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Self Sabotage

RowdysLady
RowdysLady Posts: 1,370 Member
edited October 2016 in Social Groups
I've been thinking about this for several days now. Even as I post and say all the "right" things for other people I can't seem to get back on all the right tracks for myself.

I'm not moving and that's always been a problem. I'll do it for a short time then quit. That's probably the least of my worries these days.

I'm not logging my foods so I have no accountability. I tried to start again the other day and failed again over the weekend.

I'm eating whatever is around. Shayla had to make cookies for a project at school. I ate cookies...lots of cookies over the past few days. Sugar cookies, M&M cookies...cookies.

I'm not drinking nearly as much water as I was and I'm starting to see the Pepsi Zero intake climb...which I know is dangerous for me. Yet here I am drinking them. I wish it were as easy as "just not buying them". Damn PepsiCo.

I'm out of Ketosis as evidenced by negative on the strips.

My BPC has sweetener in it every day again, whereas it was only if I was making Mocha before.

I'm taking tastes of foods that I know are not Keto friendly because "a taste won't hurt me". Yeah right.

I've lost almost 50 lbs and I want to lose more. Why would I just stop caring about all of this? I want to care. I do care when I'm not indulging in bad behavior but the minute I go habit eat a cookie I think "whatever, I'll be fine". Well we all know I won't be fine. I'll start to gain and lose all my progress.

The worst part is I've been doing all or a combo of these behaviors for several weeks now and I'm still losing some. Which only sets into my head that "I must be ok doing these awful things because I'm still losing". I really am smart enough when I'm rational to know that's not true but the moment I become irrational and pick up a cookie I think "I'll be fine".

I have my first physical early next month in over a decade and I couldn't wait to see what the results were but now they'll be skewed.

How do I kickstart myself back to what I was like when I decided Keto was the way to go back in April? What makes us do this to ourselves? I wonder if I should increase from 20 to something like 50 but I'm scared I'll start gaining weight...yet clearly I'm eating at least that many right now if not many many many more. Who's going to come to East Texas and kick me in the *kitten* for being an idiot? I can't seem to do it myself.

I need the most sage advice from someone who's been here. Stuck in a spiral downward in every possible way.
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Replies

  • hjackson1226
    hjackson1226 Posts: 124 Member
    Definitely following this....I am in the same situation. I was doing so well for a while. No major loss as far as numbers go but I am down 1-2 pant sizes. I know it works!

    I am nibbling on things here and there, eating things I know I am not supposed to eat, and justifying every bit of it in the moment while kicking myself 30 minutes later.
  • LowCarbInScotland
    LowCarbInScotland Posts: 1,027 Member
    Oh I know that yo-yo cycle so well. I have successfully overeaten keto foods and stalled my weight loss plenty of times during this journey and am going through one of those phases right now. I'm two weeks out from a 24-hour carbfest that resulted in me kind of OD'ing on peanut butter and making myself incredibly ill and bloated. And I've since been (over)eating whatever low carb food I want to try and refocus and it's not really helping matters.

    For me, logging is imperative, when I don't log, I overeat, carbs or no carbs. And with it getting dark early now, I'm not inclined to go to the gym, which just means more time to eat.

    I have begged my husband to join the gym with me for the winter while it's too dark and cold to walk outside, I think I nearly have him convinced. And I've put him in charge of my consequences/punishment for eating too much, and he's taking his responsibilities seriously lol, problem is that I'm not.

    I'm getting back on track, slowly but surely. Some days I just want to beat myself up (today) other days I'm a lot more positive(tomorrow maybe) and I try to remember that this is not a short journey and there will be bumps in the road, but I must continue to move forward.

    Sounds like you know what your problems are, as much as I do mine. It's time we put our solutions into action and stop feeling sorry for ourselves :blush:
  • RowdysLady
    RowdysLady Posts: 1,370 Member
    How about I feel sorry for you @PaleoInScotland and you'll feel sorry for me then we can both move forward :-)

    This really sucks because when I put the whatever in my hand I don't care in that moment but then I think about the last day or week and say to myself "what the hell?!"
  • Bonny132
    Bonny132 Posts: 3,617 Member
    RowdysLady wrote: »
    Bonny132 wrote: »
    I think your issue is mental. May I ask you about your frame of mind? Do you believe you deserve the weight loss and your new and incredible looking body? Are you sure you are not self sabotaging because deep down you believe you are not worthy of it?

    I ask this as I have been there and done it myself. Self sabotage because my inner voice told me I would not succeed, why bother and you'll always be fat, so who are you kidding?

    I had to learn to shut that *kitten* up before I could loose the weight. Before that I was a complete jo jo. Up and down, then further up... vicious circle.

