Jokes to keep you laughing
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That one may me laught out loud:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: judy..
Where are you getting your signature,. i really like them
Nice
I am a great great grandma now. Boo hoo My son is a great grandpa Now Born yesterday.
Marie
Congratulations G,G,G Grandma. What an honor. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:0 -
THE CHURCH DINNER!
A group of friends from the Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."
Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."0 -
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."0 -
The Guy's Dinner
A group of 15-year-old guys discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Oceanview
restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jenny Johnson, the
cute girl in Social Studies lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was
good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute chicks.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old guys discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the Hurricanes were good, there was a patio for cigar smoking, and if they went
late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old guys discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the martinis were big and the waitresses had tight skirts and nice butts.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old guys discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant
had windows that opened (for the sea breeze), and fish is good for
cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old guys discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.
10 years later, the group of 75-years-old guys discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was
handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-years-old guys discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because they had never been there before.0 -
PROUD DADS
>
> Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party...
>
> After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
>
> Those who remained talked about their kids.
>
> The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
> He started working at a successful company at the bottom of
> the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
> began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
> president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
> best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
>
> The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
> pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went
> to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
> company, where he
> owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his
> best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
>
> The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
> best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his
> own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...
> He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his
> best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
>
> The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from
> the restroom and asked:
> 'What are all the congratulations for?'
>
> One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel
> for the successes of our sons...
>
> What about your son?'
>
> The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
> dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a
> shame... What a disappointment.'
>
> The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
> and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two
> weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand
> new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'0 -
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past.. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to
perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the
sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I
will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How
about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly
give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave
back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it."
So that is why
for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the
next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for
the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.0 -
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: You two are funny. I needed a good laugh. thanks buddies.0
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Great jokes.0
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call of a young woman being in labor. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........smack him again!'
Judy from New Zealand0 -
Subject: Deaf Wife Test
Bob feared his wife Carol wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a r esponse.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Carol, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Carol, what's for dinner?'
I just love this ..............
'For God’s sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'0 -
:laugh: You gals are sharp tonight
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My apologies to anyone that is Scandinavian or from Minnesota.
I just couldn't resist.
Ole the Portrait Painter
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His
fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to
Minnesota to have portraits done.
One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful
woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the
first time anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money
was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to
wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you
betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll
have a place to wipe my brushes."0 -
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!”
Judy0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: funny jokes I love them :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Love the jokes.0
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Good one, Judy. That actually sounds like something that could happen.0
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Judy :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
