The friendzone ...
Replies
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Both raige and I have extenuating circumstances that would seem otherwise.
But thank you all for your opinions. Realize that you may not have the whole story.
Best of luck, raige! I hope things work out the way you want.
Everyone thinks they are the exception.
Exactly
To the two OPs. These guys think you are good enough to have sex with but not good enough to really date. If a guy like you, not just sex, he will make an effort to actually date you.
And if he is even telling you "I don't want a relationship" he is being even more honest!!
It's not like that at all...
And I may not be the exception, but some risks are worth taking. If I lumped this man into your narrow scope of all men and their behaviors, I will never know, will I?
I don't know about others but if you feel like going for it and think you have a shot, I would say go for it. This isn't a hard and fast rule. I would however suggest not to get your hopes up. I have done so in the past and have gotten hurt.
Pretty much yeah. By all means, treat it like a lottery ticket. You could win and that would be sweet - but don't go spending a bunch of money just yet.0 -
Dying to know the "extenuating circumstances" Dying0
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Dying to know the "extenuating circumstances" Dying
I would go get it checked. Do share the good news of what it is, though0 -
Dying to know the "extenuating circumstances" Dying
I would go get it checked. Do share the good news of what it is, though
Hhaha! I meant w/thee ladies saying their circumstances are extenuating. Hhaha. Im so nosey, but really I do care.0 -
If a guy wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. That's all there is to it. In the meantime he's getting free sex out of it. He's in a win-win situation.
Also, if he gave two rips about your feelings he wouldn't be in a FWB situation with you. All that proves is that he cares more about getting his d*ck wet than about you.
Minus some of the choosen words (lol kidding Kits) I agree with this bang on!
Listen when a man speaks - great advice! If you want more than FWB, then stop sleeping with him!0 -
I think y'all already know the answer, it's just not what you want to hear. Jen is spot on with her advice. He probably likes being friends and hooking up with no strings attached, but just doesn't see enough chemistry for a relationship for whatever reason. Guys are pretty simple, but we have a hard time saying "I don't like you like that" because we don't want to hurt your feelings.
It is possible to get out of the friend zone, you just have to boost your attractiveness level. Weight loss helps, let him see you with other guys, sometimes a better hair cut or clothing can work wonders. Not really sure how to go from FWB to relationship though, if a guy is already getting sex without all the hassles of a relationship then he won't want to ruin a good thing.
But all men aren't looking for only sex. Isn't there a situation where a guy might have a girl as an FWB rather than a girlfriend because of extenuating circumstances? What if he's just scared of a commitment? Can't he get past that?
Is it really always a lost cause for the FWB?
Honestly if someone says they are scared of commitment they are saying they are scared of commitment with you! Sorry but it's true. I have seen many, many surveys that show most men would rather be in a relationship than just in a sex-only relationship. Humans crave companionship.
Many time someone will make excuses as to why they can't date you, see you, commit to you. "I work a lot." "I'm so busy." "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship." "I want to be single." But if they meet someone they truly like all those excuses are overcome and they suddenly are able to overcome their "fears."
Tell yourself whatever you want to make yourself feel better about it. But I'll echo what everyone else said...he is just using you to get some. If you want more, you deserve better. Either stand up for yourself or find a new guy who will care about you and love you as a lover, not as a friend you have sex with.0 -
Dying to know the "extenuating circumstances" Dying
Honestly, it's quite a long story. Many of my friends have heard it. I'm not going to rehash my entire personal life here. Suffice to say, I have known him a very long time, his feelings have been made apparent to me and others many times over, his rationale for not pursuing more is psychological, and he has volunteered to address it with therapy without even having to be asked.
Not every situation fits into your pessimistic views of the world. Yes, I'm taking a risk, but like I said sometimes it is worth it. I'd rather be wrong and get hurt, then spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been if I had just bothered to try.0 -
I think y'all already know the answer, it's just not what you want to hear. Jen is spot on with her advice. He probably likes being friends and hooking up with no strings attached, but just doesn't see enough chemistry for a relationship for whatever reason. Guys are pretty simple, but we have a hard time saying "I don't like you like that" because we don't want to hurt your feelings.
It is possible to get out of the friend zone, you just have to boost your attractiveness level. Weight loss helps, let him see you with other guys, sometimes a better hair cut or clothing can work wonders. Not really sure how to go from FWB to relationship though, if a guy is already getting sex without all the hassles of a relationship then he won't want to ruin a good thing.
