jilliancreates a journey of releasing weight and attracting health.

PrimalJillian

I am a blogger at heart, so don't mind me if I tend to get a bit long-winded. I've started this thread a few times, but life drew me to other tasks; other responsibilities. I'm going to keep this short and sweet, for now, as I have an entire thread to fill with my story.

The one thing I want to share straight away is that while I am technically obese, I have no desire to lose weight. What? How can that be? Well, when we lose something, we typically want to find it, right? Forget that! Five years ago, I lost 70 pounds. I seem to have found 60 of them. Now, I'm hear to RELEASE this weight once and for all!

totaldetermination

Love the idea of releasing weight , and the beauty is that as we do, we free ourselves as well.

Look forward to reading your journey.

PrimalJillian

Mother of 3. Disabled combat veteran. Reiki Master. Homeschool teacher of my 14yo daughter.
Depression. PTSD. Anxiety.

So many things can describe me and my life. None of them is singularly accurate though; labels rarely ever are. This is who I am. I had one daughter before I went to Iraq for a year, and I had a son and another daughter within 4 years of being home. Since then, I've divorced and am currently dealing with a hellacious custody battle instigated by my abusive, controlling ex. Needless to say, life is stressful. My partner of 2-1/2 years is extremely supportive though, and my kids are, surprisingly, dealing with this mess very well.

As I've said, I found 60 pounds of the 70 I lost a few years ago. Most, if not all, of it was gained back due to medications and stress. Now, I've been working really hard to find my peaceful place inside where the circumstances surrounding me don't affect me so drastically. When I can do that, I can take care of me instead of being at the mercy of events that I can't control. Taking good care of myself is also a necessity to being the kind of mother that I want to be.

I've been working REALLY hard this month, making sure I log everything and exercise daily. I walk about 2 miles a day and do a 30-day fitness challenge that takes me about 15 minutes, and I'm eating 1500-2000 calories a day before my exercise is subracted. I've released about 13 pounds this month, and my total is 24 pounds since mid-September. I'm not anticipating this rate of shedding to continue, but I would be ecstatic if it would.

At this very moment, my biggest challenge is TTOM. I'm feeling down and wanting to eat more food and things that I haven't been eating for over a month. I've stuck to my meal plan fairly well, but I am struggling. Today will also be a no-walk day. I'm tired and really wish I could've just spent the day in bed with a book and Netflix. I'll separate my fitness challenge into smaller segments, so that I can get through it.

PrimalJillian

totaldetermination wrote: »

Love the idea of releasing weight , and the beauty is that as we do, we free ourselves as well.

Look forward to reading your journey.

Thank you! I'm looking forward to sharing in a setting where everyone is sharing...well, mostly everyone. Thanks for creating this group. It's a great idea!

50extra

Hey Jillian, I also dabble in blogging, I have my own personal finance blog.

Although I can't share any experiences with you that relate to your past relationship and physical hurdles, I can relate to losing and gaining it back, only to be here trying to lose it again.

I have added you as a friend, please add me if you want to try and do this together. By the sounds of it you are already doing everything necessary to get it done. I'm jealous of your work ethic when it comes to exercise, keep it up!

PrimalJillian

I'm not sure it's a work ethic that keeps me exercising, honestly. It's the immediate gratification...lol

I got thinking about my relationship to exercise, yesterday. Quite frankly, I find it ironic that I'm class 1 obese even though I really do love exercise. There is a big difference between loving something and having the motivation to do it, but why is that? I've loved being physically active for the majority of my life. It hasn't always been in the form of formal exercise, but there were big chunks of time when it was. I was a competitive swimmer for 10 years and was swimming a mile a day plus doing 30-40 minutes of other workouts several days a week. I joined the Army, and actually enjoyed most of the exercise, including competitions around who could do more situps on their PT tests. I excelled at these things, not because of the weight/health benefits, but because of the competitive nature and the "runner's" high. I don't like running, but I definitely get the endorphin rush of a great workout.

