine. Different strokes, and all. But dating is a bigger deal to me than a text that says "Hey, I'm down at the bar with some buddies. Want to come hang out?" As a woman, if you don't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
I agree with your entire first paragraph........however not at all on the second--the part about being picked up. This is because ALOT of people are involved with online dating, and I would NEVER let a date pick me up at home if I had met him through dating site......but I guess if you don't do online dating, the picking up would make more sense...........0 -
A LOT of people are involved with online dating, and I would NEVER let a date pick me up at home if I had met him through dating site......but I guess if you don't do online dating, the picking up would make more sense...........
I also wouldn't have a man pick me up at my place unless I already knew him from church, work, etc. I'm not even sure about a "friend of a friend." I know several ladies who were victims of sexual assault and this just scares me. It takes awhile before I can trust a stranger like that.0 -
Ladies if you make equal to a guy you have been dating for awhile, what would be the justification for you not to contribute??
There is no justification for not contributing at all, unless that is what both parties have established they are comfortable with. I'm as old-fashioned as they come on this sort of thing, and even I do not expect to never contribute to the financial cost of meals, concerts, and other activities with someone I've been on more than a few dates with. I don't think respective salaries really factor into it, though. We're all adults. Dating and relationships cost money. Either budget for it, do things that don't cost very much, or stop dating.
But I believe men respect standards. On a first date, I expect him to pay. If he doesn't, I absolutely take it as a sign that he doesn't like me all that much. I also will not meet a guy anywhere for a date. If he's not willing to pick me up at my door, again, clearly I'm not that important to him. And that's fine. Different strokes, and all. But dating is a bigger deal to me than a text that says "Hey, I'm down at the bar with some buddies. Want to come hang out?" As a woman, if you don't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
See now I have to say I disagree. But I'm probably waaaaaaay more laid back then you... However I would never let a unknown date pick me up from my house I'm more worried about how he drives then anything else. Besides perfect strangers should never know where you live.
Bedise whats wrong with hanging at the bar thats my favorite text to send to guys... Oh yea I break that rule too I totally invite guys out... Funny part is it works0 -
While I would like a man to pick me up at home, I'm comfortable with it because of the kids. Early in dating I tell them that I'm going to dinner with friends, or a some other function. I don't want them getting caught up in my dating life because at their ages they just don't understand the concept that well. Depending on where the man lives, I may drive to his house or we may meet at a parking lot, or just the restaurant we're going to. Just depends on how early into the dating it is and what we're doing that night. I've never had a man tell me he had issues with this. A lot have actually been relieved because it kept them away from any potentially awkward situations.
It usually only takes about 3-5 dates before we talk about him picking me up at the house. At that point, I'll walk out to his car because it takes a while for me to introduce men to the kids.0 -
As a woman, if you d'on't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
'Standards' are very subjective!! Personally I wouldn't let a stranger near my house on a first date. That's 'my' standard. I also wouldnt expect him to pay for the whole night. Again 'my' standard is that I dont take the piss out of men or expect freebies from strangers.
But then again, the types of relationships I have aren't built on if he can pick me up from home or if he's got enough money to support me. I'm pretty independent when it comes to my standard of living.0 -
What amazes me more isn't so much that women are pulling this kind of tricks (after all, women try to get as much as they can from men, they are like children... you have got to show them the limit)...As a woman, if you d'on't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
No, what really amazes me is that some men accept that. This is weird, as if you don't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
(yes, standards are indeed very subjective)0 -
What amazes me more isn't so much that women are pulling this kind of tricks (after all, women try to get as much as they can from men, they are like children... you have got to show them the limit)...As a woman, if you d'on't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
No, what really amazes me is that some men accept that. This is weird, as if you don't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
(yes, standards are indeed very subjective)
I set my standards at exactly what I want out of a relationship. Chill, fun, honest and uncomplicated. I don't need it to be higher, just to stay consistent hahaha.0 -
As a woman, if you d'on't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
'Standards' are very subjective!! Personally I wouldn't let a stranger near my house on a first date. That's 'my' standard. I also wouldnt expect him to pay for the whole night. Again 'my' standard is that I dont take the piss out of men or expect freebies from strangers.
But then again, the types of relationships I have aren't built on if he can pick me up from home or if he's got enough money to support me. I'm pretty independent when it comes to my standard of living.
^^^^ This. Absolutely all of this.0 -
As a woman, if you d'on't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
'Standards' are very subjective!! Personally I wouldn't let a stranger near my house on a first date. That's 'my' standard. I also wouldnt expect him to pay for the whole night. Again 'my' standard is that I dont take the piss out of men or expect freebies from strangers.
