My Starting Weight:
~375 lbs (01/01/2017)
My goal:
180 lbs
Milestone:
215 lbs
Current Weight:
225.8 lbs
Loss this Week:
+2.7 lbs
Total Loss:
-149.2 lbs

What's Working/What Needs Work:

*sigh*

And we continue the trend upwards. I'm now up 8 lbs from my all time low of 217.9 lbs 2 months ago. The slowing that was going on all summer is officially in a stall - that low was 9 weeks ago, so has been a gain of nearly 1 lb a week stretched out over that time. Obviously this is not all water weight; there has been regain in there. I've got a 1 lb/wk deficit, but am having a devil of a time sticking to it and am over 5 out of 7 days now, and usually when I find myself in the red, the next thing I know, I've snacked all the way up to and past maintenance before I really even realize it. And this is with keeping no snack foods in the house! Its amazing what my mind will come up with to snack on; if there isn't a snack food available, then my brain will go right to the staples, even munching on dry oatmeal.

Because my activity levels have tanked, I've lost that extra 400 to 500 calories a day I was getting in and it shows badly. But no matter how hard I try - no matter how much I mentally plead with myself, conjole myself, or even try to strong-arm myself, I can't get the motivation to actually do anything; it just seems to require such a huge gargantuan effort. I'm doing good to get the housework done, and even that's suffering. Getting up earlier doesn't work; I have good intentions when I set the alarm the night before, but I cannot win the battle to actually get out of bed when it goes off; it seems that when that alarm goes off at 6 am, I'm finally sleeping good and just don't want to get up, so the next thing I know, its 15 til 7 and I have just enough time to get dressed, feed the cats, get my coffee and something quick to eat and start the day. So I tell myself that we'll do cardio at lunch, then, but then lunch rolls around, and the idea, like today, sounds so exhausting that I just can't bring myself to do it. and forget doing anything after work - by the end of the day, my willpower is gone totally after using up what little I had just to get through the day period. Course then guilt sets in because I look back over the day and see that I got absolutely nothing worthwhile done at all, and even if I managed to accomplish SOMETHING, the guilt hits because it should have been done a week ago. I tell myself tomorrow is a new day, you can start new tomorrow, but then the next day comes and goes and its more of the same.

I'm afraid to raise my calorie limit again. I'm struggling already to stay under maintenance and that's with my deficit set to 1 lb/wk. I can't stay to the deficit now; things will only be worse if I don't have any buffer zone whatsoever.

*sigh*

Well, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, but really, what choice do I have? Life moves on whether I want it to or not. Keep going forward and hopefully something will change eventually.

@NovusDies

I got a 6 mile walk in today in the sunshine - does that count as light therapy? lol

I know this has affected my NEAT as well as my activity levels, which in turn powers that stupid scale turn around.

And you are very right - you have a great talent for counseling and I appreciate your efforts with me, frustrating as I can be!

@conniewilkins56

I"m glad you described it even if it felt crazy to write it down. I'm starting to realize I've been low for so long I don't know what life is supposed to be like. My normal is just flat - not sad, not drowning, but just apathetic. My normal is like a gray world with no wind, no air movement, gray sky over a barren desert where sometimes it feels like I'm outside myself watching myself as my emotions including anger are muted. I have my times where I suddenly feel like I'm caught in a flash flood and just clinging to a rock while the wave try to drown and the storm above tries to pull me every which way, and I felt that worse in college than now, but those kind of days are few and far between and less since I've gotten older.

The sad part is I'm isolated and always have been. I've never really had my 'niche', my people. I didn't have friends in high school, didn't go to parties, didn't participate in much, and when I did, I was always awkward and out of place, even in family and church gatherings. I was the kid who stood quietly on the sidelines watching everyone else, even if it was supposed to be a group game. I just didn't have anything in common with my classmates or my cousins, and I've always been on the outside looking in. That's probably why my favorite books and tv shows are about groups or siblings that have a close bond with each other.

College was a little better but only in that I became more independent and stepped out of my mother's shadow. I still didn't have a niche or a group, still was on the outside, and still kept to myself, at least until the last 2 years and my best friend and I became friends. I spent my Friday evenings in college down at the music hall playing piano, and the few groups I tried out I was still on the outside looking in. Graduating college and entering the workplace hasn't changed anything in that regard. Apparently, somewhere along the way, I missed the class on 'social interaction'. I've learned to fake it, learned to be friendly and talkative - most people would say "too talkative" to the point of annoying - but at the end of the day, I'm still on the outside looking in, even amongst my work group. Whenever the whole group gets together for a meeting, I'm still on the sidelines because I just can't follow the conversation as its on things I don't know anything about and my interests are just weird and better kept to myself (because really, while I love the characters in my head, no one else cares to know about them).

And then there's the total complete lack of any sort of romantic life, and I cringe at that because so many people tell me how lucky I am to be single or "oh, you just haven't met the right person yet." But its like I told my pastor here recently when he claimed he was "looking for a man for me" - good luck. If I haven't found one in 40 years or even found one that was remotely interested, chances are good that it's not going to happen - if no one, even the weirdos have even been interested, I think I can make a safe bet that romance isn't in my future.


i call myself an extroverted introvert - I'm introverted in that I don't like large gatherings or being the center of attention and like some alone time, but I still need some social interaction to pull me out of my headspace. That is one thing I still can't get through the bets friend's head - we had a really rough patch in our friendship a few years ago because she got to the point where she wouldn't talk to me, thinking I wouldn't want to know what was going on with her or what she was interested. The problem is, that left me too much time alone, and too much time alone, like driving long trips to and from worksites, leads to very negative thinking for me. That's part of why I disappear into my head world; it gets me out of the negative mind traps.

My immediate family doesn't know and would be shocked if they did. But there's a lot of stigma still in my family about it which makes me rather reluctant to let them know besides that my mom has her hands full with my dad and my sister and being my brother's sanity board with his insane in-laws; she can't deal with me too - I'm the one she isn't supposed to have to worry about.

@eliezalot

Thank you! Sometimes just being able to type out my thoughts really does help; I just apologize for hte long rambles!

I've also realized after Tuesday's session with the counselor, that I might be better ahead to write down what I'm thinking and put my thoughts in order that way and send it to her rather than trying to talk it out; the last 2 times of trying to talk it out hasn't really worked well; I think better in print - probably why you guys get the lengthy essays from me all the time. And I do feel so sorry for the fanfiction writers who ask for reviews because they get extra long ones from me when I decide to send one on occasion! Teaches them to be careful what they wish for

@gewel321

oh no, I don't consider out of line! I appreciate advice from experience!



Sorry guys, for hijacking the thread and tacking it really, really way off topic!

Age: 45
Height: 5’4"
SW: 345.8 lbs
CW: 256.6

Super pleased to be down another big chunk this week! I think I've lost the bulk of my vacation weight gain now. My goal is to be back in the low 250s before Thanksgiving. Totally doable, but I do need to stay vigilant and keep making good choices.

I am also very happy that I feel like I'm back to normal at the gym. I missed over 2 weeks for covid, had a few days back and then missed another week for vacation, and I definitely felt weaker when I went back. I finally feel like I'm back to almost full strength, and I'm burning calories consistent to what I was doing before.

Age: 29
Height: 5’8"
SW: 348 lbs
CW: 277.8 lbs

I haven't been weighing since I wanted to give myself a little time to adjust after a lowered deficit so today was the first time I'd stepped on the scale in a while.

I was surprised with hitting that 70lb loss! This feels totally bonkers. Bodies are pretty cool!