First Date Rules

jkandktmom

I had a first date a couple of weeks ago that was last minute we both had a night with no kids he asked what I wanted to do, and although I felt a little silly I told him I would love to go to a sport's bar and watch the NASCAR race- it was a Saturday race. He told me later that although he wasn't really into racing he loved that I had an idea on what to do. We also spent a fair amount of time making out in my car like teenagers. It was pretty great!

whierd

I'd invite yoovie to the gym and try to get her to set a deadlift PR.

whierd

I had a first date a couple of weeks ago that was last minute we both had a night with no kids he asked what I wanted to do, and although I felt a little silly I told him I would love to go to a sport's bar and watch the NASCAR race- it was a Saturday race. He told me later that although he wasn't really into racing he loved that I had an idea on what to do. We also spent a fair amount of time making out in my car like teenagers. It was pretty great!

And that is what my point was. Despite not really liking NASCAR, he went because YOU enjoyed it and he just wanted to spend time with you. Stepping outside of your usual comfort zone is a good thing.

yoovie

I'd invite yoovie to the gym and try to get her to set a deadlift PR.

so basically youd just be tagging along to watch me do what I always do? lol ok let me know if you wanna work in.

yoovie

I had a first date a couple of weeks ago that was last minute we both had a night with no kids he asked what I wanted to do, and although I felt a little silly I told him I would love to go to a sport's bar and watch the NASCAR race- it was a Saturday race. He told me later that although he wasn't really into racing he loved that I had an idea on what to do. We also spent a fair amount of time making out in my car like teenagers. It was pretty great!

And that is what my point was. Despite not really liking NASCAR, he went because YOU enjoyed it and he just wanted to spend time with you. Stepping outside of your usual comfort zone is a good thing.

Life is the constant adaptation to a changing environment. if your environment never changes, you never grow and you never change for better or worse and your experiences are limited to only what can happen in that strictly maintained environment. All legitimate evolution of personality and instincts beyond what happens in that tiny bubble is stifled.

Allowing yourself to be repeatedly exposed to new situations and expanding environments changes you into a person that has the experience and the comfort and the balls to go to even MORE new situations and environments.

In each of these level up phases, you meet more and awesomer fellow levelled up people.

Occasionally considering stepping outside of your rules and accepting that with every new experience, those rules should be revisited because you have again evolved, is necessary in order to give your brain and heart a fair chance at finding someone on par with you.

We cant keep the rules we made when we were 20 about dating and still live rigidly by them at 25, 30, 40, etc.

Roadie2000

Every time I've had a date to go watch a game or something, we usually spend most of the time talking and only watch about 5 seconds of the actual game.

I would probably never take anybody to a sporting event , movie, or concert on a first date. I prefer to get to know somebody and not do anything too time investing in case I don't like them.

But if a pretty girl asked me to do something I wasn't really comfortable doing, I would probably say yes and most likely end up having a really good time, because if I'm with someone I like it doesn't really matter.

JanieJack

It's all about what you want out of life. There are times I'm bummed about my weight or something about my ex (or even BB) but for the most part life is good. And I think my dating life was pretty successful, back when I was on the market.

I don't go to men's homes until I've gotten to know them (say a month or so) and certainly won't date a man who wants me at his house anywhere between dates 1-3. Better to leave him for women who are more open in that sense.

I don't go out on dates and make out with guys who call me at the last minute. Why? For one, I’m busy like that and two, I only enjoy making out in the context of a relationship. A man who only calls me after all other options have fizzled is not interested in a relationship. Not judging women who don't care and enjoy making out with whoever, but that's not me, and I suspect that's not Christine.

Not going to a man's house did not limit the amount of first dates I could get.

Not being more sexually open did not limit the amount of first dates I could get; it limited the amount of 3rd and 4th dates I got, but those were with men who weren't right for me anyway so I'm happy about that.

Sports and other interests also had nothing to do with first dates- because those dates weren’t at sports bars or events (though I like sports and that was definitely a plus in future dates)…they were dinner/lunch/coffee

So while I appreciate that everyone is trying to help Christine out, I think you guys are focusing on stuff that doesn’t really impact her getting asked out.

JanieJack

It's not always true that people who do less on dates or are "less open" or "more inhibited" don't get as many dates.

Everyone thinks life for girls like Christine would get better if those girls would just toss their romantic notions of kissing/making out being special out the window. If they would just loosen their boundaries and "live a little."

