Paying for dates?
Replies
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I thought you have said in past that you make a really good salary.
What difference does that make?
I do make a good salary, but for the last 4 (and the next 2) most of it goes every month into paying down massively huge divorce debt. I am currently living on a budget less than what I was making when I first entered the military.
And, to Florian's point: Yes! I am both high-maintenance AND traditional at home. I own it. The funny thing is, as much as I hear the men on this forum complain about women like me, MORE guys like me since I stopped being so bland and feminist and became more girly and high-maintenance. If what I was doing didn't work, I'd change. But I'm firmly of the opinion "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."0 -
all i can say to that is some of those women are clearly projecting their own issues onto others. if another women expects to have her first dates paid for (and is able to get that
) then how exactly does that have an impact on your life unless there's some amount of sour grapes going on.
What are you talking about?
I interpret this to mean: why are you so harsh on women who expect dates paid for? If you have another, better, way, then what's it to you? Live and let live. Or are you just bitter because it works for someone and not you. Some of the women here have said their way works for them. Great. My way has been working for me.
I'll let you gals in on a secret: Back in college (and, admittedly, the first couple months I became single again). I was the kind of woman who refused to let a man do anything for me. If he offered to open my door, I'd say, "Tha'ts ok, I've got it." If he offered to pay my way somewhere or help me with my bag, I'd insist I didn't need his help. That's the way I was raised: You don't need a man. When I moved to the south, I bought a bunch of books about "southern females" and one them was "What Southern Women Know About Flirting." It totally opened my eyes about how today's (especially "northern") women refuse to let a man do little things for them and how they cut down his male ego a tiny little bit by being so harsh. These women don't think they're being harsh, but that's how it feels to many men. The author called this "being receptive" and said (along with learning to smile at men you see), learning to be comfortable with "receiving" gifts, service, protection, and such from a man will open up a world of opportunity.0 -
all i can say to that is some of those women are clearly projecting their own issues onto others. if another women expects to have her first dates paid for (and is able to get that ) then how exactly does that have an impact on your life unless there's some amount of sour grapes going on.
What are you talking about?
I interpret this to mean: why are you so harsh on women who expect dates paid for? If you have another, better, way, then what's it to you? Live and let live. Or are you just bitter because it works for someone and not you. Some of the women here have said their way works for them. Great. My way has been working for me.
I'll let you gals in on a secret: Back in college (and, admittedly, the first couple months I became single again). I was the kind of woman who refused to let a man do anything for me. If he offered to open my door, I'd say, "Tha'ts ok, I've got it." If he offered to pay my way somewhere or help me with my bag, I'd insist I didn't need his help. That's the way I was raised: You don't need a man. When I moved to the south, I bought a bunch of books about "southern females" and one them was "What Southern Women Know About Flirting." It totally opened my eyes about how today's (especially "northern") women refuse to let a man do little things for them and how they cut down his male ego a tiny little bit by being so harsh. These women don't think they're being harsh, but that's how it feels to many men. The author called this "being receptive" and said (along with learning to smile at men you see), learning to be comfortable with "receiving" gifts, service, protection, and such from a man will open up a world of opportunity.
I wasn't aware I was being harsh on women that are expecting their dates to be paid for. The only thing I think that came close is when you made the Chipotle comment and I laughed. I'll be honest, that struck me as an incredibly strange thing to complain about, until you offered more info and it made sense. If that makes me harsh or gives the impression of sour grapes so be it. It's true, this doesn't have an impact on my life. But we're here discussing expectations of date paying in a relationship and we're being accused of being "jealous" because we dare not agree?0 -
I wasn't aware I was being harsh on women that are expecting their dates to be paid for.
Why do you think that poster was talking about you?
I took it as she was talking about how, in general, someone will bring up this topic and I'll say (or someone else will) that I expect guys to pay and then sometimes it seems like the women are more harsh than the men in insisting I'm wrong.
I think we should all take such things with a slice of "to each his own." Or, as my boss used to say, "It takes all kinds to make a world."0 -
I wasn't aware I was being harsh on women that are expecting their dates to be paid for.
Why do you think that poster was talking about you?
I took it as she was talking about how, in general, someone will bring up this topic and I'll say (or someone else will) that I expect guys to pay and then sometimes it seems like the women are more harsh than the men in insisting I'm wrong.
I think we should all take such things with a slice of "to each his own." Or, as my boss used to say, "It takes all kinds to make a world."
Because you responded to me and said " why are you so harsh on women who expect dates paid for? If you have another, better, way, then what's it to you? Live and let live. Or are you just bitter because it works for someone and not you.". I took it to mean me specifically but I'm guessing now you mean "you" as more arbitrary undefined person.0 -
ITT: Women making excuses to cling to gender roles.0
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ITT: Women making excuses to cling to gender roles.
