Jokes to keep you laughing
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: love the new jokes :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: This is the most entertaining lunch I have spent..:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
LOVE IT 0 -
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is ........
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 100 -
An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral
procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50
Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,
were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence
passed between the two men..
"Can I borrow the
dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."0 -
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'0 -
Judz................:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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What a c:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: huckle judy:laugh:0
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
Description: B538617BD71046CA946149975A060003@bosstankf93208
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the park ing lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"0 -
Dig, Dig, Dig
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Love the jokes.0
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Love this phone call....
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ..............**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........**0 -
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband standing around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she inquired.
"How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.0 -
Please excuse the four letter words in the following story. I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them.....
A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to come and get me and
take me home..."PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT
four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook, bake..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.0 -
SISTER MARY
A YOUNG NUN NAMED SR. MARGARET MARY, WHO WORKS FOR A LOCAL HOME
HEALTH AGENCY WAS OUT MAKING HER ROUNDS WHEN SHE RAN OUT OF GAS. AS
LUCK WOULD HAVE IT A GAS STATION WAS JUST A BLOCK AWAY. SHE WALKED
TO THE STATION TO BORROW A CAN TO START WITH AND DRIVE TO THE STATION FOR A FILL UP.
> >
THE ATTENDANT REGRETFULLY TOLD HER THE ONLY GAS CAN HE OWNED HAD BEEN
LOANED OUT BUT IF SHE WOULD WAIT IT WAS SURE TO BE BACK SHORTLY.
> >
SINCE THE NUN WAS ON THE WAY TO SEE A PATIENT SHE DECIDED NOT TOO
WAIT. SHE WALKED BACK TO THE CAR. AFTER LOOKING THROUGH FOR SOMETHING TO FILL
WITH GAS, SHE SPOTTED A BEDPAN SHE WAS TAKING TO THE PATIENT.
> >
ALWAYS RESOURCEFUL SHE CARRIED IT TO THE STATION, AND FILLED IT WITH
GASOLINE, AND CARRIED IT TO HER CAR. AS SHE WAS POURING THE GAS
INTO THE TANK TWO MEN WERE WATCHING FROM ACROSS THE STREET. ONE OF
THEM TURNED TO THE OTHER AND SAID, "IF IT STARTS, I'LL BECOME A CATHOLIC...0 -
Ray, an RVer from Omaha, travels in his motorhome with a talkative but foul-mouthed parrot. One day in a campground near Gila Bend, Ariz., the bird's swearing got to be too much. So Ray grabbed it by the throat and yelled "Stop it!" But only minutes later, the bird was swearing again.
The next day, the bird yelled so loudly that the couple next door in a big fifth wheel stopped by to demand its silence. Desperate, Ray locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. But it didn't help: the bird kept right on swearing. The next day, the bird was even worse. So, as a last resort, Ray tossed it into his spacious Dometic freezer. After five minutes, all was quiet. Worried the bird might be freezing, Ray took it out. "I'm sorry," confessed the suddenly polite bird. "I promise to never swear again."
Ray was astonished. He couldn't understand the change in attitude.
"By the way," asked the parrot, "what did the chicken do?"0 -
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST Holyday
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the
lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!0 -
bump0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Marie this is so funny.
Phoebe is this right? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
