Today was...not great. First time I “broke” in a long time. Went to the doctor for a 2pm appt and had the bright idea to fast, so I could get the blood work done right after my appt. I didn’t get out until 3:30pm. I really should’ve waited until Monday for the blood work. There was no rush.

Ate a healthy planned lunch (around 500 cal but high in protein) at 4pm but still felt hungry. I’m pretty sure I would’ve felt full had I waited...but the fasting messed with my impulse control. So I ate a pint of low-calorie ice cream. Felt terrible afterwards and decided to avoid the gym.

It’s odd. When I make unhealthy choices, I have a moment where I’m like “this is it. I’m back to where I was before” because weight loss is very much a mental battle. Logically, I know it’s not true but that doesn’t change how I feel. Like today I felt like I was a 221 pound woman who was too intimidated/exhausted to go to the gym and who made bad food choices on a normal basis.

It’s kind of like how, at 220 pounds, I was more similar to the woman I am now than I was to the 221 pound woman. At 220 pounds I ate a significantly healthier diet and paid a lot of attention to my body and how it was feeling. But no one knew that. They didn’t comment until I had lost 20 pounds.

I know I’m going to get over my negative moment because of experience. I’ve had these moments before, will have them again, and I will get through them and back on track every time. I also intuitively know how to make healthier choices, am paying attention to how I feel, and have the tools to succeed at my disposal. My body is also stronger now.

But I guess the point of this long, rambling post is to acknowledge that making a healthy lifestyle change is a battle of the mind. The weight does not reflect who I am. If I give up today, I will be that unhealthy woman tomorrow, even if I won’t look it for quite some time. This is why you can’t diet for awhile and then quit. It has to be a lifestyle change or it won’t last. And if I get back on track tomorrow, I’ll be far healthier than I was today—even if I look the same. Weight loss is a day by day thing where it takes hundreds of decisions to make a significant change. I find this heartening since it means today’s lapse of judgement is just a blip. One decision won’t wreck all the work I’ve done.

I also wanted to share this so that people will know they aren’t alone. I feel confident that these moments happen to many of us. I’ve lost 45 pounds since October, and I have had many of these moments. There was the time I ate 4 brownies at work. The time I ate two Panera cookies. The time I finished a bag of chocolate granola. (Sugar is certainly a trigger for me.) Typically, we only get to see the successes of others. But it’s important to know that everyone has tough times, too.

When I see people who were doing a great job disappear from MFP (and who were still far from their goals), I often wonder what happened? A family emergency? Work crises? I would guess that they often stop after a bad day where they just didn’t want to see just how far over calories they went. So I went ahead and ate a light and healthy dinner, tracked my calories for the day, and spilled my guts on this forum.