Jokes to keep you laughing
Replies
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Sandy a good one0
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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
(as answered by dogs)
These have been bouncing around the internet for years... we collected some of the silliest (or most accurate) here. Please feel free to send us others we may have missed at, info@freekiblble.com - and we'll add them to the list!
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Newfoundland: I don't think drool and electricity is a good combination.
Labrador: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Yorkshire Terrier: I'm over qualified, have the boxer do it!
Isabella
Photo by Meg Price
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Australian Shepherd: First, put all the light bulbs in a little circle, then...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Rottweiler: Are you talking to me? huh, you talking to me?
Shi-tzu: Who me change a light bulb? How dare you ask me such a thing... we're royalty!
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Springer Spaniel: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sneak on the couch for a little nap.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...
Pointer: I see it, there it is! There it is! Right there!! Can you see it? It's right there!
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a bad hangover...
Greyhound: If it isn't moving, who cares?
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light-bulb... is it dark out?
And what about Cats?
CATS: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?0 -
I was in a tavern Saturday when
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are
You two ladies from Scotland ?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are
You two whales from Scotland ?"
That's the last thing I remember...0 -
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before... I took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!0 -
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer0 -
GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but,please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ....
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,
press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money,press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater,start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.0 -
Oh Sandy. Lol0
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Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.�
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never�
Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
The driver said,
'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off�
Down the highway.�
A short distance away�
Sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out�
And easily caught the limo�
And he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.�
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door�
And when the glass�
Was rolled down,�
He was surprised to see�
Who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car�
And called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor,�
'I know we are supposed�
To enforce the law....�
But I also know that�
Important people are�
Given certain courtesies.�
I need to know what�
I should do because�
I have stopped a�
Very important person.'
The supervisor asked,�
'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said,�
'No, he's more important�
Than that.'
The supervisor said,�
'Oh, so it's the president.'�
The young trooper said,�
'No, he's even more�
Important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked,
'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said,
'I think it's Jesus,�
Because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
Smile - God loves you!0 -
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite pub in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."0 -
Jake :blushing: :blushing: :blushing: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: love the new jokes :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: This is the most entertaining lunch I have spent..:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
LOVE IT 0 -
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is ........
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 100 -
An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral
procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50
Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,
were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence
passed between the two men..
"Can I borrow the
dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."0 -
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'0 -
Judz................:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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What a c:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: huckle judy:laugh:0
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
Description: B538617BD71046CA946149975A060003@bosstankf93208
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the park ing lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"0 -
Dig, Dig, Dig
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Love the jokes.0
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Love this phone call....
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ..............**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........**0 -
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband standing around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she inquired.
"How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.0 -
Please excuse the four letter words in the following story. I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them.....
A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to come and get me and
take me home..."PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT
four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook, bake..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.0 -
SISTER MARY
A YOUNG NUN NAMED SR. MARGARET MARY, WHO WORKS FOR A LOCAL HOME
HEALTH AGENCY WAS OUT MAKING HER ROUNDS WHEN SHE RAN OUT OF GAS. AS
LUCK WOULD HAVE IT A GAS STATION WAS JUST A BLOCK AWAY. SHE WALKED
TO THE STATION TO BORROW A CAN TO START WITH AND DRIVE TO THE STATION FOR A FILL UP.
> >
THE ATTENDANT REGRETFULLY TOLD HER THE ONLY GAS CAN HE OWNED HAD BEEN
LOANED OUT BUT IF SHE WOULD WAIT IT WAS SURE TO BE BACK SHORTLY.
> >
SINCE THE NUN WAS ON THE WAY TO SEE A PATIENT SHE DECIDED NOT TOO
WAIT. SHE WALKED BACK TO THE CAR. AFTER LOOKING THROUGH FOR SOMETHING TO FILL
WITH GAS, SHE SPOTTED A BEDPAN SHE WAS TAKING TO THE PATIENT.
> >
ALWAYS RESOURCEFUL SHE CARRIED IT TO THE STATION, AND FILLED IT WITH
GASOLINE, AND CARRIED IT TO HER CAR. AS SHE WAS POURING THE GAS
INTO THE TANK TWO MEN WERE WATCHING FROM ACROSS THE STREET. ONE OF
THEM TURNED TO THE OTHER AND SAID, "IF IT STARTS, I'LL BECOME A CATHOLIC...0 -
Ray, an RVer from Omaha, travels in his motorhome with a talkative but foul-mouthed parrot. One day in a campground near Gila Bend, Ariz., the bird's swearing got to be too much. So Ray grabbed it by the throat and yelled "Stop it!" But only minutes later, the bird was swearing again.
The next day, the bird yelled so loudly that the couple next door in a big fifth wheel stopped by to demand its silence. Desperate, Ray locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. But it didn't help: the bird kept right on swearing. The next day, the bird was even worse. So, as a last resort, Ray tossed it into his spacious Dometic freezer. After five minutes, all was quiet. Worried the bird might be freezing, Ray took it out. "I'm sorry," confessed the suddenly polite bird. "I promise to never swear again."
Ray was astonished. He couldn't understand the change in attitude.
"By the way," asked the parrot, "what did the chicken do?"0 -
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST Holyday
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the
lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!0 -
bump0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Marie this is so funny.
Phoebe is this right? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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