That one may me laught out loud:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: judy..
Where are you getting your signature,. i really like them
Nice

I am a great great grandma now. Boo hoo My son is a great grandpa Now Born yesterday.

Marie

Congratulations G,G,G Grandma. What an honor. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

The Guy's Dinner

A group of 15-year-old guys discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Oceanview
restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jenny Johnson, the
cute girl in Social Studies lived on that street.


10 years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was
good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute chicks.


10 years later, the group of 35-year-old guys discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the Hurricanes were good, there was a patio for cigar smoking, and if they went
late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.


10 years later, the group of 45-year-old guys discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the martinis were big and the waitresses had tight skirts and nice butts.


10 years later, the group of 55-year-old guys discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant
had windows that opened (for the sea breeze), and fish is good for
cholesterol.


10 years later, the group of 65-year-old guys discussed where to meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.


10 years later, the group of 75-years-old guys discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was
handicapped-accessible.


10 years later, the group of 85-years-old guys discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because they had never been there before.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past.. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to
perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:


"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the
sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I
will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How
about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly
give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave
back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"


"Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it."

So that is why
for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the
next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for
the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Great jokes.

Subject: Deaf Wife Test


Bob feared his wife Carol wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a r esponse.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Carol, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Carol, what's for dinner?'


I just love this ..............


'For God’s sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

My apologies to anyone that is Scandinavian or from Minnesota.
I just couldn't resist.


Ole the Portrait Painter

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His
fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to
Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful
woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the
first time anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money
was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to
wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you
betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll
have a place to wipe my brushes."

Good one, Judy. That actually sounds like something that could happen.

Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship

and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate

my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says

'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.

In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink

the woman to her right says

'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says

'Thank you.

Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender


As she finishes that drink,

the man to her left says

'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says

'Thank you.

Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.


As he gives her the drink,he says

'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies

'Sonny, when you're my age,

you've learned how to hold your liquor...

Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Growing older

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my lady, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch my favourite programme, but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing lady because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his butt with only 2 inches showing out of it.....His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.