Where to start? I have an issue with food, (I guess that’s a good starting point if I am to write a post about my eating disorder). In fact I have a huge issue with food. I’ve had an issue with food my entire life. As you may or may not be aware I am trying to lose some weight for my forthcoming wedding on August 25th 2012, and to help me do this I joined MyFitnessPal.com. But It was my food diary that a lot of people took interest in because my diet was so limited. People would ask me why I just didn’t eat a wider range of food?

Whenever anyone asks me about poor diet, I don’t really know what to say. I have an eating disorder, which is more like a food phobia. I am scared of food, or to be more precise, I am scared of trying new food. Almost everything I eat, everything I ‘trust’, I’ve been eating since I was very little and I have never really ever strayed from these ‘safe’ foods. It is easier for me to list the things I do eat rather than the things I don’t it. If I had to make a sweeping statement on the things I don’t eat, it would be this;

“I don’t eat meat, fruit or vegetables.”

I don’t really know the cause of my eating disorder. Trying to find the answer is bit trying to find the killer in a “whodunit” murder/mystery. My family seem to point fingers at each other as to who is to blame. There are a few theories. One is it being down to me having cerebral palsy and due to this I was not able to suckle as a baby. Then there is a dramatic story of me being traumatised after being force-fed food when I was very young and having to eat my own vomit. Whatever the cause, my issue with food has affected my whole life.

Growing up with this phobia was difficult. I don’t think people realise how much they take food for granted. How it – food – has an impact on everything. During my school years my fear of food would cause me to panic about school trips, staying at friend’s houses for dinner, and I even remember having to miss out on my best friend’s birthday party because they held it at Pizza Hut. I couldn’t go out for the day unless I knew there was something I could eat when I got there. I just wouldn’t eat otherwise. This behaviour seemed to be socially acceptable as a child. One doctor told my mother that it would be something I would grow out of, but I never did. The older I got the more it affected me. I felt even more alienated then I did at school. I was embarrassed by my disorder. I never went out on dates, going out meant eating out and that was something I just didn’t do. I couldn’t travel. I couldn’t see the world, and because didn’t really eat anything I was also very underweight. I am 5′ 8″ and until I was about 25 years old, I weighed less than 8 stone (112lbs / 50.8kg).

It was around this time that I met a girl who didn’t try to change me but instead gave me options. For example she knew I liked cheese and she knew I ate plain pasta and asked if I ate macaroni cheese? For years I thought that macaroni was a vegetable and refused to eat it. I thought it was the same thing as cauliflower cheese. I had no idea that macaroni was pasta. She also introduced me to the plain cheese pizza. She phoned a take-away and asked for a margarita pizza without the tomato base. This was something I was too scared to do. What if they laughed at me? What if they ask why? What if they forget and it came with tomato? But she didn’t see my phobia as a problem, she would just help me work round it. She was great. She introduced me to more foods and because of her I put on a healthy weight, but I knew my diet wasn’t a healthy one.

My weight has been up and down ever since, and this normally depends on if I am in a relationship or not. I don’t really have a love for food, I hate cookery programs. I see food as more as a necessity rather than a pleasure. When I was single I would forget to eat, I don’t think I really register hunger. Buying food just seemed like a chore. I would buy food like bread. Forget to eat it. It would go mouldy. I would throw it away, and the cycle would start again. So I would then stop buying bread. I would stop buying milk. I would stop buying things that had a short ‘best before’ date. I started to get back into old habits, but now because I wasn’t as young as I was it started to affect my health. Different girls I dated had different ways of dealing with my disorder. One would try to trick me into eating things I didn’t like by hiding things in my food. This didn’t go down well at all. Some chose just to ignore it and let me eat what I wanted. Then when I was about 30 I had one girlfriend who was very militant about fixing my diet. She was tired of me saying that I would to get round to fixing my diet one day. She wanted me to fix it now.