There's nothing inherently wrong with gender roles unless you are trying to force it on someone else. If a person is happy fulfilling a certain role and they find a person that is willing to do so as well then what's the problem?
It's about choice, that means understanding some people are going to be "traditional" and some people are not going to want to. The only problem is the people that whine about the other group "ruining things for everyone".0 -
I contribute here and there with the bf. I'll bring him lunch sometimes, or cook him dinner with groceries I bought but I'd say about 95% of the time, he pays.
I'm a broke student. He's a pilot (just made captain) so he does well. And fortunately for me, we are definitely into old fashioned gender roles (that's what I want). He definitely wears the pants!! I love it!!
I am also one who expects the guy to pay when casually dating. I'll contribute if we are in a relationship though. I agree with what JJ said. We do things for each that we enjoy. For example, I'm very very physically affectionate with my bf (massages) and he adores that. It's sort of my pay off to him.
I don't know... Works for us. He doesn't mind paying, I don't mind massaging him. He doesn't mind ordering for us, I don't mind eating what he ordered. He doesn't mind making ice tea (because his is better) and I don't mind making the pancakes because mine come out in perfect circles. 0 -
That's why I like you! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:And, to Florian's point: Yes! I am both high-maintenance AND traditional at home. I own it. The funny thing is, as much as I hear the men on this forum complain about women like me, MORE guys like me since I stopped being so bland and feminist and became more girly and high-maintenance. If what I was doing didn't work, I'd change. But I'm firmly of the opinion "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Imagine if we were trying to date, I think we would have the worse date ever... but would definitely be up for listening to your stories as they seem miles away from my reality! 0 -
Imagine if we were trying to date, I think we would have the worse date ever... but would definitely be up for listening to your stories as they seem miles away from my reality!
Tru dat on both sides...tell you what, I gotta pass thru London on my way back home so we'll meet up and you can show me how different dating is over there.
And since it's not a date, lol, I'll pay0 -
I wasn't aware I was being harsh on women that are expecting their dates to be paid for.
Why do you think that poster was talking about you?
I took it as she was talking about how, in general, someone will bring up this topic and I'll say (or someone else will) that I expect guys to pay and then sometimes it seems like the women are more harsh than the men in insisting I'm wrong.
I think we should all take such things with a slice of "to each his own." Or, as my boss used to say, "It takes all kinds to make a world."
yep, janie is right... i was speaking in general. trust me kitsune had i specifically been talking about YOU i would have quoted you or specifically called you out.
but i still dont quite understand how exactly why another women being paid for/having doors held open for them/seats offered to them on crowded transportation etc becomes an insult to another woman? i would expect guys to take issue with it after all they are the ones who'd be paying or offering up their seats after a long day..
i do agree with janie that it's a cultural thing. my people have long since figured out how to balance family, job, femininity, etc in such a way that they are strong yet still treated like a lady by men and they dont have issues with being both.
granted the reasons behind that were extreme and shouldnt be replicated, but who knows maybe 100 years after women's lib most women will also figure it out
but really this issue isnt that serious. do what works for you and gets you the results you want.
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ITT: Women making excuses to cling to gender roles.
There's nothing inherently wrong with gender roles unless you are trying to force it on someone else. If a person is happy fulfilling a certain role and they find a person that is willing to do so as well then what's the problem?
It's about choice, that means understanding some people are going to be "traditional" and some people are not going to want to. The only problem is the people that whine about the other group "ruining things for everyone".
i agree with this . i have female friends who run the gamut on this topic. i know someone who's been married for like 15 years, has 2 kids with her hubby and he STILL pays for EVERYTHING! she even has a fulltime job so her money is hers to do whatever she wants with and his is to pay for everything including the kids and including if she were like "hey give me $$ to buy these shoes" :laugh: i also know women who split everything from date 1 regardless of who did the asking.
as my great granny used to say, there's a lid for every pot ...0 -
I don't mind paying my part. I was raised like that, to be independant but also appreciate what others can give me. It's also cultural (french canadian). If someone pays for me, it's their choice and i'll appreciate the gesture. If they don't, I won't be offended. Once in a relationship, i'll expect us to be at the same level where it's not always one person paying for everything.0
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of course guys pay
why wud i pay for a date
if u dont like me enough other guys do0 -
of course guys pay
why wud i pay for a date
if u dont like me enough other guys do
This is some honest *kitten* here... supply and demand.0 -
I understand what Janie is talking about when it comes to customs being different in the South. Many men here are offended if a woman offers to pay on a date because it suggests to them that she doesn't really consider it a date, she isn't really interested, etc. My brother even said to me once that he feels like a woman is devaluing herself by offering to pay when the man is the one who asked her out, as if she doesn't think her company is worth the price of a meal. So it can be really confusing when you grow up with that paradigm and then move to a place where men think you are a gold-digger if you don't offer to pay (or vice-versa, in Janie's case).
