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Doom, Despair, and Agony on Me! (aka a whine thread)

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  • speyerj
    speyerj Posts: 1,369 Member
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    @amart4224 - if a job isn't a good fit, you usually do know for sure at the 90 day mark. Start looking now, before this job robs you of your self esteem. I stayed a job 11 years that I knew the first day wasn't going to be a good fit. I just didn't believe enough in my own self worth at the time to know that I could do better. And yes, it's a difficult time to be looking for work, but you still have this job, so you can take your time and find one that is a good cultural fit.

    So go give yourself a pep talk in the mirror, update your Linked in Profile, update your resume, get on InDeed, and reach out to your professional contacts to let them know you are on the market. If there is a company you know you want to work for, reach out to them and tell them they should hire you and explain why. Be bold. You have nothing to lose.
  • amart4224
    amart4224 Posts: 345 Member
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    Thanks for the advice and shared experiences @speyerj and @bmeadows380 it really helps to know that others have been through this too. I'm seriously considering a major career change, since I've been in the software configuration field for 4 years at 4 different companies in 4 different industries and each job has been... somewhat toxic? At one, my coworker and I were bullied and belittled by our supervisor, at another I was sexually harassed by a married coworker twice my age, at another I had a boss who only showed up to hire people or fire people and after every firing he would call the remaining employees together and tell us what a terrible job we were doing and how he expected so much more from us.

    I guess what I'm wondering in the back of my mind is: Is every place like this, or have I just had extremely bad luck in my work life so far? Or is it somehow my fault - that these are normal things that happen at work and I'm just not handling them correctly? It's confusing and frustrating and I never thought it would be this hard to find a place that I "fit." 😕
  • amart4224
    amart4224 Posts: 345 Member
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    And @bmeadows380 I feel you so much on the dating sites. I've tried just about all of them and I also didn't have any better results on the paid ones vs free. In the last year and a half I've been on one date and, while I know I'm "still so young!" it feels like everyone else is getting married off and I'm being left behind.
  • speyerj
    speyerj Posts: 1,369 Member
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    @amart4224 - no, none of those things are normal. And none of those things are your fault.
    especially bullying and sexual harassment. But you might use your past experience to help you see those red flags in advance.

    As you start going on interviews, make sure you are doing your due diligence during the interview process. If you are offered a job where the peer interview was not part of the hiring process, ask if you can have one before you accept. Ask your peers during that interview, "What is the best part about working here?" "What have been some of your frustrations and how have you worked to resolve them"? How do you like to communicate and collaborate with each other?" "How do you support each other when someone on the team runs into a problem they can't solve on their own?" "What qualities are most important to thrive in this environment?" Ask the hiring manager those same questions in your interview with them, but also ask them, "How will I know I am being successful at this job?" "How do you support and motivate your team to enhance their performance?" "How do you cultivate innovation and collaboration on the team?"

    Remember, you are the prize, not the job offer. Just as you need to prove that you will be an asset to the company, they need to prove that they are worthy of your intellectual investment.
  • Ccricfo
    Ccricfo Posts: 156 Member
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    amart4224 wrote: »
    And @bmeadows380 I feel you so much on the dating sites. I've tried just about all of them and I also didn't have any better results on the paid ones vs free. In the last year and a half I've been on one date and, while I know I'm "still so young!" it feels like everyone else is getting married off and I'm being left behind.

    @amart4224
    I wanted to share with you how I met my second wife (my first wife died 16 years ago). I was trying multiple dating sites with no luck....I went on a site called Single-Net and within a few days was talking with the lady who is now my wife....the crazy thing about it was that her subscription was going to end just a few days later and she wasn't going to renew it... So the odds of us meeting at all were very low. You just don't know what's going to happen....but I wish the best for you!
  • dcshima
    dcshima Posts: 529 Member
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    @amart4224 check out glassdoor.com along with above suggestions from @speyerj
    There is drama where there are people. Finding the right company culture is key for me. Read the reviews on glassdoor about the company from employees.

    Do you enjoy what you do?
    If so would suggest keeping trying, but remember you are also interviewing the company / manager as well. Be mindful of red flags along the way.

    Dating...is tough. I met my SO on POF.com 10 years ago, had to weed through a lot. There are good people out there, just need to find them. I did learn a lot about myself along the way as well. I'm not easiest person to get along with and I do have my quirks. Hold fast on your short list of deal breakers & see if you can work through the rest. Relationships take work every day, it doesn't end once you in one.



  • AlexandraFindsHerself1971
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    We're having job issues. Because they mentioned doing a hair follicle test for drugs. Unfortunately herbal remedies for PTSD are not legal in this state, and I am annoyed that they will lose a good IT worker over this, and that we'll have to start the search all over again. (Besides, I thought the holy trinity of IT was black coffee, herb, and coding) I'm not mad at him. It was medicinal, and allowing him to sleep at night and not keep getting triggered. It was and is necessary. I'm very annoyed at the system.