    I immediately started to cry when I read this...and now I can't stop. Gee thanks @Bonny132...sheesh :smiley: . Methinks you hit the nail on the head since it caused such a strong reaction in me. It doesn't seem like it should be it as I'm in the best, healthiest place I've been in years. I'm happier than I can ever remember being. I've got a great sig other in Rowdy - better than any relationship I've ever been in. Work and kids are pretty darn good overall. There just aren't a million things going wrong in my life these days the way they were a year ago and I should be all set to do this new thing right too. In all these adult years this past has been the very best of my life ever.

    It was hard for me to stop myself self sabotaging. It actually took my new partner to turn around and tell me he did not care about my size BUT that I needed to start loving myself.

    The loving part is hard, I still struggle with it. I have a wonderful partner who loves me for who I am, but my struggle is to learn to love myself. I am so used to looking into the mirror and hate what I see, so it is easy to give in and over eat. But I am slowly learning that I need to stay strong and to learn to love myself, love my body, appreciate compliments and more importantly to take a step back and to realise, I want to look good and comfortable in my body. I will never be a skinny minny but I will feel sexy, I will feel confident and I will be looking great.

    It took me years to realise this, I wish I had years ago, but then I might not have met my partner so who am I to argue?
  • Catawampous
    Catawampous Posts: 447 Member
    edited October 2016
    Wish I could help. Bonnie's post kinda hit home for me as well and I had some stuff written but I edited it out because Debbie Downers is not what you need to hear!
  • SuperCarLori
    SuperCarLori Posts: 1,248 Member
    edited October 2016
    I understand, I'm going through the same thing. I want to eat what I want to eat, because I've always eaten my feelings for comfort. And with the US the way things are going, my sugar addict inside telling me to go ahead, WW 111 is coming and will you care about how many *kitten* carbs you eat then?

    Bob's super into politics, and his doom and gloom every day really brings me down bad. I want to bury my sorrow, frustration and worry in cake.

    In not sure what to do either, I've been trying to just eat keto *kitten*, but it doesn't quiet the demon, ya know?

    Oh and I failed at smoking cessation so that might have a bunch to do with my defeatist attitude ATM...

    And I just read @Catawampous s post and feel like I did what she avoided. I'm sorry for being a negative Nellie. I want to help you!
  • Sarahb29
    Sarahb29 Posts: 952 Member
    edited October 2016
    Usually I get that way when something is going on in my personal life, and until I solved it it didn't stop. In my case I was living with crazy in laws that tried to control what I cooked or how I cooked. They are very narcissistic and emotionally abusive people. I moved out as fast as I could, but until I did, I struggled and struggled bad. I ate fast food to avoid them so I wouldn't have to be in the kitchen and you can see it in my weight graphs back in June thru August. It's much better now but it did take time for me to get back to where I was.

    But anyway, I guess my point is you need to figure out what's stressing you out and what's upsetting you that derailed you so you can focus on that and get yourself back on track. If it's possible to get away from it, do so, and if not try to think of the best way to deal with it. I would do a lot of prep meals or crock pot meals so you have easy grab and go options while you're working out your stress. A walk or run out in the fresh air might help too, and make sure to get plenty of rest.
  • RowdysLady
    RowdysLady Posts: 1,370 Member
    SuperCarLori wrote: »
    I understand, I'm going through the same thing. I want to eat what I want to eat, because I've always eaten my feelings for comfort. And with the US the way things are going, my sugar addict inside telling me to go ahead, WW 111 is coming and will you care about how many *kitten* carbs you eat then?

    Bob's super into politics, and his doom and gloom every day really brings me down bad. I want to bury my sorrow, frustration and worry in cake.

    In not sure what to do either, I've been trying to just eat keto *kitten*, but it doesn't quiet the demon, ya know?

    Oh and I failed at smoking cessation so that might have a bunch to do with my defeatist attitude ATM...

    And I just read @Catawampous s post and feel like I did what she avoided. I'm sorry for being a negative Nellie. I want to help you!

    Nah...hearing others are where I am is good to know. Not that I want you or @Catawampous to struggle (I read your thread too) but commiseration is something we as humans need. I hate knowing that I'm being an idiot yet don't seem to care that I'm being an idiot. Ya know?
  • RowdysLady
    RowdysLady Posts: 1,370 Member
    You know @Bonny132 I also believe that it is what that came before that brought me to where I am today - that is had I not had a failed marriage before or had I not been over 300 lbs before or blah blah blah I may never had found my way to Rowdy. I often wonder what it would have been like to have met him first but then I think maybe had we met in our teens or 20s it would have been disastrous. We were not ready for each other then. So I try to think of everything that happened before as a learning experience and not a failure but boy...this whole WOE is feeling failure ish right now. I can't seem to get any part of it back on track. I'll keep on trying...
  • RowdysLady
    RowdysLady Posts: 1,370 Member
    Foamroller wrote: »
    It's a journey of see saws. Forgive yourself the slide backs, because guilt tripping yourself is toxic. Making errors is at the core of being human. Use the errors to identify which situations or foodtypes etc that are traps for you. You seem to already be good at observing yourself which is the first step. Ask yourself what's holding you back to change to be someone you wanna be? It can be a very uncomfortable or surprising answer sometimes. It IS a journey. Be happy about all the things or minigoals you've already achieved. Set yourself up for success, not failure. Take care and find the balance between being gentle but firm with yourself :)

