Jokes to keep you laughing
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> There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
>
> Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and
> after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the
> bathroom.
>
> When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
> 'What happened, Grandpa? He is asked by his concerned children
>
> 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the
> bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it
> wasn't mine, so I put it back!'
>0 -
> There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
>
> Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and
> after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the
> bathroom.
>
> When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
> 'What happened, Grandpa? He is asked by his concerned children
>
> 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the
> bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it
> wasn't mine, so I put it back!'
>
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
sorry Sandy - another blonde joke
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'0 -
5 of 26
The new Priest
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Rick Jean rick98382@gmail.com
10:17 AM (7 hours ago)
to undisclosed recipients
The new Priest
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one fine spring morning in
his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to
get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. It was then noticed a
*kitten* lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The
conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help
you?''
''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a *kitten* lying dead in
me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a moment...........................................
Father O'Malley then replied:
Aye, 'tis certainly true; but
we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''0 -
The new Priest
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one fine spring morning in
his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to
get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. It was then noticed a
*kitten* lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The
conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help
you?''
''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a *kitten* lying dead in
me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a moment...........................................
Father O'Malley then replied:
Aye, 'tis certainly true; but
we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''0 -
Love it.0
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Subject: My final ambition
When I am Old! – by Gervase Phinn (1946- )
When I’m old and I’m wrinkly, I shall not live alone
In a pensioner’s flat or an old people’s home,
Or take an apartment on some distant shore.
I’ll move in with my son and my daughter-in-law.
I’ll return all the joy that my son gave to me
When he sat as a child on his dear mother’s knee.
He will welcome me willingly into his home
When I’m old and I’m wrinkly and all on my own.
I’ll spill coffee on the carpet, leave marks on the wall,
I’ll stagger home drunk and be sick in the hall.
I’ll sing really loudly and slam every door,
When I live with my son and my daughter-in-law.
I’ll rise from my bed in the late afternoon
Throw the sheets on the floor and mess up my room.
I’ll play ear-splitting music well into the night,
Go down for a snack and leave on every light.
I’ll rest my old feet on the new leather chairs,
I’ll drape dirty underwear all down the stairs,
I’ll talk to my friends for hours on the ‘phone
When I live with my son in his lovely new home.
I’ll come in from the garden with mud on my shoes,
Flop on the settee for my afternoon snooze,
Expect that my tea will be ready by four
When I live with my son and my daughter-in-law.
I’ll leave all the dishes piled up in the sink
And invite all my noisy friends round for a drink,
I’ll grumble and mumble, I’ll complain and I’ll moan
When I’m old and I’m wrinkly and all on my own.
I’ll watch television hour after hour,
I’ll not flush the toilet or wash out the shower.
Oh, bliss, what a future for me is in store
When I move in with my son and my daughter-in-law
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I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.0 -
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...0 -
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A
cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free
speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw
the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000." ;
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just
talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in complete astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Have a great day,0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Jake that was really a funny one0
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TOP CARE FOR THE ELDERLY.
A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you, grandpa?" He asks.
"Feeling fine" says the old man
What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out
like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing?" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year
old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a
cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".
"The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling
out of bed".0 -
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question thanks to a few Budweisers
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child.
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.0 -
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive writing really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand what they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.
Enjoy life!!!0 -
Senior Pick Up Line
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"0 -
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves (union folks) did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not very many people know this.0 -
What happen to our jokes teller. I got a big kick tonight rereading the.0
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it moved it too the top but it did not notify me. I guess it does not you own post.
Marie0 -
Jeri I am still laughing over your joke about collection sperms so funny.0