But then again, the types of relationships I have aren't built on if he can pick me up from home or if he's got enough money to support me. I'm pretty independent when it comes to my standard of living.
^^^^ This. Absolutely all of this.
I third this. Like I said earlier, it's not part of me, i'm independent and don't expect anything, I just let it go and see where this leads.0 -
What amazes me more isn't so much that women are pulling this kind of tricks (after all, women try to get as much as they can from men, they are like children... you have got to show them the limit)...As a woman, if you d'on't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
See, this is what turns my stomach... that although Flim was being sarcastic (I assume
), so many men believe women are out to "get them". Why is setting your standards gender specific? Shouldn't it be like the golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated? 0 -
While I would like a man to pick me up at home, I'm comfortable with it because of the kids. Early in dating I tell them that I'm going to dinner with friends, or a some other function. I don't want them getting caught up in my dating life because at their ages they just don't understand the concept that well. Depending on where the man lives, I may drive to his house or we may meet at a parking lot, or just the restaurant we're going to. Just depends on how early into the dating it is and what we're doing that night. I've never had a man tell me he had issues with this. A lot have actually been relieved because it kept them away from any potentially awkward situations.
It usually only takes about 3-5 dates before we talk about him picking me up at the house. At that point, I'll walk out to his car because it takes a while for me to introduce men to the kids.
This!!
I would NEVER let a man pick me up at my house on the first date. What if you don't like him and he now knows where you live and is nuts? eek. Also, by the time I let a man (for me it's been around date 3 or 4) I go out to his car for the sake of my children like Mud said.0 -
Yeah... I was sarcastic.
See, this is what turns my stomach... that although Flim was being sarcastic (I assume
What amazes me more isn't so much that women are pulling this kind of tricks (after all, women try to get as much as they can from men, they are like children... you have got to show them the limit)...As a woman, if you d'on't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.), so many men believe women are out to "get them". Why is setting your standards gender specific? Shouldn't it be like the golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated?0 -
A LOT of people are involved with online dating, and I would NEVER let a date pick me up at home if I had met him through dating site......but I guess if you don't do online dating, the picking up would make more sense...........
I also wouldn't have a man pick me up at my place unless I already knew him from church, work, etc. I'm not even sure about a "friend of a friend." I know several ladies who were victims of sexual assault and this just scares me. It takes awhile before I can trust a stranger like that.
Of course I would never suggest letting a man you've never met and know virtually nothing about pick you up at your home. I just don't go on dates with guys I've never actually met in person.0 -
This is where I differ from most women, apparently ... I would never in a million years go on a date with a "perfect stranger." I date men I've actually gotten to know on some level and whose company I already enjoy. If I don't feel comfortable with a man knowing where I live, why in God's name would I agree to spend an evening with him? Besides, if a guy knows your name and he really wants to kill you and wear your skin as a Halloween costume, he can get your address within a matter of seconds. I suppose it helps that I have a concealed carry permit and have a gun on me pretty much 24/7, but yeah, if there is any concern at all about my safety, I'm not going out with him.
And I understand why you wouldn't want a man coming to your house right away if you have children. I don't have kids, so not an issue for me.
And I'm not saying standards aren't subjective. In fact, that's exactly my point ... you have to decide what you're comfortable with and not let your peers dictate what is and isn't acceptable because in the end, you're looking for someone who suits YOU, not someone whose ideals and values are more compatible with someone else. If you like hanging out at the bar with a guy and his friends, then go for it. That is not my idea of a date, though. That's what I do with friends, not gentlemen I'm trying to get to know on a romantic level. I prefer to date guys who consider a "date" to be a one-on-one activity, at least until we are in a relationship and have started integrating our friendships.
I also don't view being "financially independent" as something that extends to social scenarios. If I have a dinner party, I don't expect my friends to bring cash with them just because they have good jobs and plenty of money. They may bring a bottle of wine, but that's to thank me for inviting them, not because they feel some financial obligation to contribute. Why is dating any different? Paying for my own meal doesn't prove I am financially independent. Anybody can throw down a credit card and pay for dinner. Having my own home, my own car, and paying my own bills proves I am financially independent. Women who are gold-diggers typically don't have any of those things.0 -
This is where I differ from most women, apparently ... I would never in a million years go on a date with a "perfect stranger." I date men I've actually gotten to know on some level and whose company I already enjoy. If I don't feel comfortable with a man knowing where I live, why in God's name would I agree to spend an evening with him? Besides, if a guy knows your name and he really wants to kill you and wear your skin as a Halloween costume, he can get your address within a matter of seconds. I suppose it helps that I have a concealed carry permit and have a gun on me pretty much 24/7, but yeah, if there is any concern at all about my safety, I'm not going out with him.