    From your mouth to my ears, right? I may write this down and repeat it daily til I wake back up.
  • LowCarbInScotland
    LowCarbInScotland Posts: 1,027 Member
    RowdysLady wrote: »
    How about I feel sorry for you @PaleoInScotland and you'll feel sorry for me then we can both move forward :-)

    This really sucks because when I put the whatever in my hand I don't care in that moment but then I think about the last day or week and say to myself "what the hell?!"

    Sounds like a deal! :smiley:

    But seriously, we've both come so far this year, and I know for me, none of these roadblocks have been real setbacks. As much as they suck, and as crappy as I feel about my failures along the way, the truth is, before this woe, I would NEVER have been able to rebound so quickly. One bad meal would have turned into two months of eating like crap.

    I was 3 lbs away from getting to 100lbs lost recently and I just plunged off the deep end literally without even thinking about it, it was really quite silly. I was out of town for work and just ordered a pizza from room service without a moment's thought of my diet, which is so unlike me, but I was exhausted and my brain wasn't working. And no, I was not going to just eat the toppings when I ended up staring at that plate of dough, I don't have that level of self control. But as ridiculous as I feel about what I did and the nightmare that followed, I didn't continue eating carbs, it lasted 24 hours and then I stopped... that was a win for me. Even though I haven't recovered from the whole mess in terms of getting back to losing weight, the spiral ended quickly.

    Guess my point is, try to focus on the wins and appreciate your successes instead of beating yourself up for your mistakes.

    I really hate myself today and I told my husband, he really doesn't get the self loathing I deal with, but he was really sensitive to it today and has been working really hard to love me twice as much while I can't love myself. It can be hard to talk to our menfolk about our feelings sometimes, but I'm glad I shared with him today. It really helps to have a spouse, friend, parent, adult child, etc who can support you through this journey.
  • suzqtme
    suzqtme Posts: 322 Member
    You are blessed.
  • RowdysLady
    RowdysLady Posts: 1,370 Member
    @missippibelle and @supergal3
    I'm gonna try... thank you.

    @suzqtme I am blessed in life and family these days. Took a long time to get here but yes. And I do hope it will pass with me overcoming vs succumbing. Thank you.
  • Zenwenner
    Zenwenner Posts: 166 Member
    *hug* Rowdy! I have been going through the exact same thing for a few weeks now too! I am good for a couple of days, then for some reason I eat cookies. Not just one cookie, LOTS of cookies. Or Halloween little chocolate bars, lots of them. Rice, bread... I've dabbled in all of it lately and I am not proud of myself. In fact, every night I go to bed beating myself up, and I've been avoiding this forum because of it. =(

    I get up the next day planning to be good, and it starts out well, but then.... I screw it all up and don't ever make it to the gym, etc etc. *sigh*

    Anyway - just wanted you to know you're not alone. I feel ya!
  • RowdysLady
    RowdysLady Posts: 1,370 Member
    Thank you @Zenwenner. I'm sorry you are going through this too. If I could recommend you not avoid the forums here - we won't beat you up and as you can see we will try to help you stop beating yourself up too. Everyone is so supportive! Love you guys!!
  • RowdysLady
    RowdysLady Posts: 1,370 Member
    Ok, my typo in the word sabotage in my title is driving me crazy. I do know how to spell most of the time...sigh.
  • SuperCarLori
    SuperCarLori Posts: 1,248 Member
    edited October 2016
    We're going to need to start a *kitten* ups only challenge lol.

    Hold one another accountable. Message one another when things are dicey. Reach out for compassion and a shoulder, or even a *kitten* fest.

    I've been doing the same thing, @Zenwenner and am ashamed to log it, I'm hiding it, like I used to do while using! I want to be back to where I was a few months ago.

    Anyone else interested in a cheaters anonymous challenge thread?
    @RowdysLady would that help you? I know I need a reset.
  • SuperCarLori
    SuperCarLori Posts: 1,248 Member
    Hey, just came across this! Check out number 8!!!
    Well check them ALL out lol

    http://alldayidreamaboutfood.com/2015/05/top-10-tips-for-getting-back-on-track-with-your-low-carb-diet.html

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