Jokes to keep you laughing

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  • Jake45
    Jake45 Posts: 146 Member
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    Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

    Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

    At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

    They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.

    They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

    So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

    The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

    "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

    "I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
  • fancyladyJeri
    fancyladyJeri Posts: 1,315 Member
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    LOL
  • kacierra
    kacierra Posts: 109 Member
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    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship

    and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

    As the bartender gives her the drink she says

    'I'm on this cruise to celebrate

    my 80th birthday and it's today.'
    The bartender says

    'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.

    In fact, this one is on me.'

    As the woman finishes her drink

    the woman to her right says

    'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
    The old woman says

    'Thank you.

    Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
    'Coming up' says the bartender


    As she finishes that drink,

    the man to her left says

    'I would like to buy you one, too.'
    The old woman says

    'Thank you.

    Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
    'Coming right up' the bartender says.


    As he gives her the drink,he says

    'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
    Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

    The old woman replies

    'Sonny, when you're my age,

    you've learned how to hold your liquor...

    Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
  • judz46
    judz46 Posts: 359 Member
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    Car Keys

    THE JOYS OF GROWING OLDER
    Several days ago as I left a meeting, I desperately looked for my keys.
    They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room
    revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the
    car! Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

    My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the
    ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
    Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I looked in the parking
    lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right! The
    parking lot was empty!!

    I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
    that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

    Then I made the most difficult call of all-- “Honey,” I stammered. (I
    always call her “honey” in times like these.) “I left my keys in the
    car, and it has been stolen.”

    There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
    then I heard Diane’s voice, “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

    Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, can you
    come and get me?”

    Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince the policeman here that
    I didn’t steal your car!”
  • judz46
    judz46 Posts: 359 Member
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    Growing older

    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

    My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my lady, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

    Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

    She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch my favourite programme, but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing lady because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?


    EDITOR'S NOTE:

    Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his butt with only 2 inches showing out of it.....His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.
  • Jake45
    Jake45 Posts: 146 Member
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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

    'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

    'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

    Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

    Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

    Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

    Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

    What does it tell you, Tonto?'

    'You dumber than buffalo s***. It means someone stole the tent.'
  • Sandydur
    Sandydur Posts: 9,087 Member
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    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    Funny, funny jokes, glad I got to catch up!!!
  • judz46
    judz46 Posts: 359 Member
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    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two cowboys applied for the job.

    One was gay and the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

    The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

    Two o'clock and no hired hand.

    Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her.

    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

    Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

    He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings."

    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

    "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
  • Sandydur
    Sandydur Posts: 9,087 Member
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    Judy.......................:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!


    A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

    "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
    He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
    The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
    He replied, "No money in the bank."
    "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
    He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
    The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
    The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
  • Sandydur
    Sandydur Posts: 9,087 Member
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    Sex Study...

    6903772554_6115ae8438.jpg
    Sexstudy by Sandydur, on Flickr

    It has been determined that the most used sexual position for old married couples is the doggie position.
    The husband sits up and begs.

    The wife rolls over and plays dead._,___
  • CALIECAT
    CALIECAT Posts: 12,530 Member
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    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Sandy a good one
  • Jake45
    Jake45 Posts: 146 Member
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    How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
    (as answered by dogs)

    These have been bouncing around the internet for years... we collected some of the silliest (or most accurate) here. Please feel free to send us others we may have missed at, info@freekiblble.com - and we'll add them to the list!

    Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

    Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

    Newfoundland: I don't think drool and electricity is a good combination.

    Labrador: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

    Yorkshire Terrier: I'm over qualified, have the boxer do it!
    Isabella
    Photo by Meg Price

    Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

    Australian Shepherd: First, put all the light bulbs in a little circle, then...

    Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

    German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

    Rottweiler: Are you talking to me? huh, you talking to me?

    Shi-tzu: Who me change a light bulb? How dare you ask me such a thing... we're royalty!

    Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

    Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

    Springer Spaniel: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

    Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sneak on the couch for a little nap.

    Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

    Hound Dog: ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz...

    Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

    Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...

    Pointer: I see it, there it is! There it is! Right there!! Can you see it? It's right there!

    Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a bad hangover...

    Greyhound: If it isn't moving, who cares?

    Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light-bulb... is it dark out?

    And what about Cats?

    CATS: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
  • Sandydur
    Sandydur Posts: 9,087 Member
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    I was in a tavern Saturday when
    I noticed two large women by the bar.
    They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are
    You two ladies from Scotland ?"
    One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
    So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are
    You two whales from Scotland ?"
    That's the last thing I remember...
  • Sandydur
    Sandydur Posts: 9,087 Member
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    I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before... I took a bus home.

    Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!
  • Sandydur
    Sandydur Posts: 9,087 Member
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    The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

    'May I help you sir?' she asked.

    'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
    'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

    'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

    The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

    Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

    The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

    After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

    The man replied, ' Ontario '.

    'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
    'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

    The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
    1. Death
    2. Taxes
    3. Being screwed by a lawyer
  • Sandydur
    Sandydur Posts: 9,087 Member
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    GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE
    Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but,please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
    beeeeeppp ....
    If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
    If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
    If you want to borrow the car, press 3
    If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
    If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
    If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
    If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,
    press 7
    If you want to come to eat here, press 8
    If you need money,press 9
    If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater,start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"




    WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
    (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

    Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

    A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

    Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

    When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

    They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

    They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

    Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
    They wear glasses and funny underwear.

    They can take their teeth and gums out.

    Grandparents don't have to be smart.

    They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

    When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

    Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

    They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

    GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

    It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
  • fancyladyJeri
    fancyladyJeri Posts: 1,315 Member
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    Oh Sandy. Lol
  • pjsatticPhoebeWaleskaGA
    pjsatticPhoebeWaleskaGA Posts: 1,701 Member
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    Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.�
    As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

    'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never�
    Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

    The driver said,

    'No problem. Have at it.'

    Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off�
    Down the highway.�
    A short distance away�
    Sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

    The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

    The trooper pulled out�
    And easily caught the limo�
    And he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.�
    The young trooper walked up to the driver's door�
    And when the glass�
    Was rolled down,�
    He was surprised to see�
    Who was driving.

    He immediately excused himself and went back to his car�
    And called his supervisor.

    He told the supervisor,�
    'I know we are supposed�
    To enforce the law....�
    But I also know that�
    Important people are�
    Given certain courtesies.�
    I need to know what�
    I should do because�
    I have stopped a�
    Very important person.'

    The supervisor asked,�
    'Is it the governor?'

    The young trooper said,�
    'No, he's more important�
    Than that.'

    The supervisor said,�
    'Oh, so it's the president.'�

    The young trooper said,�
    'No, he's even more�
    Important than that.'

    The supervisor finally asked,

    'Well then, who is it?'

    The young trooper said,

    'I think it's Jesus,�
    Because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
    Smile - God loves you!
  • Jake45
    Jake45 Posts: 146 Member
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    A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite pub in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

    Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
    After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

    She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

    Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

    The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

    Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

    Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.

    Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

    Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

    Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

    Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
  • judz46
    judz46 Posts: 359 Member
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    Jake :blushing: :blushing: :blushing: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: