Thoughts and Feelings
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You didn't hijack anything, I'm glad you posted. That's why I put my post here instead of just journaling privately. I have said it before, and I'll say it again. I love this thread. We can explore our inner space while we work on improving the outer.
A lot of what you wrote is all too familiar. There are some differences--I am very fortunate that most of my friends and family have been very supportive of my weight loss, for one, that's a major blessing and I'm grateful. Also, although I'm worried about the journey and maybe a little scared of what life will be after I hit my goal, I have no doubt that I will hit it. I have a steely resolve. That's code for 'stubborn as hell'.
But the unfair double standard? That I recognize. It's so easy to be kind and supportive and forgiving for other people. And so impossible to be kind to ourselves, to forgive ourselves. And for me, at least, that comes with a dose of guilt. If I hold myself to a higher standard than other people, what does that say about me?
Warning: tangent ahead.
I have had a self-protective barrier of sarcasm and cynicism since I was a teenager. At the time I valued dignity and intelligence very highly. In the last few years I have come to value compassion and sincerity above other human attributes, and with that came a realization that my defining traits were no longer things that I valued.
Much harder than my weight loss, much harder than coming to terms with spirituality and gender and all the other big questions I've grappled with over the years, has been the task of shedding my skin of sarcasm and negativity. I want to be kind and generous and earnest. I have made progress.
That warmth usually flows easily nowadays, when directed at other people. But pointing it inwards is difficult. To say the least.
So when I note that I am not as proud of myself as I would want someone else to be if they were in my shoes, and when I note that I hold myself to impossible standards, it serves to emphasize that my change is not complete. I have a lot of work to do. It makes losing the weight look easy in comparison.
But damn, am I stubborn. I'll get there.0 -
I have one amazing husband!!! I don't have a gym nearby, nor the money to join if there was one. My hubby was visiting with a buddy of his and they got on the subject of cleaning out their excess stuff for our township's clean up day. The guy said he had an elliptical machine he wanted to sell because both he and his wife had knee replacements and couldn't use it. He said paid over $600 for it and didn't want to just junk it, my hubby showed some interest, but didn't think we could afford to buy it. The guy said he'd make him a deal -- if he helped him clean out his shed, he sell it to him for $20 !!!!! Long story, short - my husband work half day on Saturday so that I could be the proud owner of an elliptical machine - I will finally start an exercise routine!!!5
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That is wonderful, Kimber! You are one lucky woman to have a thoughtful husband like that! He wouldn't happen to have any umarried brothers, would he? lol0
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He does, but they are like night and day and I wouldn't wish him on anyone!!!! LOL! I didn't meet him until I was in my 40's and we married when I was 47 and he was 52 (my 2nd, his first) There's someone out there - be patient!!1
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*sigh* That's what everyone tells me, but I'm something of a pessimist - some people, I think, were meant to be single. When you get to 37 and have never even been asked out and barely had anyone show any interest at all (and the only 2 that ever showed interest was a guy older than your parents and another who you realized was flirting to get you to buy more sandwiches), you begin to think that it's probably not meant to be.
And I do fully acknowledge that I'd much rather be an old maid than stuck with the wrong person - I've had plenty of examples of that in my family! There truly are much worse things out there than being single!0 -
Not doing so great, tbh. The scale is actually a little higher than it was this time last week, despite being under on kcal every day except one. I've read that sometimes water weight from sodium can be delayed, and I had a ton of sodium earlier in the week, so maybe that's all it is. But I'm feeling discouraged.
So the scale isn't moving, but I did end up retiring two of my favorite pieces of clothing this week because I put them on and they were way too big. My everyday wardrobe is down to two pairs of pants, two shirts, and one sweater. And one of those pairs of pants really needs to go, but I really can't deal with just one. No money to buy clothes because I'm still dealing with money issues from the car wreck.
If my running wasn't going so well I don't know what I would do. But it is, and I don't want to lose momentum there. So I'm just going to keep trucking along under the assumption that things will pick up.3 -
I can commiserate, Wind. I don't consider myself doing so hot lately, either. I had a great loss last week, but this week, I barely lost 0.4 lbs. My activity is up because I'm working on my house to sell it, but that makes my hunger drive go up, and I find myself eating more than I should, and I've never had great will power to being with.
I've got some clothing I should retire, but I'm trying to make do with what I have, so I'm either wearing a belt with my older pants or taking them to the sewing machine and tucking the waist band. That's partly because I cringe at the expense of buying new clothes, and probably because in the back of my mind, there's always the worry of gaining the weight back again and needing them again, so if I just take them up, I can always let them back out. Of course, taking them up means they are really, really baggy on the legs!