But all men aren't looking for only sex. Isn't there a situation where a guy might have a girl as an FWB rather than a girlfriend because of extenuating circumstances? What if he's just scared of a commitment? Can't he get past that?
Is it really always a lost cause for the FWB?
Honestly if someone says they are scared of commitment they are saying they are scared of commitment with you! Sorry but it's true. I have seen many, many surveys that show most men would rather be in a relationship than just in a sex-only relationship. Humans crave companionship.
Many time someone will make excuses as to why they can't date you, see you, commit to you. "I work a lot." "I'm so busy." "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship." "I want to be single." But if they meet someone they truly like all those excuses are overcome and they suddenly are able to overcome their "fears."
Tell yourself whatever you want to make yourself feel better about it. But I'll echo what everyone else said...he is just using you to get some. If you want more, you deserve better. Either stand up for yourself or find a new guy who will care about you and love you as a lover, not as a friend you have sex with.
My honest guess would be that if either girl stands up for themselves and states they want a relationship over FWB then both will have no FWB or relationship status. All the warning signs/red flags are there. The best advise I ever received was 'listen when a man talks' So much literature on 'I am not ready for commitment' ' I am busy' etc. It's common COMMON excuses. If you must come and ask for opinions on it, I think your gut is trying to tell you something.0 -
I think y'all already know the answer, it's just not what you want to hear. Jen is spot on with her advice. He probably likes being friends and hooking up with no strings attached, but just doesn't see enough chemistry for a relationship for whatever reason. Guys are pretty simple, but we have a hard time saying "I don't like you like that" because we don't want to hurt your feelings.
It is possible to get out of the friend zone, you just have to boost your attractiveness level. Weight loss helps, let him see you with other guys, sometimes a better hair cut or clothing can work wonders. Not really sure how to go from FWB to relationship though, if a guy is already getting sex without all the hassles of a relationship then he won't want to ruin a good thing.
But all men aren't looking for only sex. Isn't there a situation where a guy might have a girl as an FWB rather than a girlfriend because of extenuating circumstances? What if he's just scared of a commitment? Can't he get past that?
Is it really always a lost cause for the FWB?
Honestly if someone says they are scared of commitment they are saying they are scared of commitment with you! Sorry but it's true. I have seen many, many surveys that show most men would rather be in a relationship than just in a sex-only relationship. Humans crave companionship.
Many time someone will make excuses as to why they can't date you, see you, commit to you. "I work a lot." "I'm so busy." "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship." "I want to be single." But if they meet someone they truly like all those excuses are overcome and they suddenly are able to overcome their "fears."
Tell yourself whatever you want to make yourself feel better about it. But I'll echo what everyone else said...he is just using you to get some. If you want more, you deserve better. Either stand up for yourself or find a new guy who will care about you and love you as a lover, not as a friend you have sex with.
My honest guess would be that if either girl stands up for themselves and states they want a relationship over FWB then both will have no FWB or relationship status. All the warning signs/red flags are there. The best advise I ever received was 'listen when a man talks' So much literature on 'I am not ready for commitment' ' I am busy' etc. It's common COMMON excuses. If you must come and ask for opinions on it, I think your gut is trying to tell you something.
I actually just chimed in because I was curios what the answers would be. I wanted to know if anyone would step up and say 'yes, you can get out of the friend zone'. Relationships are built on trust and faith. You have to give a little to get a little. I'm just not going to give up on him because some people on the Internet say I should.0 -
I think y'all already know the answer, it's just not what you want to hear. Jen is spot on with her advice. He probably likes being friends and hooking up with no strings attached, but just doesn't see enough chemistry for a relationship for whatever reason. Guys are pretty simple, but we have a hard time saying "I don't like you like that" because we don't want to hurt your feelings.
It is possible to get out of the friend zone, you just have to boost your attractiveness level. Weight loss helps, let him see you with other guys, sometimes a better hair cut or clothing can work wonders. Not really sure how to go from FWB to relationship though, if a guy is already getting sex without all the hassles of a relationship then he won't want to ruin a good thing.
But all men aren't looking for only sex. Isn't there a situation where a guy might have a girl as an FWB rather than a girlfriend because of extenuating circumstances? What if he's just scared of a commitment? Can't he get past that?
Is it really always a lost cause for the FWB?
Honestly if someone says they are scared of commitment they are saying they are scared of commitment with you! Sorry but it's true. I have seen many, many surveys that show most men would rather be in a relationship than just in a sex-only relationship. Humans crave companionship.
