Self Sabotage
RowdysLady
Posts: 1,370 Member
I've been thinking about this for several days now. Even as I post and say all the "right" things for other people I can't seem to get back on all the right tracks for myself.
I'm not moving and that's always been a problem. I'll do it for a short time then quit. That's probably the least of my worries these days.
I'm not logging my foods so I have no accountability. I tried to start again the other day and failed again over the weekend.
I'm eating whatever is around. Shayla had to make cookies for a project at school. I ate cookies...lots of cookies over the past few days. Sugar cookies, M&M cookies...cookies.
I'm not drinking nearly as much water as I was and I'm starting to see the Pepsi Zero intake climb...which I know is dangerous for me. Yet here I am drinking them. I wish it were as easy as "just not buying them". Damn PepsiCo.
I'm out of Ketosis as evidenced by negative on the strips.
My BPC has sweetener in it every day again, whereas it was only if I was making Mocha before.
I'm taking tastes of foods that I know are not Keto friendly because "a taste won't hurt me". Yeah right.
I've lost almost 50 lbs and I want to lose more. Why would I just stop caring about all of this? I want to care. I do care when I'm not indulging in bad behavior but the minute I go habit eat a cookie I think "whatever, I'll be fine". Well we all know I won't be fine. I'll start to gain and lose all my progress.
The worst part is I've been doing all or a combo of these behaviors for several weeks now and I'm still losing some. Which only sets into my head that "I must be ok doing these awful things because I'm still losing". I really am smart enough when I'm rational to know that's not true but the moment I become irrational and pick up a cookie I think "I'll be fine".
I have my first physical early next month in over a decade and I couldn't wait to see what the results were but now they'll be skewed.
How do I kickstart myself back to what I was like when I decided Keto was the way to go back in April? What makes us do this to ourselves? I wonder if I should increase from 20 to something like 50 but I'm scared I'll start gaining weight...yet clearly I'm eating at least that many right now if not many many many more. Who's going to come to East Texas and kick me in the *kitten* for being an idiot? I can't seem to do it myself.
I need the most sage advice from someone who's been here. Stuck in a spiral downward in every possible way.
I'm not moving and that's always been a problem. I'll do it for a short time then quit. That's probably the least of my worries these days.
I'm not logging my foods so I have no accountability. I tried to start again the other day and failed again over the weekend.
I'm eating whatever is around. Shayla had to make cookies for a project at school. I ate cookies...lots of cookies over the past few days. Sugar cookies, M&M cookies...cookies.
I'm not drinking nearly as much water as I was and I'm starting to see the Pepsi Zero intake climb...which I know is dangerous for me. Yet here I am drinking them. I wish it were as easy as "just not buying them". Damn PepsiCo.
I'm out of Ketosis as evidenced by negative on the strips.
My BPC has sweetener in it every day again, whereas it was only if I was making Mocha before.
I'm taking tastes of foods that I know are not Keto friendly because "a taste won't hurt me". Yeah right.
I've lost almost 50 lbs and I want to lose more. Why would I just stop caring about all of this? I want to care. I do care when I'm not indulging in bad behavior but the minute I go habit eat a cookie I think "whatever, I'll be fine". Well we all know I won't be fine. I'll start to gain and lose all my progress.
The worst part is I've been doing all or a combo of these behaviors for several weeks now and I'm still losing some. Which only sets into my head that "I must be ok doing these awful things because I'm still losing". I really am smart enough when I'm rational to know that's not true but the moment I become irrational and pick up a cookie I think "I'll be fine".
I have my first physical early next month in over a decade and I couldn't wait to see what the results were but now they'll be skewed.
How do I kickstart myself back to what I was like when I decided Keto was the way to go back in April? What makes us do this to ourselves? I wonder if I should increase from 20 to something like 50 but I'm scared I'll start gaining weight...yet clearly I'm eating at least that many right now if not many many many more. Who's going to come to East Texas and kick me in the *kitten* for being an idiot? I can't seem to do it myself.
I need the most sage advice from someone who's been here. Stuck in a spiral downward in every possible way.
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Replies
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RowdysLady wrote: »Who's going to come to East Texas and kick me in the *kitten* for being an idiot?
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I think your issue is mental. May I ask you about your frame of mind? Do you believe you deserve the weight loss and your new and incredible looking body? Are you sure you are not self sabotaging because deep down you believe you are not worthy of it?
