widows and widowers welcome
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quilteryoyo:
Thank you for your kind words. As this group knows there are milestones after such a loss. I've been through all the
"firsts" now and the "seconds" seem even sadder. Maybe it has to do with there being a numbness that lingers for a while and then as time goes on, the reality of them being gone really hits. People think I'm doing great... what I have become is a pretty good actress. Only those who have experienced such loss can truly understand. We had two little granddaughters when my husband died... and now "we" have a little grandson. He is the most precious little guy and I feel so sad that he will never know a grandpa who would have loved him dearly. The little sweetie who is 5 remembers him. The other one is 2 and he did hold her the day she was born. We were in the same hospital (many miles from our home) when she was born. He had just received the "good-bye" from the doctor who said that it was time to stop the chemo and just go home and prepare. We then got in the elevator and went up to hold our new granddaughter who was born on the same day. Wow... that's a heavy memory.
I teach 4th grade. They are 9 and 10 year olds. They are a good group... and I go home very tired every night.
I send healing thoughts to all of you. Obviously we are now working at taking better care of ourselves. Judy V0 -
heyjudev: You do become a pretty good actress at times like these. I was fortunate, in a way, because I was retired when my husband died and did not have to face people if I didn't feel like it. I really don't think I could have worked, but I guess I would have found a way, because we do do what has to be done, somehow.
I can understand how "seconds" seem sadder. Like you said, there is a numbness in the beginning that helps us cope. When that ebbs, then reality sets in. Hang in there. It does get better. I don't think "it" ever completely goes away, but you will learn how to live with your grief and incorporate it, and the life you had together, into your new reality.
I have step-children who were older when I got married, so they never lived with us. But, we have a great relationship and they both have children. We don't get to see each other very often because they live in FL and I live in TN. His daughter had a baby 3 years ago and is having another in a couple of months. I believe with all of my heart that he was there when she was born and continues to watch over her. I fully expect the same will happen when the new one arrives.
I don't know if you still have your husbands clothes or not. (I still have all of mine and it's been 6 years. I just can't stand the thoughts of an empty closet....we had his and her's closets.) If you do, you may want to do something similar to what I did for the grand-daughter, and am going to do for the new arrival, for your grandson. I took one of his shirts and made a bunting from an old pattern I had. I really don't think the daughter used it because she thought it was too big, but she loved the idea and was touched by the gift. So, for the new grand-daughter, I am going to use another of his shirts and make a little dress for her to wear. I just feel like when she wears it, it will be like he IS getting to "hold" her.
BTW, congratulations on the 12 pounds lost so far. That's wonderful. Are you able to find time to exercise? I hope you can. That will not only help you loose weight, but also improve your emotional state and give you more energy.
Hope everyone has had a wonderful Easter day and will have a good week.0 -
quilteryoyo:
Thanks for your heartfelt reply. Exercise? Lawn mowing is my spring/summer exercise. I inherited that job before my husband died. He said I did a better job than he did... the perfectionist in me... and the keeping up with the neighbors contributed to that. I do not love the job.
I have two grown sons and one of them is struggling with issues right now that I think stem from him not accepting the grieving process for what it is. I don't know how to help him. His wife confides in me and I don't want to "narc" on her... but he is in a dark place now. My other son seems to be more like me... just rolling with the punches and coming back up.
As far as my husband's clothes. We also had his and her closets. I "moved" into his closet within weeks. I took a carload to Good Will. I just cleaned my closet again and got rid of things on the top shelf that were his. He still has two drawers that I don't know what to do with. I kept some t-shirts that have become sleep-shirts. The idea for the baby bunting is nice. I'm a knitter and a sometimes seamstress, but I think I would have shed too many tears over a project like yours. I did keep his sweaters and I wore them... but now that I'm losing wt... they will be too big.
This weekend, I culled out about 5 pairs of pants that are too big... and went to my skinny closet and found a few things. I think I wore out many of the clothes that are going to be my next size... When I get two sizes down, I have lots of clothes. There's incentive.
I find reading other stories of loss and coping helps me to realize that others struggle just like me and that's life!
I wish comfort,peace and progress to everyone here!0 -
Hello Everyone! Hope you all had a great Easter. I was blessed to spend it with my parents and brother and sister and their families. I have probably been a little hasty in getting rid of some of my husband's clothes, but it has helped me. I had each of my boys pick out a shirt that they remember their dad in and my friend's mom made each of them a Teddy Bear from that shirt. They call them their Daddy Bears. My husband also had a pair of footie-pjs that he lived in! This gal also made 3 more bears from these and so I was able to give one to his brother and his mom and I have one too. I really want to learn to sew and some day be able to make these for other families. If you do sew and want the pattern I will ask to see what it is.