Many time someone will make excuses as to why they can't date you, see you, commit to you. "I work a lot." "I'm so busy." "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship." "I want to be single." But if they meet someone they truly like all those excuses are overcome and they suddenly are able to overcome their "fears."
Tell yourself whatever you want to make yourself feel better about it. But I'll echo what everyone else said...he is just using you to get some. If you want more, you deserve better. Either stand up for yourself or find a new guy who will care about you and love you as a lover, not as a friend you have sex with.
My honest guess would be that if either girl stands up for themselves and states they want a relationship over FWB then both will have no FWB or relationship status. All the warning signs/red flags are there. The best advise I ever received was 'listen when a man talks' So much literature on 'I am not ready for commitment' ' I am busy' etc. It's common COMMON excuses. If you must come and ask for opinions on it, I think your gut is trying to tell you something.
I absolutely agree Kim, I don't think it's going to end well.
UsedToBeHusky, don't put your life on hold for this guy who MIGHT one day be ready for a relationship. Live your life now, and later if he works his crap out, maybe you can talk then. But settling for sex when you want more is not fair to you. You are only hurting yourself. You could pass up a great guy because you are focused on Mr. Unavailable.0 -
Dying to know the "extenuating circumstances" Dying
Honestly, it's quite a long story. Many of my friends have heard it. I'm not going to rehash my entire personal life here. Suffice to say, I have known him a very long time, his feelings have been made apparent to me and others many times over, his rationale for not pursuing more is psychological, and he has volunteered to address it with therapy without even having to be asked.
Not every situation fits into your pessimistic views of the world. Yes, I'm taking a risk, but like I said sometimes it is worth it. I'd rather be wrong and get hurt, then spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been if I had just bothered to try.
I'm not sure if this is the same guy you talked about before and were offended at everybody's responses. If so, dang! You're still in the same predicament. That's a whole lot of time wasted... On one dude whos not giving you what you deserve.
If its not, great but you seem to be getting into the same situations.. Unavailable men.
I'm no expert in men. I have done my share of sharing on here and most of you know my stories. But I don't waste my time on a dude whos obviously not putting the effort into me. I move on!! Theres always another guy around the corner. I hate seeing women lying to themselves or in denial. You only live once!!! Once. Don't waste your precious time hoping some dude will come around. You're better than that!0 -
Dying to know the "extenuating circumstances" Dying
Honestly, it's quite a long story. Many of my friends have heard it. I'm not going to rehash my entire personal life here. Suffice to say, I have known him a very long time, his feelings have been made apparent to me and others many times over, his rationale for not pursuing more is psychological, and he has volunteered to address it with therapy without even having to be asked.
Not every situation fits into your pessimistic views of the world. Yes, I'm taking a risk, but like I said sometimes it is worth it. I'd rather be wrong and get hurt, then spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been if I had just bothered to try.
Ow wow. "Rather be wrong and get hurt" :brokenheart: You got it bad for this guy. :indifferent:0 -
I think y'all already know the answer, it's just not what you want to hear. Jen is spot on with her advice. He probably likes being friends and hooking up with no strings attached, but just doesn't see enough chemistry for a relationship for whatever reason. Guys are pretty simple, but we have a hard time saying "I don't like you like that" because we don't want to hurt your feelings.
It is possible to get out of the friend zone, you just have to boost your attractiveness level. Weight loss helps, let him see you with other guys, sometimes a better hair cut or clothing can work wonders. Not really sure how to go from FWB to relationship though, if a guy is already getting sex without all the hassles of a relationship then he won't want to ruin a good thing.
But all men aren't looking for only sex. Isn't there a situation where a guy might have a girl as an FWB rather than a girlfriend because of extenuating circumstances? What if he's just scared of a commitment? Can't he get past that?
Is it really always a lost cause for the FWB?
Honestly if someone says they are scared of commitment they are saying they are scared of commitment with you! Sorry but it's true. I have seen many, many surveys that show most men would rather be in a relationship than just in a sex-only relationship. Humans crave companionship.
Many time someone will make excuses as to why they can't date you, see you, commit to you. "I work a lot." "I'm so busy." "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship." "I want to be single." But if they meet someone they truly like all those excuses are overcome and they suddenly are able to overcome their "fears."
Tell yourself whatever you want to make yourself feel better about it. But I'll echo what everyone else said...he is just using you to get some. If you want more, you deserve better. Either stand up for yourself or find a new guy who will care about you and love you as a lover, not as a friend you have sex with.
