vhuber wrote: »

I have been having some MAJOR stress! My husband suffers from panic disorder & it has been bad. He HATES to take drugs & I am about at my wits end! If any of you are familiar with this can you give me some pointers?
I did get in 5 on foot & 11 on the ex bike since I last posted.

i'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a stressful time. I don't have specific experience with panic disorder, BUT I can share something I learned this winter that's really helped me. My son experienced some pretty intense trauma in the first 4 years of his life, and that has caused him to have some pretty serious behavioral issues (not all of the time, but when it happens, it's BIG). Some of his behaviors include physically attacking me and my husband, physically attacking other children, throwing hour+ long temper tantrums, refusing to sleep, refusing to comply with requests from adults, etc. He has a very powerful "fight or flight" response, and his instinct is to FIGHT.

I took a class this winter on parenting vulnerable children, and realized in that process, that I experience "secondary trauma" from his trauma. In other words, his trauma response is traumatizing me. I had classic symptoms: hyper-vigilance to avoid anything that might set him off, feelings of avoidance, anxiety every time I took him to a place where he was going to be cared for by others (e.g. the child care center at my gym), dread and anxiety every day when I picked him up from school, not knowing what kind of report I would receive about his day, etc.

Learning to recognize my own trauma, and then taking steps to become healthier myself, and to recognize my own "stuff" within the situation has been extremely helpful - recognizing what I can take responsibility for, and also what I can't. Part of that was learning to not parent from a place of shame (e.g. "what are people going to think of me because my son is acting out?" - wanting to explain that his behaviors stem from stuff that happened to him from before he lived with us - wanting to distance myself from his trauma... and then realizing that when I did that, I was distancing myself from his pain - when what he really needs is for me to sit with him in his pain, to help him process his pain, etc.). I am still learning and growing... but honestly, just recognizing that I was going through trauma was super helpful in me understanding what was happening, and then I was able to be less stressed out about it. It's hard to explain exactly HOW it happened, but something in me switched, and I've developed better coping skills, now. Usually. Although I still struggle. I dropped him off today at a summer camp and, even though I knew some of the adults there, I didn't know all of them, and I had to do some deep breathing and serious prayer when I got back into the car, so that I didn't start to feel panic and anxiety. And the day turned out super well for him!! YAY.

I wish you the very best as you navigate these tricky issues - and I hope that you are able to develop skills that are helpful to you in coping with the mess around you, the mess that affects you, and the mess that you contribute to (not purposefully, but simply because you're human and not perfect). Life is so incredibly complicated sometimes, and I hope that you're able to find some peace, even in the midst of the storm.