Well, I have the tightest boundaries of anyone I know and I live a LOT. In the 4 months between Allan and BB I went on 20+ first dates. I wrote about many of them here in this forum. None of those dates were last minute. None were at some guys house to "hang out." Not "lets meet at a bar to watch a game." The majority were dinner or lunch dates. Not too shabby for a religious single mom.

I suspect, for Christine, it's more about the vibe she gives off and the environment she's looking in and LESS about her being close-minded about activities and too prudish.


And also, what Roadie said:

Every time I've had a date to go watch a game or something, we usually spend most of the time talking and only watch about 5 seconds of the actual game.

I would probably never take anybody to a sporting event , movie, or concert on a first date. I prefer to get to know somebody and not do anything too time investing in case I don't like them.

But if a pretty girl asked me to do something I wasn't really comfortable doing, I would probably say yes and most likely end up having a really good time, because if I'm with someone I like it doesn't really matter.

MireyGal76

just so I feel like less of a snob... We did go on a second "date" ... To a local coffee shop after boxing. It was still before payday so I paid again, but I knew that ahead of time and didn't mind. I wasn't ready to write him off. The third "date" was also at the coffeehouse and he paid.. He wanted date 4 to be a weekend at my house.

Thing is, if there'd been chemistry and common interests between us, it wouldn't have been a problem... But over the course of the first three dates I learned that he: is a heavy smoker, does drugs, has 4 kids, doesn't have his own place, and can't drive his car because of unpaid tickets. That is not what I'm looking for in a partner. And it went no further than that.

yoovie

I don't go to men's homes until I've gotten to know them (say a month or so) and certainly won't date a man who wants me at his house anywhere between dates 1-3. Better to leave him for women who are more open in that sense.

What if it is for daylight bbq's with a group of people. Saying No I refuse to go to a man's house until we've been dating for a month - excludes this type of situation where you get to see what he is like around his friends and at his most confortable. This puts you both at a disadvantage for learning about each other in the first month. Women who are 'open' enough to go visit a guy at his pad and see who he associates with, will get to know their new guy much better than someone who says - Im not going to your house. Whether it is because of fear of violence or fear of moving too fast sexually - I think you are doing yourself a disservice of ruling out a building because there is a bed in it.

When I date, Im often shy and uncomfortable and feel better if I can just invite a guy over for snacks and drinks in the backyard. It doesnt mean he sees my bedroom or even goes near it. Visiting a person's home is not synonymous with being easy or putting yourself in jeopardy. If Im dating someone, he already passed the "Is he a rapist" test before he thought it would be ok to invite me over.

I don't go out on dates and make out with guys who call me at the last minute. Why? For one, I’m busy like that and two, I only enjoy making out in the context of a relationship. A man who only calls me after all other options have fizzled is not interested in a relationship. Not judging women who don't care and enjoy making out with whoever, but that's not me, and I suspect that's not Christine.

I suspect it might be different when you are living somewhere like I do where EVERYONE is busy and most of the severely awesome opportunities are hidden things that pop up at the last minute. Thanks to accepting last minute dates, ive been able to see some pretty incredible history, mind-boggling celebrity talent events and even fall in love. Just because someone was like - I need a drink. And I said - me too.

There is this stigma going around that if you accept a last-minute date, it means you are ok with being the final option and have nothing better to do that you wont drop for HIM.

I find it to be the opposite. For a last minute spontaneous date, I was the first one he called. If it's someone I really like, guess what, Imma put off my laundry til tomorrow, hop on my bike and pedal as fast I can to get there. I wont play the "Im worth more than that" game, because time with him is what I want, I wont pretend I dont want it because I didnt get enough notice. That's how I would behave if I didnt like him.

Not going to a man's house did not limit the amount of first dates I could get.

Sorry I didnt know this was about first dates, i thought it was just dates in general. Which means, if there is an entire venue you refuse to visit, it does actually minimize the number of dates youll go on. cause you just said no.

Not being more sexually open did not limit the amount of first dates I could get; it limited the amount of 3rd and 4th dates I got, but those were with men who weren't right for me anyway so I'm happy about that.

word.

So while I appreciate that everyone is trying to help Christine out, I think you guys are focusing on stuff that doesn’t really impact her getting asked out.

Well, nolachick brought up a topic for discussion and Christine added in some more things to talk about within that topic and while I know that she and I are not very similar - it doesnt mean that some of these things we are talking about arent relatable for other people in this group and it's easier to discuss these things all in one place instead of just making new threads everywhere. I hate feeling like, if we aren't trying to help one specific person do what the majority of people want them to do, then we aren't helping at all.