I talked to my GP who referred me to a nutritionist. The nutritionist made me keep a food diary, but made it very clear that she wasn’t a therapist and could only advise me on my diet. I saw a therapist who tried CBT, but it didn’t get me anywere. I looked online trying to find help for people with eating disorders, but I couldn’t find anything that related to me. I wasn’t bulimic. I wasn’t anorexic. It was like no one else had the same issue as me. Then I found a web forum called http://www.fussy-eaters.com/. The introduction to the forum reads:

We are an online community providing support and information for people with eating problems related to Selective Eating Disorder (SED) and Food Neophobia (fear of trying new foods).

I had finally found other people who had the same issues as me, and it was through this website that I was contacted by one of the producers of a program called Freaky Eaters. She sent me a set of questions for me to ask my friends and family about my food issues. She also asked me to make a small video diary of my eating habits, and to video myself trying new things, so thats what I did.

I sent them the videos, and the answers to their questionaires and they got back to me said they were interested in my story and would be in touch. I started to get my hopes up. I was finally going to be getting help. Real help. They started to interview my family, and friends, and then a few days later a camera crew arrived at my flat. It was now my turn to talk about my phobia. I was very nervous, but the woman interviewing me said I had nothing to worry about and she talked me through how it would work. This was just stage one. This was just the ‘getting to know me’ part. She would ask me a question and I would reply with that question and an answer. For example if she said; “What food do you like the most?” I would reply with “I think the food I like the most is..” etc. This was so they could remove the questions in the edit. The also filmed ‘cut aways’, which were just shots of my hands and eyes, and things they can use to edit my responses. They wanted me to talk a lot about pasta, the types of pasta I eat and how I just have it on its own or with cheese. No sauce. I became very aware that I was being pigeon-holed and that the name of my episode was probably going to be “Addicted to Pasta”. As things progressed I started to have concerns about how I was being portrayed on camera. I’m not addicted to pasta? I’m not a freak. I’m just someone who has an eating disorder, and one of the few foods I do eat is plain pasta. Then she asked me the question I dreaded the most. “What I thought caused my phobia?” I started to feel like I was on trial. They wanted me to point the finger. Point the finger on national TV as to who I thought was to blame for my condition. I started to worry about what my family had said on camera. Who did they blame? I answered the question the best I could. which is ‘I don’t really know what caused my phobia.’. She didn’t seem to be happy with that answer.

When the interview was over she opened a bag and brought out a carrot. She wanted to film me trying to eat it, raw. The camera focused on me. I couldn’t do it. She said this was brilliant. It shows I have a real issue. They wrapped up filming that day and said that they would be in touch about stage two. As soon as they had left I was on the phone to different members of the family with questions about what they had said to the film crew. Everyone was pointing fingers at each other. I got in touch with the producer and asked if I would see the program before it aired. If I had to give approval? She said that the first time I would see it was when it was broadcast. She told me that I had any worries and didn’t want to continue that it wasn’t too late to pull out. So I pulled out. I liked the idea of getting free help but was worried that the program might start a family feud. So that was the end of that.

Apart from getting over some of my anxieties, I haven’t made much progress since. I am too much of a stubborn person, but with my wedding fast approaching I have been thinking more about the future and how my diet is affecting my health. I also want to have children one day and I don’t want to pass my eating disorder on to them. I don’t want them to have the same problems as I do. I keep having visions of me trying to explain to a 3 year old child why they have to eat their vegetables but daddy doesn’t have to. Children learn by example and I wouldn’t be setting a good example for them, but I just don’t know where to go from here? In a way this is the first step. Admitting that I have a problem. Talking about it. Writing it down. I know it isn’t much, but it’s a start. It’s like being part of a help group.

*stands up*

“Hello everyone. My name is Russell, and I have a selective eating disorder”

Hi I'm Tea and I'm actively EDNOS.