    As to dating, met my first husband in high school through a friend. Met my current partners on a now-defunct website for people with our special tastes, and yeah, there's a lot of frogs for every prince. It helped that I knew what I wanted and was in demand, but that just meant I had a lot of real dreck to sort through in hopes that somewhere in the pile of poo was a pony.
  • Ccricfo
    Ccricfo Posts: 156 Member
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    @_inHisGrace Hang in there....you have already made such an effort. I know how hard it is to lose a parent, especially when they have been so supportive throughout your life. My dad was my biggest cheerleader -- no matter what I was doing, he found good in it and was proud of me. It was 16 years ago when he passed, just 6 weeks before my wife died. Think of each of them every day but it is a warm memory now and not the painful, piercing sensation that it used to be. Take care...
  • conniewilkins56
    conniewilkins56 Posts: 3,391 Member
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    I agree with Ccricfo, you have done so good and your mindset is very positive since you joined this group...we all struggle with things in our lives every day...my husbands health is a constant source of stress to me...my dad dropped over dead very unexpectedly 30 years ago at the age of 69.... I miss him every single day....one thing I have learned is that no matter what I eat to make myself feel better, it won’t change my situation...It only makes me feel worse after I eat it...

    Dieting is hard, being overweight is hard....choose your hard!

    We are all here for you whenever you feel like venting or whining or crying....please be strong!
  • conniewilkins56
    conniewilkins56 Posts: 3,391 Member
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    Sorry, my dad was 61, not 69
  • bmeadows380
    bmeadows380 Posts: 2,981 Member
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    *sigh* I think I'm going to have to do something. It's been a month or more, and the munchies are not abating and I'm having more days that I'm over than I am under, which is not good. A few calories over wouldn't normally be a big deal, but the problem is that as soon as that counter turns red, glutton brain kicks in and really ups the drive with "well, you're already over, so what's a few more gonna hurt?" and the next thing you know 50 calories has turned into 500 or more. I got a 6 1/2 mile walk in today which earned 600 calories, and I'm still over by 800 *winces* my deficit is supposed to be 750.

    I walked 10 miles yesterday and 6 miles today - and today I'm having a hard time keeping the hunger at bay. I can't help but wonder if with the amount I've lost, that my body doesn't have the fat stores to ride through such demanding activity anymore, hence the over eating.

    In any case, I think what I'm going to do is slow my deficit down a bit more to 1 lb/wk. This way, I get 250 more calories to play with which hopefully will help me stay under and head off the "well, I've already blown it" mentality. The bad side is that I now only have a 500 calorie deficit to play with, but I suppose I can use the month of October at 500 calories to ease myself into the next 2 months of maintenance I wanted to try out.

    I'm just frustrated because I can't get a handle on it! The whole looking at a food item and asking myself the whole "does this temporary pleasure from this food outweigh the pleasure of seeing 220 on the scale?" absolutely does not work for me at all - because I've tried all weekend to remind myself that I really want to see 220, that we've been fighting for 220, that over eating today is not going to help that, but to no avail - when my brain wants it, it wants it, and no logic or reasoning is going to budge it. *sigh*
  • conniewilkins56
    conniewilkins56 Posts: 3,391 Member
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    Bmeadows....what advice would you give someone else going thru what you are?...think carefully and write your answer and then read it over and over!...you are an inspiration to me and one of the strongest people I have met on MFP...you have given me so much wisdom and help on my journey...you know you can do this because you are doing it!...now share what you would tell someone else in your frame of mind!
  • speyerj
    speyerj Posts: 1,369 Member
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    @bmeadows380 - I've been struggling with elevated hunger these days too. I am pulling out tools from my tool box that I used when I first started eating at a deficit. Even though I am in maintenance, I have to say, the adjustment is just as hard.

    So things that I did that first month, when sticking to my original deficit was at its hardest, I'm trying again. These are the things that usually help me:
    1) Prelogging - Logging my day's food ahead of time and planning snacks and treats that fit with my macros/calorie budget
    2) Macros! - Making sure I am getting enough protein. For me that is 30% of calories from protein. When I eat at that level, I feel more satiated and less likely to "graze".
    3) Having a high protein snack with a glass of water. Jerky, Turkey, Greek Yogurt, even a protein shake. And I make a deal with myself, that I will eat that snack and drink that large glass of water and if I'm still hungry in 30 minutes, I can have another. But, I have to try this routine first. It usually works.