Sometimes we just want to talk about stuff and what it makes us think of an share our own experiences instead of simply focusing on one commenter's situation that they were asking everyone about.

yoovie

It's not always true that people who do less on dates or are "less open" or "more inhibited" don't get as many dates.

I dont know about 'doing less' I was only speaking about people who refuse certain KINDS of dates. and people who refuse to go on a date to a sports bar are actually limiting the kinds of dates they go on. Saying - I wont go to a sports bar for a date, literally is ruling out a date.

Everyone thinks life for girls like Christine would get better if those girls would just toss their romantic notions of kissing/making out being special out the window. If they would just loosen their boundaries and "live a little."

I dont appreciate this. You like to throw out general blanket statements that make it seem like we are judging her or being negative. I believe that making out with someone is very special. Im romantic. Im very very romantic. I believe that she should stick to her moral code and high standards 100%. Telling her that getting involved in lots of new things with no underlying dating agenda does not mean Im telling her to loosen up and live a little. I dont even think her life needs any improvement, I thought we were all just discussing how ruling out innocent, non-sexual activities as appropriate for dates can limit the quantity and variety of your dating experiences. how this is telling her to throw her desire for romance out the window boggles my mind. Im pretty sure you dont even read what I write before you start telling me Im wrong.

Well, I have the tightest boundaries of anyone I know and I live a LOT. In the 4 months between Allan and BB I went on 20+ first dates. I wrote about many of them here in this forum. None of those dates were last minute. None were at some guys house to "hang out." Not "lets meet at a bar to watch a game." The majority were dinner or lunch dates. Not too shabby for a religious single mom.

I hope you realize that it sounds like you just judged the **** out of women who do this because those things should be frowned upon. And Im not sure what your religion has to do with it since no one here is talking about sex outside of marriage or sex at all.

I suspect, for Christine, it's more about the vibe she gives off and the environment she's looking in and LESS about her being close-minded about activities and too prudish.

We were simply suggesting that if she looked in broader environments, she'd find more people. And no one called her a prude.

yoovie

I dunno why you think we are all morally bankrupt *kitten* who put out on the first date and accuse everyone who doesnt of sabotaging themselves, missing out on life and being too restricting. It's not all about sex and morals ffs, sometimes we really are just talking about basketball, MMA and pedicures.

nolachick

just so I feel like less of a snob... We did go on a second "date" ... To a local coffee shop after boxing. It was still before payday so I paid again, but I knew that ahead of time and didn't mind. I wasn't ready to write him off. The third "date" was also at the coffeehouse and he paid.. He wanted date 4 to be a weekend at my house.

Thing is, if there'd been chemistry and common interests between us, it wouldn't have been a problem... But over the course of the first three dates I learned that he: is a heavy smoker, does drugs, has 4 kids, doesn't have his own place, and can't drive his car because of unpaid tickets. That is not what I'm looking for in a partner. And it went no further than that.

ummm wow. I don't even know what to say to this. :noway:

u are definitely not a snob.

MissingMinnesota

just so I feel like less of a snob... We did go on a second "date" ... To a local coffee shop after boxing. It was still before payday so I paid again, but I knew that ahead of time and didn't mind. I wasn't ready to write him off. The third "date" was also at the coffeehouse and he paid.. He wanted date 4 to be a weekend at my house.

Thing is, if there'd been chemistry and common interests between us, it wouldn't have been a problem... But over the course of the first three dates I learned that he: is a heavy smoker, does drugs, has 4 kids, doesn't have his own place, and can't drive his car because of unpaid tickets. That is not what I'm looking for in a partner. And it went no further than that.

ummm wow. I don't even know what to say to this. :noway:

u are definitely not a snob.

Not a snob at all. Most of those are deal breakers for me as well.

whierd

just so I feel like less of a snob... We did go on a second "date" ... To a local coffee shop after boxing. It was still before payday so I paid again, but I knew that ahead of time and didn't mind. I wasn't ready to write him off. The third "date" was also at the coffeehouse and he paid.. He wanted date 4 to be a weekend at my house.

Thing is, if there'd been chemistry and common interests between us, it wouldn't have been a problem... But over the course of the first three dates I learned that he: is a heavy smoker, does drugs, has 4 kids, doesn't have his own place, and can't drive his car because of unpaid tickets. That is not what I'm looking for in a partner. And it went no further than that.

I don't think you were a snob at all. I am actually surprised you gave him a second amd third chance.

whierd

I'd invite yoovie to the gym and try to get her to set a deadlift PR.

so basically youd just be tagging along to watch me do what I always do? lol ok let me know if you wanna work in.