I was able to wear a shirt to work today that I hadn't been able to wear in a while, and I'm pleased to say it fits nicely, and I have a few others in my closet that were smaller from the last time I lost weight, so I won't be in quite the dire straights you are lol Do you have a Gabes or a Goodwill in your area? Perhaps you can find something there that can tide you over until you can afford something better?
congratulations on the running, though! You are doing wonderful with it, and your determination to succeed is admirable!1 -
Thanks, I'm more proud of the running than I am the weight loss for some reason. Because it's harder, I guess.
There are some Goodwill and other thrift shops around, but I'm still unable to find anything that fits me. I'm just not there yet, but it'll happen.
Also, and this is totally unrelated to weight loss and clothes and everything--I am just super annoyed by everything today. I think I need a nap.1 -
It is Friday, and it's been a long week, so you're forgiven for being cranky today lol
I do understand. I mentioned to a co-worker this week that I was going to have to perhaps start looking for some new pants but that they were always so darned expensive online, and she says "just go to Gabes!" I told her that Gabe's doesn't carry my size, but she wouldn't hear it. "oh, yes they do!"
What she doesn't get is that most plus size sections in any store stops at most at a 24W, and usually all you see with any consistency is a 22W (all womens sizes, of course). Even Walmart barely carries anything in a 26W, and its only been on a very rare occasion that I've ever seen a 30/32W top at Walmart. Shoot, I have a hard time finding anything over a 26W on Amazon!
so sorry, wind, if it sounded a little patrionizing - being a woman who was up to a 30/32W top and 30W pants and just now flirting with 26W, I know all about not being able to find my size in local stores! You look great in your photos, so maybe we could consider the suggestion as a backwards compliment? lol1 -
haha, no problem. I can take a mean selfie and I know my angles.
If I wore clothes like most people I could probably find pants easier, but unlike most big guys I always wear my pants at my actual waist instead of under my stomach. This means I wear a much bigger clothing size than most people the same weight and build as me.
It also, frustratingly, means that pant legs are always crazy baggy on me, because manufacturers seem to have given in and started assuming even big guys are wearing pants at their hips.1 -
My brother wears his pants the way you mentioned - under his belly. I can't understand that; it looks so uncomfortable to me, not to mention I detest having excess material hanging between my knees that's a natural result of wearing your pants so low....
Yep, I can't figure that one - why do they think we need these huge, baggy legs on their pants just because we need more room in the seat? I have to wear FR clothing for my job, and I have to buy men's FR clothing because they don't make womens in my size, and because apparently, men don't have rear-ends like a womans, I find myself having to buy pants that are about 3 sizes too big to accommodate my plus size female frame - so I have to wear a belt at the waist, the seat is a little tight, and the legs are big enough that I could probably actually fit both of my legs in one side and still have room to spare!0 -
I wear my pants low. I think it is a mental trick to make me feel like I was not as fat as I am. I am starting to wear my pants higher but even belted they tend to slip to that hip spot anyway.
Not to worried about it as I lose weight I'll just move the spot up a bit to save some cash. The length thankfully isn't too bad even if I have them at my true waist. Oh and I did buy a pair of nice smaller pants to shoot for as a goal. Shirt size is getting smaller pretty quick but pant size isn't moving very fast. Stupid body not losing faster in places I want it to
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*laughs* I have a terrible muffin top, but thankfully, I'm losing there faster then elsewhere. Now if I could just get rid of the badly jiggly arms......1
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Don't get me started on the "bat wings" I had shoulder surgery last year and wasn't able to do anything with my right arm for 8 weeks (by the way I'm right handed). Because of that my right arm is one inch bigger than my left. Nothing seems to work to 1 get them even or 2 loose the juggles.
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*sigh* On my way to church this morning, my car was accosted by a deer.....needless to say, I didn't make it to morning services!
God was very merciful to me - I wasn't hurt, and the damage to my car is a few dents, a lost driver's side mirror, and a shattered windshield. The deer came up out of hte medium, but I had already been slowing down because I had seen another deer along the road, so when teh 2nd one stepped out, I was already slowing down and still had my foot on the break - otherwise, I'd have been going 70 mph, which is hte speed limit on that stretch. As it was, it tried to jump my car and landed smack on the driver's side of the windshield, which is hooved in pretty badly. I got out of the car with a lapful of glass. I say God was merciful, though, because if I had been going any faster, that deer would have come through teh windshield - it almost did at the speed I was going. Or worse, it would have hit my driver's side window instead!