So what happened? I had a family and quickly became the all-american stay-at-home-mom that is engrained with the idea that I must take care of everyone else before myself...it would be so selfish of me to actually do anything for myself. Yes, I actually believed that, and it didn't help that my husband at the time would come right out and tell me that I was being selfish if I wanted even a night out with friends. Food became my enjoyment, and eventually my addiction. Then one night I ate so much that I actually made myself sick. I had to prop myself on the couch to sleep. When I journalled questioning myself about why I would eat so far beyond the point of being full was when it finally became apparent to me what was actually going on. The next day, I made a list of things I really wanted to do for me. Some were small activities and others were big, like a trip to Italy(which I still haven't been able to afford). I started doing the things on that list, and the weight started coming off. Then it became a self-perpetuating cycle. I felt better, so I ate better, so I exercised more, which made me feel even better. Ultimately, this is what ended my marriage...I was being selfish in his eyes, but self-full in mine.

I lost a lot of weight and kept it off for a few years. Major shifts, including the current custody battle and mental health medications that caused a 50lb gain in 3 months, have had me extremely stressed and overwhelmed for about a year and a half. This is where the answer to that first question comes. Why is it that I can't find motivation to do something that I love? When I am overwhelmed, the first habits/routines to get dropped are the things that I enjoy. I have so many responsibilities. How could I possibly let any of them sit on the back burner while I go do something fun? No, I don't actually belief this, but it is the pattern that I catch myself in when I have too much on my plate...and it sometimes takes a bit of time and weight gain before I have a conscious awareness of what I'm doing.

What I'm doing now is constantly reminding myself that doing something for me everyday helps me deal with the stress better. It also makes me more productive in taking care of my responsibilities.

Currently, my biggest challenge is TTOM. I'm doing pretty well managing my food, but finding motivation to exercise is the hard part because of physical aches and pains. I've decided that if I can't exercise, I will do something else enjoyable for me today. I know I could do both (and maybe I will), but I want to ease into being more and more self-full, otherwise I'll get more overwhelmed and ditch any previous effort...another self-perpetuating cycle!

totaldetermination

I completely agree with you on the importance of doing something for yourself.

I'm not sure that I would put exercise in that category, though.

You might enjoy exercise (lucky you !) but exercise needs to be done for health reasons not just because its something that you enjoy.

Would it help you if, instead of thinking of exercise as a treat for yourself, you think of it as a daily essential (that you happen to enjoy) ? Its like finding the time to go to the doctor for a check-up. Just something you have to do to keep healthy.

PrimalJillian

I actually would like to respectfully disagree with you about needing to change the way I think about exercise, mostly because I feel that your comment about how exercise needs to be done for health reasons is unfair. The requirement to think of exercise in a particular way suggests that one way works for everyone. That is not my opinion. I'll explain..

For one, the way I think of exercise is not the core problem for me. Fixing what might appear to be a problem when it is actually a symptom of the problem isn't going to solve anything really. It's like putting a bandage on a cut to stop the bleeding without addressing that the real issue is the severity of the cut, which requires stitches. My core issue is that I stop taking care of myself when I feel there's too much on my plate. Yes, exercise does fall into that, but it's not the actual problem, so regardless of how I think of exercise, it stops when I get overwhelmed. As long as I can consciously remember to take care of myself by doing things that I enjoy (including exercise), I don't get to the point of being so overwhelmed. Therefor, I'm taking care of the core problem.

Secondly, I do exercise for health reasons. While I understand what you mean in the sense that you're saying it should be done for physical health, I think we tend to completely ignore the fact that our mental health is equally, if not more, important that our physical health. When mental health declines, so does physical health, whether it's weight gain, acute illness, physical injuries, or even chronic illness. The mind may not be the singular cause for physical ailments, but it most certainly plays a noteable role. If our mind is not healthy, we pay less attention to what is going on in our body and physical health declines. For me, mental health is my challenge, and I know that it is...hence the overwhelm that leads to dropping things I enjoy, and ultimately not taking care of myself. Exercise is enjoyable to me, first and foremost. It is also for my health...my mental health. Being enjoyable does not mean it's a treat, as you suggest. It's a necessity for me because without it, my mental health declines and physical health follows suit. On days when I'm ill or in pain, I do other things for me to keep my mind healthy. That way, when my body feels better, I can return to exercising.

LottieStanley

I love reading about your journey so far. You have had a lot going on. You can really look within yourself and analyze things. I'm going with the mindset that exercise is an everyday thing I need to get fit. I need to release fifty pounds that I gained back. The diary of food I'm good with, now I'm adding exercise.

PrimalJillian

Thanks for the support, Lottie. I've spent quite a few years being educated in, and personally practicing, spiritual journaling, hypnotherapy, therapeutic coaching, neurolinguistic programming, reiki, and a few other modalities that require self-reflection. While there are many benefits to looking inside and reflecting on what's there, it can be painful to see how I sabotage myself sometimes. I mean, we all do to some extent, but to acknowledge it hurts. After the pain, there is healing and ultimately growth.

I'm glad you have a positive way to look at your journey that works for you! Best of luck with your new exercise endeavor!

totaldetermination

I completely agree .
Exercise is helpful for mind and body, and it is important to look after both.

In order to help them exercise regularly, most people (myself included) think of exercise as something for their physical, rather than emotional needs. Though, as you said, the benefits are many. That approach works for most people, and my question was whether thinking of it that way would help you. In your answer you've said that it wouldn't.

As you said, everybody is different .

totaldetermination

I just thought about it and realised that it might not be accurate to say 'most' people put exercise in the 'do it for your physical health' category.

Certainly most people that I know about who are losing weight use physical health reasons to motivate themselves to exercise. But I've never seen a survey or any studies, so I can't say what 'most' people do. I have no doubts that exercise has a wealth of benefits beyond weight loss and physical health - some of which may be very individual.

As you said it is all about finding what's best for you.
The thinking behind my post was that I might be able to help you by suggesting a possible alternate way of looking at it, that you might not have considered, and that might have worked for you. It was not my intention to give you a requirement to think of exercise in a particular way. I'm glad you have a method that you feel so positive towards !

PrimalJillian

No worries. I understand that you weren't trying to impose a requirement, but rather offer a suggestion. I'm sorry if my response sounded harsh. I really just want to remain clear about where I'm at in my journey to health....to diligently maintain my mental health as a route to gaining and maintaining physical health....which leads right into my next entry...

PrimalJillian

Let's get real about eating disorders...

Often when we hear that term, anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are the first (and maybe the only) ones that come to mind. While there are several others, food addiction is the one I want to focus on. (Also known as Binge Eating Disorder or Compulsive Overeating)

Some scoff at the idea; suggesting that there is no such thing and it's normal for a person who is obese to think about food all the time. Others have dealt with it personally. I recently read about the idea that knowing the underlying emotional reason for overeating was a good step to recovery. From my own experiece, I whole-heartedly agree. Some people can do this on their own, while some may prefer or require professional help.

However, food addiction is not just about overeating or thinking about food all the time. WebMd references a questionnaire developed by Yale researchers. Some of the questions are...Do you...?

Keep eating certain foods, even if you're no longer hungry

Eat to the point of feeling ill

When certain foods aren't available, go out of your way to obtain them

Eat certain foods so often or in such large amounts that you start eating food instead of working, spending time with the family, or doing recreational activities

Eat differently in front of people than how you do when you're alone

There are many, many more questions, but these are the ones that jumped out at me. In my main entry yesterday, I mentioned that I had realized that I wasn't doing anything enjoyable for me and that food had become my personal enjoyment. That was the epiphany for me; when I realized I really had a problem. It was a combination of having a poor relationship with food and having poor mental health. My addiction was a way to mask my pain and what my life was lacking. It was a wake up call, and I worked hard to correct the issue.

From my experience, I feel that food addiction is very much like other addictions. It's not just something that I forgot about after I worked to mental and physical health. I was a recovered addict for several years. With the struggles of my circumstances over the last 18 months or so, I've had a relapse. It snuck up on me. I don't remember exactly what my first slips were, but I do remember this past fall when I was hiding my eating from my partner. I didn't want him to know how much and what I was eating. I'd be running an errand and swing through the McDonald's drive though, get a large fry and Frappe, down it as quickly as I could, and stop somewhere to ditch the evidence. If there was candy in the house for my kids, I couldn't keep away from it. I'd eat most or all of it and hide the wrappers in the garbage, hoping my partner wouldn't see or ask about them.

Yes, I am an addict, and it was very hard to admit that. The first time I understood what I was dealing with, people sort of blew it off or chuckled when I shared my story. This time around, the hardest part was telling the man I love. He was, thankfully, very supportive, but I had been afraid to tell him because of my own shame. He's actually the one who suggested MFP, which I vehemently opposed initially. I'm glad that I changed my mind and started paying more attention to what I eat. Along with caring for my mental health, monitoring my food intake in such a concrete way is very helpful for me. I'm happy to say that while I'm still in the early stages, I am in fact in recovery again.

PrimalJillian

Today was a decent day. I made waffles and bacon for my kiddos, and managed to stick with my standard "liquids" breakfast of protein powder in 1 cup soy milk/1 cup of cold coffee and nettle infusion. I can eat bacon, but just not at breakfast, so I was happy that I didn't cave.

I got a walk in today after 2 days of not feeling well with TTOM. I actually felt like I NEEDED to go...as in I wanted it so bad that I needed it. I took my younger 2 kids with me and we walked a little over a mile and a half. It wasn't at my usual endorphin pumping pace, but I'll take a slow-pace walk with my kiddos any day.

I made supper for the family, and was able to stick with my meal plan instead of eating slow-cooked BBQ spare ribs. My suppers don't contain meat...only lunches do, so I set aside a portion for tomorrow and had my eggs with broccoli and mushrooms. It feels good that I'm able to say no to some of my favorite foods. I think it's easier because I know I can eat them as long as it's at lunch.

I'm going to do my fitness challenge in a few minutes too. We'll see how I do after 2 days off.

PrimalJillian

I'm doing a Biggest Loser challenge that ends in April, so I feel like I've increased my focus even more than it was. I walked 3.5 miles in an hour yesterday, and it felt great to be out for that long. However, I was so tired that I didn't get my fitness challenge time in. The scale did go down though. I'm quickly dropping through the 220s and have now lost 27 pounds.

Today, I went for a shorter walk since we're in the middle of a pretty significant snow storm. I usually walk at the cemetery and weave around to make it a longer or shorter walk. I spent 20 minutes in the cemetery today, and by the time I got back to the main gate there was no evidence that I had entered.

Having to be mindful of the ice slicks hiding under the quickly accumulating snow has a real impact on my speed. I slipped several times; once so badly that I must've looked like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel. I only actually fell once and only to one knee. Rather than being concerned about slipping and sliding on the ice, I have acually been thinking about how much worse the scenario would have been when I was significantly heavier. I probably would have fallen more than once, and I most definitely would have had some type of injury from the sudden need to correct being slipped off balance. My core strengthening exercises are paying off. I'm glad to be seeing other benefits besides the actual weight loss.

Progress since 1/1/2016
Weight down 16.1lbs
Waist down 2 inches (could be more because I was measuring wrong at the beginning of the month
Hips down 2 inches

LottieStanley

The thing about addiction to food it's not like drugs where you stop and never touch them again. With food you have to eat to live. Reading over your statement I can see some things I did, like eating candy and hiding the wrappers. I think you are doing great. It's hard to walk in the winter with snow. Be careful falls to knees is what caused my knee problems I have now. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. Have a great evening.

PrimalJillian

Needing food to live is exactly why the addiction can be so complex to treat. I am thankful that I have mostly been able to overcome this on my own, but I now understand that I'm not immune to relapse.

I didn't get a walk in today. I've had three shoveling sessions totaling over 2 hours just yesterday and today. It's the warm, heavy snow too. The kids love to pack it into snowball and snowmen or climb the 12-foot-tall pile...but parents HATE to shovel it. My kids were home both days for school closing due to the weather. I'll be getting back to my walks tomorrow morning after I get them to school. I also skipped my fitness challenge today because of being so sore from the shoveling. I did do it yesterday though since the real muscle fatigue hadn't fully set in yet.

I've been having fun on my walks snapping some photos. Totally not fitness related but I figured I'd share these.

totaldetermination

gorgeous photos ! I love the leaves with snow (ice?).

Sounds like you're doing really well. congratulations .

LottieStanley

I love your pictures.

PrimalJillian

Thank you!

The close up, black & white is frozen fog on an evergreen tree. The other 2 are during the beginning of the snow storm that has had me shoveling so much.

50extra

Looks good! I crave snowfalls like that every year but never seem to get them anymore.

PrimalJillian

I got a 68 minute walk in this morning. I was more tired than usual when I was heading home from the cemetery. Walking on neglected sidewalks covered with snow that's been partially packed added to the intensity of my walk.

I'm hoping to get my fitness challenge done before my 2 youngest kids come home from school. It might have to wait until tonight though, as I have my teenager to homeschool.

My scale is really bouncing around this week. Up from retaining water during TTOM. Down from dropping water weight plus actual weigh loss. Up from retaining water while muscles heal from shoveling so much. Down from dropping that water weight plus actual weight loss. It'll be interesting to see my loss this week for the Biggest Loser Challenge and because I'm doing an online food drive for local food pantries. For every pound I lose, the fitness center that's putting it on will donate 10 pounds of food. I've got a lot of external motivators, and they're so much nicer and more positive than the ones in the Army. lol

I learned yesterday that having 1 fun sized candy bar is really satisfying. It's only a third of a serving (63 calories and 11 carbs), but after following my dietary plan for several weeks it is SO sweet I'm not sure I could eat another one. I won't be having them on a consistent basis, but I got enough for each family member to have 1 serving. I've managed to maintain having 1 per day...assuming I can save my last one for tomorrow.

I'm also noticing the my caloric intake requirements feel like their going down. I guess I'm not surprised since I've lost 30 pounds since I started in September, but MFP hasn't adjusted it. Some days I'm having a hard time getting in my full amount, much less eating back part of my exercise calories. I used to easily eat back most, if not all of them. I'm not sure what to do at this point; force myself to eat at least my minimum calories or just go with eating only until satisfied. And I wonder if I can adjust what MFP has me set at since it's not accounting for my weight reduction. Anyone know?

50extra

I am where you used to be with the calories, I can easily eat my allotted amount so there will be no chocolate bars in my near future. I need all of the food that I can get for right now. I haven't gotten to the point where I have to worry about changing calorie intake because of huge losses, so congrats on that. I think I would balance eating based on calories and eating until satisfied. If I have a day where I am real low on calorie intake I will have a protein shake just to get some more in my system but I wont be eating just to eat if I am full.

PrimalJillian

This shift is fairly recent. I could have easily been under my standard calories by about 300 if I had skipped the coffee with coconut palm sugar and coconut oil, and the non-alcoholic mimosas that we had with dinner tonight in fancy glasses. My kids loved that! I let myself just have those calories today since I was so far under. I ended up eating back 1 calorie from exercise.

Now, I'm sipping on my evening kombucha like it was some kind of adult indulgence. I didn't get to my fitness challenge today. I'm bored with it, but I will complete it even if it takes me 45 days instead of 30. I'd like to find another exercise that I can enjoy the way I do walking. I've looked into bodyweight training, but I keep telling myself that I'll wait until the fitness challenge is complete. I also could do the Jillian Michaels 30-day shred or some old school Tae-Bo. I really wish I had my old Reebok Step and video, but that would require a VCR be resurrected from the technology graveyard.

PrimalJillian

Yesterday, I really started asking myself why I felt the need to complete the fitness challenge that I'm becoming more and more adverse to. Really. Why? For the sake of completion? Maybe. I am seeing results in my strength, mostly in my core. Other than that, I just don't particularly like it. I have learned that I can make time for indoor exercise that focuses on specific areas rather than only full-body, outdoor activities. This is a valuable lesson for me. I've had a hard time sticking with much other than walking or Nordic walking in the warm months. Why would I prevent myself from starting something different that I'm genuinely interested in? I don't even have an answer for that one, so I've decided to take the lesson and increased core strength and progress into bodyweight training. I'm quite excited to see where this leads me. It's been over a decade since I've done true strength training. The particular program I'll be using is extremely adaptable and offers progressions through several exercises that range from beginner to what I would call expert. The thought of working up to being able to do handstand pushups is simply thrilling. What can I say? Competitive swimmer. Army. I'm not ashamed to say that I wanna be a badass again! I want to be strong and lean again! I miss that, and now I have more time and motivation to get back to it than I've had in a very long time. Training starts Monday!

PrimalJillian

I've decided to add my progress photos...





It's funny that I didn't realize the difference a month would make.
-about 10 pounds
-2" from waist
-2" from hips

50extra

Please tell me that you are over the moon with your progress! In one month your body has already changed a HUGE amount. Great results so far!

LottieStanley

Wow did you check out your arms. That is such a difference I hope you're smiling from ear to ear. Even your face is slimmer. You are definitely doing something right.

PrimalJillian

Thank you! And yes, I am extremely happy with my progress. I just didn't realize how 10 pounds translates visually. I kind of wish I had started taking monthly pictures from the very beginning, but I can hardly wait to see what my pictures look like over the next few months!

totaldetermination

Gosh that's amazing progress !
Your hard work is certainly paying off .