I ask this as I have been there and done it myself. Self sabotage because my inner voice told me I would not succeed, why bother and you'll always be fat, so who are you kidding?
I had to learn to shut that *kitten* up before I could loose the weight. Before that I was a complete jo jo. Up and down, then further up... vicious circle.6 -
Definitely following this....I am in the same situation. I was doing so well for a while. No major loss as far as numbers go but I am down 1-2 pant sizes. I know it works!
I am nibbling on things here and there, eating things I know I am not supposed to eat, and justifying every bit of it in the moment while kicking myself 30 minutes later.0 -
I think your issue is mental. May I ask you about your frame of mind? Do you believe you deserve the weight loss and your new and incredible looking body? Are you sure you are not self sabotaging because deep down you believe you are not worthy of it?
I ask this as I have been there and done it myself. Self sabotage because my inner voice told me I would not succeed, why bother and you'll always be fat, so who are you kidding?
I had to learn to shut that *kitten* up before I could loose the weight. Before that I was a complete jo jo. Up and down, then further up... vicious circle.
I immediately started to cry when I read this...and now I can't stop. Gee thanks @Bonny132...sheesh
. Methinks you hit the nail on the head since it caused such a strong reaction in me. It doesn't seem like it should be it as I'm in the best, healthiest place I've been in years. I'm happier than I can ever remember being. I've got a great sig other in Rowdy - better than any relationship I've ever been in. Work and kids are pretty darn good overall. There just aren't a million things going wrong in my life these days the way they were a year ago and I should be all set to do this new thing right too. In all these adult years this past has been the very best of my life ever. 9 -
Oh I know that yo-yo cycle so well. I have successfully overeaten keto foods and stalled my weight loss plenty of times during this journey and am going through one of those phases right now. I'm two weeks out from a 24-hour carbfest that resulted in me kind of OD'ing on peanut butter and making myself incredibly ill and bloated. And I've since been (over)eating whatever low carb food I want to try and refocus and it's not really helping matters.
For me, logging is imperative, when I don't log, I overeat, carbs or no carbs. And with it getting dark early now, I'm not inclined to go to the gym, which just means more time to eat.
I have begged my husband to join the gym with me for the winter while it's too dark and cold to walk outside, I think I nearly have him convinced. And I've put him in charge of my consequences/punishment for eating too much, and he's taking his responsibilities seriously lol, problem is that I'm not.
I'm getting back on track, slowly but surely. Some days I just want to beat myself up (today) other days I'm a lot more positive(tomorrow maybe) and I try to remember that this is not a short journey and there will be bumps in the road, but I must continue to move forward.
Sounds like you know what your problems are, as much as I do mine. It's time we put our solutions into action and stop feeling sorry for ourselves
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How about I feel sorry for you @PaleoInScotland and you'll feel sorry for me then we can both move forward :-)
This really sucks because when I put the whatever in my hand I don't care in that moment but then I think about the last day or week and say to myself "what the hell?!"1 -
RowdysLady wrote: »I think your issue is mental. May I ask you about your frame of mind? Do you believe you deserve the weight loss and your new and incredible looking body? Are you sure you are not self sabotaging because deep down you believe you are not worthy of it?
I ask this as I have been there and done it myself. Self sabotage because my inner voice told me I would not succeed, why bother and you'll always be fat, so who are you kidding?
I had to learn to shut that *kitten* up before I could loose the weight. Before that I was a complete jo jo. Up and down, then further up... vicious circle.
I immediately started to cry when I read this...and now I can't stop. Gee thanks @Bonny132...sheesh . Methinks you hit the nail on the head since it caused such a strong reaction in me. It doesn't seem like it should be it as I'm in the best, healthiest place I've been in years. I'm happier than I can ever remember being. I've got a great sig other in Rowdy - better than any relationship I've ever been in. Work and kids are pretty darn good overall. There just aren't a million things going wrong in my life these days the way they were a year ago and I should be all set to do this new thing right too. In all these adult years this past has been the very best of my life ever.
It was hard for me to stop myself self sabotaging. It actually took my new partner to turn around and tell me he did not care about my size BUT that I needed to start loving myself.