My honest guess would be that if either girl stands up for themselves and states they want a relationship over FWB then both will have no FWB or relationship status. All the warning signs/red flags are there. The best advise I ever received was 'listen when a man talks' So much literature on 'I am not ready for commitment' ' I am busy' etc. It's common COMMON excuses. If you must come and ask for opinions on it, I think your gut is trying to tell you something.
I absolutely agree Kim, I don't think it's going to end well.
UsedToBeHusky, don't put your life on hold for this guy who MIGHT one day be ready for a relationship. Live your life now, and later if he works his crap out, maybe you can talk then. But settling for sex when you want more is not fair to you. You are only hurting yourself. You could pass up a great guy because you are focused on Mr. Unavailable.
No. I'm still seeing other people and he knows that. I was until recently seeing my ex but that has changed since Mr. Unavailable came along. And to be honest, I'm not actively looking, but if someone came along, I wouldn't turn them away. I realize that I have to keep my options open until he gets his head together.0 -
Dying to know the "extenuating circumstances" Dying
Honestly, it's quite a long story. Many of my friends have heard it. I'm not going to rehash my entire personal life here. Suffice to say, I have known him a very long time, his feelings have been made apparent to me and others many times over, his rationale for not pursuing more is psychological, and he has volunteered to address it with therapy without even having to be asked.
Not every situation fits into your pessimistic views of the world. Yes, I'm taking a risk, but like I said sometimes it is worth it. I'd rather be wrong and get hurt, then spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been if I had just bothered to try.
Ow wow. "Rather be wrong and get hurt" :brokenheart: You got it bad for this guy. :indifferent:
Yeah, I do. There is a lot of history behind all this. I've actually posted about him in this group before. There was timing issues and other stuff in the way. Now it's just his own screwed up issues.
Fine, you twisted my arm. He is from a South American culture and raised Catholic and he married an American woman who is crazy and they got divorced (which is against the way he was brought up) and whenever he tries to move on the ex keeps the kids from him.0 -
Imo, I would take a step back and look at all of this. Seems like you are trying to sweep him off his feet and prove to him
that good woman do exist. He has a lot of baggage. Sounds very chaotic and drama filled. Some ppl gravitate toward those situations. This doesn't sound at all appealing to me.0 -
I don't know about a guy's POV, but I've had FWB situations where he wanted more and it really was just not going to happen on my end, like ever.I have a question for the guys too.
I have been friendzoned and recently upgraded to FWB. Is it possible to go from FWB to something more?
Kind of where I am with said friend too which is why I asked.
LOL! Okay then... bump!
@jenbit - I think your advice is probably invalid since sex is involved. As someone recently said to me, sex is a game-changer.0 -
Imo, I would take a step back and look at all of this. Seems like you are trying to sweep him off his feet and prove to him
that good woman do exist. He has a lot of baggage. Sounds very chaotic and drama filled. Some ppl gravitate toward those situations. This doesn't sound at all appealing to me.
I've taken a step back. I didn't talk to him for a year.
This is what my heart wants and I won't be satisfied until I know for sure. Sex is only a new factor in this equation. Like I said, I'm staying realistic. I know there is a chance that I could get hurt. I've actually already resolved that I could be content completely alone. I'm not as young as some of you. I've been married. I've had chaos of all kinds in my life. A lot of it I created for myself. If sex is the most we will ever have between us, that will be a shame, but I've suffered through a lot worse.
I'm willing to take the risk.0 -
Imo, I would take a step back and look at all of this. Seems like you are trying to sweep him off his feet and prove to him
that good woman do exist. He has a lot of baggage. Sounds very chaotic and drama filled. Some ppl gravitate toward those situations. This doesn't sound at all appealing to me.
I've taken a step back. I didn't talk to him for a year.
This is what my heart wants and I won't be satisfied until I know for sure. Sex is only a new factor in this equation. Like I said, I'm staying realistic. I know there is a chance that I could get hurt. I've actually already resolved that I could be content completely alone. I'm not as young as some of you. I've been married. I've had chaos of all kinds in my life. A lot of it I created for myself. If sex is the most we will ever have between us, that will be a shame, but I've suffered through a lot worse.
I'm willing to take the risk.
