The mind game
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No one really knows what will happen if you lose weight. I can tell you that going from near obese to a healthy weight that my doctor no longer yells at me about has had a number of positive effects on my life. Not a single negative one. Is it perfect? Hell no but then it never was. I absolutely look and feel better though. It gets tiring dragging that extra weight around.
You know what helps me drown out the noise in my head? Find a park, get outside on your own and talk a nice leisurely walk. Take a look at the trees. Every year those trees shed their leaves, look lifeless then bloom again. Let them inspire you.
Lastly, my mother and grandmother died in their early 50s. I turn 51 this year. This petrifies me. I'm not ready to check out damn it. I feel like I've wasted so much time worrying about what ifs and what others would think instead of living my life. I can't turn back time but I can make the most of today & tomorrow.
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Thank you all for your replies. The scale has been going up every morning lately despite doing everything right, so that's frustrating. I know some of you might think I'm in an unhealthy relationship and I should find better but I don't think that's it. I've been in unhealthy relationships, I know the difference. I was married for 10 years, I know what a loveless relationship feels like. I do think this man loves me, and I love him. We are at peace with each other, we're on the same side. He cuddles me last thing at night and first thing in the morning. We sit on the couch together every night, we talk and joke and share our time.
The problems we have I think are very much me. He is not a good communicator under stress. When I ask him straight questions he can't always answer how I'd like and I perhaps read too much into it. He seems to go blank. He withdraws when stressed. We have very different opinions on what's ok or not ok with the teenagers. He forgives them everything and punishes them for nothing (even stealing, and lying and being abusive and not going to school and taking off and drinking and smoking), and I think respect and decent behavior is not too much to ask. They are monsters and he is a kind person who is totally out of his depth with them. But 15 years of coddling has not helped. Me pointing that out does not help him cope. I tell him she should NOT get money to go out with friends, he says no to her, she screams abuse and generally terrorizes the whole house, and everyone's miserable (then she goes anyway). Whereas if she gets what she wants first off, she leaves the house, and there's no fight. I have raised two reasonably respectful teenagers of my own, and I struggle with his girls who are very spoiled and selfish, and don't know the meaning of give and take or the word NO.
For me openness and communication are very important, as is they physical connection. I tend to think there's something wrong with me if it's not there. But I think it's just possible that is the way he is. He had a very unhappy (abusive) marriage, and then spent 8 years on his own raising his kids, I think maybe he just doesn't know how to give as much of himself as I'd like. He does do things like spend the morning cleaning and doing washing because I've gotten upset that he's not responded to me on a Saturday morning (in the bedroom) - because he wants to make me feel better.
I need to learn that not everything everyone else does or says is about me. Even if it AFFECTS me, its not BECAUSE of me, if that makes sense.0 -
One last thing I did, and you're going to think I'm crazy, but it has freed me from that daily depression: I threw out my scale. I haven't weighed myself in a year. I found that my entire day was controlled by what happened to that stupid number every single day--up and I was blue all day; down and I was happy. But it never moved more than 10 lb up or down in 4 years!! So I decided I was done being controlled by that and chunked it. It's been amazing.
Thank you for your kind words. I know I can't throw out the scales though, If I get on them every morning I keep my weight under control. It's when I start avoiding them that I pile the weight on again. I think in my mind it won't be that bad when I do weigh myself and then I'm devastated to find I've gained 20lbs.totaloblivia wrote: »Big hugs @shai74 are you sure you *know* what your partner feels about you or your weight? My experience is that we can never really know another's thoughts...often they are our own thoughts projected onto the other person. I can really sympathize with your thoughts as I can often do the same kind of thing. I have found Byron Katie's books most helpful, especially "I need your love...is that true?". Good luck and hope you feel better about life soon.
I know I was 4kg heavier than I am now when we met. So pretty much the same. He used to want me every night. While I know that's not realistic long term, I'd settle for once a week. I honestly have no idea why he's so closed off in that department. He tells me that he withdraws when he's stressed, and his two teenage girls have been *kitten* from hell the last few months (if you can think of it, they've done it - short of getting knocked up so far) so it is understandable that he is stressed. I'm patient, understanding, supportive, I never yell or get upset or make it about me, even when his kids have blamed me for some of the stuff they've done. The insecure side of me says that regardless of what I consider "raising kids stress" (I have two of my own slightly older, I know - my 18yo daughter has a 2yo baby) if I was thinner, or someone else, he would still want me. The irony is, for the last two years of my marriage I didn't want my husband to touch me - at all. Now I'm starting to understand how that feels. Which is why I probably feel like it's a huge problem, because when I didn't want my husband anymore the marriage was over.