The loving part is hard, I still struggle with it. I have a wonderful partner who loves me for who I am, but my struggle is to learn to love myself. I am so used to looking into the mirror and hate what I see, so it is easy to give in and over eat. But I am slowly learning that I need to stay strong and to learn to love myself, love my body, appreciate compliments and more importantly to take a step back and to realise, I want to look good and comfortable in my body. I will never be a skinny minny but I will feel sexy, I will feel confident and I will be looking great.
It took me years to realise this, I wish I had years ago, but then I might not have met my partner so who am I to argue?2 -
(hugss)) I know this is tough to go through....In a ways I'm glad I'm a diabetic because that takes the focus on just "losing weight" and places it on health. I'll be damned if I allow my bad eating habits rob me of time with my children. NOT.GOING.TO.HAPPEN. That being said it helps me to focus on that when I want to eat carbage. Fitness helps me a lot too because I feel better and stronger and healthier after doing it and I don't want to throw it away for FOOD of all things. Keep fighting those inner demons. YOU ARE WORTH IT! Nothing is worth our health. Rooting for you!8
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Wish I could help. Bonnie's post kinda hit home for me as well and I had some stuff written but I edited it out because Debbie Downers is not what you need to hear!1
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I understand, I'm going through the same thing. I want to eat what I want to eat, because I've always eaten my feelings for comfort. And with the US the way things are going, my sugar addict inside telling me to go ahead, WW 111 is coming and will you care about how many *kitten* carbs you eat then?
Bob's super into politics, and his doom and gloom every day really brings me down bad. I want to bury my sorrow, frustration and worry in cake.
In not sure what to do either, I've been trying to just eat keto *kitten*, but it doesn't quiet the demon, ya know?
Oh and I failed at smoking cessation so that might have a bunch to do with my defeatist attitude ATM...
And I just read @Catawampous s post and feel like I did what she avoided. I'm sorry for being a negative Nellie. I want to help you!1 -
Usually I get that way when something is going on in my personal life, and until I solved it it didn't stop. In my case I was living with crazy in laws that tried to control what I cooked or how I cooked. They are very narcissistic and emotionally abusive people. I moved out as fast as I could, but until I did, I struggled and struggled bad. I ate fast food to avoid them so I wouldn't have to be in the kitchen and you can see it in my weight graphs back in June thru August. It's much better now but it did take time for me to get back to where I was.
But anyway, I guess my point is you need to figure out what's stressing you out and what's upsetting you that derailed you so you can focus on that and get yourself back on track. If it's possible to get away from it, do so, and if not try to think of the best way to deal with it. I would do a lot of prep meals or crock pot meals so you have easy grab and go options while you're working out your stress. A walk or run out in the fresh air might help too, and make sure to get plenty of rest.3 -
SuperCarLori wrote: »I understand, I'm going through the same thing. I want to eat what I want to eat, because I've always eaten my feelings for comfort. And with the US the way things are going, my sugar addict inside telling me to go ahead, WW 111 is coming and will you care about how many *kitten* carbs you eat then?
Bob's super into politics, and his doom and gloom every day really brings me down bad. I want to bury my sorrow, frustration and worry in cake.
In not sure what to do either, I've been trying to just eat keto *kitten*, but it doesn't quiet the demon, ya know?
Oh and I failed at smoking cessation so that might have a bunch to do with my defeatist attitude ATM...
And I just read @Catawampous s post and feel like I did what she avoided. I'm sorry for being a negative Nellie. I want to help you!
Nah...hearing others are where I am is good to know. Not that I want you or @Catawampous to struggle (I read your thread too) but commiseration is something we as humans need. I hate knowing that I'm being an idiot yet don't seem to care that I'm being an idiot. Ya know?2 -
It's a journey of see saws. Forgive yourself the slide backs, because guilt tripping yourself is toxic. Making errors is at the core of being human. Use the errors to identify which situations or foodtypes etc that are traps for you. You seem to already be good at observing yourself which is the first step. Ask yourself what's holding you back to change to be someone you wanna be? It can be a very uncomfortable or surprising answer sometimes. It IS a journey. Be happy about all the things or minigoals you've already achieved. Set yourself up for success, not failure. Take care and find the balance between being gentle but firm with yourself
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You know @Bonny132 I also believe that it is what that came before that brought me to where I am today - that is had I not had a failed marriage before or had I not been over 300 lbs before or blah blah blah I may never had found my way to Rowdy. I often wonder what it would have been like to have met him first but then I think maybe had we met in our teens or 20s it would have been disastrous. We were not ready for each other then. So I try to think of everything that happened before as a learning experience and not a failure but boy...this whole WOE is feeling failure ish right now. I can't seem to get any part of it back on track. I'll keep on trying...0
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Foamroller wrote: »It's a journey of see saws. Forgive yourself the slide backs, because guilt tripping yourself is toxic. Making errors is at the core of being human. Use the errors to identify which situations or foodtypes etc that are traps for you. You seem to already be good at observing yourself which is the first step. Ask yourself what's holding you back to change to be someone you wanna be? It can be a very uncomfortable or surprising answer sometimes. It IS a journey. Be happy about all the things or minigoals you've already achieved. Set yourself up for success, not failure. Take care and find the balance between being gentle but firm with yourself
From your mouth to my ears, right? I may write this down and repeat it daily til I wake back up.2 -
Yanno ... maybe what I said wasn't as bad as I thought. Because thinking about it, sometimes we don't do things for ourselves. We WILL do things for someone else though. So here's what I wrote.