Thankfully, I have a 2nd vehicle, so I had AAA tow the car to my house and tomorrow, I'll get the garage to tow it to be fixed.
Of course, now I want comfort food.....0 -
bmeadows380 wrote: »*sigh* On my way to church this morning, my car was accosted by a deer.....needless to say, I didn't make it to morning services!
Of course, now I want comfort food.....
I'm glad you've okay. That really does shake you up. Hang in there!!0 -
bmeadows380 wrote: »*sigh* On my way to church this morning, my car was accosted by a deer.....needless to say, I didn't make it to morning services!
God was very merciful to me - I wasn't hurt, and the damage to my car is a few dents, a lost driver's side mirror, and a shattered windshield. The deer came up out of hte medium, but I had already been slowing down because I had seen another deer along the road, so when teh 2nd one stepped out, I was already slowing down and still had my foot on the break - otherwise, I'd have been going 70 mph, which is hte speed limit on that stretch. As it was, it tried to jump my car and landed smack on the driver's side of the windshield, which is hooved in pretty badly. I got out of the car with a lapful of glass. I say God was merciful, though, because if I had been going any faster, that deer would have come through teh windshield - it almost did at the speed I was going. Or worse, it would have hit my driver's side window instead!
Thankfully, I have a 2nd vehicle, so I had AAA tow the car to my house and tomorrow, I'll get the garage to tow it to be fixed.
Of course, now I want comfort food.....
I'm glad you are ok!!!!!0 -
Pittsburgh Penguins win Stanley Cup. Bigger news is I didn't give in to my go-to game day goodies. I feeling extremely happy!!1
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I've started relaxing a little with my eating habits--not logging some evening meals and snacks, not worrying about being under calorie goal EVERY SINGLE DAY, etc.
Partly this is out of laziness, but mostly it's in response to a whole lot of thinking about the future. Some day I will be at my goal weight, and I don't want to have to log everything I eat for the rest of my life. Also there will be days I want to eat more, and days I don't want as much, and I feel like as long as they balance out, that's fine. So I'm sort of testing the waters, I guess.
I'm still weighing daily, and although I feel like my weight loss should have slowed down due to this change, it really hasn't, not much. I was losing a little over 2 pounds a week, and I'm at almost exactly 2 a week now.
So I guess I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing for now. Eventually MFP will lower my calorie goal and I'll go back to logging everything until I get used to the change.
EDIT: lol, I didn't actually get to the point, which is that my emotions are very confused about this development.
I feel like I'm cheating somehow, feeling a little guilty about it, but the scale is doing what it's supposed to, which means I'm doing what I'm supposed to.
I feel proud that I'm still losing weight even without having to track every single thing.
And I guess I'm feeling... optimistic? About maybe having a healthier relationship with food some day.2 -
I'm back from the conference last week, so its time to get back on that wagon and glue my blue jeans to the wagon seat! I knew it was going to be bad - I'd been struggling with cheating and staying under goal for a couple of weeks now anyway, and I knew going to this conference with its buffet lunches was going to be a failure because I simply do not have enough will-power to tell myself no. I mean, I did do a lot of compromising last week, and compared to what my sister ate, I found I was getting better at keeping to decent portion sizes, but I went over every day. I also made myself do a lot of walking, and the campus we were at is on a hill side, so that helped, but it wasn't enough to offset the damage. I stepped on the scale today for the first time in a week, and it wasn't pretty by a long shot. I've back-tracked, which I knew would happen.
I'll have to wait until Thursday, though, to see what true damage was done, because we were out to eat yesterday, and higher sodium intake always ups my weight the next day. And I'm almost always up on a Monday morning anyway.
I knew this was coming - I start strong, stay vigilant, strongly stand against myself and say no, but over time, that strength ebbs away, and the part of me that wants the sugar, that wants the extra helping, that is just plain hungry, even after I've eaten my calorie limit, chips away at that strength, slowly but surely, and the next thing I know, I'm giving in. Some folks will say "oh, it doesn't hurt to fudge a little; one piece won't hurt you; you can treat yourself once in a while". What they don't understand is I have very little will power, and if I give just a little, that other part of me takes a mile and that little turns into a daily thing and the next thing I know, I'm over my limit by 200 or 300 or more calories, or slipping and intaking more and more added sugar and carbs.
I've got to get back to the mindset I was in back in January when I started all this, but figuring out how to get back up that rocky slope is a challenge!1