Big hugs, sounds like things are stressful for you as well - I only meant to suggest that he might have his own reasons for not seeking you out that are not connected to what you look like, smaller or larger. But I can see you know that yourself. When I'm stressed I just withdraw into myself and don't want to talk to my husband (sometimes I do and it helps) or touch him or anything. Usually the stress has nothing to do with how I feel about him or what he looks like. Can you focus on self-care and do things that help you deal with stress? Just wait and see, sometimes a bit of time does work things out without us having to solve everything. I do recommend the Byron Katie book though, but it's not for everyone.0 -
IamUndrCnstruction wrote: »Everyone here has already said pretty much everything that needs saying. I second, third, fourth and fifth the counseling and journaling.
I will say this, I have been at both ends of the spectrum, very fit at 5'10" and a size 8US, don't know how much I weighed as I didn't own a scale, and I have been obese at 240 and almost a size 20. At a size 8, I had smaller clothes and a lot of attention from guys (I'm gay, so this did me no good LOL), a crappy job, a dead relationship and doubt every. damn. day. When I was around 200, I was fronting a rock band, singing my heart out, had (still have) an awesome job, and still got attention from guys (oh well, it's still nice LOL). I had no doubt of my badassery. It's all about loving what you do in life and who you are and those around you. I am losing now for medical reasons, and yes, I have many doubts about myself again, but those now stem from the fact that my body will no longer do as I ask.
Please, get counseling. Being thin will NOT make you better. It just won't. Worse, you asked what will happen if you never reach thin.....well, then you will have wasted an entire lifetime where you could have been happy and fulfilled, chasing something that wasn't going to help you anyway. Life is too short for that dear. I know this the hard way.
I love every single word of this!!! ^^^ It is SO powerful!!!! I love seeing how a beautifully strong woman shows her truest strengths by sharing her weakest moments. (HUGS)AreteAndWhimsy wrote: »I really liked The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I eat up those sorts of books like candy because I like the whole "Know Thyself" mentality, but this was by far a game changer for me. It very clearly guides you through exploring your inner critic and and helps you very clearly take steps to break unhealthy habitual thought cycles. It especially tackles the myth of "if only I was x, I would be happy." If you're a reader and are brave enough to try some serious journalling, pick this up.
Thanks for this recommendation I will check this out too.
I'm not sure this will help but... for what It's worth, I feel just like you. and when I let that get the best of me, which is often, I gain weight.
Since meeting my partner I've gained 70lbs. Unfortunately he is NOT one of those guys who can appreciate a larger woman. He admits he is not attracted to me anymore. and so, there's not much going on in the bedroom. He says he still loves me, who I am and that's why we;re together but he says it's getting harder for him. Mostly though he says because he misses the things we used to do. I can't run with him anymore. I'm often tired and I always hurt. So where we used to walk from store to store, now I complain and ask if we can drive because my legs hurt.
Now this might sound bad, that he'll leave if I don't lose the weight, but it's an interesting situation because, that is who I was when I met him. That is who I want to be. That is where I'm happiest because I can do all those things. What it really means is my stress is under control and my thoughts and my mind are in a good place. My outward body is always a reflection of my inner body (mind). So weight loss for me is as much a mind game as anything else.
I know I don't have the answer for you, I don't think anyone does, but I just wanted you to know, I think this is unfortunately common. I think the mind game "is" the game. If we can't get the inside organized, the outside will always reflect that.
Sounds like there are many things that aren't working for you in your life. I'm not going to offer advise on what you should do about it, just that food is not the only part you need to focus on.
I sincerely hope you can find your way to happiness. I believe you create the happiness and then the weight loss will follow. No, I have no scientific evidence to back this up. Only personal study.
Hugs
My ex-husband was that way about not feeling attracted to me when I gained significant weight. Funnily enough, he had gained almost as much as I had, and it didn't really bother me, but I do understand that men are far more visually stimulated. That being said, when I got tired of trying to make him happy, I started getting healthier for me, and he literally came back begging. Got on his knees to beg literally. I told him I would not live the rest of my life without passion. He had no idea what I meant... He later thanked me for being harsh with him to leave no hope so he could move on (part of the inspiration had been the finality of things)...
Anyway, all that being said, sex appeal is as much how you feel and act as it is how you look. Even with visually-driven men. If you approach him in a desperate appeal, there is nothing attractive about it. If you go get some bad-@$$ lingerie that highlights your current best assets, then literally seduce him, it is incredibly hot and most men can't resist. But you have to be confident - even faking it until you make it, because that insecurity bit is a turn off to most men. I've seen 400 pound women with more confidence in their pinkies with men literally falling over themselves to be near them than with these hot little teeny-bopper, college types who are so insecure they try to fake it, and fail.
