Jokes to keep you laughing
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Oh. Marie. Just too funny.0
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Now here is a ood one Jeri
wHERE'S THE CAR ?
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not
in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly
I realized, I must have left them in the car.
Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me
many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition
is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be
stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying
conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately
call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my
keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I
always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car,
and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard Diane's voice, "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get
me."
Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car!"0 -
Medical Info Women Should Know and Men Should Too!!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.?
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q?: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes..
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Send this to five bright, funny women if you wanna make their day.
Maybe to the guys who are still trying to figure out the women in their lives..
WE ALL NEED A SMILE!0 -
Blonde at football game.
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."
"What did you not understand ?"
And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"0 -
Have Lemons
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
What a way to start the day.0 -
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband
For example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Jake that is sooooooo funny :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Justsayi by Sandydur, on Flickr
To help save the economy, the Government will announce
next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting
seniors (instead of illegal’s) in order to lower Social Security
and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember
how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ...
I'll see you on the bus!0 -
Judy from new Zealand0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Good one Judy!!0
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After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.0 -
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.
Description: cid:2.2564908647@web162202.mail.bf1.yahoo.com
'Did you say that?' he hissed
at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.'0 -
By the way, all of you keep me laughing, thanks0
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Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, ‘I’ll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.’
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, ‘What’s your condition?’
Phil answered, ‘Tell me your wish in just three words.’
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, ‘Clean my house.’0 -
In a Hospital, a gentleman had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been
occupied..
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if
you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA ,
PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was
sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA
button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his
underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large
powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring
flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was
more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be
supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a
hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I
remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis is under your pillow.."
MEN NEVER LISTEN!
Sorry Jake [:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:]0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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How cute..even the cat is laughing.:laugh:0 -
A Hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off,
revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.
There follows a tense minute of silence.
Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I tinka my wife caught a glimpse0