Why not? Something that is enjoyable and comfortable without a bunch of pressure. Plus a chance to show off and celebrate a little.

JanieJack

But over the course of the first three dates I learned that he: is a heavy smoker, does drugs, has 4 kids, doesn't have his own place, and can't drive his car because of unpaid tickets. That is not what I'm looking for in a partner. And it went no further than that.

I don't think you were a snob at all. I am actually surprised you gave him a second amd third chance.

Same here... all of these (except for the kids) would have been deal breakers asap. I think you're awesome for cutting him loose rather than clinging to someone just to have him.

RunIntheMud

So....yeah. I'm just going to bite my tongue on a lot of this.

I've had plenty of last minute dates. It's not about being a last option, it's about being flexible. For example, I had been emailing with a man. The first night he called, we had been on the phone for an hour and it was flowing great. Based on our conversation, I knew we were both free that night, so I mentioned that I'd like to go grab some coffee. We met an hour later. My thoughts were that it was better to talk in person than on the phone. I'm also a busy woman....I work full time and especially right now during baseball season, most of my nights are busy. There have been some nights where a game was cancelled because of weather and I ended up having a fun night out. I have also met men with similarly busy schedules. If he asks me out last minute and I want to go, I go. I don't judge him or jump to conclusions about who did he ask out before me. I sieze the moment and go with it.

Accepting a last minute date does not mean we are less of people, it means we are flexible and easily adapt to situations. It means we know what we want and we're not going to play games in getting it. If someone makes out on a first date, it means there was chemistry and they went for it. There's no reason to judge anyone for that.

jenbit

I dunno why you think we are all morally bankrupt *kitten* who put out on the first date and accuse everyone who doesnt of sabotaging themselves, missing out on life and being too restricting. It's not all about sex and morals ffs, sometimes we really are just talking about basketball, MMA and pedicures.

LOL ....

I was never saying that christine had to loosen up her morality or her lack of sex.. Thats her buisness. What I was saying is that because I broke basically every rule that some of the laides laid out here I went out last night and had fun.....I'm just saying if she concentrated a little less on the rules she might discover more things and have more fun .. It literally had nothing to do with sex lol

Oh and for a hoebag Im really running a dry streak lol

yoovie

I dunno why you think we are all morally bankrupt *kitten* who put out on the first date and accuse everyone who doesnt of sabotaging themselves, missing out on life and being too restricting. It's not all about sex and morals ffs, sometimes we really are just talking about basketball, MMA and pedicures.

LOL ....

I was never saying that christine had to loosen up her morality or her lack of sex.. Thats her buisness. What I was saying is that because I broke basically every rule that some of the laides laid out here I went out last night and had fun.....I'm just saying if she concentrated a little less on the rules she might discover more things and have more fun .. It literally had nothing to do with sex lol

Oh and for a hoebag Im really running a dry streak lol

I didnt mean you babe I totally agree with you about looking at each circumstance instead of only reacting positively to situations that fit inside your rigid rules from the very beginning.

whierd

Also, I don't speak for all men, but if I invite someone back to my house, it isn't necessarily so I can get in their pants. It is usually to chill, watch a movie, maybe have a drink, dazzle them with my cooking skills, or just talk in a place I feel comfortable.

jenbit

I dunno why you think we are all morally bankrupt *kitten* who put out on the first date and accuse everyone who doesnt of sabotaging themselves, missing out on life and being too restricting. It's not all about sex and morals ffs, sometimes we really are just talking about basketball, MMA and pedicures.

LOL ....

I was never saying that christine had to loosen up her morality or her lack of sex.. Thats her buisness. What I was saying is that because I broke basically every rule that some of the laides laid out here I went out last night and had fun.....I'm just saying if she concentrated a little less on the rules she might discover more things and have more fun .. It literally had nothing to do with sex lol

Oh and for a hoebag Im really running a dry streak lol

I didnt mean you babe I totally agree with you about looking at each circumstance instead of only reacting positively to situations that fit inside your rigid rules from the very beginning.

lol I know you didn't.. I feel like she meant us though so I was adding to your responce

yoovie

Also, I don't speak for all men, but if I invite someone back to my house, it isn't necessarily so I can get in their pants. It is usually to chill, watch a movie, maybe have a drink, dazzle them with my cooking skills, or just talk in a place I feel comfortable.

this is 90% of the case I have experienced. Everyone's broke, we want to shine and how off our best for someone we really like. Let's be comfortable and talk all evening and play video games and go for a walk with your dog.

yoovie

I dunno why you think we are all morally bankrupt *kitten* who put out on the first date and accuse everyone who doesnt of sabotaging themselves, missing out on life and being too restricting. It's not all about sex and morals ffs, sometimes we really are just talking about basketball, MMA and pedicures.