So a friend a while back had a challenge to look in the mirror and find one thing she could be happy about and love. Could be a smile, the sparkle in your eyes, the indent at her waist, whatever. She had to look at herself in the mirror every day and lavish herself with compliments on that one feature. Then, the next week, she had to add a second feature and repeat. It took her several months before she could move past the most topical traits, but she did get there, even though she felt fake about it at first.Thank you all for your replies. The scale has been going up every morning lately despite doing everything right, so that's frustrating. I know some of you might think I'm in an unhealthy relationship and I should find better but I don't think that's it. I've been in unhealthy relationships, I know the difference. I was married for 10 years, I know what a loveless relationship feels like. I do think this man loves me, and I love him. We are at peace with each other, we're on the same side. He cuddles me last thing at night and first thing in the morning. We sit on the couch together every night, we talk and joke and share our time.
The fact that he still cuddles you and jokes with you and doesn't avoid you is a GREAT sign. As you say, a lot of this is you getting hung up on stuff (and the teenager stuff is a huge issue, but sometimes we have to accept that we can't force change, stick to our own guns, and accept the fallout), so it seems like if you get right with you, there's a good chance other this will smooth out more easily. Wishing you LUCK!0 -
I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. I know we all have our demons to deal with otherwise we wouldn't comfort eat would we? I'm pretty sure no one WANTS to be overweight, and a lot of people get there by trying to fill a hole that won't be filled. We do it with food, and we do it with other people's approval.0
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No, no one wants to be overweight. Not everyone ties their self worth to their weight either. I am fat. Like, really fat. I look at pictures of myself and go 'Uhh...eww." But I am also stronger than most people I know, I am kind, I am funny (matter of opinion, I know) I have great skin and pretty eyes and can sing you Janis Joplin to bring a tear to your eye. My body is failing me right now, in a big scary way, so that brings a whole set of insecurities that I have never had to deal with....but even that doesn't take away from the above mentioned things (with the exception of it being much harder to sing).
What do you want from your husband? Have you told him exactly? What do you think is keeping you from losing the weight? Perhaps if you didn't dislike yourself so damn much you would let yourself lose it. Yes...I do believe we sabotage ourselves and that your very obsession with being thin is what is keeping you from getting there. Sorry if all this seems harsh, but it seems that you know all the answers and just want someone to tell you.....what??
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I put up a wall of fat to keep people out even though I just wanted the love and acceptance I never felt I had. I felt like I couldn't trust other because they would only hurt me. Then I met my husband and he loved me fat and all and tought me that I could trust people and didn't need to put up that wall. He never asked me to lose weight. I did that for me because I deserve it.0
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This was a great article in a UK newspaper today: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/may/07/unlovable-fat-body-image-weight-loss-life-gain
Just in general about weight loss and the "mind game"
Hope things are going better for you all xxx0 -
I think you have some repair work to do before you can be successful with your weight loss journey.
Excess weight starting in childhood can do some serious emotional damage. You simply must figure that out. Maybe get some help.
They you need to get a life of your own. What are you passionate about? Photography? Art? Writing? Crafts? Find out and give yourself that gift. Learn that maybe being alone can be less painful than in a relationship that isn't working. People stay for ALL the wrong reasons and for women it is often the fear of being alone.
Rubbish, I say. Simply rubbish.
Find someone to talk to. Really0 -
IamUndrCnstruction wrote: »No, no one wants to be overweight. Not everyone ties their self worth to their weight either. I am fat. Like, really fat. I look at pictures of myself and go 'Uhh...eww." But I am also stronger than most people I know, I am kind, I am funny (matter of opinion, I know) I have great skin and pretty eyes and can sing you Janis Joplin to bring a tear to your eye. My body is failing me right now, in a big scary way, so that brings a whole set of insecurities that I have never had to deal with....but even that doesn't take away from the above mentioned things (with the exception of it being much harder to sing).
What do you want from your husband? Have you told him exactly? What do you think is keeping you from losing the weight? Perhaps if you didn't dislike yourself so damn much you would let yourself lose it. Yes...I do believe we sabotage ourselves and that your very obsession with being thin is what is keeping you from getting there. Sorry if all this seems harsh, but it seems that you know all the answers and just want someone to tell you.....what??
Not harsh at all. I don't lack for confidence, there are alot of things I like about myself. I'm smart. I am a good person. I'm kind and supportive and yes, I can be funny, if you like dry sarcasm. I spend alot of time convincing people I'm all those things, I'm not just fat.
My partner knows what I want from him. We've talked about it. Or at least I have. I want things to go back to how they used to be. Since xmas they've been rubbish.
I don't think I wanted anyone to tell me anything. That's man thinking, I don't want someone else to fix it. I think I was just starting a discussion about how there's so much more to losing weight than just eating less. Part of the reason I think I'm so disgusted with myself is I know more about food and nutrition than most people, and I'm an intelligent woman, so why can't I just DO it ffs.0 -
annieboomboom wrote: »I think you have some repair work to do before you can be successful with your weight loss journey.