I think for me right now what's keeping me going is the fact of how much better I feel. And in the back of my head I know if I don't get a handle on this, I'll end up leaving my hubby in this sucky world all by himself. We always said we wouldn't leave each other in this ****hole alone. And yeah, that sounds like a HORRIBLE view of the world. But for us, where we come from, the age we grew up in and what the world looks like now. Yup. It's a ****hole in our eyes.6 -
RowdysLady wrote: »How about I feel sorry for you @PaleoInScotland and you'll feel sorry for me then we can both move forward :-)
This really sucks because when I put the whatever in my hand I don't care in that moment but then I think about the last day or week and say to myself "what the hell?!"
Sounds like a deal!
But seriously, we've both come so far this year, and I know for me, none of these roadblocks have been real setbacks. As much as they suck, and as crappy as I feel about my failures along the way, the truth is, before this woe, I would NEVER have been able to rebound so quickly. One bad meal would have turned into two months of eating like crap.
I was 3 lbs away from getting to 100lbs lost recently and I just plunged off the deep end literally without even thinking about it, it was really quite silly. I was out of town for work and just ordered a pizza from room service without a moment's thought of my diet, which is so unlike me, but I was exhausted and my brain wasn't working. And no, I was not going to just eat the toppings when I ended up staring at that plate of dough, I don't have that level of self control. But as ridiculous as I feel about what I did and the nightmare that followed, I didn't continue eating carbs, it lasted 24 hours and then I stopped... that was a win for me. Even though I haven't recovered from the whole mess in terms of getting back to losing weight, the spiral ended quickly.
Guess my point is, try to focus on the wins and appreciate your successes instead of beating yourself up for your mistakes.
I really hate myself today and I told my husband, he really doesn't get the self loathing I deal with, but he was really sensitive to it today and has been working really hard to love me twice as much while I can't love myself. It can be hard to talk to our menfolk about our feelings sometimes, but I'm glad I shared with him today. It really helps to have a spouse, friend, parent, adult child, etc who can support you through this journey.3 -
@RowdysLady There is not a person (probably more women) on the forum who has not done exactly what you just described at some point in their journey. I sometimes feel sorry for myself because I can't eat (insert any carb here) and, yes, I take just a taste, again and again......justifying that everyone else eats it (of course they stop at a reasonable amount and I don't!)
If you fell in the field out back, would you stay on the ground all day? Of course not, you would get up, dust yourself off, inspect for injuries and hobble home. Point being, you know what you have to do, you've done really well to date, praise yourself and get back to plan. Emphasis on the praise yourself!6 -
I agree..FORGIVE YOURSELF! Years ago I lost 40 pounds on WW. I started and stopped so many times before I was successful. I would go to a meeting/weigh in, do really well for a few days, have a bad day of eating then quit until the next meeting so I could "start fresh". It wasn't until I realized that bad days happen sometimes, and I can just move on. Instead of beating myself up for being a failure, I just did better the next day. I was so hard on myself and saw every little blip as proof that I couldn't do it. You CAN do it. A day, week, or even a few weeks can't erase all the good you have done. Make a plan for tomorrow for what you are going to eat. Include a few snacks to have for back up, salty and sweet just in case you need them. If you don't, great! If you do, then you have a plan. Get through tomorrow, then plan the next day. One day at a time. You can do it!6
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Hugs to you @RowdysLady! I am a Type A perfectionist (and recognize it). That's your first 'win', you have already stepped back and recognized what is happening, you are NOT oblivious to it. Now just start with one or two things you think you might be able to control easier (for me it would be get off the sweetener in the BPC, and get my water in.) Focus on the positive steps you are taking, even if that is logging part of your day, or just getting the water in. Grab Rowdy's hand and go out for a walk. Hold each other in a good long firm hug 20 seconds if you can before you part for the day, and when you reunite.
articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2014/02/06/hugging.aspx
Okay, enough advice from me (I have a 'man-style' problem solver type personality which sometimes gets in the way of my empathic 'female-type' side). I will shut up now
. I know you will find your way through this. We have faith that you will continue to make great progress in your health journey. 5 -
There is so much good advice here along with experience. The only thing I can add is that I have noticed that when I start eating carbs - for any reason - there is never a point of "enough". It's like searching for a place where I've finally had enough and can quit looking for more but it never comes. I just want more and more and more. And then some more. So the only answer is to stop eating them and go through the horrors of withdrawal once again. It's starting over once again except this time you know why you feel like "kitten" and you know that after a few days you will feel better and that eventually you will feel like your old "new" self again.
Eventually this, too, shall pass. You have a place to come until it does.11 -
PaleoInScotland wrote: »
I really hate myself today and I told my husband, he really doesn't get the self loathing I deal with, but he was really sensitive to it today and has been working really hard to love me twice as much while I can't love myself. It can be hard to talk to our menfolk about our feelings sometimes, but I'm glad I shared with him today. It really helps to have a spouse, friend, parent, adult child, etc who can support you through this journey.
I read everything you wrote but this got to me. Rowdy came home from work just a bit ago and it was a tough day for him - two of his guys didn't show up and he's exhausted. So much so that he didn't even go hunting after work - which is is all time favorite thing to do. I was dying to talk to him about what's going on with me. He will listen to every single word (and actually hear it) even though he can't understand how I feel. I want him to know what's going on with me. I also know that right now is not the time. I need to wait until after dinner, once we are alone and the house is quiet. I know he will be there for me and try to make me feel better but I have to wait until he's unwound from his awful day. He can't fix it but I know that I will feel somewhat better once he's reminded me he loves me as I am. And @canadjineh he will give me that hug for sure. I'm going to unplug now and head down to the pond where he is fishing and listen to his day knowing he'll listen to mine a little later. Fishing together will be our walk 14 -
You are blessed.0
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@missippibelle and @supergal3
I'm gonna try... thank you.
@suzqtme I am blessed in life and family these days. Took a long time to get here but yes. And I do hope it will pass with me overcoming vs succumbing. Thank you.1 -
*hug* Rowdy! I have been going through the exact same thing for a few weeks now too! I am good for a couple of days, then for some reason I eat cookies. Not just one cookie, LOTS of cookies. Or Halloween little chocolate bars, lots of them. Rice, bread... I've dabbled in all of it lately and I am not proud of myself. In fact, every night I go to bed beating myself up, and I've been avoiding this forum because of it. =(
I get up the next day planning to be good, and it starts out well, but then.... I screw it all up and don't ever make it to the gym, etc etc. *sigh*
Anyway - just wanted you to know you're not alone. I feel ya!2 -
Thank you @Zenwenner. I'm sorry you are going through this too. If I could recommend you not avoid the forums here - we won't beat you up and as you can see we will try to help you stop beating yourself up too. Everyone is so supportive! Love you guys!!1
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Ok, my typo in the word sabotage in my title is driving me crazy. I do know how to spell most of the time...sigh.2
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LOL. Where's the Spelling Police? Probably eating donuts somewhere.7
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We're going to need to start a *kitten* ups only challenge lol.
Hold one another accountable. Message one another when things are dicey. Reach out for compassion and a shoulder, or even a *kitten* fest.
I've been doing the same thing, @Zenwenner and am ashamed to log it, I'm hiding it, like I used to do while using! I want to be back to where I was a few months ago.
Anyone else interested in a cheaters anonymous challenge thread?
@RowdysLady would that help you? I know I need a reset.1 -
Hey, just came across this! Check out number 8!!!
Well check them ALL out lol
http://alldayidreamaboutfood.com/2015/05/top-10-tips-for-getting-back-on-track-with-your-low-carb-diet.html2