A year away..and nothing was resolved? Shame. At this point its on you not him. :flowerforyou:
Dude your only 35. WTF haha You have so much time to have a life, be young and have fun.0 -
Imo, I would take a step back and look at all of this. Seems like you are trying to sweep him off his feet and prove to him
that good woman do exist. He has a lot of baggage. Sounds very chaotic and drama filled. Some ppl gravitate toward those situations. This doesn't sound at all appealing to me.
I've taken a step back. I didn't talk to him for a year.
This is what my heart wants and I won't be satisfied until I know for sure. Sex is only a new factor in this equation. Like I said, I'm staying realistic. I know there is a chance that I could get hurt. I've actually already resolved that I could be content completely alone. I'm not as young as some of you. I've been married. I've had chaos of all kinds in my life. A lot of it I created for myself. If sex is the most we will ever have between us, that will be a shame, but I've suffered through a lot worse.
I'm willing to take the risk.
A year away..and nothing was resolved? Shame. At this point its on you not him. :flowerforyou:
Dude your only 35. WTF haha You have so much time to have a life, be young and have fun.
Meh... Relationships are a lot of work. Very few people are worth the trouble. But don't be mistaken, I've done a lot at 35 and I still have plans for the future. I just plan on doing those things on my own. If things change, then great, but relationships aren't all they are cracked up to be. This guy is a perfect fit personality-wise, but what is meant to be will, and if its not meant to be, I'm prepared to deal with that.0 -
Once I friendzone a girl, that is pretty much it.0
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Besides, do I really have to be with someone to enjoy life?:huh:
No, not really.0 -
Agreed.Besides, do I really have to be with someone to enjoy life?:huh:
No, not really.0 -
Nope. You don't need to be with someone to enjoy life.
I sure do miss sex though.0 -
Besides, do I really have to be with someone to enjoy life?:huh:
No, not really.
I think a grand total of zero people said that.0 -
Besides, do I really have to be with someone to enjoy life?:huh:
No, not really.
I think a grand total of zero people said that.
Well you just met one. Hope you find what you're looking for.0 -
Besides, do I really have to be with someone to enjoy life?:huh:
No, not really.
I think a grand total of zero people said that.
Well you just met one. Hope you find what you're looking for.
So... people in this thread try to tell you that he's not going to change his mind, telling you to move on, you don't need him holding you back.
You respond by arguing that you don't need a man in your life?
You just agreed with what they said. Nobody was telling you to stay with him, or that you need him. Kits points out that nobody told you to stay. You respond with sass.
I have to wonder if you're intentionally causing drama, or just not getting it.0 -
Besides, do I really have to be with someone to enjoy life?:huh:
No, not really.
I think a grand total of zero people said that.
Well you just met one. Hope you find what you're looking for.
So... people in this thread try to tell you that he's not going to change his mind, telling you to move on, you don't need him holding you back.
You respond by arguing that you don't need a man in your life?
You just agreed with what they said. Nobody was telling you to stay with him, or that you need him. Kits points out that nobody told you to stay. You respond with sass.
I have to wonder if you're intentionally causing drama, or just not getting it.
Yep, this.0 -
Besides, do I really have to be with someone to enjoy life?:huh:
No, not really.
I think a grand total of zero people said that.
Well you just met one. Hope you find what you're looking for.
So... people in this thread try to tell you that he's not going to change his mind, telling you to move on, you don't need him holding you back.
You respond by arguing that you don't need a man in your life?
You just agreed with what they said. Nobody was telling you to stay with him, or that you need him. Kits points out that nobody told you to stay. You respond with sass.
I have to wonder if you're intentionally causing drama, or just not getting it.
Yep, this.
I'm sorry. I thought I was very polite.
You're right. All men are dirty dogs and the only reason that he could possibly have is that he's just not into me. Thanks so much for all of your input. Good night.0 -
So..how does one get a friend with benefits? Do you just tell the guy that you want some, but not a relationship? Serious question.
*pulls out notepad and pen*0 -
yes, its possible but they would obviously need to find you attractive in some way.
in my case, I had a design intern at work. she was 20 and kind of tomboyish, wore student clothes to work, and she was not even on the radar. she eventually left, and I had never thought of her sexually, and if she had hit on me/come onto me, i would have been like woah.... hold on.
anyway later that year, she asked e to come meet her to talk about becoming a designer / schools / CV / inspritation / approach etc etc.
so I went to pick her up at the station and there was this tall hot girl standing there looking the other way, then she turned and looked at me and I was shocked, the girl had made an effort and looked hot. in a split second the gate opened and i was like "GAME ON!" It had a happy ending.0