26 yrs old (in feb), have a 10 month old son, and married to my prince charming. I was EDNOS at 17, recovered at 19, and steadily gained weight until I hit xlbs. I relapsed recently and am seeking a support network.

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Hi. I'm a girl in my mid-20's from Finland. I'm a student in university. I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder as my eating has always been a secondary problem and a form of self injury. I've had lots of labels put on me - depression, borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder.. I've never been happy with how I look, so I guess the first time I tried to lose weight was partly because of that and partly just to get something else to think than being anxious or depressed. I've restricted my eating, not as much as some, but enough to get my body starving. I've been able to stop restricting, but then purging the "bad foods". I've had good times, when I haven't worried (as much) about my looks.
But it seems that every spring my stress level goes too high for me to handle and I need something to keep my mind busy, so I'm not too anxious over my studies. So I count calories. A friend of mine told me about MFP, and the eating disorder in me cheered. Finally an easy way to count calories. I try to be reasonable, not to put my body into starvation mode, but my behavior now is definitely not me. I exercise way more than normally, I have to force my self not to do cardio every day and I don't eat the foods I love, they just have too many calories. I hide this from my partner, try to eat as little during the day as possible, so I can eat "normally" in the evening when he is at home. I also try to exercise so that he wont see it every time.
Every night as I am missing a couple hundred calories from my goal, I think about not eating any more. So far I've eaten all or nearly all my calories (well, not one day), but it's so tempting to eat less, even though I know it won't make me lose weight faster if I go to starvation.
This is all just so I have something in my head that hides the stress and anxiety. I do this to deal with my anxiety disorder. I've been in therapy for more than 6 years now, I've had medication, but none right now. Nothing seems to reduce the anxiety as well as self injury in any form.
I'm here partly to get a bit fitter, but also it's the eating disorder tendencies that made me join. We'll see how I'll do, I believe that when the stressful time is over, I'll go back to normal eating.

I'm Laura. I've had eating disorders or ED behaviours for as long as I can remember. My mother had a massive effect on me and pretty much enforced restriction, fasting and binging (if her and my sister wanted to eat something bad, they'd physically force me to eat more bad foods than they did which eventually led to me purging).

I have recently been diagnosed with b/p anorexia, my psychiatrist was reluctant to make my diagnosis EDNOS despite my current weight due to my behaviours being so severe. Basically, he knows it's only a matter of time before I'm underweight and it's only because my starting weight was so high that I'm not there already.

I had BED for about 4 and a half years but then realsped back to ana last April. Since then I have lost 6 stone 4 lbs/88lbs/39.91 kg. I'm currently on about 150 calories a day when I'm not binging.

So, yeah, hi.

So glad to see all of the new posts on here..anyone can feel free to add me as a friend if they are looking for support! It is a horrible disease and it helps to have the extra support. I am pretty much an open book since i have struggled with all 3 eds. Ana/Mia and overweight..kind of been there done that, but destroyed my body in the process. So now I am fighting like hell to get my life back!

Hi, I'm Louise. I suffered from anorexia for three years, had to suspend my academic studies, and developed severe bulimia in recovery. Now I am living a normal life and only really b/p when I am really tired and stressed. Looking forward to getting to know you all

Hi! I'm Cherry! 23 year old college student. I've had anorexia/bulimia since I was a preteen. I'm in treatment for my eating disorder and mental illness. I'm just trying to stay healthy and sane!

I'm kera, 18. I started losing weight for my wedding. From September to January, I lost 30 lbs from little food and lots of exercise. I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but if I was to categorize myself, it would definitely be EDNOS( I'm NOT under weight & still get my period) with anorexic tenancies. I purge after binges only. I'm on myfitnesspal for the support for weightloss. And I'm within ten pounds of my goal and not sure I want to recover and learn to bring healthy again. I almost feel like I'm not sick hurt o begin with, ya know? Since I've never been diagnosed. . . I don't know what to explain how I feel about that. My husband is in no way supportive of the ED, & doesn't see it as something that is damaging to me since I'm at a healthy weight. I almost feel like its a challenge to prove to him that its not just a diet, that its not a phase, itll be with me for the rest of my life. Its in my head its not like picking up a fork and eating. Its so much more and he doesnt understand so i get frustrated and restrict more. I dont know how to explain. But anyways, currently, I'm bouncing in-between a want to be healthy and an all consuming need to be thin. I've only got ten pounds left to lose. Hopefully, that'll be enough.