LOL ....

I was never saying that christine had to loosen up her morality or her lack of sex.. Thats her buisness. What I was saying is that because I broke basically every rule that some of the laides laid out here I went out last night and had fun.....I'm just saying if she concentrated a little less on the rules she might discover more things and have more fun .. It literally had nothing to do with sex lol

Oh and for a hoebag Im really running a dry streak lol

I didnt mean you babe I totally agree with you about looking at each circumstance instead of only reacting positively to situations that fit inside your rigid rules from the very beginning.

lol I know you didn't.. I feel like she meant us though so I was adding to your responce

gotcha gotcha!

EBFNP

As someone who is sexually conservative and inexperience, I don't think going to a man's house is off limits. I never had sex before, but the first guy I dated he invited me back to his place after we went to a coffee shop together. We talked for a few hours and learned a lot about each other. Hell, even the second time I went to his place and we talked for hours. If my intuition was wary of him, I would have never went to his house obviously. Heck, I thought we connected more during those times than we were actually out together.Obviously we are not together, but I don't think it had anything to do with the dating process at all.

whierd

Also, I don't speak for all men, but if I invite someone back to my house, it isn't necessarily so I can get in their pants. It is usually to chill, watch a movie, maybe have a drink, dazzle them with my cooking skills, or just talk in a place I feel comfortable.

this is 90% of the case I have experienced. Everyone's broke, we want to shine and how off our best for someone we really like. Let's be comfortable and talk all evening and play video games and go for a walk with your dog.

And that is what I would consider an awesome evening. Stripping away the pretentiousness of most first dates while comfortable, having fun and a little playful trash talking, some silliness, and a relaxing walk. I say that is an awesome way to get to know someone.

jenbit

Also, I don't speak for all men, but if I invite someone back to my house, it isn't necessarily so I can get in their pants. It is usually to chill, watch a movie, maybe have a drink, dazzle them with my cooking skills, or just talk in a place I feel comfortable.

this is 90% of the case I have experienced. Everyone's broke, we want to shine and how off our best for someone we really like. Let's be comfortable and talk all evening and play video games and go for a walk with your dog.

And that is what I would consider an awesome evening. Stripping away the pretentiousness of most first dates while comfortable, having fun and a little playful trash talking, some silliness, and a relaxing walk. I say that is an awesome way to get to know someone.

I've spent more time just going to someone house and hanging out ,playing videos games and marathoning T.V. shows then I can count.... You can learn alot about someone while they are in their house. People are much more themselves at home

yoovie

Agreed, I dont understand why 'hanging out at a guy's house' is so deplorable. Poor guys. Yall are not all sexually irresponsible violent predators out to damage our morals. Pretty sure yall are just really happy when a pretty girl that you really like wants to hang out with you just as much as you wanna hang out with her.

being able to get to know someone without stooping so low as to hang out with a man at his home, does not make anyone better or worse than anyone else.

BUT if you are the kind of person that doesnt want to get sexually involved with someone too soon and you know you cannot control your own impulses, or you dont have the self-control to say no if you are alone with him in his home, then by all means, scratch it off the list and dont put yourself in a situation where you'll drop panties faster than you would preder.

yoovie

prefer*

yoovie

Also, I don't speak for all men, but if I invite someone back to my house, it isn't necessarily so I can get in their pants. It is usually to chill, watch a movie, maybe have a drink, dazzle them with my cooking skills, or just talk in a place I feel comfortable.

this is 90% of the case I have experienced. Everyone's broke, we want to shine and how off our best for someone we really like. Let's be comfortable and talk all evening and play video games and go for a walk with your dog.

And that is what I would consider an awesome evening. Stripping away the pretentiousness of most first dates while comfortable, having fun and a little playful trash talking, some silliness, and a relaxing walk. I say that is an awesome way to get to know someone.

I've spent more time just going to someone house and hanging out ,playing videos games and marathoning T.V. shows then I can count.... You can learn alot about someone while they are in their house. People are much more themselves at home

plus you can see his style! his housekeeping skills! his movie and game collection! His cooking skills! his roommates or his dogs! how he is when he is relaxed and not under pressure to put on an awesome date in a room full of overdressed people!