Men say women have different gender role standards when it comes to who pays for dates than in other areas of life, but so do men. For instance, I wear a skirt or a dress to work pretty much every day. And the guys who work in my building will bust a gut to beat me to the door so they can open it for me or offer to carry things if my hands are full. But if I happen to wear pants because it's cold outside, men are not nearly so helpful. There is an obvious difference in the way I get treated by men when I look feminine and girly, as opposed to when I look like every other woman walking around in black pants. Yet, on a date, I'm supposed to go all "Don't even think about doing a nice thing and paying for a dinner to which you invited me?"0 -
Ladies if you make equal to a guy you have been dating for awhile, what would be the justification for you not to contribute??
There is no justification for not contributing at all, unless that is what both parties have established they are comfortable with. I'm as old-fashioned as they come on this sort of thing, and even I do not expect to never contribute to the financial cost of meals, concerts, and other activities with someone I've been on more than a few dates with. I don't think respective salaries really factor into it, though. We're all adults. Dating and relationships cost money. Either budget for it, do things that don't cost very much, or stop dating.
But I believe men respect standards. On a first date, I expect him to pay. If he doesn't, I absolutely take it as a sign that he doesn't like me all that much. I also will not meet a guy anywhere for a date. If he's not willing to pick me up at my door, again, clearly I'm not that important to him. And that's fine. Different strokes, and all. But dating is a bigger deal to me than a text that says "Hey, I'm down at the bar with some buddies. Want to come hang out?" As a woman, if you don't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.0 -
Ladies if you make equal to a guy you have been dating for awhile, what would be the justification for you not to contribute??
There is no justification for not contributing at all, unless that is what both parties have established they are comfortable with. I'm as old-fashioned as they come on this sort of thing, and even I do not expect to never contribute to the financial cost of meals, concerts, and other activities with someone I've been on more than a few dates with. I don't think respective salaries really factor into it, though. We're all adults. Dating and relationships cost money. Either budget for it, do things that don't cost very much, or stop dating.
But I believe men respect standards. On a first date, I expect him to pay. If he doesn't, I absolutely take it as a sign that he doesn't like me all that much. I also will not meet a guy anywhere for a date. If he's not willing to pick me up at my door, again, clearly I'm not that important to him. And that's fine. Different strokes, and all. But dating is a bigger deal to me than a text that says "Hey, I'm down at the bar with some buddies. Want to come hang out?" As a woman, if you don't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
I agree with your entire first paragraph........however not at all on the second--the part about being picked up. This is because ALOT of people are involved with online dating, and I would NEVER let a date pick me up at home if I had met him through dating site......but I guess if you don't do online dating, the picking up would make more sense...........0 -
A LOT of people are involved with online dating, and I would NEVER let a date pick me up at home if I had met him through dating site......but I guess if you don't do online dating, the picking up would make more sense...........
I also wouldn't have a man pick me up at my place unless I already knew him from church, work, etc. I'm not even sure about a "friend of a friend." I know several ladies who were victims of sexual assault and this just scares me. It takes awhile before I can trust a stranger like that.0 -
Ladies if you make equal to a guy you have been dating for awhile, what would be the justification for you not to contribute??
There is no justification for not contributing at all, unless that is what both parties have established they are comfortable with. I'm as old-fashioned as they come on this sort of thing, and even I do not expect to never contribute to the financial cost of meals, concerts, and other activities with someone I've been on more than a few dates with. I don't think respective salaries really factor into it, though. We're all adults. Dating and relationships cost money. Either budget for it, do things that don't cost very much, or stop dating.
But I believe men respect standards. On a first date, I expect him to pay. If he doesn't, I absolutely take it as a sign that he doesn't like me all that much. I also will not meet a guy anywhere for a date. If he's not willing to pick me up at my door, again, clearly I'm not that important to him. And that's fine. Different strokes, and all. But dating is a bigger deal to me than a text that says "Hey, I'm down at the bar with some buddies. Want to come hang out?" As a woman, if you don't set your standards higher than that from the very beginning, that's exactly how you will be treated for the duration of the relationship.
See now I have to say I disagree. But I'm probably waaaaaaay more laid back then you... However I would never let a unknown date pick me up from my house I'm more worried about how he drives then anything else. Besides perfect strangers should never know where you live.
Bedise whats wrong with hanging at the bar thats my favorite text to send to guys... Oh yea I break that rule too I totally invite guys out... Funny part is it works0