As far as eating went for the weekend, I know I over ate but I think I have done way worse in the past so hopefully that is a little progress.
Becky0 -
I attended a couple of grief groups and I found that while a lot of the feelings are the same, no 2 people grieve the same way. We are all different and our relationships are different. I have come to realize that I am a "keeper." When I was a freshman in high school, I saw my dog get hit by a truck and die. I still have a piece of the rug she slept on.....and I'm not 53. Yikes. So, with that being said, it is hard for me to let go of my husband's things. I will eventually, but probably a little at a time. Like I said, I just can't imagine an empty closet.
I too sleep in my husband's t-shirts. He has a bunch, so I guess I'll never have to buy PJ's again. lol
Heyjudev: Great job on the weight loss and wearing smaller sizes! I can get into my skinny jeans, but they are still just a little too tight to wear. I did wear a pair of jeans yesterday that I had not been able to wear for over a year. So, I was happy! Keep up the good work!
Beckster: I would love to have the teddy bear pattern, if you could find out where she got that, or the name of it. I have been thinking of starting a business to make clothing, buntings, etc out of peoples clothing....as memento's of those who have passed, like we have done, but also just for grandparents who live far away from their children and can't visit, or someone who has a dress they love, but can't wear it anymore, etc. What do you all think?
Hope everyone has a great day and is able to get out and get a little exercise! I'm going to try to run today and I have a tennis match this evening. Should be able to eat just about anything I want to today with all of those extra calories. :happy:0 -
Happy Friday Girls! Hopefully it has not been a Scary Friday the 13th! I have a busy weenend with my son in a 3-on-3 basketball tournament in the morning. I need to do some laundry and clean my house in the afternoon. Sunday I have someone that bought my King size bed coming to get it. Yeah! Have a Queen bed just waiting to be used. And just like that the weekend is going to be over. I hope I can find a few breaths to relax a little this weekend. Tonight is looking like a good time. Raining outside and nothing on the agenda. A little quality time with my boys....great way to end the week.
Eating wise I think I have done really well. I figured calories for almost every meal this week BEFORE I ate it. GO ME! Hope this continues. I really enjoyed see the scale report a 4 lb loss for the first week. Great motivation. Trying not to dwell on the glaring fact that I was really eat so out of control.
Quilteryoyo: I will ask my friend for that pattern and get it to you.
Have a great weekend!
:happy: 0 -
Hi everyone! And welcome to Heyjudev13! I haven't logged in for over a week and we've picked up some serious momentum! I'm dealing with the family issues and helping my sister-in-law deal with her husband. This is going to be a long, slow process so we've set up a system where she stays at my house a couple of days a week to break up her drive and I cook glorious, healthy dinners.
Did I say glorious? I mean it. I'm from the school that says food should comfort us. But I'm doing a good job of making really healthy stuff. Like pasta primavera with whole wheat pasta; home made roasted tomato soup; vegetarian chili; salmon with steamed sweet potatoes and salad; and home baked oatmeal cookies with dried cranberries.
So we're eating healthy and I'm embracing a whole new way to cook. It's keeping me busy and since I'm making my health a top priority, it's rewarding.
I'm only losing weight very slowly — but I'm losing. So ... there's that!
I wanted to tell you all about an online support group that has brought me a lot of comfort since my husband died. I joined very early on ... like a week or two out. It's called Daily Strength and they have support groups for every conceivable thing - but if you look for "Widows and Widowers" you won't regret it. It's a great group with quite a few people going through what we're going through. People get on there and vent, give advice, receive advice and understand that there's no "wrong" way to grieve. I've gotten so much strength from these people.
You were talking about your husband's clothes. I didn't have much trouble getting rid of my husband's clothes. I kept what I wanted and donated most of the rest. Gave some stuff to my brothers. But last Sunday I went through his tools in the garage and that was really a hard day. It's only been just over 6 months, but I'm not a "keeper." I feel the need to keep the things that mean a lot to me and get the rest out of my house. I'm not sure if this is weird or not, but that's how I feel.
Anyway ... have a great weekend everyone. I'll check back soon!0 -
JulieGo, I'm glad things are going better for your family, but sorry it is going to be such a long and slow recovery. That will be hard on all concerned. It sounds like you are handling things well and are a great support for your sister-in-law. She is so lucky to have you!
You're recipes sound wonderful. Made me hungry just reading about them.