    Even though we are old pros at this and been doing this for what feels like forever, sometimes we get ahead of ourselves. That's when it's time to go back to basics and act like it's still the first month of our diet.
  • speyerj
    speyerj Posts: 1,369 Member
    edited September 2020
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    I walked 10 miles yesterday and 6 miles today - and today I'm having a hard time keeping the hunger at bay. I can't help but wonder if with the amount I've lost, that my body doesn't have the fat stores to ride through such demanding activity anymore, hence the over eating.

    I also wanted to address this. It's not lack of fat stores. It's glycogen your body wants. When it doesn't get it, massive hunger occurs for the rest of the day that is hard to quell. When I was about half way through my half marathon training, I realized that fueling for endurance training is different than everyday fueling. For workouts lasting longer than an hour, refueling during the workout can help prevent that crash that leaves you feeling tired and hungry all day. A 6 to 10 miles walk is a 2 to 3 hour expedition. You might need to refuel your glycogen stores during the walk. I am partial to Cliff Blocs - they add electrolytes and glucose - about 30 calories per bloc. But gummy bears work too. Be sure you are also hydrating well during these long walks - you should have water with you and if you get very sweaty, you may need to add electrolytes to the water too. After the long workout, replenish with a high protein snack or meal. Try to get at least 15 grams of protein in within 45 minutes after your long workout.

    It really works!
  • eliezalot
    eliezalot Posts: 620 Member
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    @speyerj
    Where do you get your Cliff Blocs? I'd like to try those for my longer bike rides - and do you have a favorite flavor?
  • speyerj
    speyerj Posts: 1,369 Member
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    I get them at a local running store but I suspect that they can be ordered from Amazon or a big box store like Dicks or Target. I like the Margarita flavor - lemon line with a hint of salt! They taste like gummy candy. Definitely try them out before you eat them on a long bike ride. Some people don't tolerate Blocks and Gels well (gives them a tummy ache). And I realized, I had misspelled them, it's Clif Bloks not Cliff Blocs.
  • bmeadows380
    bmeadows380 Posts: 2,981 Member
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    speyerj wrote: »
    I walked 10 miles yesterday and 6 miles today - and today I'm having a hard time keeping the hunger at bay. I can't help but wonder if with the amount I've lost, that my body doesn't have the fat stores to ride through such demanding activity anymore, hence the over eating.

    I also wanted to address this. It's not lack of fat stores. It's glycogen your body wants. When it doesn't get it, massive hunger occurs for the rest of the day that is hard to quell. When I was about half way through my half marathon training, I realized that fueling for endurance training is different than everyday fueling. For workouts lasting longer than an hour, refueling during the workout can help prevent that crash that leaves you feeling tired and hungry all day. A 6 to 10 miles walk is a 2 to 3 hour expedition. You might need to refuel your glycogen stores during the walk. I am partial to Cliff Blocs - they add electrolytes and glucose - about 30 calories per bloc. But gummy bears work too. Be sure you are also hydrating well during these long walks - you should have water with you and if you get very sweaty, you may need to add electrolytes to the water too. After the long workout, replenish with a high protein snack or meal. Try to get at least 15 grams of protein in within 45 minutes after your long workout.

    It really works!

    yep, when I was on that walk, I had hershey mini bars with me, 5 bottles of water with electrolytes, and protein bars and jerky, and I did refuel during the walk and then went and got dinner afterwards.

    I am trying to get my protein quota in for the day, but I find it so difficult to do so without crowding out a lot of other good things, too. I keep yogurt and cottage cheese and turkey - lots of turkey and chicken. I'm sitting at 25% protein for my macro split and that's even hard for me to hit!

    Its hunger brain, though, that's my problem - its not phyiscal hunger and I know its not physical hunger, but mental hunger is so much more difficult to deal with! And I can never figure out why for me, the basics steps that I was doing from the beginning work - until they don't..... I pre-log a lot of the time, but hunger brain will be agreeable in the AM, but as the day goes by, it starts to whine about wanting this, or wanting that, so I end up playing with the system trying to curb the desire.

    but I do very much appreciate your suggestions! Especially the gummy bears one; I could probably get a pack of gummy worms to take on my walks that might not be so bad. I was trying to use little debbie cakes but that didn't carry well lol
    Bmeadows....what advice would you give someone else going thru what you are?...think carefully and write your answer and then read it over and over!...you are an inspiration to me and one of the strongest people I have met on MFP...you have given me so much wisdom and help on my journey...you know you can do this because you are doing it!...now share what you would tell someone else in your frame of mind!

    *laughs* i'm not nearly as strong as you think - I just sound really good in print lol The only thing I can think is to just keep trying, and I don't mean to give up; its just very easy to angry at myself because I know I'm sabotaging myself, and I'm so stinkin' close!