Welcome back to the board! I was going to comment on why you feel you need to carry a gun 24/7 but I'm just going to let it go because I don't really care to get into a gun debate.
But pertaining more to the topic at hand, how do you get to the point where you feel comfortable enough to go out on a date with someone without actually going out with them. Telephone? Email? Just curious because a lot of us are past the point where we can date friends of friends or people we already know. Thus, anyone we have just met that could be a dating prospect is still a perfect stranger.0 -
I suppose it helps that I have a concealed carry permit and have a gun on me pretty much 24/7, but yeah, if there is any concern at all about my safety, I'm not going out with him.
You just got like... 12X more sexy.0 -
I suppose it helps that I have a concealed carry permit and have a gun on me pretty much 24/7, but yeah, if there is any concern at all about my safety, I'm not going out with him.
You just got like... 12X more sexy.
Oh how I love guns!!!0 -
I suppose it helps that I have a concealed carry permit and have a gun on me pretty much 24/7, but yeah, if there is any concern at all about my safety, I'm not going out with him.
You just got like... 12X more sexy.
Oh how I love guns!!!
I wish I lived in a place that was more gun friendly. CA is a bitch about them.0 -
I suppose it helps that I have a concealed carry permit and have a gun on me pretty much 24/7, but yeah, if there is any concern at all about my safety, I'm not going out with him.
You just got like... 12X more sexy.
Oh how I love guns!!!
I wish I lived in a place that was more gun friendly. CA is a bitch about them.
So is Minnesota... they are trying to lower clips to under 10 bullets.... anyone that would purpose this has clearly never shot a gun. Plus they want to make it a felony to own a clip over ten bullets... guess I'm a felon.0 -
But pertaining more to the topic at hand, how do you get to the point where you feel comfortable enough to go out on a date with someone without actually going out with them. Telephone? Email? Just curious because a lot of us are past the point where we can date friends of friends or people we already know. Thus, anyone we have just met that could be a dating prospect is still a perfect stranger.
Well, I guess I do some things that y'all might consider "dating," but I really don't. For instance, I met a guy doing jury duty once. We talked for an hour so while we were waiting. He asked if he could give me his phone number. I said yes, and I called him a week later and asked if he wanted to go to a baseball game. So we did stuff like that a couple of times, and I flirted here and there so he would know I had not put him in the friend zone. Then he called me and said he'd like to go on a real date, so we did.
That sort of thing happens to me a lot ... I meet a guy somewhere, we talk for a bit, he asks for my number or gives me his, we hang out in a non-dating context, and either he asks me out or we just continue to be friends. I am just not comfortable with the online dating thing or even being fixed up. The last time I was fixed up, two of my friends promised me the guy was perfect for me, so my guard was down immediately, and everything about him that would've been a red flag to me normally, I ignored because people whose opinions I trusted told me he was a great guy. Well, he turned out to be the only guy I've ever dated who I can truly say was not a good guy. I feel like I have great instincts about men, so I choose my own dates these days.0 -
Detroit loves guns apparently. People get shot all the time here.I suppose it helps that I have a concealed carry permit and have a gun on me pretty much 24/7, but yeah, if there is any concern at all about my safety, I'm not going out with him.
You just got like... 12X more sexy.
Oh how I love guns!!!
I wish I lived in a place that was more gun friendly. CA is a bitch about them.0 -
Detroit loves guns apparently. People get shot all the time here.I suppose it helps that I have a concealed carry permit and have a gun on me pretty much 24/7, but yeah, if there is any concern at all about my safety, I'm not going out with him.
You just got like... 12X more sexy.
Oh how I love guns!!!
I wish I lived in a place that was more gun friendly. CA is a bitch about them.
The local paper did a study in Minneapolis a few years back to see if most violent criminals were native MN or from elsewhere... believe it or not they found a large number were transplants from Detroit and Chicago0 -
.I suppose it helps that I have a concealed carry permit and have a gun on me pretty much 24/7, but yeah, if there is any concern at all about my safety, I'm not going out with him.
You just got like... 12X more sexy.
Oh how I love guns!!!
I wish I lived in a place that was more gun friendly. CA is a bitch about them.
So is Minnesota... they are trying to lower clips to under 10 bullets.... anyone that would purpose this has clearly never shot a gun. Plus they want to make it a felony to own a clip over ten bullets... guess I'm a felon.
That's already true here, though if you already owned one you're grandfathered in. So it's more like it's just illegal to see/buy them here. People just buy them out of state XD0
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