You said you were losing weight slowly....that's what you want to do. You'll be much more likely to keep it off if you make lifestyle changes, that result in slow loss, which can be maintained for the rest of your life. And, that sounds like exactly what you are doing. Keep up the good work.
I have a friend coming over to run with me today. We plan on a 4 mile trek , so I'll be burning those calories!
Hope everyone has a great weekend.0 -
I just caught up on recent posts. I'm "supposed" to be checking papers. (school teacher's homework). But here I am... not checking papers. The general "mood" of this group is upbeat and uplifting. I thank you for that. I try not to wallow, but it has been a lonely weekend. I have to confess that I ate out one night and haven't been able to get back on track with controlling my impulsive/compulsive eating. I did throw away the strawberry twizzlers that shouldn't have made it into my possession in the first place. So here begins another week. I've backtracked by two pounds... may be more than a week before I can get back to the wt. that my progress report says I am. Wow... it comes off so slow and goes back on sooo fast. I will be mowing the lawn as soon as the rain stops... and the grass will be long... will probably take extra long to mow... therefore.... there is hope for those two pounds to be worked off. Have a good week everyone.0
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I'm sorry you had a "lonely" weekend. We all have those times when we miss our spouses more and feel "lonely." Well, at least I do. Sometimes there's a particular reason you can put your finger on and sometimes there isn't. Usually when I have those days, I just can't get anything done. I have kept a journal every since my husband got sick and that has helped me tremendously. One such day I had intended to write I had been useless , but my pen wrote "usless." Every since then, I call those days my "us-less" days. Days when I just really miss being "us." So, take heart. You aren't alone in that one.
I think it is funny that you didn't put your weight in when you gained two pounds, because I did the exact same thing. I just didn't confess. :blushing: I am now back to where the tracker says, but that's a pound more than my lowest. But, I'm getting there. You can too!
I too hate how easy it is to put the weight on and hard to take it off. But, I really doubt that you ate enough actual food to gain those 2 pounds over the weekend, so chances are that a large portion of that is water weight. I know, it's still weight, but hopefully won't be quite as hard to get off as it was the first time. Just don't feel guilty about your weekend and then start splurging because you feel you have failed. You have NOT failed. You had a small setback. You're still 10 pounds down and that is amazing!!!
Keep up the good work and I hope you have a great week. That goes for everyone one here.0 -
I also am new to this group . I am 43 my husband of 24 years was killed in a car accident on august 13th 2011 .our 7 year old son was in the truck with him as they rolled down 100 foot cliff .my husband was thrown from my truck our son however did not have a scratch on him physically .however he did come out of the truck after the accident to find his dad under the vehicle . I have 2 beautiful children with this wonderful man a 16 year old daughter and a 8 year old son they both had birthdays in february .it is very hard all the things you have to go through . so dealing with mine and my children's grief is very difficult. I have known I needed to lose weight for a while ,I have p c o s, I need knee replacements and high cholesterol along with fibromialgia . I also have the degenerative joint disease i n both my knees my back my foot and thumb. I never was over weight till I hit around 26 when the pcos kicked in. I had started eating right a week before his accident .I had lost 10 pounds and then after the accident from nauseous since I lost another 10 pounds .I need to do this for myself and my children I'm all they have now . reading how you you all have managed to lose weight and stayed sane with all the sadness it's wonderful to hear .I too have not gotten rid of any of my husband's clothes or his tools or anything .everytime I think about it it's like giving a piece of him away .thank you for listening to me0
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Welcome gtmcuzz! I am sorry you are finding us under these circumstances. I cannot imagine what you are going through. My husband was told in April of 2010 that he could not be cured of his cancer. We were able to keep him for another year and a half. While watching him slowing weaken was not easy, we did have time to talk about some things. Not as much as I would have liked. He didn't like talking about death because in his eyes, talkikng about it was admitting defeat to the cancer. He did not give up until the hospice worker walked in on Saturday. He was gone by Monday afternoon.
Welcome Again!0 -
Welcome to our little group gtmcuzz. I too am sorry we all have to meet under these circumstances. I have a friend who lost her son in a car accident and then a couple years later, her husband passed suddenly from a reaction to some medicine. So, even though I don't know from experience what you are going through, I do know how it affected my friend and it is a very tough thing to handle. All I can say is that grief is a very personal thing and no two people will do it alike. Just take you time and do things at your own pace, no one else's.
I'm sure Feb was a very difficult month for you. All of those "firsts" we go through are hard. It's weird, maybe, but my birthday is one of the hardest days for me, because he isn't here to celebrate with me.