My name is Brian and I am 32 years old. I have read through all the introductions and am not sure if I am in the right place. I suffer from Compulsive Overeating (COE). I have had this problem since I was a child and have been struggling with it my whole life. I have Low T also which makes my metabolism almost non existent. I have been looking for any support I can get. Feel free to add me as a friend and if it is improper for me to be here just let me know. Thanks

Hi,

My name is Katie and I have a binge eating disorder and compulsive overeating.

Some background:

I grew up with a mother who didn't have a good relationship with food either. I learned some of my behavior from her. When I had a cookie, it wouldn't be just one. It would be a whole row of cookies. I would start obsessing about it until the monster was quieted with those cookies. I loved 4 miles outside of town and in desparation I would bike down there and back. OR ride my horse to the store and back. Halloween was a great thing also. My lowest moment as a teenager was that I sold candy bars for 4-h. The candy bars were in my room so my brother wouldn't eat them. I ate them. I ate so many my other had to throw in almost 100.00 to cover it. That was SO difficult and that was the last year I sold them. Thankfully my mother was the 4-h leader so no one found out.

I never was thin. I wouldn't purge because I don't like throwing up at all. My mom told me that I don't have a ED because I am not skinny. There was so many times I heard that I was never pretty enough, smart enough, etc because of my weight. I would go on blind dates and the guy would walk out. The blind date that hurt the most was that I was sitting at the resturant and told the guy I was in a pink skirt and leather coat. I was at the bar and was sitting there for a long time. I finally went home and emailed him. He said I didn't see a pink skirt only a fat girl in an orange skirt. I told him..um..that was me. Never talked to him again. Yet another ding that made me binge and feel miserable.

I ended up having multiple miscarriages and in 2002 was my lowest point. I had lost my beloved son at 20 weeks pregnant and was devasted. I went to a follow up with the dr and she outright told me that it was my weight that attributed to it (she was wrong, I had a blood clot that went through cord). Three weeks later I joined weight and lost a 100 lbs. The binge monster stayed quiet for a long time due to being busy with school and very active. I could get away with eating a lot and burning it all off. I hurt my back shoveling stalls and couldn't exercise for 3 years. During that time I gained 70 lbs back and was miserable again. The monster reared it's ugly head again becuase of the depression. I just pretty much gave up on fighting it.

My wake up call was my beautiful horse that I had. His back was suffering because of my weight. I saw a picture from a horse show and was digusted with myself. I started Medifast which is a VLCD and lost 75 lbs. Last year I decided to leave my hubby because I couldn't take it anymore. The binge monster poked it's head up because of the stress level of that. Between moving, divorcing, no exercise, no time for myself, and job stress. That monster was starting to control me again. Only in the last couple of weeks have I been actively trying to control my monster within. I know that I have a problem and I need to deal with it.

On top of everything else..I have many food allergies so my diet is really restricted. I can eat: Fruits, veggies, lean protien, small amounts of dairy, almonds & walnut (almond milk), soy, eggs(a few) and potato products. I have to eat gluten free, palm oil free, peanut free, banana free, finned fish and other things. SO my diet is very difficult to deal with on top of it. I eat those products I can stop breathing or end up throwing up. I hate throwing up so I really do try to avoid those things that make me sick.

I do have a horrible body image and am working on that. i want to get down to 145 for myself. It will put me right in the middle of my healthy weight range. I will always fight the binge monster...