Excess weight starting in childhood can do some serious emotional damage. You simply must figure that out. Maybe get some help.
They you need to get a life of your own. What are you passionate about? Photography? Art? Writing? Crafts? Find out and give yourself that gift. Learn that maybe being alone can be less painful than in a relationship that isn't working. People stay for ALL the wrong reasons and for women it is often the fear of being alone.
Rubbish, I say. Simply rubbish.
Find someone to talk to. Really
Annie, I have a life of my own. I have a job, and friends, and a horse I ride regularly. I'm doing a degree in my "spare" time. I paint. I read. I am also a gamer. I am not glued to my partner all the time, nor do I need a man in my life to make me complete. I have been on my own. I divorced 6 years ago and spent 3 years on my own. I wouldn't say my relationship isn't working. We are very good together. I would say we are currently going through a rough patch due to 4 teenagers, and we are dealing with things differently. He withdraws, I need the comfort. I don't think giving up on a good thing at the first sign of real life pressures is the answer.
My mum is one of those "I don't need a man, I have a life of my own" types, but she has been alone for 15 years because she is a controlling b&*%(% and can't get along with anyone. But that's a whole other story. Happy mothers day Mum.0 -
Part of the reason I think I'm so disgusted with myself is I know more about food and nutrition than most people, and I'm an intelligent woman, so why can't I just DO it ffs.
This is exactly what that book tackles. I get SO MAD at myself because I know better (about whatever it is, not just food), and then I get these horrible self-anger spirals that are just exhausting mentally and fry all my willpower and self-image. It's an absolutely exhausting cycle. Having the tools in my arsenal to defuse that and put all that energy somewhere more constructive has been SO nice.
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Shai74, I can relate to much of what you are saying.
I think a large part of my problem is I'm a perfectionist. For example I look in the mirror and expect myself to look like I did when I was 20 and feel like I'm a failure because I've gained a lot of weight (and aged a bit) since then. Instead of focusing on the good things about my appearance I focus on what I perceive to be my "failures". Another way my perfectionism gets in the way is during the weight loss process. I might do really well on my eating plan for a few months, and then I mess up and gain a couple of pounds back. I get so discouraged and down about it that next thing you know I've given up. It usually takes months for me to get back to losing weight again and in that time I've gained most of the weight back.
So...personally, I need to work on the perfectionism issue. A slip up is not a failure. Losing 20 pounds and then gaining back 5 pounds on vacation is not a failure. I just need to keep going and keep trying. I'm blessed with a husband who still finds me attractive, even though I can't comprehend how that's possible at my current weight. So I think working on my perfectionism will help me with my relationship too.
Hang in there! 0 -
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Hey shai74,
Sometimes when men have a lot of stressors in their life they just don't feel very sexy or "in the mood". I know it seems ridiculous since society pounds it into our brains that they want it all the time, but it just isn't the case. I completely understand, because I've been there with regards to the relationship.
Just keep loving yourself and continue your journey. I know it's a long, hard road, but you'll get there as long as you keep at it.
Also -- "FOR THE HORDE!"0 -
Just wanted to note that low self esteem isn't just limited to weight problems. I struggled with it long before I ever had to worry about my weight.0
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Definately agree with deksgrl......many more things can affect self esteem apart from weight!0
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BookAngel_a wrote: »I think a large part of my problem is I'm a perfectionist.
Food for thought:
"We all have excuses for why we don’t get things done, why we haven’t gotten started, why we aren't getting ahead, etc., etc. One of the most common excuses I hear is, “I’m a perfectionist.” Perfectionists get can’t things done because if they aren't sure they’re going to do it just right, they’d prefer not to do it at all.
The problem with this is it takes responsibility out of your hands, which is not something a successful person wants to do. In your mind, you’re not getting ahead not because you’re lazy or afraid, but because it’s your personality. You have to wait until the conditions are perfect so excellence is guaranteed. The truth is, perfectionism stems from self-doubt and anxiety and while it may sound like a positive quality, it is largely unhelpful. So it’s best to ditch this excuse now and take a look at why you’re using this excuse in the first place."
http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:LAVBV0T8ZfYJ:www.bobbierobertson.com/perfectionist-2/+&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us
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Hey shai74,
Sometimes when men have a lot of stressors in their life they just don't feel very sexy or "in the mood". I know it seems ridiculous since society pounds it into our brains that they want it all the time, but it just isn't the case. I completely understand, because I've been there with regards to the relationship.
Just keep loving yourself and continue your journey. I know it's a long, hard road, but you'll get there as long as you keep at it.
Also -- "FOR THE HORDE!"
Lol! Most of my toons are Horde, I just faction changed my main back to Alliance coz friends
...and I've just lost everyone else who posted on my thread 0