I congratulate you on wanting to get healthier for your children. With all of your other issues, are you able to exercise at all? Have you asked your doctor for advice on exercise and diet? If not, that might be a good starting point. It sounds like you were doing great before the accident, so you can get back on track. Just take it one day at a time! We'll be here for you when you need to vent.0 -
The pattern for the Teddy Bears is Simplicity 5461. These have been a God-send for my boys and I.0
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The pattern for the Teddy Bears is Simplicity 5461. These have been a God-send for my boys and I.
Thanks. I actually went to Hobby Lobby on Saturday. They had their patterns on sale for 99 cents, so I looked, found that pattern and and bought it! Glad it was the correct one! :happy:0 -
Welcome gtmcuzz. You're right about this being a sad group to join. But it's also a very positive group. It's nice because we've all been there and know what the other is feeling. Some for longer than others. I'm a newbie myself — losing my husband last October. Still lots of firsts for me.
Like today. I came down with a cold on Sunday. First cold I've had in years. And, I don't know about any of you, but I hate being alone when I'm sick. I'm getting used to being alone ... little by little ... but not while I'm sick. So I've been feeling very sorry for myself and trying to take care of myself when I used to count on my husband for that.
Which one of y'all wants to bring me some (low fat, low sodium) chicken soup?
I knew it. You'd do it if you could.
Anyway ... my nose is running and my tissues are in the other room.
More later when I'm not a big snot machine.
Julie0 -
You're right, JulieGo. I'd bring you chicken soup if I could. I totally understand how much harder it is to be sick and alone. If nothing else, you miss the sympathy of your spouse. But, it sounds like you have a good attitude about it and are maintaining your sense of humor. Good for you!!! I hope you get to feeling better soon. :flowerforyou:
It's raining here today, so I'm going to have to do my running on the treadmill. I don't think I'm even going to try 30 minutes straight again. Instead, I'm going to do shorter spurts, but at 6mph and see how I do.
Hope you all have a great Wednesday.0 -
Hi ladies,
I'm feeling better. Thanks for the virtual chicken soup. To be honest, I ate like a horse yesterday and slept really well and today I'm almost over it. Sometimes our bodies simply tell us to slow down and take it easy. So I did.
I'm so proud of you quilteryoyo for running on your treadmill. I gave away my treadmill in January because I never used it. I like walking outside with my dog. And she's getting kind of antsy because I've been living like a mushroom for a few days. I'll give it a shot tomorrow.
Still dealing with my brother in law in the hospital. My sister in law is discouraged and depressed and I don't blame her. This thing is going to take a long, long time and patience isn't a virtue either one of has. Keep the prayers coming if you're so inclined.
I saw that some of you were discussing a teddy bear pattern that you've made. I've made that same one! Numerous times! Hard getting those little legs and arms on though.
Okay. Have a good Wednesday lovelies. I have work to do.0 -
So glad you are feeling better, JulieGO. It's okay that you ate like a horse YESTERDAY. Just don't do it again today!
I hope you can get out and get a little bit of exercise. Once I'm finished, I always feel better. It's taking that first step out the door that's the hardest.
I am inclined to prayers, so I will continue to pray for your brother and sister-in-law....and for you too. It's tough having a loved one in the hospital long-term. Very wearing on you mentally and physically. Please keep us informed on his progress.
I did run on the treadmill yesterday. I went for 37 min and a distance of 2.86 miles. I am following a program and miscalculated. I was supposed to do 5 more minutes. Oh well, that was long enough. I did run 9 min at 6 mph and the last 30 sec at 7mph. So, I guess I did okay. I would prefer to run outside right now, but not in the rain. I know lots of people do, but this girl ain't one of them. :laugh:
Hope you all have a healthy day.0 -
Just checking in before the weekend really hits. I'm getting ready to drive for 4 hours after school tomorrow to spend the weekend with one of my sons who is moving. I suspect I will be "the babysitter". As I drag out the suitcase and plan for what to take I think of the times when my husband and I used to make the trip. I am getting used to it but it just seems too much some times. I stop at the bank and get cash. I fill the car with gas. I mow the lawn before I go. I drive and drive and drive. I used to love to ride and ride and ride and we had such good talks in the car. Now I just remember.
I do appreciate hearing everyone's story. Some are truly tragic. My heart goes out to all of you, especially if your kids were young when you lost your husbands... life is not fair. Time does provide a layer of cushioning so it doesn't hurt quite so much.
I just had too much sugar... didn't mean to... cleaning out the console of the "traveling car"... someone had some candy stashed in there. I threw some away but not quite soon enough!!! Some of you are great "cheerleaders" for the cause of getting the pounds off and away. Thank you for that.0
